Dead inside

[crystalballer7983]

please don't judge all the mistakes in this story for i know them for what they are. i guess just getting this off my chest, any advice or insight, feel free.

 

here goes:

 

we met showing cattle, she was 17, i was 21. we dated for almost two years, long distance relationship, 500 miles apart, saw each other couple times a month, obviously lots of phone time emails, etc. toward the very end i felt disconnected from her and confused with evrything in my life. i had moved about 300 miles farther from her and things started to drift. i moved back home, and met a new girl and decided to break things off with my current girl. we were convinced we were each other's soul mates but her parents pressured her through the entire relationship to go after someone who came from money(which i never understood i didnt seeing as how my family milks 600 cows and owns 2000 acres of farmland) but thats beside the point.

 

so, i broke up with her, saying we both needed to be single to test our relationship becuz it seemed dead in the water: she wasnt ready to move here, she didnt want me to move there becuz if she moved in with me her parents would cut her off financially for college(she had a full time job, too. very hard worker). so after 2 yrs of wut i felt of no progression, i decided to take a big risk.

 

we kept in full contact for six months, and then, abruptly, we talked very little. when she called for my birthday, to ask wut i wanted, my plan was to say, u. i bought u a plane ticket. plz come and lets figure out how to be together, i love u. never got the chance. she was set up to go on a date with the guy her parents tried to set her up with the whole time we were dating (amazingly, he was rich!) so they started dating, we started fighting, and she cut contact.

 

i tried like hell to get through to her and to apologize and win her back, etc. finally, after six months, she called me. we both broke down crying and saying how sorry we were, and how much we loved one another and wanted to marry each other still. she said that she didnt love her boyfriend, she was dating him becuz it pleased her parents and that a day never went by that she didnt think of me and that her parents forced her to cut contact. this was genuine, it was hard to understand her through all the blubbering and crying. she said her b-friend had taken her aside a month ago and professed his love to her and that she had remained silent and got up and walked away cuz she didnt know wut to say.

 

anyway, after a lot of hours of talking and calming down, she suggested the conversation should get more intimate (a common thing we did to wrap up our late night talks). but i said no, cuz she was dating someone else and i wasnt gonna let her cheat on him. i said she needed to break up with him and evrything be straight before we got serious again. so she decided over the next few days that she would break up with him and was gonna tell her parents and that she was going to move to Wisconsin and attend school here. we talked on this for a week and were serious and my mother bought her a plane ticket as an apology (she rejected her when we were dating).

 

so, couple days later, i got to call her in the evening, and i get a message, this number has been disconnected or changed. crazy! ithought. of course, ifreaked out, cuz this was all too familiar by now (her disappearing act) but in ver heard from her again.

 

i sent a lot of emails in the beginning. she read them all but never responded. after a while, i sent less and less. now i send one once a month, when i break down and its the only thing that relieves the pain. she reads them all. never responds.

 

she changed her number in December of 2007. i am more in love with her evry day. to add to it, i did like she asked me to when she first met her boyfriend, before our big fights: she had asked, try to find somone to make u happy. so, i began dating a girl in 2008. we are still together. we now have a 6 month old daughter and are to wed in 2011. i love her very much and she is a wonderful gal.

 

but i am dead inside. i live my life like a play, and i am now very good at acting. but, about once a month, it wears thin, and i get real quiet and eventually crack, end up writing my ex, and being depressed. and then i suppress it again.

 

my girlfrind knows about her and she got me to tell her evrything. she was very upset but swears she stands by me becuz she loves me. and i love her for it. i just wish i felt this way about my current girl.

 

but i dont. i love her and want to marry her but we are like roomates who sleep together or buddies, or partners. we have a comforting level of intimacy but that is it. i know it kills her and it does me. i cannot open up or feel much. the bond i had with my ex was one where we communicated through looks without words and we did this often. its how we met. we didnt talk for hours, we just watched each others eyes. and we both confessed we had never been deeper or more connected to any living soul.

 

i now feel like my life is a nightmare and it feels like it gets worse every day even though i am surrounded by blessings. i can only ignore the fact that i am still as in love with her as the day we met(my ex) for so long and then it surfaces. i feel dead inside and i have begu nto accept it. i work hard and focus on progress. but evry now and then, like tonight, i long for exes sweet soft voice or light touch and know that may or will never be again. and if she doesnt feel the same, why does she read all the messages? gues it doesnt matter.

 

i know this sound sstupid and i apologize to anyone who feels theyve wasted they're time reading this.

