If a woman had a boyfriend, but really wanted to be friends, would you do it?

[haveyopick1]

I'm not talking about the usual "lets just be friends" line alot of women will throw at a guy, which actually means "please never talk to me again". I'm talking about if a woman actually LIKES YOU but is currently in a relationship, BUT she texts you alot, asks you to hang out alot, etc.

 

I guess the question is, if you like her, would it be too painful to keep her as a friend? Always wanting more? Or would you keep her as a friend, and try to date other women at the same time? And if someday she is single, and you happen to be too, perhaps you can connect at that time?

 

I'm in a situation now where I don't know what to do. I met a woman but she is seeing someone. I do not make friends easy, nor connect with people easy. But with her somehow I actually feel comfortable. But she's seeing someone. When we hang she never brings him up, and her friend even let it slip how cute she thinks I am.

 

I'm not sure what to do. When we hang, she insists on paying her own tab. So she actually likes being with me I'm sure. But I dont know if she is using me because she doesnt get the emotional support from her boyfriend, or if she just likes chilling with me.

 

In other words, I dont wanna be the guy she gets her emotional needs fulfilled, then goes home and screws her boyfriend for her sexual needs.

 

I dont know what she feels but I know I like being around her, and its hard for me to feel good with anyone. What would you do? Keep her as a friend? Or just say "bye bye, its all or nothing"?

[New Again]

In a word: nope.

 

You will never have a true friendship, and you will end up screwed in the long run (as will her bf most likely) if she "just wants to be friends" and you are biding your time until she is available to date.

 

This situation is doomed to cause drama and misery.

[haveyopick1]

In a word: nope.

 

You will never have a true friendship, and you will end up screwed in the long run (as will her bf most likely) if she "just wants to be friends" and you are biding your time until she is available to date.

 

This situation is doomed to cause drama and misery.

 

No I'm not biding my time, as I said. I plan to ask other women out. Why couldnt we havea true friendship? Because of my attraction to her? I find this interesting, please elaborate.

 

What drama would you forsee in a "friendship" of this sort?

[Cee]

No I'm not biding my time, as I said. I plan to ask other women out. Why couldnt we havea true friendship? Because of my attraction to her? I find this interesting, please elaborate.

 

What drama would you forsee in a "friendship" of this sort?

 

My best friend came from an unrequited crush. He turned me down flat when I expressed interest. It was hard being friends at first b/c he was truly a great guy so my romantic feelings kept getting stirred. I was terribly jealous initially when he was dating. He got in a serious relationship with a mutual friend, so it was a bit odd hearing my female friend talk about their sex life. But I got over it & my girlfriend knew I had a crush on him so she was nice about it.

 

I always dated other people and never thought we'd get together. I was truly looking for friendship and not thinking he'd fall in love with me.

 

I suggest you check your motives and go slow with a friendship. If you can't handle things, don't talk to her for a couple of weeks. Take it easy.

 

And last thing, don't offer to pay for your friend. Friends pay their own way usually, unless they are a couple dollars short.

[haveyopick1]

My best friend came from an unrequited crush. He turned me down flat when I expressed interest. It was hard being friends at first b/c he was truly a great guy so my romantic feelings kept getting stirred. I was terribly jealous initially when he was dating. He got in a serious relationship with a mutual friend, so it was a bit odd hearing my female friend talk about their sex life. But I got over it & my girlfriend knew I had a crush on him so she was nice about it.

 

I always dated other people and never thought we'd get together. I was truly looking for friendship and not thinking he'd fall in love with me.

 

I suggest you check your motives and go slow with a friendship. If you can't handle things, don't talk to her for a couple of weeks. Take it easy.

 

And last thing, don't offer to pay for your friend. Friends pay their own way usually, unless they are a couple dollars short.

 

Thats interesting. The woman I wish to be friends with may or may not be attracted to me. I consider myself a handsome guy but who knows how she feels. According to her friend, they both find me "gorgeous" and thats why they talked to me to begin with. So I imagine she must feel some attraction?

 

I am curious as to why, though, if she is seeing someone, and if she finds me attractive...why would she want me around as a friend?

