second marriage on the rocks

[perez]

hi all,

a bit about myself (from a relationship perspective). i first married when i was 30 years old.. to someone i met on a rebound relationship. this person was also rebounding. felt as if everything was right for us and we seemed on the same wavelength. long story short; after a very quick 2 years of marriage and a second kid on the way, we ended very turbulantly. she left me, took the kids and moved 8 hours away. no abuse or anything, we were just two people that had NOTHING in common for real. i continue to make the journey to visit my kids (now 14 and 13). i really feel like i was taken advantage of by someone who had an agenda. someone who was desperate to have children before they got too old... ex was 31 at the time we married. basically to get two children and move on. i felt robbed but managed to overcome the pain and i marked up that first marriage as a learning experience and felt i really grew from it. i knew true love would come my way and i just needed to be patient.

 

3 years after that one ended, i found this woman. a young irish woman (8 years my junior) who seemed to have her head on her shoulder and was showed me love like i have never felt before. it was love at first sight and that continued to grow until we married two years later. we have two beautiful children 5 and 3 year olds. they are our world. after celebrating our 8 year wedding anniversary in july i thought we were really doing well.

 

but a bombshell exploded on sept 6.. when my wife informed me that she met someone... that they had this amazing connection. i was shocked! i couldnt for the life of me figure out how she even had time to meet someone.. i mean we had just gotten back from a 12 day family reunion in ireland. and she said she met this guy in august. i finally got the details. get this; she met this guy on august 14 at a bar (she was out with her girlfriends) and they had this great conversation where apparently it ended with a kiss. right, so 4 days later she is on a plane to ireland where we spend 12 days. btw; she even initiated sex with me twice while in ireland. we get back to the states on a sunday and after her bookclub (on that wednesday) leaves to go to his house and has sex with him. I didnt know at the time... of course that this had happened. i knew that she came home very late that night and i thought that was unusual for a bookclub night. anyway, we attend a wedding over labor day weekend and when we return that night. as we're laying in bed. i say to her; i thought you were the prettiest bridesmaide. she says 'thank you' and then moments later asks me if i am happy. thats when i get the bombshell that she has met someone and connected with them.

 

it is now 3 weeks since this information has come to pass.. i am completely and utterly destroyed. my safe life has been turned upside down and i dont know how to function. we are in counseling (but she is starting to disbelieve some of what the counselor is saying). she had many ups and downs for two weeks.. where she was saying ... please dont shut me out, please give me a chance, i know i messed up, etc. - to - i am not sure what i want and sometimes i just want to be alone. unfortunately, she seems to be settling in the later feelings. we've been in separate bedrooms since this information came to light. i hate living this way.. i want my life back. she is so detached from me and it happened so quick that i really dont know how to get a grasp of the situation. i feel helpless b/c i seemingly have to wait for her to decide what she wants to do. she is trying to decide between me (and the family unit) or being on her own (or maybe she has notions this guy she's seen twice in her life will take her in.. but i dont know). this is the hardest part. i want to heal and i cannot do it alone... i love her so much, but get nothing back from her. again, her emotions switched off seemingly overnight. she hasnt cried or asked for forgiveness. its so bizare. she has now mentioned that separation might be an option for her but she isnt sure what that would look like to her (in her words). she has to realize that the kids would be effected by a separation and she wouldnt have them all the time. my idea would be a week to week.. having lost kids from my previous marriage, i would fight to my last breath to keep these kids on a regular visitation. no way will i have my (our) kids taken away from me again.

 

so, now i ponder; separation is in her mind. the words came out and she is fearful of how that would impact the kids. she has actually gone off this weekend to be with some girlfriends in VA. she said she needs space to think away from me and our living situation. i too, need to sort this out. figure out how i am going to make it if we go down the tubes. i am thinking that a 'trial separation' (nothing legal.. home grown contract) might let her see what things would be like if we separated or divorced. kind of give her a wake up call and/or help her decide after seeing things from that point of view. i feel she (turning 38 next month) is in the midst of a midlife crisis. whining kids, job stress, age, etc caused her to act out this way.... caused her to look for a way out. grass is greener on the other side type of thing. now she is just confused and torn as to whether she loves me or not.

 

i need to know that i am not jinxed in some way of never finding a lasting love. I really need some words of encouragement. i know there is nothing anyone here can say that will 'fix' this mess. and i know that no matter what happens, i'll survive as will the kids... but i really need strength and understanding to get thru this pain.

 

thanks all! ps; if you have a spouse and you havent shown them how special they are to you.. do it now! or it can manifest into someone trying to escape.

 

Perez

[What_Next]

Perez that is AWFUL. Her actions indicate she is in no way finished with this OM. This affair is ongoing. She has no intentions of stopping it right now.

 

My advice? Get her out of your life.

 

If she really believed she'd have done something wrong she would move heaven and earth to prove to you that she fu__ed up.

 

Read my thread for an example of how a female can act in this affair fog.

 

Trust me, she's already made plans to continue this affair and she believes they'll walk off into the distance together.

 

Protect yourself, protect your assets, protect your children. This person is NO LONGER your wife.

[Steadfast]

Unfortunately Perez, W_N is right on all counts. Your marriage is over.

 

Except for various small details what you're going through closely mirrors what happened to me three short years ago, including the feeling of being snake bit. Believe me when I say that I can relate. It will not be easy, but you'll get past this. The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself.

 

It's important that you know what you can and cannot control. You relate that this 'happened suddenly' but in reality, it was only sudden to you. Loving wives do not meet men then sleep with them only days later. For whatever reason but fueled by your wife's long-term thinking, she was looking for something to happen and it did. I can't tell you if she truly loves you but her motivation for this is stronger than the value of your marriage. Every action begins with a thought, followed by a decision. Your wife chose to do this. It did not 'just happen'. It was planned.

 

Now that you're 'catching up', I strongly advise that you ask her to leave the home right away. Like, yesterday. She does not want to be alone and she does not need time and space to think. She wants the freedom to see this man when she chooses while stringing you along with false hope. This is cake eating and it's evil...using your love and devotion as a safety net while she's sexing another man. Don't allow it!

 

I realize your instinct is to fix this. Go against that instinct. You want to stand and fight for your marriage and that's admirable, but the basis of your marriage is respect and hers has crumbled. Restore that. Tune up your man-power, stand your ground and see her OUT. It's the only way.

 

She will be angry. Be calculated. She might threaten. Welcome those with confidence and encourage it. Besides, all she really cares about right now is the other man. By not accepting (or enabling) this, that will soon crumble.

Again, this isn't easy and you'll make mistakes. Get up, brush yourself off and keep going. I know you love her...I loved my wife too and what she did devastated our family. But know this: the path to healing is not allowing her to use you and your devotion against you. She doesn't deserve it.

 

Sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.