depressed beyond belief

[jeff2321]

I swear going through this break up after 3 years and having NC has been the hardest thing I've done in my entire life. Here I was supposed to be getting married this year and possibly having kids and I'm suddenly back to being a single guy. I just turned 30 and all my future hopes and dreams have been just shattered by an instant. I wish I could blame her for all of it but in reality most of it is my fault.

 

I'm so depressed and I miss her so much that is hurts so bad. I really don't know how in the hell I'm going to get over this or even start dating someone else again.

 

I'm breaking down again and completely engulfed in regret for not doing enough right and not treating her right.

 

I start a new job on Monday and I have no ****ing idea how I'm going to be in a good enough mental state to even be functional. My life is doomed.

 

Depressed off my a$$,

 

Jeff

[Fouts]

Well, it's normal feelings that everyone has when a relationship ends, regardless of who ends it. Sometimes even when you know the relationship needed to end, it's still incredibly painful.

 

Take it a day at a time and try to keep yourself busy, network and meet some new people.

[dragonwave]

I swear going through this break up after 3 years and having NC has been the hardest thing I've done in my entire life. Jeff

 

 

Jeff - Man, I feel your pain and we have all walked these trails. But 3 years after a break up with NC, you are depressed and perhaps becoming obsessive about your break up and regrets. All those regrets is becoming anger turned inwards and keeping you stuck from moving forward at any capacity. I strongly encourage you to seek some counselling. 3 years without seeing or hearing from her, all you are doing is replaying the sceanrios over and over in your mind -- not mentally healthy. Pls seek some help to help you put the relationship, its ending, your respective roles in the "right" perspective. This is no way to live and I suspect you no longer want to live like this. Trust me, you need to deal with the before even thinking, let alone date someone else. Cause if you don't it will come back to bite you in the ass and plus you will hurt someone else in the process. not cool! Keep posting, we are here for you but its time to seek some professional support to deal and address these issues of not being able to let go.

[YSS]

Jeff - this is a long time to be stuck and in this amount of pain. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. It may not feel like that, but it really is the truth.

 

I think Dragonwave offers sound advice to seek some counselling. It might be worthwhile to look at things from a different perspective. The past doesn't exist except as a memory, a mental storty adn though past events aren't changeable, your stories about them are. Perhaps all this rumination is keeping you stuck and fuels the regrets you have.

 

If you learn nothing from heartbreak, you'll keep repeating teh same old painful experiences in one bad relationship after another. If you refuse to love at all, you will guarantee isolation and pain, rather than preventing them.

 

The past is gone, she is gone, only you can decide what kind of future you want. Right now, maybe you cannot make that determination of how you want your tomorrows to look on your own and some support to help you see things differently would be helpful. Good luck to you.

[PhantomJC]

Hi Jeff,

 

Anytime we breakup there is some amount of pain that goes along with it. You know that. Anytime we are in pain we typically make the error of thinking about what is causing the pain over and over again thereby triggering such pain over and over again in our life.

 

As others have suggested, you are young and have a long and what can be healthy life before you. Counseling, again as suggested, may be something you will need to look into.

 

" I just turned 30 and all my future hopes and dreams have been just shattered by an instant. I wish I could blame her for all of it but in reality most of it is my fault"

 

In making a statement like this, you are leaving yourself powerless. Why not say "I just turned 30 and have my whole life before me?" Or "I just turned 30 and have more opportunities than ever to find the girl that's right for me?"

 

The way you get over a breakup and start dating again is by just doing it. Depression is a result of stagnation. It's a result of being inactive and too "into our mind." If you're not already doing some type of physical exercise program, it would probably be good for you in addition to the counseling. Likewise, any date right now is better than sitting at home whining, moaning, and complaining about what has been. As someone else suggested, what was is no more... but what can be is totally in your hands to shape as you desire.

 

 

I'm so depressed and I miss her so much that is hurts so bad. I really don't know how in the hell I'm going to get over this or even start dating someone else again.

 

I'm breaking down again and completely engulfed in regret for not doing enough right and not treating her right.

 

The new job will be good for you. It will allow you a chance to focus your mind somewhere else and potentially bring some new people into your life that, if you play your cards right, may be helpful to you.

 

To get into a good mental state requires focusing on something you enjoy as opposed to something you do not enjoy. Forgiveness is the other coin to that.... but that's another post all together.

 

I start a new job on Monday and I have no ****ing idea how I'm going to be in a good enough mental state to even be functional. My life is doomed.

 

Come on man, you can do this....... life isn't doomed for you yet, it's just currently in a dark tunnel that you need to come out the end of it.

[Don Ho]

Here I was supposed to be getting married this year and possibly having kids and I'm suddenly back to being a single guy. I just turned 30 and all my future hopes and dreams have been just shattered by an instant.