[BruceLeroy]

Yeah sure, unless I was really sprung on the girl. Thing is, I don't generally go down like that tho; I find it hard to get sprung on someone I don't know. Chick are just like anyone else ya dig? Some are cool and make a good friends. Being friends is really the only way to know if a person is right in the head. A guy or a girl can seem rad at first only to be a real wacko once their gaurd is down. It takes longer for their gaurd to be down if you start dating a chick right after meeting them.

Dunno, some guys have trouble with that friendzone thing. I found if your friendship with a chick is a friendzone sitch, you prolly always wanted more in the first place and she prolly never wanted more than a friend out of you. So you don't lose out by being friends because you never had any other option. at least you might get a tight friend out of the deal.

[New Again]

I'm not talking about the usual "lets just be friends" line alot of women will throw at a guy, which actually means "please never talk to me again". I'm talking about if a woman actually LIKES YOU but is currently in a relationship, BUT she texts you alot, asks you to hang out alot, etc.

How did this "relationship" you have with her start?

 

I guess the question is, if you like her, would it be too painful to keep her as a friend? Always wanting more? Or would you keep her as a friend, and try to date other women at the same time? And if someday she is single, and you happen to be too, perhaps you can connect at that time?

Not everyone agrees with me on this, but it is my sincere belief that men and women cannot be friends when they are attracted to each other, and/or one party is interested in a different type of relationship. "Friends" yes, friends no. Have you ever seen one of the dozens of rom-coms about the guy friend who wants more from the girl friend and eventually she realizes she's loved him all along too and they live happily ever after? It's complete bull****. It's the same idea as Disney fairy tales, except these are for men.

 

I'm in a situation now where I don't know what to do. I met a woman but she is seeing someone. I do not make friends easy, nor connect with people easy. But with her somehow I actually feel comfortable. But she's seeing someone. When we hang she never brings him up, and her friend even let it slip how cute she thinks I am.

One reason I don't believe you that you are not biding your time You're looking for hints that she likes you everywhere you can. Also, this to me hints that possibly she really is into you, and if she is, RED FLAGS, she is a bad girl Does her bf know about you, and that she calls/texts/hangs out with you all the time? Have you met him? Why can't you be friends with them both?

 

I'm not sure what to do. When we hang, she insists on paying her own tab. So she actually likes being with me I'm sure. But I dont know if she is using me because she doesnt get the emotional support from her boyfriend, or if she just likes chilling with me.

What would make you think she might not be getting emotional support from her bf?

In other words, I dont wanna be the guy she gets her emotional needs fulfilled, then goes home and screws her boyfriend for her sexual needs.

In other words, you DO want to date her. If friends don't offer emotional support, why have them?

I dont know what she feels but I know I like being around her, and its hard for me to feel good with anyone. What would you do? Keep her as a friend? Or just say "bye bye, its all or nothing"?

You asked what we anonymous LS posters would do, and I would have nothing to do with her most likely.

 

What drama would you forsee in a "friendship" of this sort?

1. As stated above, have you ever seen one of those rom-coms?? Drama, drama, drama!

2. She doesn't like you, you like her = you are miserable/jealous/looking for hints everywhere as to her feelings and reading into everything she does and says/etc.

3. She does like you, you like her, but she won't dump her bf

4. She does like you, you like her, she leads you on, then decides to stay with her bf

5. She does like you, you like her, she leads you on, then dumps you both

6. She does "like" you, you like her, but as mentioned previously, she is only using you because she doesn't have the emotional maturity to talk to her bf about their problems, or the strength to break up with him and find someone else who better meets her needs

 

I'm sure there are lots of other possibilities.

 

I'm also sure that I could be wrong, but given the information, and not knowing all the details or parties involved, I can only generalize based on my experiences and my friends' experiences, and tell you that I would absolutely not try to be "friends" with someone I wanted to date who was with someone else. Friendships, or relationships for that matter, do not have to be as hard as I assume this one will be.

[New Again]

I am curious as to why, though, if she is seeing someone, and if she finds me attractive...why would she want me around as a friend?

