Taking control back

[siuys]

I just realised something. By writing xMM off, I have regained control. I still miss him and all that, but I now feel that I am in control of my life, and that I do have choices. I no longer feel that my emotions and actions are tied to his every move, or what he decides to do or not. And whatever happens in the future, the decision will be on my terms, not his. I feel somewhat empowered, and have regained some self respect.

 

In many ways, I cannot believe I have put up with all the b.s. for so long. Yes, I love him yada yada but feelings are not enough. A relationship is a two-way street and for a long time, I felt like I was in a one-way street to hell while he was indecisive. I could have walked away sooner, but I guess there was not enough pain.

 

I know I will still feel the ups and downs, and there will still be sleepless nights when I think about him and wish this or that but I guess that is part of the territory of getting over someone.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience? And how long did it take you until you feel whole again?

[ladydesigner]

I just realised something. By writing xMM off, I have regained control. I still miss him and all that, but I now feel that I am in control of my life, and that I do have choices. I no longer feel that my emotions and actions are tied to his every move, or what he decides to do or not. And whatever happens in the future, the decision will be on my terms, not his. I feel somewhat empowered, and have regained some self respect.

 

In many ways, I cannot believe I have put up with all the b.s. for so long. Yes, I love him yada yada but feelings are not enough. A relationship is a two-way street and for a long time, I felt like I was in a one-way street to hell while he was indecisive. I could have walked away sooner, but I guess there was not enough pain.

 

I know I will still feel the ups and downs, and there will still be sleepless nights when I think about him and wish this or that but I guess that is part of the territory of getting over someone.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience? And how long did it take you until you feel whole again?

 

 

Yay:bunny::bunny: It took me 2 years. Getting the power back is empowering isn't it?

[blizzard]

Yay:bunny::bunny: It took me 2 years. Getting the power back is empowering isn't it?

 

I think I should add this one to the other positive sticky note on my fridge...YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL. Thank you Thank you!

[Confused4Now]

I know I will still feel the ups and downs, and there will still be sleepless nights when I think about him and wish this or that but I guess that is part of the territory of getting over someone.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience? And how long did it take you until you feel whole again?

This will go away in time...Those sleepless nights are over for me....I'm in a much better place again. My friends have even said I'm starting to get my swagger back again. I can tell you the A did stuff to me that made me less of a person. Well that person is gone now and the old guy is back finally.

 

Taking control back is so enlightening. Looking back I never thought I could make it. But I did....

[lilbunny]

I'm about where you are now siuys and I am getting back out into the world. I am going to have some IC to work through it, something I never imagined myself doing. I am getting back onto the dating scene, gently to start with, I'm sure someone will tell me it is a bad idea, but I've always got straight back on the horse after other break ups and I'm not going to treat this as different.

 

My boss who really isn't one for gushing or praise told me I was doing a great job today, but could tell I hadn't been myself lately. It has really motivated me to throw myself into work too.

 

I keep telling myself he isn't losing a wink of sleep over me. I don't know if this rings true for you, but it has certainly been a week of epiphanies for me. He isn't the man I thought he was and it is making it easier.

 

for taking control, in fact let's have two!!

[siuys]

Nice to hear, Confused4Now. I have read many of your posts, and I find it interesting to hear from a guy's perspective. I guess in the end we're not all that different...

 

lilbunny, welcome to getting back control. I wish you all the best. If IC helps why not by all means go for it. I went to IC during the A which so twisted when you think about it. Now I am fine and I won't want to waste any more dollars on the sodding A. Excuse me.

 

I couldn't possibly date as yet and have no desire to. After all, I am not totally over xMM yet. I am enjoying my company, the freedom, the emotional stability (i've almost forgotten what that's like!) and in time, when I am good and ready and can think of xMM with a laugh, then I think I can consider dating again. Whatever you decide to do, all the best.

[camel's toe]

Glad you have given them the boot. It is so hard to do and you need to keep bigging yourself up all the time, keep yourself on the treadmill as it were.

 

It took me a year (I've posted a thread). After the last MM I went to see a shrink. That is something I would recommend. You need all the support you can get because you are changing your life and sometimes you may have a wobble.