[shayan]

It's been three years and you are still mourning. I am so sorry. Listen, you need to stop writing your ex. You need to start closing your heart. Do you know why you are not happy with your life? Because you have placed all your happiness in the hands of someone else. It is obvious you are obessed with this girl, if you are not able to enjoy what is around you this long after the break up. No more contact with your ex you need work on yourself and cutting this obsession from your life. My suggestions work on accepting that things are over, and then mourn as much as you have too. Next, work on reinvesting your energy and love into yourself and your new family, because you simply can not give it to her anymore fruitlessly. Good luck my friend

[summerl0vesyou]

please don't judge all the mistakes in this story for i know them for what they are. i guess just getting this off my chest, any advice or insight, feel free.

 

here goes:

 

we met showing cattle, she was 17, i was 21. we dated for almost two years, long distance relationship, 500 miles apart, saw each other couple times a month, obviously lots of phone time emails, etc. toward the very end i felt disconnected from her and confused with evrything in my life. i had moved about 300 miles farther from her and things started to drift. i moved back home, and met a new girl and decided to break things off with my current girl. we were convinced we were each other's soul mates but her parents pressured her through the entire relationship to go after someone who came from money(which i never understood i didnt seeing as how my family milks 600 cows and owns 2000 acres of farmland) but thats beside the point.

 

so, i broke up with her, saying we both needed to be single to test our relationship becuz it seemed dead in the water: she wasnt ready to move here, she didnt want me to move there becuz if she moved in with me her parents would cut her off financially for college(she had a full time job, too. very hard worker). so after 2 yrs of wut i felt of no progression, i decided to take a big risk.

 

we kept in full contact for six months, and then, abruptly, we talked very little. when she called for my birthday, to ask wut i wanted, my plan was to say, u. i bought u a plane ticket. plz come and lets figure out how to be together, i love u. never got the chance. she was set up to go on a date with the guy her parents tried to set her up with the whole time we were dating (amazingly, he was rich!) so they started dating, we started fighting, and she cut contact.

 

i tried like hell to get through to her and to apologize and win her back, etc. finally, after six months, she called me. we both broke down crying and saying how sorry we were, and how much we loved one another and wanted to marry each other still. she said that she didnt love her boyfriend, she was dating him becuz it pleased her parents and that a day never went by that she didnt think of me and that her parents forced her to cut contact. this was genuine, it was hard to understand her through all the blubbering and crying. she said her b-friend had taken her aside a month ago and professed his love to her and that she had remained silent and got up and walked away cuz she didnt know wut to say.

 

anyway, after a lot of hours of talking and calming down, she suggested the conversation should get more intimate (a common thing we did to wrap up our late night talks). but i said no, cuz she was dating someone else and i wasnt gonna let her cheat on him. i said she needed to break up with him and evrything be straight before we got serious again. so she decided over the next few days that she would break up with him and was gonna tell her parents and that she was going to move to Wisconsin and attend school here. we talked on this for a week and were serious and my mother bought her a plane ticket as an apology (she rejected her when we were dating).

 

so, couple days later, i got to call her in the evening, and i get a message, this number has been disconnected or changed. crazy! ithought. of course, ifreaked out, cuz this was all too familiar by now (her disappearing act) but in ver heard from her again.

 

i sent a lot of emails in the beginning. she read them all but never responded. after a while, i sent less and less. now i send one once a month, when i break down and its the only thing that relieves the pain. she reads them all. never responds.

 

she changed her number in December of 2007. i am more in love with her evry day. to add to it, i did like she asked me to when she first met her boyfriend, before our big fights: she had asked, try to find somone to make u happy. so, i began dating a girl in 2008. we are still together. we now have a 6 month old daughter and are to wed in 2011. i love her very much and she is a wonderful gal.

 

but i am dead inside. i live my life like a play, and i am now very good at acting. but, about once a month, it wears thin, and i get real quiet and eventually crack, end up writing my ex, and being depressed. and then i suppress it again.

 

my girlfrind knows about her and she got me to tell her evrything. she was very upset but swears she stands by me becuz she loves me. and i love her for it. i just wish i felt this way about my current girl.

 

but i dont. i love her and want to marry her but we are like roomates who sleep together or buddies, or partners. we have a comforting level of intimacy but that is it. i know it kills her and it does me. i cannot open up or feel much. the bond i had with my ex was one where we communicated through looks without words and we did this often. its how we met. we didnt talk for hours, we just watched each others eyes. and we both confessed we had never been deeper or more connected to any living soul.

 

i now feel like my life is a nightmare and it feels like it gets worse every day even though i am surrounded by blessings. i can only ignore the fact that i am still as in love with her as the day we met(my ex) for so long and then it surfaces. i feel dead inside and i have begu nto accept it. i work hard and focus on progress. but evry now and then, like tonight, i long for exes sweet soft voice or light touch and know that may or will never be again. and if she doesnt feel the same, why does she read all the messages? gues it doesnt matter.