 

You are wishful thinking!!

[haveyopick1]

You are wishful thinking!!

 

In what way? I am a handsome man. Please explain. Why would she not be attracted to me? If she didnt find me attractive wouldnt she be mentioning her bf every other sentence? She never talks or mentions him around me. Not even once.

 

So she must want me around for something. Please explain your theory as to why she contacts me and wants to hang. Thanks.

Edited September 25, 2010 by haveyopick1

[BruceLeroy]

Dude its not that simple for everyone. Its like saying every pretty face out there is going to be perfect for ya.

Maybe she don't like how handsome you are. Maybe she don't like your hair color. Or your hobbies. Or hey maybe, she does like your hobies and hair color and recognizes youre handsome, but really digs her BF? Maybe its her friend that likes you and shes just being nice to keep you around for her friend.

 

Either way, your face is just a face and you maybe might not want to rely on it for everything cuz it won't work on everyone.

[carhill]

I've had a few true female friends and I predicate that environment on three factors:

 

Mutual lack of sexual attraction

 

Involvement with and support of our mutual love lifes

 

Mutual care, empathy and support of each other's lives, as is essential in any real friendship

 

 

If you're sexually attracted to her or she you, fugetabout being 'friends'. It'll never work. BTDT too.

[haveyopick1]

Dude its not that simple for everyone. Its like saying every pretty face out there is going to be perfect for ya.

Maybe she don't like how handsome you are. Maybe she don't like your hair color. Or your hobbies. Or hey maybe, she does like your hobies and hair color and recognizes youre handsome, but really digs her BF? Maybe its her friend that likes you and shes just being nice to keep you around for her friend.

 

Either way, your face is just a face and you maybe might not want to rely on it for everything cuz it won't work on everyone.

 

Where did I say I rely on my face for everything? You said that, not I. Yes her friend does like me. That is actually a valid possibility. Her friend though is unattractive physically. So of course she likes me. God has a great sense of humor doesnt he?

 

Any suggestions on how to find out what she really wants from me? I'd ask her, but its probably an invitation to be lied to.

[haveyopick1]

I've had a few true female friends and I predicate that environment on three factors:

 

Mutual lack of sexual attraction

 

Involvement with and support of our mutual love lifes

 

Mutual care, empathy and support of each other's lives, as is essential in any real friendship

 

 

If you're sexually attracted to her or she you, fugetabout being 'friends'. It'll never work. BTDT too.

 

I tend to agree. Yet I dont want her gone from my life, we connect well and that is rare for me with anyone. What should I do? She knows I'm attracted to her. She said she likes me but is with her boyfriend. Yet she wants to hang, she calls me, etc. I dont know what she wants or is looking for, really.

[carhill]

So, when you're dating a lady and enjoying her company, invite your female friend and her boyfriend out for a couple's evening. You can 'like' people with appropriate boundaries. How you enforce those boundaries defines the dynamic. I'll suggest a few:

 

No 'secrets'. She doesn't talk about her relationship with her BF to you, nor you to her about any of your ladyfriends you're dating.

 

Activity or interest-centric. Travel, chess, softball, auto racing, whatever. Focus on shared interests and/or activities. Having dinner or going to a movie is not an activity.

 

No expectations beyond what you'd have for any of your male friends. BTW, your male friends have priority because, well, they're male and you've been friends with them longer.

 

To me, it's about priorities. Having gotten them wrong enough times, I see that more clearly now.

 

 

If you really, really, really want to date her, the best way to preserve that IMO is to be clear with her and say good-bye. She doesn't get to have your attraction and interest in a vacuum. It needs to be mutual, and it can't be while she's committed to someone else. It's really as simple as that, IMO.

[BobSacamento]

It depends on the situation.

 

I'd say yes if she just doesn't want to date you for reasons like you are unemployed, immature, live with your parents, etc. Those are instances where there may be mutual physical attraction and therefore a chance, by means of heavy drinking or intense rejection, of a hook up one night.

 

If there is no mutual physical attraction then why bother? Maybe for a ride to the airport I guess.

