Uhmm, yeah, i just embarrassed myself again

[marigo]

So i have been NC with my ex the entire summer. We've been broken up for 7 months and for the first 3 months we tried being friends and talked to each other and saw each other everyday. It was hurting me too much and decided that i probably need to put my life back together this summer coz i dont want to ruin my senior year of college crying and being sad about this. I, at least, want to live a normal life. I felt like i wasnt living a normal life when we tried being friends coz i would constantly wonder where he is, who he's with, and etc. So i thought taking him out of my life for a bit would help.

 

Anyway, 2 days after i said the "goodbye" i didnt stop stalking him and realized he met someone. I was afraid something was gonna come out of it and about a month later, that fear came true. I constantly stalked him and i was going crazy. But then i started hanging out with friends more and doing stuff for myself and i started feeling better. I even met a guy who i started liking. Nothing really came out of this as this new guy backed off. Anyway, when this whole thing was happening, i still thought about my ex everyday but not as much anymore. I would also see things about him and the new girl and i wont be affected as much. I mean it would hurt me and id cry but i get over it pretty quickly.

 

My ex and this new girl finally made it official on facebook around beg of august and changed their relationship status. I was hurt and shocked but for the most part, i think i was too numb to really feel anything. I didnt cry or anything. The past 2 weeks, i started becoming emotional again because i know we're about to start school soon and id see my ex. i really dont want to see him and talk to him but i know its bound to happen. We go to the same school, and work at the same place. So thursday, i was scared as hell to go to work coz i had a feeling he'd be there. So i go to the bathroom and guess what? I was going in and he was going out. We were both caught off guard and didnt really know what to do. He asked me how i was and i did the same but i continued walking. It was super awkward. Hours later, he approached me and we talked. It was a casual conversation and light. The convo was cut off because i had to help someone else and that was it. Btw, the night before, i just saw him write an "i love you" to her and yeah that was a stabbed in the heart. But like i said, things hurt me now but i dont let it control me anymore.

 

Today i went to work again and we saw each other. I still felt uncomfortable. I told myself, maybe we need to talk just casual conversation outside work coz there are coworkers who know about us and would keep looking at us or even hear our conversation there. I decided to ask him for lunch tomorrow and i told him "i dont want u to get the wrong message. its nothing like that at all." and he said "we'll see. things are different now" i know what he meant is that he has a gf so i kept telling him "i know and thats why this is tough for me to do. i know im putting myself in a difficult position because i dont want to appear like im chasing you. thats not my intention at all. its just so uncomfortable and awkward right now and i think its better if we get the chance to catch up and talk outside work" i dont know if he thinks i dont know what he meant by "things are different now" he had to straight up tell me "theres someone else" and i just said "i know" and if it wasnt enough, he had to say "i have a girlfriend now" and so i straight up told him "yeah, i dont really want to talk about that. its not something im ready to hear about yet" and he said he understood. I told him if it would make him feel more comfortable, there someone else for me too coz i did like that new guy and even if it didnt work out, half of my summer wasnt even really about my ex anymore. a lot happened in the conversation but in the end he said that "its too soon" and that he probably shouldnt hang with me yet. I didnt push it. I just feel really low. Im really not trying to run after him. There are things left unsaid the last time we talked and me asking him to lunch was more of just clearing the air a bit.

 

And the worst part of all is that i feel so rejected. I did ask him and told myself to just prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But what hurts me is not even the rejection itself. Its more of the feeling i know he has a higher priority now and someone so much more important that its okay for him to say no to me (someone who was once his life..yes, when we were together, i became his life). And being the stupid girl that i am. I asked him "are you happy?" i could tell he didnt want to answer coz he knows his answer would hurt me. He just smiled slightly and said yup. I think i was trying to force myself to say that im happy for him but it really wouldnt come out. I want to be happy for him yet i cant right now. I feel sooo stupid!

 

So now i am hurting and depressed and i did this to myself. I am so embarassed and i feel really dumb asking him. I am so mad at myself. For a while, i felt okay and happy again. And then i see him again and my emotions are just going all over the place. I hate this!!

Edited September 25, 2010 by marigo

[summerl0vesyou]

Ohh =[ I really feel for you. it sounds like theres a lot of unresolved feelings. even on his end, really. im not saying that hes still madly in love with you or anything, but the way it sounds...it just sounds unresolved.

like both of you have loose ends.

