i am SO depressed!!!!!!!!

[IfiKnewThen]

i am so depressed i don't know what to do anymore. he ended it with me without even giving it any warning near 4 months ago. we were long distance. but still..

 

we were together for 10 years and saw each other a lot.

 

bottom line..he set himself up where he wouldn't have to feel any discomfort and psyched himself b/4 the break up of to not love me, but still continue to tell me he loved me. he has PA in his personality and kept everything he felt inside . and acted like he was happy but really held his anger and resentment in. he didnt try to work anything out with me. he just hung in there giving me the impression he was ok. he convinced me he would be with me and move to me...and lied and lied until he got brave enough to end it....by just calling less and being cold. he also

 

i think started talking to another woman, which he now is talking to daily. i am sorry i am just rambling on. my story can be found in old threads. bottom line is he was my best friend. i know that sounds contrary to what i just said about him. but i am disabled and lonely and parents are dead and friends moved away and i am older...and older that he was....and he was there for everything in the last 10 years , including helping my mom b/4 she died. he helped me and my daughter when she was having trouble in college....he came here when i had a flood and he put things in storage...on and on and on it goes. he was perfect. seriously. but i was irritable with my disability and stress and forgot to be the demonstrative loving person i always was when we first met. at first he said lets be friends. and i am the ONLY one who has really been a friend and tried to keep the lines of communcation open. i cry day and night missing him. i hate the phone not ringing at all when it used to ring 30 times a day...and i hate not watching tv with him and seeing his face on cam. and i hate not planning a future with him and hearing his sweet voice. i hate having nothing to look forward to . i feel dead inside. i cant imagine life like this. i hate everyday i wake up to just about and cant wait to go to sleep. i am dead but i am alive. all i want to do is call him , my best friend who used to help me figure out every situation and say ....his name and say please help me get through this and figure this out. i tried to show i was strong, happy and changed. all he did was say why were you like this when you were with me? then i tried to appeal to him other ways. nothing worked. not even no contact OR whatever... thats when you no you have trouble..when nothing seems to work. he said i gave you 10 years and i cant be your friend (even though i asked for like 1/2 hour a week of play a game or watch tv. he said i never talked to anyone when i was with you (yeah right in the end he DID) and i am giving her now what i gave you. he sounds so bitter and adamant. and when he is not, all he can say is i am sorry. i wish God would take me. i am sorry i am so depressed. and i cant take pills b/c of how they contraindicate my disability and i cant talk to a shrink. had a bad experience with one years ago and i refuse to. either way...they cant mend my broken heart of take this man out of my head and thoughts. i wish i could do a labodomy to stop my brain for remembering.

 

he visited me here all the time since i couldnt travel and my house and neighborhood is haunted with thoughts of him all around me. i don't know what to do. i am falling apart here.

 

i dont even know if this will make sense i can barely type. so darn sad and grief stricken. all i want is for him to be my friend again and recognizable and to talk once and awhile more than we do and watch tv. something. about to cry so hard here and its making my condition with my disability worse. i am praying he will become some sort of a real friend again...

 

and have mercy on me... and no i dont beak down and cry or am pathetic to me. i dont do that i know better. but i am about to bust. and cry my heart out. i love him more than i ever loved anyone and i became soooooooooo soooooo attached to him

[IfiKnewThen]

i meant i dont break down i front of him or sound pathetic. but i am about to . i cant handle this i dont know how to stop feeling hurt , pain and missing him beyond anything. i lived thru death of each parent and things with my child, and all kinds of stuff. but nothing ...nothing compairs to this grief. its like 100 deaths of loved one. this hurts too bad. i dont want a life like this

[desertIslandCactus]

Hello IfIknewthen;

 

I am so sorry for your misery. When my husband left me I had become so cloistered within the marriage - that I had felt like a vegetable at the breakup..

 

You know you cannot change someone's heart. But I think these breakups definitely make us stronger.

 

I became a lot stronger - and a whole woman.

 

From what I received - and from what family members told me - he did regret the divorce before he died .. But the bottom line is: We come into this world by ourselves - and I do think that God has good things for us.

 

Hang in there ... there will be joy in the morning..

[skydiveaddict]

all i want is for him to be my friend again and recognizable and to talk once and awhile more than we do and watch tv. something.

 

 

So you just want to be his friend again? So he can tell you all about his new gf? And his new life without you? And how you are no longer the most important thing in his life? Are you sure that's what you want? If so, get set for more misery than you can imagine.

Edited September 24, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[IfiKnewThen]

thank you all 3 of you for your replies and kindness. brought me to tears to know others care. this is the worst i felt felt yet. because its the realization of everything he told me today. and 4 months feels like day 1 but i had more hope back then.

 

BiAxident- yes, i am more isolated due to my physical disability. thank you for appreciating that. i sometimes say thank God i don't work because i would have been terminated. i am limp with grief and i can barely concentrate . i feel frozen. and yet if i were working, perhaps that would keep me busier and friends could be uplifting. i try to look at the good side of it. but if i didnt have this darn thing i could have hopped on a plane and perhaps saved this relationship and i should have risked it all and ran down there when i had a chance to. i am dying inside for not having done that. and i couldnt get him up here. but he said you can come. knowing how hard that would be for me. ug. but today he told me no more now. circumstances have changed since he told me that . and yes, thank God for the internet to talk here. and yet that's how he met her. double edge sword huh? but yes...you are so right and God bless you for your insight. i do watch tv but have to stay away from "our" shows now...it hurts too much. and i loathe love stories. i wish i could fast forward to 80 something years old and be on my way out to not grieve anymore or feel the pain. thank you for caring. hugs

 

Desertislandcatus- i am speechless and so sorry for your all your losses and his loss. hugs. you sound like a very strong lady. praise be to God. i cant imagine what you have gone through. i am almost stoic. God gave me good in my guy and thats why the loss is so great. i just wish he would return to me in some measure. i wish i could give back what he gave. but together. not by saying...."go have a great time with her". i am not that strong.