 

i know this sound sstupid and i apologize to anyone who feels theyve wasted they're time reading this.

 

i read this because I feel your pain, seriously I do.

your circumstance is really difficult. i dont know why she reads the messages but i do know one thing: if she felt the way you do, she wouldnt let it just slip by- she would contact you.

Theres no good reason to let this much time go by, if she felt the same.

 

In any case, you cant force yourself to feel something for your girl now. if its not there, its not there. And i hate to be the one to say it, but I think you should reconsider your marriage proposal. Because its a LOT worse to get divorced. You are essentially saying that she doesnt light your fire, and trust me, you wont spend your life that way. youll either cheat, or leave and its better to do it sooner than later.

(my opinion.)

 

Although I have almost resigned myself to the same thing because I feel like I lost the "love of my life" as well...we were like you two, completing each other and connecting on a level thats simply as deep as it gets.

TRUST ME! its tempting to just say, "well itll never get better than her so Ill settle for less", and hey, maybe thats true...maybe we only feel a love like that once in our lives. sometimes i really believe that. I work with a woman who cares about her husband deeply and says she is happy, and shes attracted to him. But at one point, before she met her husband, she was MADLY in love with someone else. then she saw him a few years after their split and realized how different things really were, and although she never felt that mad passion for her husband, she does feel happy and has been married for 20 years.

 

But....were too young to resign ourselves just yet, my friend.

you are still in love, years after shes gone...and I understand. I know how that feels. Its crazy to think you still love someone, long after you "should" have gotten over it.

are you possibly fantasizing and making your ex something she isnt? her disappearing acts etc, show that she doesnt deserve this eternal love you have for her. if she was truly your soulmate...shed be here now. right?

Edited September 24, 2010 by summerl0vesyou

[witabix]

My friend you really have to get a grip on yourself. You have a partner and a child yet you are pining after someone who won't even reply to emails, and its been years.

 

I understand you had some feelings for her when you were together, and that perhaps circumstances led you apart, but you really cannot expect to have any kind of happiness now or in the future if you insist on carrying around this bag of memories that you dip into.

 

It really isn't fair. Not to your partner, your child or most importantly to yourself.

 

You describe your SO as wonderful etc, but claim you still love someone who ignores you, who hasn't been in your life for years it appears. Yet the mother of your child is right there, she carried your baby, went through childbirth, you are to be married next year........

 

What is up with you? I don't know, and it seems you don't either. You have to get this straightened out. You cannot continue leaving your SO in such a painful position, she deserves better, and I am sure you do to.

[crystalballer7983]

thank u, all of u for ur words. u are all completely right. the one thing that holds me back from a victory is the fact that when the memories hit (all throughout the day, every little thing triggers these) an amazing calm and peace washes over me, and its like i relive the memory and im happy. and then i snap back to reality. best way ican describe it. so i just go on and try to pretend it didnt happen but its the problem that when those flashbacks happen, those are the happy points in my day becuz im like, yea i remember feeling like that: it felt good! sounds dumb....

 

its kinda like the girl in the beginning of New Moon... she keeps doing dumb things to see Edward..... that was hard to watch cuz i was like, wow, i totally am identifying with this character cuz that's exactly wut its like.

 

i agree with u all this must change. cuz its killing me.... and people notice.... someone at my sisters wedding last year said i seemed so mature and serious, so completely different thaat they didnt recognize me(literally!) cuz the last time they saw me, i was always smiling....

 

other funny thing, before her dissappearing act, i was a party animal, all the time, me and all my friends, we were damn near alcoholics, we drank so much and had a blast. after this happened, never go to parties and drink maybe two beers in a month, if that....

Edited September 24, 2010 by crystalballer7983

[witabix]

when the memories hit (all throughout the day, every little thing triggers these) an amazing calm and peace washes over me, and its like i relive the memory and im happy.

 

That sounds like an addiction, you have to quit it.

[Satty]

Sounds like a more severe version of what I'm going through now. I just broke up with my ex roughly 4 months ago. She initially rejected all contact from me but in that 4 months I began dating this girl but I know I will never love her as much as I did to my ex. Now my ex just contacted me and we have been talking for 2 days but she started to go NC ytd and today for no reason. Meanwhile, the girl I'm with now has been asking me to make our relationship public and etc but I kept delaying it because somewhere in my heart, I would still choose my ex over her.

Yea its probably not as bad as yours but I think I can understand how you feel a little.

[HoldingPatterns]

The one who got away!

 

My most recent ex g/f is that girl. She is the one I will always love!

 

Sad thing about it is I don't think I ever knew her. She is 21 and i'm 26. She doesn't know herself. She is however severly emotionally disturbed and I am in a way glad to not be with her. I will always love her though.