Why do some women have extramarital affairs?

[kevin32]

This question is for women only.

 

When I was married, my wife cheated on me with another man. She never gave me a clear explanation as to why, but over the years after talking to men and women about relationships, I came up with 3 reasons why I feel some women have extramarital affairs:

 

A: She wants variety. She already has the safety and convenience of a committed relationship, and the sex is good. But she's getting bored with having sex with the same man all the time and she simply wants to have experiences with other men, without jeopardizing her current relationship.

 

B: The sex isn't good. Outside of bed, he's loving, compassionate, and listens to her. But in bed he's impotent, he's not good at what he does, or he doesn't want to have sex as often as she does, leaving her unfulfilled. He's a good husband and partner, but not a good lover.

 

C: The sex IS good, but there's no emotional bonding. In bed, he knows what to say and do to cause her to feel sweet sensations all over. But outside of bed he's cold, demeaning and inconsiderate of her feelings. He's a good lover, but not a good husband and partner.

 

I know this doesn't cover every possible reason why a woman would have an extramarital affair, but based on my experience from talking to others, I find these are the most common.

 

Ladies, I'm asking if you would arrange these in order from most common to least common (example: BCA, or ACB, etc.), based on your personal views and talks you've had with other women. Feel free to add in other <popular> reasons that I might not be aware of. Thanks.

[quankanne]

IMO, a woman who seeks out an affair is hooked on the thrill of "newness" or she just needs the kind of attention you won't give her (in her opinion). Or, she just wants something of her own to validate her as an attractive woman, not just be someone's wifey or mommy ...

[confusedinkansas]

For me - Had nothing to do with the sex.

I wasn't actually looking for someone - but I found someone that had some emotion, passion, fire!!!

 

My husband became cold, distant & apathetic towards me & life in general. I needed someone that would understand me, talk to & WITH me, be an emotional partner. Connect with me. The sex came months down the road (& it was fabulous) But we had an emotional bond by then.

That, I believe is why the sex was what it was.

 

hooked on the thrill of "newness" or she just needs the kind of attention you won't give her (in her opinion). Or, she just wants something of her own to validate her as an attractive woman, not just be someone's wifey or mommy ...

Yep - this is true too! Affairs are a total adrenaline rush. (with or without the sex)

[YellowShark]

I'm a guy and I'd like to chime in for a sec.

 

IMHO many women cheat because the man fails to make them feel desirable, understood, and loved. That's the bottom line.

 

While other women - (serial cheaters specifically) - cheat because they have a serious character flaw that can be traced to something that happened in their childhood.

 

The same can be said about men as well.

[PegNosePete]

People (men and women) cheat because they want to. No other reason.

 

They always have a choice. They choose to cheat. To blame the husband, the bad sex, the circumstances, is seeking justification for their choices, and just lying to themselves.

[ladydesigner]

My A was definitely for the emotional connection, which I was not getting at all from my H. My H had cheated on me a few times that I found out about and I was crippled from the pain of it. I felt worthless. XOM stepped in and made me feel terrific and we were already friends before we started the PA. It was the emotional connection to him that was so strong. I didn't really thrive as much from the secrecy nor did I think it was exciting per say, but he was definitely filling that emotional void I had in myself post husband's affair.

[turnera]

I'm a guy and I'd like to chime in for a sec.

 

IMHO many women cheat because the man fails to make them feel desirable, understood, and loved. That's the bottom line.

 

While other women - (serial cheaters specifically) - cheat because they have a serious character flaw that can be traced to something that happened in their childhood.

 

The same can be said about men as well.

Exactly. Read the book His Needs Her Needs.

[confusedinkansas]

People (men and women) cheat because they want to. No other reason.

 

They always have a choice. They choose to cheat. To blame the husband, the bad sex, the circumstances, is seeking justification for their choices, and just lying to themselves.

 

I agree! We always have a choice.