 

its okay to be upset. I cant imagine how it must feel right now, *hugs*

it sounds like you both have been thru a lot, though hes come further than you have.

 

dont be upset for making the contact. your heart is unresolved. trust me, i know how you feel cuz I tried talking to my ex the other day(and in his typical fashion, shot me right down and said we could only talk about legal things, while i was telling him how much pain i was in about us and that I feel unresolved). you feel stupid, but think of it this way: your heart needs an outlet. and sometimes, it wants to cry out. CRY out. it needs answers sometimes.

Is it the best way to go about things? Not always. should you feel bad though? No way.

 

logic tells you to think you are stupid, but your heart is going thru the grieving process and sometimes you are going to do things your head KNOWS is wrong to do. eventually, your heart catches up with your head and then you wont feel the need to say certain things anymore.

 

Its okay. idk if youve been thru heartbreak before, but try and think back if u have. at first, its crushing...you cant imagine them with anyone else, and if they were, it would KILL you. then...eventually...you can see it and be alright. thats happened for me a few times. so that should come of some comfort to you, that although it hurts like hell now and its a confusing time, it DOES get better.

[ohno89]

Marigo, i agree with the above - please, please don't feel stupid for doing what you did. I think you handled it as best you did and didn't come off pushy or anything. Sadly, ex's have a way of making us feel these things anyway but just know that you only did what most of us would've done. You're in an uncomfortable environment with your ex and there's clearly tension there; you did the mature thing to ask if you two could clear the air but sadly, you need to remember that he's in a different head space to you now.

 

I imagine - and I know it's not true - but your ex is probably getting a little too ahead of himself thinking that you wanna meet up to try and be best buds again or try and start something up. I guess that's why he's being so on the defensive like "i've got a gf now" and "it's too soon." Unfortunately, I don't know how clear you can even make it to him that you DON'T wanna get back together with him and you're just being rational but as long as he still feels that you still have feelings for him, he is gonna assume that you're gonna try and get him back or tap into his soft spots and mess with his head or whatever. I think boys are more logical than girls sometimes; if he's with someone else now, he probably things there is no reason/excuse to be seeing or speaking to his ex. That's just how they work. Whereas girls are far mroe emotional and need closure and need to clear the air, etc, etc. Truth is Marigo.....you can give yourself your own closure, by letting go completely.

 

You've tried to talk to him and ended up feeling rejected so you don't wanna try again. I know it's not nice having this awkwardness with him, especially if you work with him...is there any way you can get a transfer to a different store?!

[marigo]

Ohh =[ I really feel for you. it sounds like theres a lot of unresolved feelings. even on his end, really. im not saying that hes still madly in love with you or anything, but the way it sounds...it just sounds unresolved.

like both of you have loose ends.

 

its okay to be upset. I cant imagine how it must feel right now, *hugs*

it sounds like you both have been thru a lot, though hes come further than you have.

 

dont be upset for making the contact. your heart is unresolved. trust me, i know how you feel cuz I tried talking to my ex the other day(and in his typical fashion, shot me right down and said we could only talk about legal things, while i was telling him how much pain i was in about us and that I feel unresolved). you feel stupid, but think of it this way: your heart needs an outlet. and sometimes, it wants to cry out. CRY out. it needs answers sometimes.

Is it the best way to go about things? Not always. should you feel bad though? No way.

 

logic tells you to think you are stupid, but your heart is going thru the grieving process and sometimes you are going to do things your head KNOWS is wrong to do. eventually, your heart catches up with your head and then you wont feel the need to say certain things anymore.

 

Its okay. idk if youve been thru heartbreak before, but try and think back if u have. at first, its crushing...you cant imagine them with anyone else, and if they were, it would KILL you. then...eventually...you can see it and be alright. thats happened for me a few times. so that should come of some comfort to you, that although it hurts like hell now and its a confusing time, it DOES get better.

 

Hey summerlovesyou,

 

Sorry for the late response, i have tried typing this numerous times and id end up stopping half way because i would just keep venting and venting. Anyway, thank you so much for the kind words! I know you are going through a lot as well as you mentioned above. How are you doing now dear? Im sorry to hear that your ex did that to you and shut you down. I hate it when exes feel like they have all the power in the world. Im not saying theyre doing it intentionally but they dont know what their actions do to us.

