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maybe getting back together, tips to make it happen?!

bolase

By bolase
in Second Chances

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bolase Established Member

bolase

Posted
Posted

I think he wants to be with me but not sure?

 

I saw my ex for the first time in weeks last night, now my head is full of emotions. (I broke up with him a couple of months ago when he wasnt making any time for the relationship and was very unexpressive with me, not physically affectionate except for sex and never really told me how he felt, so I thought rather than stay frustrated, it would be better as friends).

 

I tried talking to him about it, asking him to make more effort but then he told me he couldn't choose "all or nothing". I think it scared him.

 

We spent the recent time apart, but last night at his initiation we went on a drive, a long night walk where he kissed me, told me he'd missed me, then I stayed over but we didn't have sex, just cuddled and he said he appreciated me being there so much, and i was like a drug..

 

I felt the same way but now I wonder does he want me back or not? Normally the dumper has to chase the dumpee back but I really feel he was the one not making effort so he needs to step up, and I want him to. How can I encourage him making effort, and make him feel good without sleeping with him unless we are together again eventually? Avoid all "relationship talk"?

 

Thanks :)

Billie The Puppet Established Member

Billie The Puppet

Posted
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This may be a very rare case where the dumper actually wants to be chased, but it is still up to the dumper to do the chasing.

 

You say you feel he should because he didn't put in the effort but from an ego standpoint dumpees are not supposed to chase.

 

Whose to say that he will put in the effort this time?

 

If you as a dumper want a second chance do yourself a favor and chase.

 

 

Most dumpees in this forum would love that.

totalpackage New Member

totalpackage

Posted
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Not to sound mean or anything but if you dumped him because of issues you didn't want to live with why go back if the issues aren't fixed yet? Think of the time you spent as a band aid on a bullet hole. It was comforting to be around him but if you two had issues which led to the split I suggest you fix them before you start trying to move forward as a couple good luck

Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted

This is why I don't think most 2nd chances work, I think you will get back together because of the "thrill" but nothing will change. I also find it odd that you say you dumped him and you are chasing him. I have a feeling he didn't fight you when you broke up with him and said ok. That doesn't exactly make you the Dumper. Sista, I don't think he's that into you. IMO, you might get him back, but he will go back to his old ways after a while is likely dump you or cheat on you when he finds a woman that he really wants. Move on.

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

Posted
Posted
This is why I don't think most 2nd chances work, I think you will get back together because of the "thrill" but nothing will change. I also find it odd that you say you dumped him and you are chasing him. I have a feeling he didn't fight you when you broke up with him and said ok. That doesn't exactly make you the Dumper. Sista, I don't think he's that into you. IMO, you might get him back, but he will go back to his old ways after a while is likely dump you or cheat on you when he finds a woman that he really wants. Move on.

 

Don Ho, you give good advice, but sometimes you take it over the edge with a sense of negativity.

 

I agree that this second chance may not work because none of the issues from the prior relationship have really been worked out. This is key!

 

It doesn't mean that he isn't that into her, or that he will likely dump or cheat on her! Perhaps if they talked about what went wrong in their relationship in the first place, and they figure out if a second chance is worth it or not.

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bolase Established Member

bolase

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So an update...

 

He asked to have a picnic in the park at lunch today. It was hell windy so I invited him to my house which isn't far away. We hung out the whole day and ended up sleeping together at night. it was stupid I guess, but I dont regret it..yet.

 

I wouldn't really expect it, as he's not the emotional type and we both left pretty tired, but he hasn't texted me since (5 hours ago) and I wish we both put each other in "up" moods rather than down ones..

 

I did ask my ex if he wanted to try again not long ago, to which he responded that we should try to build a friendship back up before e go our separate ways at the end of the year.

 

What do to? I am in danger of getting attavched and then heartbroken at the end of the year I know, so should I try to move on now?

 

Don Ho I don;t think he is that into me as a girlfriend, but he really appreciates me as a friend; would do anything for me. I havent been all that emotionally open with him either. I just don't know..might try not to contact him for a while.

 

I don't kno whether i was the dumper or dumpee as he did seem to take it lying down when I ended it - but then he suffers from depression etc and thinks he's unworthy, so..it's confusing.. :(

 

I will add that passion/attraction is not an issue

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

Posted
Posted
So an update...

 

He asked to have a picnic in the park at lunch today. It was hell windy so I invited him to my house which isn't far away. We hung out the whole day and ended up sleeping together at night. it was stupid I guess, but I dont regret it..yet.

 

I wouldn't really expect it, as he's not the emotional type and we both left pretty tired, but he hasn't texted me since (5 hours ago) and I wish we both put each other in "up" moods rather than down ones..