 

However, in hind site (not while you're in the moment) Many do actually know why they did what they did. It's not a matter of blaming, justification or lying to ourselves. There is always a reason for anyone's infidelity. A man's or a woman's.

 

I think that those of us that do know the reason for our cheating are better equipped to handle walking away from a situation should it arise again & fix whatever's wrong with the marriage that could make something like this happen. (again)

[woinlove]

We have a couple first hand responses explaining what some women wanted or received from an affair that they weren't getting from their husbands. What isn't explained is why they didn't either leave their husband or negotiate an open marriage.

 

I've also wanted and received the excitement and connection that others described, but I've never cheated because I either left first or negotiated an open relationship. To me, that seemed like the right thing to do since I don't like to deceive others. I expect that my self-esteem would take a beating if I was deceitful. Perhaps others feel trapped and unable to look for what they want openly? Unable to leave and unable to work to change the marriage? I've never quite understood this and the answers we are getting are not addressing that key part.

[turnera]

That wasn't the question.

[pureinheart]

I'm a guy and I'd like to chime in for a sec.

 

IMHO many women cheat because the man fails to make them feel desirable, understood, and loved. That's the bottom line.

 

While other women - (serial cheaters specifically) - cheat because they have a serious character flaw that can be traced to something that happened in their childhood.

 

The same can be said about men as well.

 

I think you hit it again YS, on all points:)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I never cheated because of sex - I cheated because I liked knowing that I was objectively desired. It is a given that your husband wants you - sometimes you like knowing that you are attractive and desired in general. Yes, there was sex involved but it was more a case of the 'newness' and 'thrill' of it than it was the quantity or quality.

[What_Next]

I think all 3 are often used as "reasons" to justify the behavior but none ever do. A friend of mine recently entered into counciling and her councilor told her that you go out shopping for what you don't have at home. Sure that's simplistic but it does make sense.

 

In my case it was C.

 

However, that does NOT justify it, nor make it right. In my opinion the bottom line is that the cheater is selfish and lacks self control. Justify it in any way you want, but for me that's what it boils down to. My EX has learned that in addition the consequences are SEVERE.

[kevin32]

Thanks ladies for responding. I needed a woman's perspective on this.

[wheelwright]

C- yeah if that hadn't gone it would have been different.

 

B

 

A

 

Why do you want to know?

[wheelwright]

C- yeah if that hadn't gone it would have been different.

 

B

 

A

 

Why do you want to know?

 

Oh yeah, and I fell in love. You only asked about what was in the M that allowed it, not the reason for the A. Which is about the AP, no?

[jmargel]

And what did the affairs really do for you in the long term? It was really just all a game, correct? You only got to fill that 'void' for a short time while it was going on and now that it's over you are back to where you were.

 

Women justify this by saying their husband didn't do this or that, however is it not the responsibility to actually communicate so that they are not tempted to cheat? To try counseling, to actually build back up what you two once had? And if there is too much water under the bridge to just leave the situation?

 

Cheating just compounds the problem, not just the marriage but the emotional problems that each spouse already has. It's like trying to put a band-aid on a wound that needs stiches. You might temporarily feel better but at some point you really need to get in there and deal with it the way it's suppose to otherwise only more pain is going to come.

 

I just wish more people would step back and look at the bigger picture before doing things like cheating.

[stuckinoz]

Women justify this by saying their husband didn't do this or that, however is it not the responsibility to actually communicate so that they are not tempted to cheat? To try counseling, to actually build back up what you two once had? And if there is too much water under the bridge to just leave the situation?

And men justify it by saying, waahh my wife won't have sex with me, wahhh she doesn't understand me, wahhh she won't be_____(fill in the blank) that I need in my life right now & I'll be damn'd I deserve this!!!

I've heard it! More than once.

 

As for counseling - doesn't work all the time.

