isdn00789 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I'm 21 years old, and at this point I've only had three different girlfriends. The first one was really not serious. I was just kind of 'trying things out.' She broke up with me, but I would have broken up with her before much longer, I think. Recently this girl has decided she wants me back. She's been sending me messages about how she misses me, telling me we need to hang out again. The second girl was more serious. She left her boyfriend to date me, and then after about 2-3 months decided to leave me for him again. In the long run she ended up dating, marrying, and having a baby with another guy (not the ex she left me for). Several weeks ago, she called me with the same story as girl #1, making sure I knew she was getting a divorce. As infatuated with these two girls as I was at one point in time, I definitely do not want either one of them back. I'm happy to be friends with them, but nothing more. It's uncomfortable for me to deal with the situation of them wanting me back. The third girl I still think about far too often considering we only dated for about 2 months, 3 years ago. I really liked her, but what really bothers me is the way things ended between us. Without going into all the details: I apparently asked her out about 1 week after she broke up with her ex boyfriend. She dated me for a while, we had a great times. Then, at Thanksgiving, she told me she couldn't do anything with me because she was doing stuff with her family. I called on Thanksgiving to say hello. It turns out she went to her ex boyfriend's Thanksgiving dinner. From that point forward she decided it was inappropriate for me to call her since she was with her old boyfriend again. She said we'd still do stuff together, but she wanted to call me. I wrote one letter (with some emotion in it, but nothing mean) and she called me and essentially told me never to bother her again. For the most part, I did that. She said she doesn't hate me, but even years later I feel crappy about how things ended up. I'd date her again, but I'd never ask. All I want is to be on speaking terms. So... on to the point of this thread: I still have girl #3's phone number. Its been a good 2 years since I contacted her in any way. Would it be a completely ****ty thing for me to call her sometime and try to resolve this issue I have?
Angel1111 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 It wouldn't be s****ty, but it would most likely be a huge disappointment. The reason I say that is because, first of all, if this girl has a lick of sense, then she has thought about this situation over the years and realized that she was the jerky one for lying to you about Thanksgiving, for seeing her ex while she was dating you, and then giving you that condescending remark about how it wasn't appropriate for you to call her while she was with him. Give me a break. If I were you, I'd leave things as they are. They ended badly because it's a relationship that wasn't going to work - that's why it ended. You do understand what a crappy thing she did to you, right? You do understand that her actions were pre-meditated and she did this knowingly. Pretty heartless, if you ask me. If you contact her, you'll probably just get a cold response and end up feeling stupid all over again. As much as you might've felt a connection with her, this isn't the person for you. There's someone else out there who has better morals and ethics than she did, who will appreciate you for who you are.
Author isdn00789 Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 If I were you, I'd leave things as they are. They ended badly because it's a relationship that wasn't going to work - that's why it ended. You do understand what a crappy thing she did to you, right? You do understand that her actions were pre-meditated and she did this knowingly. Pretty heartless, if you ask me. You're right, it is probably best to just leave things be. I have no real interest in dating her anymore because of what she did, I'd just like to know she'd forgiven me. I guess it doesn't really matter though. I know there is someone else out there, some where, but I wish they would hurry up and appear. My mom, my best friend, and his girlfriend are constantly giving me (playful) crap about not having a girlfriend, but it bothers me more than they realize. Sometimes they suggest setting me up on dates, and as much as I'd like to accept, I turn them down. I just can't seem to speak my mind. I'm shy, so that makes things hard, but on top of that I rarely find a girl I'm even remotely interested in which makes it next to impossible for me to find someone. Maybe I'm too picky, but unfortunately I am the way I am. At any rate, I'm just extremely lonely and really need some companionship, but right now it seems hopeless that I'll meet anyone. My life mostly consists of working, and by the time I'm off work, I'm so depressed that I don't feel like doing anything. Aside from work, I spend 95%+ of my time alone. I don't know what to do, but something has to change, and soon.
