I'm not in love with my husband, and feel trapped in my marriage

[Jill Annette]

I NEED HELP!! I'm very confused. I have been married for almost 14 years and we have two children. My husband is a controller, and I have never felt comfortable being totally honest with him. I say and do things to keep him happy. When I do or say something he doesn't agree with, he ends up convincing me otherwise. He has always controlled our finances, keeping savings accounts and such locked up. I , in turn, was dishonest with him and have taken money out of accounts without telling him. We are both educated-he makes $60,000 a year and I make $34,000. He is 5 years older than i am, and has alwys been like the "parent" figure in our relationship. He doesn't trust me, and did not approve of me wanting to do things outside of the home with friends.

 

Four weeks ago, I said I couldn't take it anymore and I left. I was taking control of the situation. I have left before, and he convinced me to come back. He said he would change. Anyway, I'm back again. He seems serious this time and we're going to counceling.

 

During the time I was gone, my children "hated" me, and this was totally devastating to me. Also, I had spent time with a former lover, someone that I have always had such deep feelings for. I still do, but I live in a small town and have a job where I see community members a lot. We both grew up in this town also, so he has many friends in this community. I decided that I was obligated to give my marriage a chance, so I am trying, because it is the socially "correct" thing to do. My problem right now, is that we're trying to be totally honest with each other, something I struggle with. He is so very much in love with me, is bending over backwards for me, and treating me like I'm the Queen. He is so happy now!! But in the back of my head, and can't stop thinking about someone else who I truly LOVE! My husband says I give him goosebumps-I get my goosebumps from someone else. But I just feel so wrong in ending my marriage because of the hurt it will cause him and my children, and what others will say. He knows I have spent time with another man, but he doesn't know that we've been intimate. He asked me if we were, and I said "no".

 

I'm torn and don't know what to do!!!!! Can anyone help??

[SoleMate]

I would suggest that your most immediate need is to decide whether to 1) fix your marriage, or 2) end your marriage.

 

If you choose "fixing your marriage", go all out. Anything else is a waste of time. Counselling and all the rest, to deal with the control and lack of trust. And do not talk to or see the OM. Try http://www.marriagebuilders.com, but you will also need professional counselling to get the two of you out of your behavior patterns.

[meanon]

I've seen cases where it is possible to rebuild love in a marriage but it's hard and you have to really want it - for yourself not just for your kids or to satisfy social expectation. The reaction of the kids is not uncommon and would settle in time but they would suffer to some extent from a divorce. How much they would suffer in an bad marriage is open to debate, much of the research is split but I think it seems to boil down to the degree of visible conflict in a marriage. If there is visible conflict a divorce is better for kids, if not they seem relatively unaffected by a bad marriage. You need to make a decision which best balances everyone's interests, including your own. Don't automatically sacrifice yourself because that seems the "right" thing to do.

 

If you can't make a decision now you could use the counselling to help you determine your next steps. Your feelings for him may change as you see changes in him. To give this a fair chance you will need to cut all contact with the other man. If there is no change in your feelings towards your husband you should give serious consideration to leaving. You don't say how old your children are but it is not wise to completely sacrifice personal happiness indefinitely and you may in the long run do your family greater damage if you attempt this.

[fancypants]

My advice to you is to leave him. I was married for only two years, but I was so unhappy. I left him a few times, just to come crawling back when he said he would be different. Follow your heart! You sound like you have great job..good income. You can make it on your own. Life is to short to be unhappy. Remember this is your life we are talking about. Do you want to be unhappy for the rest f it. Yeah he might be acting different right now, but he will go back to his old ways. Don;t worry about the people in your community it is non of their business. When i was deciding to leave my Husbadn i was all worried about what my friends, family and co-workers would think, and threw it all they have been very supportive of it all. So go with your gut instict. You should not have to lie to your husband marriges are supposed to be honest. Not controlling. So i hope some of the helped.

 

BTW the worst part is initiating the divorce and going to a lawyer. Good Luck!