 

I read avidly and recommend the following:

 

WHY MEN PREFER BITCHES

THE SURRENDERED SINGLE

THINK LIKE A MAN, ACT LIKE A LADY

THE SINGLE TRAP

 

they have kept me on the straight and narrow.

[Star_Bright]

Good for you, Siuys! I know exactly that feeling you are talking about. My ex(?)MM kept telling me he wanted to leave, yet not leaving, and I just couldn't deal with that back and forth anymore. I told him not to contact me unless he had really left. It felt so empowering. I was really into work, my own interests. Yeah it was lonely and sometimes felt crappy but overall I had a feeling of strength and control that was like no other.

 

Then he would contact me and I would turn to confused jello and not know what to do. I would try to keep all conversations (about work) short and to the point. Then he would ask me if I was seeing anyone and if I still loved him, etc. I felt so torn because I want him to know I love him but I also want him OUT of my life if he is not all mine. Honestly I felt weaker when we talked than I did when he didn't contact me.

 

Now, as you know, he has told me he is leaving in a week. Now I just feel... all over the place. Still strong in that if he doesn't leave, I still don't want to talk to him. But also hopeful in that if he does leave then he has taken a step and I get all excited about being with him. But it is definitely a lot less of that powerful feeling. Sometimes I think of cutting him out completely because I hate the rollercoaster and just want to be strong and worry only about myself. But then I think that he's a risk worth taking if he actually does follow through. That in the end I could be glad I hung in there despite my fears. I know that if he lies to me or leaves and then goes back, we are done. But I also know he still hasn't left; he has just told me, and his wife, he is going to leave. And that even if he does leave, as you've wisely pointed out through experience, he can go back again (at which point I would walk away for good). So it's all so topsy turvy and not that strong powerful in-control feeling of writing him off or going NC.

 

I am proud of your strength; it's admirable, and I know you will be better off without him!!!

[siuys]

BrightStar, I understand the giving it a go and taking a risk. I did. But it's also good to establish boundaries, which sounds like you have. But do be prepared for some more roller coaster rides because there inevitably will be. In my situation things didn't deteriorate until he moved out. It got so f***ed up and affected me so badly and got me so angry that I gathered the strength to write him off. Right now, I don't really care if he came back or not because I know for a fact that the longer he doesn't contact me, the better I will be. I will NOT contact him again because otherwise I have removed my boundaries again.... good luck and keep us posted, BrightStar but be very cautious and be very honest about the situation and to yourself...

[Star_Bright]

BrightStar, I understand the giving it a go and taking a risk. I did. But it's also good to establish boundaries, which sounds like you have. But do be prepared for some more roller coaster rides because there inevitably will be. In my situation things didn't deteriorate until he moved out. It got so f***ed up and affected me so badly and got me so angry that I gathered the strength to write him off. Right now, I don't really care if he came back or not because I know for a fact that the longer he doesn't contact me, the better I will be. I will NOT contact him again because otherwise I have removed my boundaries again.... good luck and keep us posted, BrightStar but be very cautious and be very honest about the situation and to yourself...

 

Thanks as always for the really good advice, Siuys. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the potential heartache and if I should just say goodbye completely. Usually I think, I'll get it that go and if he lets me down, so be it, I knew what I was getting into and I am prepared to walk. If I do walk then I want to be strong like you.

 

Here is my issue, already I have been able to tell that MM is undecided. I mean, clearly, or he would either stop having the affair with me or move out and file for divorce. I really don't think it's an issue of him deliberately wanting both and keeping me on a string. I think he DOES want to get divorced and be with me, but it's such a hard thing for him to wrap his head around. In fact he told me very honestly before I went NC that he knows he needs to leave and wants to leave but is having a hard time "wrapping his arms around it." That's when I walked away, because I thought, well, this is his decision and I don't want to pressure him and I don't want to be just one of his two options in his decision... I want all or nothing.