Angel1111 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I'm trying to figure out what on earth you think she needs to forgive you for. She's the one who should be asking for forgiveness. You didn't do anything except write a letter. She drove you to that point, she cheated on you and lied. I think you're missing the whole point about who did what in this situation. I'm surprised to hear about someone 21 yrs old being lonely. Did you go to college? Are there people who are your age at work? Do they like to go out after work? You know, sometimes when a person is shy, other people may think that you don't like them. You may need to try to get past your shyness a little and start talking to people. Also, why not take up people on their offers to fix you up with someone? That's usually an excellent way to meet people because your friends and family know better than anyone who you might click with. My 20 yr old son also says that he's very picky, so I understand where you're coming from. But that's actually a good thing because you're much more particular about who you're with. Look at all the people who are dating but are so mismatched. You don't want that. But even when you do get a girlfriend, you know you need more outlets than that for friendship and companionship, right? See if you can make friends with some guys, too. Even if it's through maybe cousins who are your age - no doubt that hang out with friends. There has to be someone that you can start doing things with....?
Author isdn00789 Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 I'm trying to figure out what on earth you think she needs to forgive you for. She's the one who should be asking for forgiveness. You didn't do anything except write a letter. She drove you to that point, she cheated on you and lied. I think you're missing the whole point about who did what in this situation. I guess it does sound pretty ridiculous when you put it that way. Basically it just bothers me that there is someone out there who dislikes me to the point that they won't even talk to me (at least a few years ago). I have gone to college (since I was 16), and in fact I still take classes, but I'm a loner there just as I am everywhere else. There are two people around my age at work (I also went to school with them), but I don't really fit in very well with them (or most people my age, for that matter). If they go out, I've never been invited. I feel invisible most of the time. All throughout my 5 full years in college I have never been invited to a single party. One of the main problem is that I just don't enjoy the activities that most 21 year olds enjoy. Most notably, I don't drink and that seems to be the activity of choice for most people my age. Truthfully, I hardly enjoy anything anymore... I honestly can't even tell you what it means to me to have fun. The best it ever gets anymore is a brief distraction from the sadness I feel from day to day. I know that shyness can come across as dislike, or being "stuck up," but it seems impossibly hard for me to overcome. I try harder than anyone would believe, but most of the time I'm not successful. I'm pretty good at subduing my shyness when others talk to me first, but when it comes to talking to someone because I want to, I just freeze. I get over it (at least a little bit) after I've known someone for a while, but I rarely meet anyone new because of my shyness. Even at work when I NEED to ask questions to get something done, it is a battle every single time. I'm not as productive as I should or could be, and that stresses me out further, making everything worse. I'm constantly anxious and feeling paranoid that I'm going to end up loosing this job, but at the same time, I'd love to be done with it. I don't know why I haven't accepted their offers to fix me up with someone. I think it is mostly because I'm afraid I won't be interested in the person they set me up with and that I'll end up looking like a shallow jerk. This happened once already, and I felt awful. I hate disappointing people. I realize that a having a girlfriend won't magically solve all my problems. For all I know, nothing may change. All I know is that the longest periods of happiness I can ever remember having are when I've been in a relationship with someone. It's likely to do more to the extra confidence I feel than anything else, but that's beside the point. I felt good about myself more often than not, and I'd like to feel that way again. ( I have tried medicines, by the way... None have ever worked. I've tried at least 5 different ones.) Thanks for your concern.
Am4Real Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 ISDN00789, I understand your questions and have followed the developing threads. A couple of questions/comments/suggestions: What is relevance of girl #1 and girl #2 with your current issue/concern/question? After three years of being away from girl #3 do you really think she cares about the past – she doesn’t! If you’re having troubles with your shyness try enrolling in a public speaking class. It’s a great way to build your confidence in talking with and at strangers. It also helps you think “on the fly”. Re-read bullet three. Work on your speaking skills. Get out there and meet some new girls. You’re twenty-one and all of life is in front of you my friend. You sound like a good guy…so get started on an action plan tomorrow. Best wishes.
Fruitpunch Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Couple of points here. Firstly those two girls that ended getting back in contact with you. I think i have had a second chance with all my exes whehter it was 6 months later or 6 years, somehow it always comes around. But not when you want it to , its always when you are over it and have moved on. So if you want your ex back, move on. If you are lonely dude i really recommend going and buying The Game by Neil Strauss. Its about a 30 yr old virgin who became the best pick up artist in the world by studying the psychology of women. I do bits of pick up and wherever i go in the world there are forums of people who also do it and we meet up and go out and meet women. I have made some great friends and been with some awesome women off the back of it.
