lamb Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 First I should give some background information... I've been friends with the guy I'm currently dating since early this year (we met at his ex's birthday party funnily enough) and often see each other out as we have mutual friends, we always got on well and spoke a lot on facebook etc. However our relationship didn't really get off to the best start, 2 months ago we bumped into eachother in a club, we were both rather drunk and he asked me back to his. To cut a rather long story short a couple of days after he told a mutual friend that he felt bad for what happened, that he wasn't over his ex and he shouldn't have slept with me and that he was very sorry for messing me around. Of course having the hear this from my friend was very hurtful, but I quickly got over it. About a month later I saw him out again, this time he apologised in person, saying that he'd only split up with his long term girlfriend (they'd been together since school, he's now 25) a couple of weeks before we slept together and that he had been a mess. He was sorry that he'd messed up any chance of us being together and that he did really like me, if nothing else he wanted us to be friends because he missed talking to me. I accepted his apology and things went back to "normal" between us for about a week before my feelings for him started to return. One night I flat out asked him what we were doing? I told him how much I liked him and that I didn't want to just be his friend anymore, he said he didn't want to rush into anything but we agreed to a date. We ended up having an amazing time and have pretty much seen each other everyday since then, he admitted he was wrong about us and regretted not admitting his feelings sooner, I know that he also speaks fondly of me to his friends, this was just over 2 weeks ago now. So... the ex! They'd been on and off for years, I know that in the end they broke up for two reasons. One, she'd been cheating on him and two she was moving to Germany for a job. He's only ever mentioned her a couple of times and it's always in an indifferent way, most things I know about her are things that friends have told me, she's not really been painted in a very good light. Anyway last night he was being rather quiet towards me, he said his brain was "frazzeld", normally he's a very chatty person. I found out that him and his ex had become friends again on facebook and I can only assume that his quietness towards me was because he was talking to her. Now I'm not normally a jealous person but this really got to me, I know from friends that things were never really resolved between him and his ex, I'm not worried about them getting back together (she's in Germany after all) but I am getting the feeling that he may not be over her. So really my question is should I be worried? I know that she really hurt him but after so many years together he must still feel something towards her, I'm not friends with any of my ex's and so don't know how this is meant to work. Should I wait and see what happens next or bring up the fact that he's now "friends" with her? Can he still have feelings for me even though he's not over his ex girlfriend?
Eeyore79 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Yes, you should definitely be worried. This guy has broken up with his ex and got back together a few times - what makes you think he won't do it again? He's clearly still seeing her (because he was at her party) and he's also become Facebook friends with her, so he's obviously started talking to her again. It's only a matter of time before something happens between them. If he was totally over her, he wouldn't be "frazzled" and quiet because of talking to her - in fact he already told you he isn't over her. If I were you, I'd run as far away from this guy as I could possibly get. He obvously isn't over his ex, he's becoming closer to her again instead of distancing himself, and he doesn't sound as into you as he should be. I don't think you're going to get what you want from this relationship, and will probably end up getting hurt because of his continuing relationship with his ex. It would be better for you if you weren't in the middle of their mess.
Author lamb Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 Well she's living in Germany for one thing, he lives in the UK so like I said, it's not really the getting back together thing that I was over worried about. The birthday party was back when they were still together, sorry I should probably have made the clearer. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overeating, after all they have so much history together, I thought it might be unreasonable of me to say they can't ever be friends?
brainblox Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 (edited) Not sure what to tell you but for him I would say cut all contact with this Ex or she'll end up being like an interfering mother in law in all his future relationships. I cut contact the last few months with an ex I stayed friends with for over 7 years, I dumped her after a 4 year relationship, a year after the split she called me to tell me the her dog died and from that day on we stayed friends. Problem is, I slept with her knowing I would never want to be with her again and she made out this was fine and went along, alarm bells ring as soon as I tell her I met someone. She would call non stop when before she would be cool, she would tell me that she still loved me ! I think I'm to blame for sleeping with a woman who still loved me and I wish I never went back there, It ruins both our chances of moving on, now I told her this she hates me and I understand ! Edited September 24, 2010 by brainblox
Eeyore79 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overeating, after all they have so much history together, I thought it might be unreasonable of me to say they can't ever be friends? That is exactly the reason why they can't be friends. There is too much history between them; their friendship would be inappropriately intimate.
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