A scenario: Try explaining to a husband you love, that is so wrapped up in his own world, doesn't hear you & frankly doesn't want to hear you - thinks the marriage is perfect! Divorce isn't an option for a lot of reasons.

You can call it justification all you want to. It's still just a reason why ANYONE (Men & Women) Cheat.

[Dexter Morgan]

Why do some women have extramarital affairs?

 

because they have lousy character.

[seibert253]

IMO there's two main reasons for A's

 

1. Lack of communication. One spouse doesn't communicate wants, needs, or problems with the other. Or the other "hears" it, but doesn't process this information. OP enters the picture, and there you go. Receipt for disaster.

 

2. Character flaw. Some just plain lack character

 

Each of us are different, but I think if you simplify it, those are the two main reasons.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know Im being Idealistic here, but wouldnt it be great if the women actually said to the husband "listen _____ I'm seriously thinking of finding another man to have a fling with if you dont start giving me more_____."

 

if a woman said that to me, I'd pack her bags for her.

 

if a woman wants to sit down and discuss things in a mature manner, I'll listen all day every day.

 

but if she wants to gaslight me into emotional extortion....she then just revealed herself to me as an untrustworthy entitlement princess who needs to be shown the door.

[20Seconds]

I had an affair because I didn;t want to be with my H anymore but didn't know how to get out. The affair forced the decision.

 

I only know one other woman who has admitting having an affair and she did it for the same reasons.

 

Can't comment on your A, B & C which would appear to all be reasons why someone would have an affair because something in their marriage was "missing", but that some aspects were good, not that the whole thing had irretrievably broken down.

 

Affairs happen for various reasons, for both men and women, most common are exit affairs (like mine) or triangle affairs where the existence of an EMA makes the marriage more tolerable (it becomes a prop which stops the MPs from having to sort out the issues in their M).

 

HTH

[Spark1111]

Wow! All great posts here......

 

I think women have affairs for emotional reasons! They need to feel desired, attractive and understood.

 

Then the sex CAN become of the charts for us, but is not the main ingredient pf attraction in a woman's affair.

 

Men love sex and it is the way they show their love, but if a woman does not feel you are making the emotional and romantic effort, (like maybe you use to) she is not all that interested. You then seek it elsewhere and then your emotional bond grows with the new woman.

 

We are the exact opposite of each other.

 

But, generally all cheaters have two qualities that help shoot their primary relationship in the foot: Severe conflict avoidance and poor communication skills. And often, very low self-esteem which makes them very vulnerable to external validation.

 

So most spouses are truly unaware of how miserable their partner may be prior to embarking on the affair. That's a pretty common theme. And then the cheater begins to convince themself that it will never change, so they start to justify it.

 

What they don't realize is that they need to be the change they wish to see in the relationship, and they need to communicate clearly what their needs are, and what changes they want.

 

For most women, an affair has much less to do with sex than men think. For men, an affair has much more to do with sex, but then the emotional bond may or may not grow with a more willing participant.

[20Seconds]

Wow! All great posts here......

 

 

Men love sex and it is the way they show their love,

 

I don;t think that's just the preserve of men - I love sex and like to show my love by doing it too! I suppose everyone has their preferred ways of showing love and affection, mine isn;t just limited to sex!

 

Severe conflict avoidance and poor communication skills.

 

Totally agree, my affair happened because I couldn't deal with ending my marriage

 

So most spouses are truly unaware of how miserable their partner may be prior to embarking on the affair.

 

I agree, my exH said he had no idea I felt that our M was truly over, he thought it was just a bad patch (that had lasted over 3 years )

 

 

 

Those are interesting points.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Wow! All great posts here......

I think women have affairs for emotional reasons! They need to feel desired, attractive and understood.

 

Then tell me why it's so uncommon for women to have affairs in places like Iran.

 

Bottom line... women have affairs because they face zero consequences... and in divorce situations they almost always benefit.

 

Affairs should be considered equal to physical abuse when filing for a divorce.