Istari Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 (edited) A long time ago after leaving University I turned into a bit of a recluse, a quarter life crisis, perhaps based on the indecision of pursuing a money centric career or a life of searching for happiness elsewhere with little concern for money. NB: I had always been the life and soul of any party before this but felt life would lack something if I picked the former over the latter and a life of partying up until that point seemed devoid of substance. I was trying to search for the meaning of life from inside myself loosing many social skills along the way. Anyway... after a while I felt like getting back out there and got a new job, a girlfriend and life seemed on the up. Trouble is after a few years with minimal social contact I soon became like a kid in a candy store and fairly quickly became involved with another girl at the same time, then as I was breaking it off with her I suddenly realised I really liked a colleague as well and the feeling was mutual. After a few weeks I let the original GF go as I knew cheating wasn't right and the colleague and I were just too awesome together. This is were the trouble started.... She had just broken up from a 3 year 'on & off' relationship and obviously after a month or two of us together still had trouble dealing with that break up, a few breakdowns made this apparent. I knew this girl was going to break my heart but I had never experienced anything like what we had before, even after countless relationships. To me at least this relationship was off the scale and this girl quite obviously the one for me. After a relatively intense few months, I could tell for her the honey moon phase was starting to wane and this troubled me greatly. So much so I started to obsess and push her further away until one December morning, waking up she told me it was over. After this point it got really bad.... I couldn't handle the fact that after what we had she could break it off, in hindsight I most probably got feelings for him transferred onto me, regardless she needed space and I should have provided that calmly. Instead hassled her night and day for months loosing all respect she ever had for me and caused her much grief, like getting kicked out of a pub she then worked at, constant texts, calls, FB msg's. We lived in the same small region of a very social city and passing her in the street was inevitable. Even so I would find myself wandering the streets in a haze of mindless despair at all hours, I don't like to admit it to myself but I was just hoping to bump into her, although there was nothing I could say or do to change things except make things worse. Worse to the point she had seen me around places at odd times and felt I was stalking her. Which again in hindsight I effectively was... Very ashamed now, life back on track, I've had a few girlfriends since, one of which was for over a year before I admitted to myself I just couldn't love her or any other girl as much as is possible with the one I write about. I am completely unable to move on, every fibre of my being cannot be simply turned off or switched to elsewhere. I think it's fair to say this girl will never consider talking to me again let alone consider meeting - where I want to apologise and absolve some of my guilt and hopefully move on from there. I have considered getting some sort of counselling (just what from where I have no clue?) and perhaps this should have been done long before I had met her, I would never admit depression, I felt it was possible to overcome something so personal by myself. This is obviously not the case and in a roundabout way caused this mess and further complications. So I'm still stuck, please WTF can I do? It's been three years since and there is no end in sight. Edited September 24, 2010 by Istari Grammer
Recommended Posts