 

Its definitely a challenge to have a conflicting mind and heart because im sure uve heard it a lot before that following your heart isnt really the best thing to do right now. So far for me though, I have been following my heart. Have i regretted it? Yes, all the time but only at first, in the end, i feel that following my heart benefited me in such a way that i know that what i did is what i truly want to do and not because i let someone control and decide for me. I feel that whenever i listen to people and have them decide what to do, i end up feeling worse because im trying to fight it. Of course what the people tells me is whats best for me but i have to do what i want to do. So i def agree with you. Your heart needs to cry out. I regret and i feel stupid inviting my ex. I wouldnt say im over what i did but i did feel somehow a sense of closure. I mean i know thats supposed to come from within me but at least now im not wondering "should i ask him or should i not?" because i have and i know the answer now? I saw him at work today and he's not avoiding me, thank God. I still get these urges to talk to him because he's just right there, but i keep reminding myself for how he turned me down the first time and basically turned me down as a friend by doing that. This is the part im talking about how following my heart benefited me. Because his rejection made me stop getting super anxious and from making further mistakes.

 

Also, this is my very first heartbreak. He was my first boyfriend, first love, and first everything. We were together for two years so it really is very hard to let it go. As far as both of us having unresolved feelings? I do feel this too. Im not exactly sure for his side what it is, im guessing it could still be the guilt that he hurt someone he once cared for so much. I think we both just dont know how to handle this since we are both each others' first love and i was his first serious relationship and our break up is what he considers a "real" break up. So we both had never gone through this before.

 

How are you doing now??

 

Marigo, i agree with the above - please, please don't feel stupid for doing what you did. I think you handled it as best you did and didn't come off pushy or anything. Sadly, ex's have a way of making us feel these things anyway but just know that you only did what most of us would've done. You're in an uncomfortable environment with your ex and there's clearly tension there; you did the mature thing to ask if you two could clear the air but sadly, you need to remember that he's in a different head space to you now.

 

I imagine - and I know it's not true - but your ex is probably getting a little too ahead of himself thinking that you wanna meet up to try and be best buds again or try and start something up. I guess that's why he's being so on the defensive like "i've got a gf now" and "it's too soon." Unfortunately, I don't know how clear you can even make it to him that you DON'T wanna get back together with him and you're just being rational but as long as he still feels that you still have feelings for him, he is gonna assume that you're gonna try and get him back or tap into his soft spots and mess with his head or whatever. I think boys are more logical than girls sometimes; if he's with someone else now, he probably things there is no reason/excuse to be seeing or speaking to his ex. That's just how they work. Whereas girls are far mroe emotional and need closure and need to clear the air, etc, etc. Truth is Marigo.....you can give yourself your own closure, by letting go completely.

 

You've tried to talk to him and ended up feeling rejected so you don't wanna try again. I know it's not nice having this awkwardness with him, especially if you work with him...is there any way you can get a transfer to a different store?!

 

Hey ohno89,

 

I havent responded to your post from the other day, since i tend to write long posts and im very emotional these days, i try to write and response a little each day. I agree with you that my ex is a little ahead of himself and thinks that i still have feelings for him (i mean he is right but it doesnt mean just because i still love him that im gonna chase after him). But your definitely right, i know for sure that he knows im still in love with him and thinks that im just gonna get my hopes up if he does hang out with him. I did learn my lesson though. I tried once and he rejected it, and i wont try again. I have been doing a good job though. I saw him the other day at work and he said hi and bye to me. But i didnt initiate or even approached him. I did see him again today though, he talked to me first borrowing a 3 hole puncher. Then he kept passing by my area, and id just look at him. I did have to go up to him today though because our boss made me ask him something so whatever, i didnt talk to him other than what my boss wanted me to ask.

 

Im not gonna lie, whenever i see him, i get reminded of why i was so in love with him and i get sad and i still wish i can talk to him but i just keep reminding myself of how he rejected me and that he has a gf and i dont want to appear like im chasing him anymore.

 

How are you doing these days? I've been meaning to respond to your other post as well. I remember you mentioned there that you go back to school next day. So how has it been so far?

 

Oh and for your question, no, i wont be able to transfer because its an on campus job, so this is the only office that we have.

[jquest1280]

*sigh. That's the way it goes. We know we shouldn't, yet we can't resist the pull of our emotions, and so we do, and then we get rejected and feel worse than before. It's done, don't beat yourself up about it. We do take some steps back, but we learn our lessons and keep going forward. I hope you can take some comfort in this, that we have also done similar things and felt similarly bad and rejected; yet, we lived (!).

 

You're doing well, Marigo *Hugggggs