Is there a chance for us?

[cuore_depresso]

So my wife and I have been married for over 10 years...together a bit longer. Until a few weeks ago I sincerely and honestly thought I had one of those marriages one only reads about...close to perfect but not quite! LOL Then a bombshell...."I love you but I am not sure I want to be with you anymore". Literally out of the blue, I was soooo blind-sided. So has most of our family or friends that know about it.

 

Of course now that we are talking I am seeing, really seeing, the issues that were there but not discussed, the misunderstandings and assumptions we both made. I have so far chalked it up to just serious lack of real communications. However recently she has stated that she has just been thinking lately and is wondering if the life we have, the life she is living, is the one she wants. As here her say it, perhaps she is at a stage in her life that may no longer include me.

 

How does one fight back against that? I mean she says that there is no other man involved, which is good, but at least I would have something concrete to fight against. Instead I have this "feeling" I am fighting...and she is not the most open or communicative person in the first place.

 

I spent the first two weeks an emotional wreck...crying, playing the "poor poor pitiful me" game. She say she just needs time and that I should be strong, and I am trying....but not being at home, not really having her open up, it is difficult. She does say she loves me, and that she wants it to work, so I have hope...but I am still so lost and confused.

 

This woman is the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend....and the one that I want to have children with. We have not gone to marriage counseling yet, but instead trying to talk things out. My fear is that the more we have talked, the further away she has gone. I have talked to friends and family and they have tried to be there for me...but I am seeking some outside help. Is there hope for us or am I destined to lose the one, best thing in my life?

Edited September 25, 2010 by cuore_depresso

[FryFish]

Despite what she says and what you want to believe... There most likely IS another guy.

[2sunny]

Despite what she says and what you want to believe... There most likely IS another guy.

 

^ this... yep, she's probably got someone else she's interested in... you need to start digging.

 

check email accounts, cell phone and cell bill and pay attention if she speaks of anyone at work or where and how she spends her time.

[Iconoclast]

I'm sorry my friend, but if you hang around here long enough, you start the see the patterns of affairs. This doesn't look good.

You need to monitor all communications (discreetly). Find out what's going on.

 

....and what was that about not being at home?

[aerogurl87]

^ this... yep, she's probably got someone else she's interested in... you need to start digging.

 

check email accounts, cell phone and cell bill and pay attention if she speaks of anyone at work or where and how she spends her time.

 

I agree also. When my ex left me he claimed the same lie of "it's not someone else I just don't know if I see a future with you". Turned out to be complete and total BS as the next day with a little investigating on facebook, I found out that he indeed did leave me for someone else. Get the digging and keep a lookout on her behaviour to see if any new weird patterns emerge.

[painfullyobvious]

I also agree with doing a little digging and really start to look around you for other signs of cheating. Make an unexpected stop at her work and monitor her reactions as well as her coworkers, look at phone bills, and start asking some questions about why she is unhappy.

 

If she is really unhappy with you is it related to quality time between the two of you, communication, emotional support. These are things that can be fixed with time an effort. These are also areas that if a person is interested in saving a relationship can work through together in time. I find it suspicious that she is unhappy and that you had no idea. That wreaks of having an eye on another person to me.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

that she is cheating or about to..... I am very very sorry. Unless she is interested in saving this marriage, there is little hope. Be happy there are no children and stop crying or showing your hurt to her. Be strong and matter of fact in your conversations with her. To be completely sexist, be a man and start figuring out the next steps.

 

First and foremost insist on MC. If she cares at all and wants to get an understanding and be open as to why she feels this way, she will agree. If she says no, then I would say there probably is someone else, or something she wants to do that she won't tell you about.....

Edited September 25, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[cuore_depresso]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Perhaps I am naive, perhaps I will deserve it if I am wrong, but she has not asked for a divorce, just time to figure some things out. If I stop trusting her now, when she needs it the most, than what chance do I have for a future based on trust?

 

Yes I know that means I could be getting speared through the heart, but until she tells me otherwise, or I am confronted with proof (and NO I will not start digging and snooping) than I am going to work hard to save my marriage and base it on the fact that there is not really another someone. Now that does not mean that she has not thought about it or is somewhat interested in someone else, but I trust that she has not had an affair.

 

Toodamn....thanks. For now I have given her space...though we do spend time together just being together. She has promised that we will go to MC if she cannot figure things out soon on her own.