Angel1111 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I think Am4Real's suggestion about joining a public speaking class is a great one. You seem to have very low self-esteem for some reason and that would be a great way to pull yourself out of it. I don't think you're really shy by nature, I think you have a low opinion of yourself, or you have a lot of fear. Maybe that's what shyness is, I don't know. If you believe in yourself, if you're pumped up about life, then you can't help but speak up around people. Just a simple hello to others makes a big difference. Do you think that you just don't have anything to offer, or are you just disinterested in life? If it's life that's boring you, then do something to wake yourself the hell up - like go skydiving or something; or skiing, whatever. Engage in life because right now, you're just a bystander. You seem to be close to your family. I mean, if nothing else, you can visit them when you need company. Does that help when you do that? If it bothers you that they comment on you not having a gf, then let them know that. You don't have to make a big announcement but just say something to let them know that it bugs you. Once you speak up, you might be amazed at what your family has to say or offer you. Again, if you have cousins, or maybe an uncle that you admire, then hang out with him sometime. I totally get that there are a lot of people who don't appeal to you or who you just don't click with, but try not to get into the habit of cutting yourself off socially from others just because people drink and you don't. Just have a lime and tonic, mingle, and have some fun. If you're more interested in intellectual people, then seek them out through groups. I think you're going to need to be pro-active about this because people aren't going to land at your feet and gf's aren't going to appear out of the blue. I believe you can do it and I think you'll be much happier once you do. If I were you, I'd start with the public speaking group and then expand on it from there.
Author isdn00789 Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 What is relevance of girl #1 and girl #2 with your current issue/concern/question? Well, the only real relevance is that they've both contacted me within the last couple months (one of them actually just left my house). Basically, their contacting me kind of spurred on this idea of contacting the girl #3 again. After three years of being away from girl #3 do you really think she cares about the past – she doesn’t! I realize you're probably right about that, but some people are very stubborn. Even if she isn't still mad/upset about whatever she was mad/upset about, she definitely would still remember what happened, and I think there is a descent chance she wouldn't be willing to admit to herself (and definitely not me) that she was not very nice, and that I really did nothing wrong. Judging from her personality, and the way she acted in this situation, I think she'd likely elect to continue acting angry even if she wasn't. If you’re having troubles with your shyness try enrolling in a public speaking class. It’s a great way to build your confidence in talking with and at strangers. It also helps you think “on the fly”. I've actually done this (it was required coursework). I admit it did help, but mostly just in the public speaking situations. I was also the president of a student organization for a year, and spoke to people there as well. The result is I'm not that bad at speaking to groups anymore. The problem is, I still suck at speaking in cases where my speaking isn't mandatory or, at the very least, expected. It's actually not that uncommon for people to be shy 'off-stage' and ok 'on-stage.' It is, however, extremely frustrating. I realize the only way to get over this is to push myself to do it, but it is next to impossible for me. I need someone to push me along, but I don't really know anyone who is both capable and willing to do so. You sound like a good guy…so get started on an action plan tomorrow. Best wishes. Thanks. I definitely have to get started as soon as possible. I actually went to the doctor yesterday to get a referral for some counseling. Now I just have to find a time that doesn't conflict with work/school. Couple of points here. Firstly those two girls that ended getting back in contact with you. I think i have had a second chance with all my exes whehter it was 6 months later or 6 years, somehow it always comes around. But not when you want it to , its always when you are over it and have moved on. So if you want your ex back, move on. Thanks, I'll keep that mind. I don't necessarily even want her back though, I'd just like to have the same 'friend' type relationship I have with my other ex's. Basically, I'd just like to be able to call her and ask her if she'd like to go play racquetball like we used to. If you are lonely dude i really recommend going and buying The Game by Neil Strauss. Its about a 30 yr old virgin who became the best pick up artist in the world by studying the psychology of women. I'll at least look into it. Thanks for the information. You seem to have very low self-esteem for some reason and that would be a great way to pull yourself out of it. I don't think you're really shy by nature, I think you have a low opinion of yourself, or you have a lot of fear. Maybe that's what shyness is, I don't know. If you believe in yourself, if you're pumped up about life, then you can't help but speak up around people. Just a simple hello to others makes a big difference. Everything you said is