[atlnay]

Or would you keep her as a friend, and try to date other women at the same time? And if someday she is single, and you happen to be too, perhaps you can connect at that time?

 

I'm a chick so... but I'd say keep her as a friend but PLEASE date. It's so rare to find nice people who you like being around and feel the same about you, I think you should hold onto those people and nurture the relationship, no matter if it doesn't turn physical. Which is why you yourself should date others and at least get your physical needs met.

[New Again]

In what way? I am a handsome man. Please explain. Why would she not be attracted to me? If she didnt find me attractive wouldnt she be mentioning her bf every other sentence? She never talks or mentions him around me. Not even once.

 

So she must want me around for something. Please explain your theory as to why she contacts me and wants to hang. Thanks.

 

You are wishful thinking because you say that you just want to be friends and are not biding your time with her, but then busting a nut because she thinks you're cute.

 

You can sit here and speculate all day about what all this crap means, but at the end of the day, it's just that. Your logic here is flawed and one-dimensional, as another poster pointed out.

 

I'm sure she does want you around for some reason, and none of them will amount to anything good, IMO, as already stated, given the circumstances you outlined, and because of what Carhill mentions in his post, which you agreed with.

 

I have no idea what her intentions are, as she is not posting here, but because of YOUR intentions, I don't think it will work, for the reasons stated, and it is very likely it won't work because of her intentions also, but again, who knows.

[New Again]

She knows I'm attracted to her. She said she likes me but is with her boyfriend. Yet she wants to hang, she calls me, etc. I dont know what she wants or is looking for, really.

 

BAD NEWS BEARS!!

 

It seems like you just want validation though. Hope it works out for you!

[haveyopick1]

BAD NEWS BEARS!!

 

It seems like you just want validation though. Hope it works out for you!

 

Your responses to me seem to be laced with hostility. Not sure why, I never insulted you. You seem almost angry at me. Strange. Mabye something I posted has relevance to your own past experiences (bad ones).

 

I never said I didnt like this woman and if she became single and I wasnt involved, Id be willing to go out with her. Your replies are pretty vaugue. "Im sure she does want something" and "bad news bears"...not sure what you are getting at.

[haveyopick1]

I'm a chick so... but I'd say keep her as a friend but PLEASE date. It's so rare to find nice people who you like being around and feel the same about you, I think you should hold onto those people and nurture the relationship, no matter if it doesn't turn physical. Which is why you yourself should date others and at least get your physical needs met.

 

Everyone is saying I should bail on her. Is that an ego thing? Mabye it is best if I not see her, I dont know. I dont want to discredit other posters here. They make valid points although it may not be what I wish to hear.

[Yamaha]

Has she given her "heart" to her bf?

 

At some point the bf might get jealous and tell her to choose and more than likely she will choose him. Then your "friendship" will be lost.

[New Again]

Your responses to me seem to be laced with hostility. Not sure why, I never insulted you. You seem almost angry at me. Strange. Mabye something I posted has relevance to your own past experiences (bad ones).

 

I never said I didnt like this woman and if she became single and I wasnt involved, Id be willing to go out with her. Your replies are pretty vaugue. "Im sure she does want something" and "bad news bears"...not sure what you are getting at.

 

I'm blunt, not hostile. I don't handhold

 

I agree with everything carhill said.

 

Bad news bears spells disaster. Maybe you are too young to get the reference.

Edited September 25, 2010 by New Again

[runner]

if i wanted her romantically, absolutely not; i would prefer not to have anything to do with her if she was in a relationship.

 

otherwise i am close friends with a few great women in my life, of whom i also get along well with their SOs.

[Sphere]

No, I wouldn't encourage it.

 

Being friends with someone you have deeper feelings for is never a good idea, sometimes it happens and you have to deal with it. I'm in a situation similar to this at the minute and I'm really thinking about dissolving things.

[FryFish]

I get the impression that your female "friend" is already crossing some boundaries that her BF would not be happy about. If you put the moves on her for a little bit you could probably sleep with her. Just remember though that if she cheats WITH you she can cheat ON you. If you want to be HER friend you need to be THEIR friend.