 

To be honest, I think she is having problems larger than just us. I am worried she is depressed and unhappy about life in general, not just us, or even us in particular, but her whole life.

 

Sorry everyone...I know I asked a question, but in a way I got some of the answer I wanted. I am going to fight for my marriage, base it on open honest communication, and trust her until I am proven wrong. Thanks!

[What_Next]

cuore_depresso, first I wish you weren't here at all. However, you are. Your brain knows that is going on but your heart won't accept it.

 

There IS another man. There IS an affair.

 

Sorry but you need a dose of reality.

 

Go get a big bag of popcorn and read my thread in the divorce and seperation area of LS.

 

Trust me my friend dig and you'll find out. You just don't want to because you are afraid of what you'll find.

 

Good luck.

[tropicalfox]

Yes I know that means I could be getting speared through the heart, but until she tells me otherwise, or I am confronted with proof (and NO I will not start digging and snooping) than I am going to work hard to save my marriage and base it on the fact that there is not really another someone. Now that does not mean that she has not thought about it or is somewhat interested in someone else, but I trust that she has not had an affair.

 

You are fooling yourself if you think there isn't someone else that your wife is emotionally or physically involved with at this point. Women don't typically just want out of a relationship or say the kinds of things your wife is saying without a basis of comparison. Even if it's just emotional at this point, it needs to be dealt with.

 

If you aren't willing to snoop and destroy the affair, crush of whatever she has, then your marriage is already over. There's no advice here that will help you. I quoted your statement above because it is one of weakness and it tells me that you aren't willing to be a MAN and try and save your marriage.

[Iconoclast]

I am going to fight for my marriage!

 

No you're going to watch it slowly slip away. You're going to waste valuable time. There is no secrecy in marriage, and she has a secret.

[that girl]

Everyone is assuming it is an affair, but I wonder about this

 

Of course now that we are talking I am seeing, really seeing, the issues that were there but not discussed, the misunderstandings and assumptions we both made.

[LittleTiger]

Everyone is assuming it is an affair, but I wonder about this

 

12 months ago, I would have said the same but the signs are all there.

 

Sudden emotional distance and 'I'm not sure what I want' - it's textbook - again! It happens so often.

 

There is, of course, a minute chance that we're all wrong but .........?

 

Have courage CD. Ask her go to MC with you and take it from there. If she's prepared to put some effort into making it work then you still have a chance.

 

Good luck.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Everyone is assuming it is an affair, but I wonder about this

 

but that line you quoted is so typical..... When one is unhappy they start to bring up issues that all couples have... Only when there is a very inbalanced relationship does one really not have conflict, misunderstanding, miscommunication and issues.

 

It is code for largest issues, that may or may not include another man (or maybe a woman).....

[Silly_Girl]

but that line you quoted is so typical..... When one is unhappy they start to bring up issues that all couples have... Only when there is a very inbalanced relationship does one really not have conflict, misunderstanding, miscommunication and issues.

 

Absolutely. Suddenly, the most trivial of events/feelings matter and there is a long list of problems where previously nothing stood out or was enough to cause serious discord.

[cuore_depresso]

Thanks everyone for your advise. We did talk a lot this weekend and I can say that some of you were right, in a way, that yes there is another guy. However it is not what so many of you think..the other guy is actually me. The me that she sees based on both things we have said in the past but not told each other about changes in our thoughts over time, and the me that was based on the misunderstandings and miscommunication between us.

 

It will be difficult to prove to my wife that the guy I am, the real me, that has traveled such a long way in the relatively short time of a few weeks, is the one she really does want to be with. That this other guy, the one she does not like that much, or feel much for, is not the real me. I can only work as hard as possible to show her, to let he see that we are actually even more compatible and closer than she thinks.

 

A long slow journey lies ahead for us, but I am going to believe that we can work things out so long as we keep open, honest lines of communication between us and both commit to trying to make things work.

[cuore_depresso]

Thanks nimam9...I will look at them.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thanks everyone for your advise. We did talk a lot this weekend and I can say that some of you were right, in a way, that yes there is another guy. However it is not what so many of you think..the other guy is actually me. The me that she sees based on both things we have said in the past but not told each other about changes in our thoughts over time, and the me that was based on the misunderstandings and miscommunication between us.