 

Well, if he does move out, I know it's not going to be much difference. Yes the decision and action of moving out can be looked at as a step in my direction. But really it might just be a way to get out of the pressure on both sides. His wife is obviously pressuring him to focus on the marriage or get out. I am pressuring him, without trying to, but my absence is pressuring him because he wants to be with me and knows I won't/can't wait forever. So I think moving out for him is a way to be on his own and try to make his decision. Yet he still wants me in his life and I have agreed to be there for him if he moves out--not live with him or marry him but to talk to him and see him. So how is that going to help make his decision any easier, you know? He will still have me there and I don't know if I will be a support or a distraction, or both.

 

And then I think, well, what if he is just moving out to give himself more time? His wife will think he's working on himself and deciding whether he wants to stay married and I will think the same and where does that leave both of us? Well it leaves her married to him and me dating him while he's still married... just like now, albeit separated. I mean in one way it's a step in my direction and I want to support him but on the other hand it still gives him both choices.

 

So sometimes I really do want to say, just call me if you get divorced. But I had already told him, I will be here for you if you leave, I know it is hard and I know you are struggling. So how could I do that?! I at least need to see what happens once he moves out, for myself, I feel, as much as for him.

 

This is all so confusing. Thank you for "listening" to me blab. Right now I just try to focus on myself and not him. Yes I miss him and wish I could be with him but not the way things are. If he does move out in a week I guess I will have to see how it is. Right now he has not moved out and I'm a little angry at myself that I'm spending so much time even thinking about all of this. I don't want to give up on him but I also hate the confusion and worrying about things that I'm not even involved in (him leaving his wife).

[siuys]

StarBright, I understand all what you are saying, as I have been through it. I wish you were not in this situation... but always remember, you do have a choice. Just because something hurts (e.g. walking away), or will hurt, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it... Bottom line, if you do not walk away, be prepared for some heartache. If you want to proceed, monitor the situation very carefully, and never forget your boundaries because he will step across the line if you let him. Like you said, be prepared to walk. Everyone has their limit, and hopefully yours won't allow you to be in a bad situation for too long. He is probably not even aware of all the emotions he will be feeling once he moves out.

 

I also remind myself that I do not want to be the transition woman. If I am with xMM at this time, he is only more confused, and if he cannot honestly show me that he really wants to be with me, and be READY, I don't want it. And him being so recently separated, he is in a bad place emotionally, and the R won't survive. You may find yourself playing the armchair psychologist, the caring girlfriend, the accommodating OW, the understand friend all that... he will take, take and take and before long, you will feel exhausted and your needs not met. I am speaking from experience, not that I am saying your situation will be so. I hope not for your sake.

 

I have never been with anyone not available - emotional or otherwise. I still cannot believe I am on this forum talking about my situation, and thinking and being confused about a man. I joined in mid August, that's when the situation got really bad. It's almost October and I'm still here but at least I've made progress although am not over it.

 

All the best, StarBright. Just maintain your boundaries and don't lose your head...

[Star_Bright]

StarBright, I understand all what you are saying, as I have been through it. I wish you were not in this situation... but always remember, you do have a choice. Just because something hurts (e.g. walking away), or will hurt, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it... Bottom line, if you do not walk away, be prepared for some heartache. If you want to proceed, monitor the situation very carefully, and never forget your boundaries because he will step across the line if you let him. Like you said, be prepared to walk. Everyone has their limit, and hopefully yours won't allow you to be in a bad situation for too long. He is probably not even aware of all the emotions he will be feeling once he moves out.

 

I also remind myself that I do not want to be the transition woman. If I am with xMM at this time, he is only more confused, and if he cannot honestly show me that he really wants to be with me, and be READY, I don't want it. And him being so recently separated, he is in a bad place emotionally, and the R won't survive. You may find yourself playing the armchair psychologist, the caring girlfriend, the accommodating OW, the understand friend all that... he will take, take and take and before long, you will feel exhausted and your needs not met. I am speaking from experience, not that I am saying your situation will be so. I hope not for your sake.

 

I have never been with anyone not available - emotional or otherwise. I still cannot believe I am on this forum talking about my situation, and thinking and being confused about a man. I joined in mid August, that's when the situation got really bad. It's almost October and I'm still here but at least I've made progress although am not over it.

 

All the best, StarBright. Just maintain your boundaries and don't lose your head...