 

I'm breaking down again and completely engulfed in regret for not doing enough right and not treating her right.

 

I start a new job on Monday and I have no ****ing idea how I'm going to be in a good enough mental state to even be functional. My life is doomed.

 

Bro, I sympathize with you. Here's the deal: your future hopes and dreams have not been shattered in an instant. When you think like that, you only support your depression further. I know that in your current state of mind it's difficult for you to understand, but she is not the only "One" you will ever love or have a life with. Bro, you're 30 years old. You have your whole life to get married, have kids and fulfill that hope and dream. As much pain and anguish as you're in, you will find another equally or maybe even more wonderful woman. I think trying to change your perspective that your dreams have been shattered might help. Your life is not doomed, that's just the depression talking.

 

Your job: I'll tell you how, you're going to immerse yourself in it and be very busy. Plus Bro, you can't afford, financially or mentally, to be jobless. Don't fck up your life by not doing your job. You're going to do your job well because you HAVE to. I know, easy said, easy done. If you were in Iraq right now as a soldier with bullets flying around, you would HAVE to function or you (or your fellow buddies) would be maimed or dead. You have no choice but to just do your job. Good luck, keep us posted.

[leftfield]

I felt like this too mate, I found it incredibly soul destroying to be single again (plus I'm a few years older than you) and to have to deal with the pain of losing the person you love. It's a truly awful feeling, but trust me there are lots of people on here that know what you're going through.

 

I've just started a new job last week, and I must admit I was thinking the same thing you are right now "How am I going to cope", but you know what, you just will. If anything, it might actually give you some relief from the pain of thinking about her for a few hours because when you start a new job, meet new people and learn new things, your brain just can't cope with anything else, so something has to give. The job will do you good, best of luck with it and keep posting if it helps to get it out. We're listening.

[KraftDinner]

I'm not reading this as the OP going NC for 3 years... I'm reading this as the OP ending a 3 year relationship and going NC. Is this correct or are the PPs reading it correctly?

[1/2moon]

It might be worthwhile to look at things from a different perspective. The past doesn't exist except as a memory, a mental storty adn though past events aren't changeable, your stories about them are. Perhaps all this rumination is keeping you stuck and fuels the regrets you have.

 

If you learn nothing from heartbreak, you'll keep repeating teh same old painful experiences in one bad relationship after another. If you refuse to love at all, you will guarantee isolation and pain, rather than preventing them. The past is gone, she is gone, only you can decide what kind of future you want. QUOTE]

 

YSS has offered some very insightful advice (must say YSS your insights have been very introspective and wise that I have read on various threads in this forum). Jeff, your coping mechanism for this break up needs to be changed. Rumination of what you have lost and your regrets which I suspect is blame your are imposing on yourself for the relationship's ending perhaps has contributed directly to your depression. Counselling will help in introducing you support to lift you from this dark place you have been for years and offer some new coping methods. have you spoken to your family doctor about the depression? The way we cope with disappointments in our lives is all we can really control when **** happens to us. Rumination is not coping, it merely keep you stuck.

 

You are young, like someone else wrote, all that you dreamed of ...marriage, kids, etc....its still there for you. There is no reason why you cannot have all that and more. You can't see it from where you are sitting, but we can with objective eyes.

 

Please help yourself to move pass this. Time to move forward...you deserve to have love and feel appreciated. Keep posting......

[IfiKnewThen]

just read your post jeff. and my G-d i can reallly relate to the regrets. i know like over 95% of it was my fault and that hurts worse than anything. it's easier if you feel you can live with yourself. i never wanted to give him this bad image of me. and there was never a person i was ever with that ended up feeling like this with me or had to break up with me. i always heard good things about myself and knew i always put my best into it. but i was under so so much stress during this relationship. and sadly i took things out on him. i should have never taken advantage of his good soul and nature. i dont even see this as lesson learned. of course i learned a lesson. but this is so painful and to now be able to take that lesson and apply it to good and do it over with THEM is freaking aweful. it makes healing harder in my opinion. but i am turning to God for strength and help and hoping someday he will think of me more in gladness and love. if you have a remote chance of making it up to her if you feel you did something wrong...why not try that. ? maybe as a friend ? or show her not tell her, that you changed? is that remotely possible?

[silic0ntoad]

Starting a new job, eh?

 

Maybe you'll find some little cuties in the office. I'm sure a nice after-hours party will end this pining

[bonpaw2008]

Starting a new job, eh?

 

Maybe you'll find some little cuties in the office. I'm sure a nice after-hours party will end this pining

 

DON'T DATE people you work with Go out with them and meet their cute friends