 

It will be difficult to prove to my wife that the guy I am, the real me, that has traveled such a long way in the relatively short time of a few weeks, is the one she really does want to be with. That this other guy, the one she does not like that much, or feel much for, is not the real me. I can only work as hard as possible to show her, to let he see that we are actually even more compatible and closer than she thinks.

 

A long slow journey lies ahead for us, but I am going to believe that we can work things out so long as we keep open, honest lines of communication between us and both commit to trying to make things work.

 

Wahhh wahh wahhh...... So it was all your fault and you became a different man????? Really that's all there is, that you became an ahole?????

[Universe]

have you been taking her on dates? Have you been making the time you spend together fun for her? Or have you been letting yourself be overcome with fear and anxiety about the this possibly being the end for your relationship?

 

I strongly encourage you to get into counseling as soon as possible. If she won't go, then I recommend you go by yourself. If there's another man, then you're going to need to be prepared for that. If not, then you need to figure out where your marriage got off track for you. Ultimately, you can't control what she does. Perhaps there was nothing you could have done differently. But usually there is. I'm not saying it's your fault. But it's rarely the case that someone is entirely blameless. My point is, you need to focus on loving yourself and strengthen yourself from within. And counseling can help you to do that. Maybe once she sees that you're going to counseling and that your serious about fixing whatever is wrong, then she may be inspired to do the same. Whether it's another man or not, she's dealing with something serious right now and you both need all the help you can get.

[cuore_depresso]

Wahhh wahh wahhh...... So it was all your fault and you became a different man????? Really that's all there is, that you became an ahole?????

 

Toodamn...of course there is more, but I did not, do not, have the time to write War & Peace about my life. Of course it is not all my fault, she has much blame too, but she is the one questioning the relationship, not me, so for now we are dealing with her perceptions and feelings about me, not me about her.

 

Thanks Universe....I will look into counseling for myself, even if it is without her, so at least I can understand a bit better where things went off the rails. You are correct, I cannot control what she does, and actually I am starting to become at peace with myself about who I am and what I want in life. It is my hope she sees that and can come to see that I am the man she fell in love with still, but in the end it is her decision.

 

I appreciate all the advise and insight, no matter how harsh or critical. Thanks everyone.

[jimrich]

re: Of course now that we are talking I am seeing, really seeing, the issues that were there but not discussed, the misunderstandings and assumptions we both made. I have so far chalked it up to just serious lack of real communications.

.... And I'd say a lack of good relationship skills which could have showed you that something was up long ago.

 

However recently she has stated that she has just been thinking lately and is wondering if the life we have, the life she is living, is the one she wants. As here her say it, perhaps she is at a stage in her life that may no longer include me.

..... "may no longer"? So it's not yet final?

 

How does one fight back against that? I mean she says that there is no other man involved, which is good, but at least I would have something concrete to fight against. Instead I have this "feeling" I am fighting...and she is not the most open or communicative person in the first place.

...This is exactly where good relationship skills come in and most folk have little or none of them. When you have or learn good relationship skills, getting through to a closed, non communicative partner is simple and easy -when you know how. There are many, many techniques and methods to get through and open up good communications with just about anyone but it takes some study and practice which most can't be bothered with so they just struggle on as you have.

 

I spent the first two weeks an emotional wreck...crying, playing the "poor poor pitiful me" game. She say she just needs time and that I should be strong, and I am trying....but not being at home, not really having her open up, it is difficult. She does say she loves me, and that she wants it to work, so I have hope...but I am still so lost and confused.

.... I suggest that you get books or search on line for anything you can find about relationships and begin LEARNING how to make it work - even with a shut down, non-communicator.

 

This woman is the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend....and the one that I want to have children with.

....Whew! Thank god there are no kids to damage by this!

 

We have not gone to marriage counseling yet, but instead trying to talk things out.

..... Better get into some counseling even if just for your self.

 

My fear is that the more we have talked, the further away she has gone.

.... That's probably because neither of you know exactly how to 'talk' and so it either goes nowhere or gets into trouble and misunderstandings. There is a lot to learn about good, effective talking and you will need to study and practice or stay as you are - uninformed and ineffective.

 

I have talked to friends and family and they have tried to be there for me...but I am seeking some outside help. Is there hope for us or am I destined to lose the one, best thing in my life?

.... There is always hope and a good relationship takes two informed partners. You both need to LEARN good relationship skills (google it) and get started relating & communicating in effective ways........or loose.

good luck learning how