 

skydiveaddict- youre right. i dont want to hear stories about them/her. thats a good point. i told him i cant hear about her yet. but crazy at this sounds...if there could be ...i almost want to say 'brotherly love", i wish for anything..but this indifference and stranger.

 

hugs to you all

[dbmystinkbug]

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to jump on a plane and meeting him on his turf and saving the relationship. It wouldn't have happened; you said yourself that he had lots of time to bottle up his feelings, to mull over what he was planning to do until he finally had the courage to say something. It's very doubtful that you could have changed his mind.

 

These things take time, and from what I've been able to tell the healing process takes far longer than we ever imagined. Just because he says he can't be friends now, that doesn't necessarily mean he never thinks of you. After ten years with someone that would be very difficult to do. And the more you focus on doing what YOU need to do to heal, i.e., taking care of your health, filling your time with positive activities as others have mentioned, etc., the more likely it is that eventually he'll start to wonder what you're doing. At that point he may decide that he wants to contact you and perhaps even try to be friends. And if he never does, the care you've taken to look after your own needs, plus the magic of time passing, will still benefit you. There will eventually be a time when you can think of him without hurting, watch the old shows that you used to watch as a couple, and even find love with someone else. This WILL pass.

 

My heart goes out to you because I can tell from reading your post just how much you're hurting. Unfortunately there's no magic bullet...sometimes there's nothing we can do but let time do the healing.

[Am4Real]

 

i am so depressed i don't know what to do anymore. he ended it with me without even giving it any warning near 4 months ago. we were long distance. but still..

 

we were together for 10 years and saw each other a lot.

 

 

 

Dear If,

 

Ten years of long distance?

 

I'm surprised none of the other posters asked you this: during the last eight years where did you think this relationship was headed and how were you both going to find a happy place?

 

In all this time did you ever talk about the "end game" and where your lives might become one (as in the same location)?

 

I notice you said you are disabled -- may I ask if you ever visitied him at his home in PA? Something doesn't sound right to me with his life? How would you know he has not been dating for some time or is even married. If either are a possibility then it is also plausible he simply became tired of living multiple lives?

 

I wish not to offend you. The story line is not making sense to me and felt a few tough questions are warranted.

 

Am4Real

Edited September 24, 2010 by Am4Real

[desertIslandCactus]

IfIKnewThen,

 

These may seem like empty words right now, but I've been there.:

 

Do whatever you can to enhance your life in a positive manner of going forward. It could be looking into craft projects or online classes. You may even stumble across a job you can do out of your home.

 

Don't give yourself Any blame in this - about what if I would have flown there, etc.. Men are very basic - and are with whom they want to be with .. And Everything is just for the moment .. and may not be forever.

 

Continue to be close with your daughter in communication and doing things together.

 

... and lastly, You made me laugh when you said you now loathe love stories .. I don't remember ever getting to that point .. ha ha

[IfiKnewThen]

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to jump on a plane and meeting him on his turf and saving the relationship. It wouldn't have happened; you said yourself that he had lots of time to bottle up his feelings, to mull over what he was planning to do until he finally had the courage to say something. It's very doubtful that you could have changed his mind.

 

These things take time, and from what I've been able to tell the healing process takes far longer than we ever imagined. Just because he says he can't be friends now, that doesn't necessarily mean he never thinks of you. After ten years with someone that would be very difficult to do. And the more you focus on doing what YOU need to do to heal, i.e., taking care of your health, filling your time with positive activities as others have mentioned, etc., the more likely it is that eventually he'll start to wonder what you're doing. At that point he may decide that he wants to contact you and perhaps even try to be friends. And if he never does, the care you've taken to look after your own needs, plus the magic of time passing, will still benefit you. There will eventually be a time when you can think of him without hurting, watch the old shows that you used to watch as a couple, and even find love with someone else. This WILL pass.

 

My heart goes out to you because I can tell from reading your post just how much you're hurting. Unfortunately there's no magic bullet...sometimes there's nothing we can do but let time do the healing.

 

thank u. i do beat myself up about that plane trip because i feel he would have had a true change of heart. saw i was sincere and made that extreme effort. but he hit me with the words " i met someone and we hti it off real good" and it just hurt like hell. but she was also long distance so i shouldnt have let it get to me and been on that plane to him and he would have known..what he really had in my love. i got discouraged and scared to risk then with my disability and health. i feel like an idiot. but your words are comfortaing and reassuring. i need to believe it wouldnt have made a difference. but thats the thing of not trying something all the way. we will always wonder...what if. thats why i recommend. do all you can , exhuast all efforts..then you can say you did all you could with peace .

 

i am trying to take care as best as i can..health etc. but i have had set backs and such from pushing hard to do more to get my mind off of him. its horrible. gald i did things and not sat around...but...my mind goes where i go ..and thoughts are consuming. so difficult. its people like you who write and care..that i thank God for and will have to listen to more. i just want to irradicate the memories and beliefs i had and wishes.....and find joy again. i dont like what i did and kick myself. i really need prayers more now then ever. nothing ever felt like this much of a loss before. i didnt realize how valuable his love was and kept me going. i should have respected it more. feel like such a sorry sole for not doing that. i am old enough to know better too and wise enough. i let my emotions run a muck when i was stressed out and let bad habits in behavoir really take over. he tried so hard to give me better days. i dont know what to do. the grief is overwhelming from the loss. and knowing i didnt make him happy. omg. so hard to deal with and live with myself. thank you for responding. hugs