 

I agree he's not even aware of the feelings he will experience if he leaves. I have also already played armchair psychologist, caring girlfriend, accommodating OW and caring friend. He's said things like, you really get me, you nail it on the head, how do you have so much insight? Part of it is from reading on LS, part of it from knowing him and part of it is just that it's so easy to see when I'm not him, in the middle of his situation.

 

It does get exhausting and draining which is why I went NC. It feels better to focus on myself but now I'm all focused on whether or not he's really going to leave and what happens then etc. I don't feel he'd use me as a transition and then go on to other women. I do feel he really loves me but maybe I'm being naive. ??? All I have is that feeling that he really wants to be with me.

 

He's said that he is so sure his marriage is dead and if he tried to stay, it would be like he was stuck in prison, and he'd either try to get back with me again or make himself available to another OW, because he is just so unhappy at home. I think about this a lot and don't know how to take it. Part of me makes me realize he's not really leaving his marriage FOR me, he is leaving because he is unhappy, and with or without me he wants to be happy which means leaving the marriage. But part of me wonders how much he was just waiting for someone to come along and "rescue" him. Like, he would have left or at least wanted to leave for anyone? And he would if I went away... like, I'm that replaceable?? But then I don't know how to explain this deep connection and feelings of love that I know both of us have. How could he have that with just anyone?? I know I couldn't!!

 

Thanks for letting me air it all out. I just want some peace. I guess I will have some part of an answer in six days. If he doesn't leave, I walk, for good. If he does, I will have to see how he acts and how I feel and what the exact circumstances are.

[siuys]

Hang in there StarBright. The answers will come to you soon enough. You know when you can't stand it anymore.

 

I am not doing too fabulous today. Woke up multiple times last night thinking about xMM. I feel weak today - that feeling you get in your heart - like someone tore it out and stepped on it.

 

I know I have made the right decision, but I also know one week NC isn't very long so I simply have to bear the pain. There is no way I will contact him though. From the past I know we both feel 'desperate' between 7 and 10 days and one of us always caved, but this time, it will be different. I hope he doesn't contact me and throw me back to where I was. I so HATE all of this and cannot wait till I feel 100% normal again. This is the hardest breakup I've ever had. It's so warped. I find myself still thinking and wondering if he will contact me in the future. Bloody hell.

 

I also remind myself I am resisting the situation again. I must simply accept the way things are, accept the fact that he is not the person he was when I met him, and this toxic situation is bad for me. Anyway, like you, just needed to vent!

 

Keep us posted, BrightStar... and believe me, I know how you feel. Take care of you.

[Star_Bright]

Hang in there StarBright. The answers will come to you soon enough. You know when you can't stand it anymore.

 

I am not doing too fabulous today. Woke up multiple times last night thinking about xMM. I feel weak today - that feeling you get in your heart - like someone tore it out and stepped on it.

 

I know I have made the right decision, but I also know one week NC isn't very long so I simply have to bear the pain. There is no way I will contact him though. From the past I know we both feel 'desperate' between 7 and 10 days and one of us always caved, but this time, it will be different. I hope he doesn't contact me and throw me back to where I was. I so HATE all of this and cannot wait till I feel 100% normal again. This is the hardest breakup I've ever had. It's so warped. I find myself still thinking and wondering if he will contact me in the future. Bloody hell.

 

I also remind myself I am resisting the situation again. I must simply accept the way things are, accept the fact that he is not the person he was when I met him, and this toxic situation is bad for me. Anyway, like you, just needed to vent!

 

Keep us posted, BrightStar... and believe me, I know how you feel. Take care of you.

 

Thank you for the advice-- I find some peace in the fact that the answers WILL come to me even though they haven't yet.

 

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day. I know that feeling so well. I just want to skip ahead in time until everything feels fine. I really think only time will do it and I'm a bit envious in that you're ahead of me... I am still in the thick of things and haven't even gotten out of the forest. But I know that pain of missing him and feeling lonely and I say that it will all just make you stronger and more self-reliant in the end! I know that doesn't really help much now but try to focus on the end goal. Feel better!!! Let me know how you're doing!