very true. I try very hard to just force out a hello sometimes, but for some reason it just never seems like an opportune time. And what comes after hello? I never know what to say and then I just stand there feeling awkward. =/ Do you think that you just don't have anything to offer, or are you just disinterested in life? If it's life that's boring you, then do something to wake yourself the hell up - like go skydiving or something; or skiing, whatever. Engage in life because right now, you're just a bystander. Some times I whole heartedly believe I have nothing to offer. Most of the time, I just feel disinterested and bored. I go mountain biking every chance I get (I'll actually be racing this Sunday). I always feel better when I get to ride, but I just don't have time or a place to do it during the week. Skydiving is definitely of no interest to me, but I understand what you're getting at... You seem to be close to your family. I mean, if nothing else, you can visit them when you need company. Does that help when you do that? If it bothers you that they comment on you not having a gf, then let them know that. You don't have to make a big announcement but just say something to let them know that it bugs you. Once you speak up, you might be amazed at what your family has to say or offer you. Again, if you have cousins, or maybe an uncle that you admire, then hang out with him sometime. I am close to my family, but mostly my mom. She struggled with depression as well, and so pretty much anytime I bring up my issues with her she just gets really depressed because I'm depressed, and the situation just gets worse and worse. You're right about the girlfriend thing though... I either need to let them fix me up, or say something about it. I totally get that there are a lot of people who don't appeal to you or who you just don't click with, but try not to get into the habit of cutting yourself off socially from others just because people drink and you don't. Just have a lime and tonic, mingle, and have some fun. Unfortunately it's not really me excluding myself from them. People know I don't drink, and they either don't want me going because of that or assume I wouldn't want to go. At any rate, they never invite me and I'm really not good at inviting myself along (not to mention, I have no idea when/where people are going so I don't really have much of a way to do that). If you're more interested in intellectual people, then seek them out through groups. I think you're going to need to be pro-active about this because people aren't going to land at your feet and gf's aren't going to appear out of the blue. I believe you can do it and I think you'll be much happier once you do. I know you're right, and I am trying. I'm feeling better than I was when I wrote the originally post, but I'm still very stressed out. The biggest problem is I just don't know where to go to meet people.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Personally after 3 years you could be forgotten etc. It's not a bad thing but what I mean you are no longer on her mind. You seem like you could face rejection of a relationship but if all you want is to be friends I say make the call. I don't think you have anything to lose unless rejection to friends or a relationship would effect you for longterm. Seeing as you haven't reinvested in a relationship the worst you can get is no to both and you are still where you left off. Plus you have 2 who seem to want you back so you can "date" to boost your ego.
Jeff M Stevens Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I'm 21 years old, and at this point I've only had three different girlfriends. Some guys have none.....so 3 isn't too shabby The first one was really not serious. I was just kind of 'trying things out.' She broke up with me, but I would have broken up with her before much longer, I think. Recently this girl has decided she wants me back. She's been sending me messages about how she misses me, telling me we need to hang out again. Sounds like this one was no big deal on either end The second girl was more serious. She left her boyfriend to date me, and then after about 2-3 months decided to leave me for him again. In the long run she ended up dating, marrying, and having a baby with another guy (not the ex she left me for). Several weeks ago, she called me with the same story as girl #1, making sure I knew she was getting a divorce. Why in the world would you get involved with her at all? Keep this in mind in the future. If they'll do it to him, they'll do it to you.There is NO WAY I'd ever get involved with a woman that left her boyfriend to be with me because I figured she'd do it to me, which she did. This girl has no integrity and its impossible to build a long term relationship with someone that has no integrity. As infatuated with these two girls as I was at one point in time, I definitely do not want either one of them back. I'm happy to be friends with them, but nothing more. It's uncomfortable for me to deal with the situation of them wanting me back. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude but I think its a waste of time to be friends with them (unless they're hooking you up with some pretty friends, LOL) The third girl I still think about far too often considering we only dated for about 2 months, 3 years ago. I really liked her, but what really bothers me is the way things ended between us. Without going into all the details: I apparently asked her out about 1 week after she broke up with her ex boyfriend. She dated me for a while, we had a great times. Then, at Thanksgiving, she told me she couldn't do anything with me because she was doing stuff with her family. I called on Thanksgiving to say hello. It turns out she went to her ex boyfriend's Thanksgiving dinner. From that point forward she decided it was inappropriate for me to call her since she was with her old boyfriend again. She said we'd still do stuff together, but she wanted to call me. I wrote one letter (with some emotion in it, but nothing mean) and she called me and essentially told me never to bother her again. For the most part, I did that. She said she doesn't hate me, but even years later I feel crappy about how things ended up. I'd date her again, but I'd never ask. All I want is to be on speaking terms. So... on to the point of this thread: I still have girl #3's phone number. Its been a good 2 years since I contacted her in any way. Would it be a completely ****ty thing for me to call her sometime and try to resolve this issue I have? Another girl with no integrity and you want her back? So, you're in a loving relationship and she goes behind your back on a holiday to get with her ex lover plus she lies about it???? On a scale of 1-10 on the "I could care less about you and your damn feelings" meter, this girl just busted the dial by scoring a 20! I'm not beating you up because you're a young guy but you aren't looking hard enough at the integrity of these girls. She threw you away like you were lunch meat that went bad and told you to never call again and yet you want her back? I think its time for you to move on and forget about this low integrity liar. Heaven help you if you ever get back with her.
Jeff M Stevens Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 By the way, you seem like a good guy. Shyness happens to a lot of guys and you might feel lonely but a lot of guys feel that way. There are a lot of guys that don't get DATES much less get girlfriends. You need to start realizing that you have a lot of worth because that's the only way you can truly bring something to a relationship. You seem like a person that is worthy, but you just need to feel that way. You obviously are attractive to women, or you wouldn't be going out and having girlfriends like you are. Your radar is just off and you're picking girls that you can't go anywhere with, simply because they have low integrity (like girls 1 and 3) or you just are not interested like girl 2. Bottom line? You are a SUPER YOUNG guy. Don't let anyone in your life tell you that its somehow wrong that you don't have a girl now. There are people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and older that haven't found someone. There are Hollywood stars that are super lonely. Finding a relationship can be tough. Just value yourself more, work on the things you can work on like being the best you can be at your career, keep your body in the best shape it can be and continue to develop yourself mentally and you will put yourself in the best position to be ready for a good lady. You need to recognize what a good lady is too. No more low integrity women. Make sure any woman you are serious with is self-reliant, kind, a giver, loyal, fun, makes you laugh and has integrity. If they don't have these qualities, then its tough. As far as being shy, if someone gave you a million to approach a woman, could you do it? Sure you could. You're putting a head trip on yourself when you consider yourself too shy because there are circumstances (like getting a cool million) where you could approach. You can improve your shyness/lack of confidence with dance classes, speech classes, acting classes, improv classes...plus you might meet women there. To meet more women, maybe get on a dating Web site, do speed dating (google it and see if its in your area), take classes you might be interested in, go to real estate seminars on buying house (lot of women there) and just get yourself out there. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result and you don't seem like a stupid guy. Get out there and try some different stuff If your shyness issues are a real problem you can't overcome on your own, talk to someone like a therapist to see if they have tips. Again....I think you have a lot to offer and you are a very young guy. You have a lot of time to find a great girl and I think if you make some shifts in the way you're thinking and approaching things and value yourself more, you'll have a better shot at getting her. Good luck man.
Jeff M Stevens Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I reversed the order....girls 2 and 3 had no integrity....you just weren't interested in girl 1. Another thing is to never take women personally. Dating is like sales. Out of 30 "leads" (girls you meet) you might get 10 numbers. Out of those 10 numbers, you might get 3 sales (actual dates). Out of those 3 dates, 2 might go nowhere and 1 ends up being the one. My point? You will have a lot of women that will not be interested, have boyfriends, not like your personality, etc and there will be frustration (as a general rule, but maybe you'll find her right away ) Do not take them personally though. Know that with each passing girl and situation that isn't right, you're learning and getting information you need for the next woman you might meet. You only need one good one and time is on your side! Just realize that in the dating scene there are a lot of frustrations but the best part is you only need 1 good girl to make your life happy. Give yourself a chance and give yourself some time.
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