 

I did ask my ex if he wanted to try again not long ago, to which he responded that we should try to build a friendship back up before e go our separate ways at the end of the year.

 

What do to? I am in danger of getting attavched and then heartbroken at the end of the year I know, so should I try to move on now?

 

Don Ho I don;t think he is that into me as a girlfriend, but he really appreciates me as a friend; would do anything for me. I havent been all that emotionally open with him either. I just don't know..might try not to contact him for a while.

 

I don't kno whether i was the dumper or dumpee as he did seem to take it lying down when I ended it - but then he suffers from depression etc and thinks he's unworthy, so..it's confusing.. :(

 

I will add that passion/attraction is not an issue

 

Well, after reading this, I have to say you should just forget this guy for awhile. He's not making much of an effort to show you he really cares. You deserve better!

Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted
Don Ho, you give good advice, but sometimes you take it over the edge with a sense of negativity. It doesn't mean that he isn't that into her, or that he will likely dump or cheat on her! Perhaps if they talked about what went wrong in their relationship in the first place, and they figure out if a second chance is worth it or not.

 

It's not a sense of negativity, it's pragmatism. Not my fault you hold on and you're a hopeless romantic! :p She's more into him than he is to her ... not a good situation for her. Why be with someone that isn't that into you when you can find someone that is into you.

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

Posted
Posted
It's not a sense of negativity, it's pragmatism. Not my fault you hold on and you're a hopeless romantic! :p She's more into him than he is to her ... not a good situation for her. Why be with someone that isn't that into you when you can find someone that is into you.

 

Well, as you see, once I read the OP's latest post, I told her that it was best to forget about the guy. :p I just like to have all the information before I come to a conclusion!

TearsofHope Member

TearsofHope

Posted
Posted

 

(I broke up with him a couple of months ago when he wasnt making any time for the relationship and was very unexpressive with me, not physically affectionate except for sex and never really told me how he felt, so I thought rather than stay frustrated, it would be better as friends).

 

 

BINGO! You just said it yourself. The dude wasn't trying to make any time for you in the relationship, unexpressive, not intimate.. sounds like this guy was emotionally detached from the relationship prior to you breaking up with him. You just made him look less guilty/lazy by doing the breakup yourself. Thus, when you come back as the DUMPER, he can play the game by using you for the sake of "missing the comfort zone", but this guy already had his bags packed, you just packed your bags and walked out before he did.

 

In a situation like this, I never like to be on the negative side of views, but sounds to me that this relationship just died out as I know that feeling. and it is really complicated to try to spark things up. Sometimes you wonder if the other party is has a girlfriend/showing interest in someone else at the moment or really just given up on YOU and wants nothing to do with you and relationships combined.

 

I hate to tell you but I am not quite sure if you should just leave everything as it is. Too many months have gone by and neither party tried to make any real effort to get back into the relationship. It's just seems like some type of 10 year high school reunion where you sorta care to see the person and sorta don't b/c you moved on.

 

If you as the DUMPER have done all you could to talk to him about how you feel, and if the dumpee isn't trying. Give up and put your energy into someone else.

 

Remember, you are the dumper, so perhaps he isn't trying to do anything b/c it would look foolish for him to run after you when you dumped him.

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bolase Established Member

bolase

Posted
  • Author
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Yes..wow..there is some really awesome and compassionate advice from each of you and I agree! It's just not meant to be. I like to think I'm this mega independent girl, and I am mostly, he even calls me a feminist for doing my own things all the time when he wants to hang out, but I think we're just two people who aren't able to be emotionally open with each other. It was different at the start-start, but I do want to be with someone who really is my close friend as well, someone who understands how I feel and I don't think he is. Maybe it's my fault for not being open enough. But I'm going to forgive myself for yesterday, it happens, and try to be on my own for a bit. It sucks but its not so bad.

 

If I thought there was no chance of reconciliation I could be friends with him, but at this point I have initiated enough interest since the breakup for him to try, but he never initiates relationship talk and hated it always, so I don't want to ask him what he wants.

 

I know he should tell me but he's so closed off and quiet and moody that I can't xpect it..he was like that since I'm known him, just more optimistic when we started going out.

 

Sigh. At least there's no what ifs.

Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted

Um. Yep. Read my signature about ten times!

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bolase Established Member

bolase

Posted
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you don't appear to have one

cavedweller Established Member

cavedweller

Posted
Posted

bo,

 

You may want to give it a second chance..

 

Remember:

 

"All is fair in love and war." (there are no rules)

 

my 2 cents

Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted (edited)

It didn't show my signature ...

Edited by Don Ho
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