I finally figured out the root of my problems with my ex. Too bad it took too long.

[durkadurka]

As you all know I've been posting a ton complaining about how my relationship is over, and various things that led to it falling apart. I couldn't really put my thumb on the one thing that tied it all together until today.

 

Codependency.

 

Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. [1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.[1]

 

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

 

 

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

 

 

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

I love my ex, but since the beginning of our relationship there has been a ton going on. From smaller things like being in a perpetual fight in the beginning of our relationship to stave off other guys or the fact that she stayed in the country I live in and worked a job she was miserable at for me. To the fact we moved in together after only 4 months of dating exclusively. To more significant things like her family is going bankrupt and she needed to help.

 

At the same time, I had to worry about my job (which I found because she didn't like my old one), staying in school, and my life.

 

I found the experience paralyzing. I tried to explain it to her that I could not see the forest from the trees and that I needed to be a stronger person to support her. Despite this, we still became stuck in the mud.

 

When I saw her last (flew down to visit her), I told her that I thought we each had issues that we needed to resolve on our own. What I didn't realize was that it was all tied together through a simple and common recognizable issue.

 

It's a shame I didn't recognize this earlier, so that I could have brought it to her attention. As I feel that with this solid 'diagnosis' there was really an opportunity to patch things up, unfortunately I think that enough time has passed that that ship has sailed.

 

 

When I talked to her a few weeks ago she said that 'I didn't want to talk about our relationship when I went down there'. I flew down, I did talk. I guess I just didn't really have anything concrete to say, as 'I love you, and want to be with you, but I still don't know how to fix our problems' was something that was going to fly anymore.

 

 

Anyways, EUREKA at least now I know what plagued me for so long.

Edited September 23, 2010 by durkadurka

[Don Ho]

Good job Bro. It's always good to put the pieces together. Maybe you can now let it go and start moving forward with your life.

[durkadurka]

Good job Bro. It's always good to put the pieces together. Maybe you can now let it go and start moving forward with your life.

 

Thanks buddy. It's a real shame from start to finish.

 

Last time I saw her (almost 2 months ago now), I worked as hard as I could to demonstrate that I cared about her in ways that words could never convey. Whether it be taking care of her sister, taking her family out for dinner, defending my ex in front of her grandparents, taking risks (like going on my first roller coaster ever, I've got a deathly fear of roller coasters), or taking care of her when she was sick.

 

When I got home (I flew down to visit), she called me and told me how much she missed me, that she wished I had stayed longer and that she was really happy she had my support. I told her that I really enjoyed being down there with her and that I would have liked to have stayed longer, but not knowing how she and I stood, I didn't want to overstay my welcome. Maybe she was giving me a big hint? I don't know.

 

It only took 10 days for her to stop calling (I know her life got pretty hectic), she had to tell her dad that he was probably going to be unemployed, she called me crying telling me I had to sell all the stuff she left behind because she was running out of money, she started compartmentalize and put walls up. She said that she was really busy with trying to pull this business opportunity off, and that our conversations were starting to rehash the same material.

 

I think that all things considered, I played all my cards right. I gave her a warm and inviting opportunity to talk to me about anything she wanted. She didn't. I knew that iteration of our unhealthy relationship needed to die. She wasn't the person she was when I met her, and I wanted to give her the opportunity to get back to where she needed to be, with my help. Unfortunately, she used me as a springboard (maybe?).

 

My therpist (who saw both of us in couples therapy), said that my ex just hasn't figured herself out yet. Her patterns in her relationship indicates she jumps from situation to situation and person to person as it suits her needs.

 

He also said that our relationship was dead the moment she decided to be something else other than the person that she wanted to be. The second she chose to be mediocre, she became unsatisfied. The moment she decided to stay in my city and not make the best of it was the moment the relationship was doomed to fail.

 

He also said that I identified the problem a year ago, and saw how hopeless I felt when I couldn't find a remedy. Unfortunately, I fear my ex and I were both too immature to get to the real problems, instead argued about the superficial ones.

 

Another week after that for her to start 'seeing' someone. She blamed me for not talking to her about our relationship. That was really hard to take. I feel that given how she stated she missed me and wished I'd stayed longer, this guy is a rebound, but I'm so far removed from her life right now I'm not in a position to say one way or the other. Just that this fits her pattern of dating guys that meet her current needs (aka he owns a tennis club and swimming club she goes to).

 

I don't know if my commitment to sorting out the underlying problems before trying to patch things up pushed her more towards seeing someone, or not. But she really stunned me.

 

Either way, it sucks. She insists she wants to be friends, but we were never friends, we were passionate lovers. I did everything that I could.

 

Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to tell her next time she calls.

 

So far whats getting me by is my commitment to the positive things going on in my life: I'm in the best health I've been in in 3-4 years, I've shed 10 pounds and got my 6 pack back, I'm back in school full time. I'm moving to a different apartment. My friends have been great and supportive to me. I'm working at a massively overpaying job, with a boss that is willing to work around my school schedule.

 

It just sucks that my best friend has pushed me out of my life in such a degrading manner after putting me on such a high.

Edited September 24, 2010 by durkadurka

[Don Ho]

Wow, another smart therapist. It doesn't matter what her problems are, she has them and they're her problems. There is no fixing her for you. Like my Bro Don Juan always says: never pick a woman that is a project.

[durkadurka]

Wow, another smart therapist. It doesn't matter what her problems are, she has them and they're her problems. There is no fixing her for you. Like my Bro Don Juan always says: never pick a woman that is a project.

 

She wasn't a project for the first year we were dating.

 

She became a project as time went on and she became less satisfied and I started getting stretched really thin. The pull from her parents and her natural desire to travel pulled on her, no matter how much she liked me it, staying with me meant settling.

 

I was hoping that when her life got sorted out down there she'd be ready to give it another shot. I think that's maybe what she wanted to hear when I was down there.

 

Too late now though! I had a chance up until the point that someone else was more prevalent in her mind.

 

 

 

She's going to call me next week because I sold all of our furniture and I don't really know how to approach it.

Edited September 24, 2010 by durkadurka

[pandagirl]

It sounds like both of you had a lot of things to work on individually that were never resolved that led to unhappiness in your relationship. I think your girlfriend could have worked more on herself to be happy, but sometimes that just isn't possible depending on the mindset you're in. Sounds like she was tired and wornout and just needed to get out of the situation she was stuck in, which had to do with your relationship.

 

You can't make her happy -- that's up to her.

[durkadurka]

It sounds like both of you had a lot of things to work on individually that were never resolved that led to unhappiness in your relationship. I think your girlfriend could have worked more on herself to be happy, but sometimes that just isn't possible depending on the mindset you're in. Sounds like she was tired and wornout and just needed to get out of the situation she was stuck in, which had to do with your relationship.

 

You can't make her happy -- that's up to her.

 

 

Yeah we were worn out and had really reached an impass. We loved each other but, as she said 'she wasn't in love with me anymore' and it wasn't fair. Water had builty up behind the dam and too many things were pulling us in too many different directions. I wasn't prepared to gamble on this thing working with this business idea, which, in the end might be my loss. I just couldn't leave my home, my friends, and everything else for a crap shoot. I just needed some certainty that she was going to get back to her old self.

 

I tried as hard as I could to try and push her to look for a job earlier, but it took her almost a year to apply for her first REAL job. By that time, the damage had been done and her parents were pulling at her to get her to come back to Vancouver.

 

When she left I blew her mind in terms of a going away party and we parted super well.

 

I think this guy is a rebound because I know right now she's living on her parents couch. The guy is probably just a place to sleep to get her away from what's going on. It's sanctuary from the uncertainty of everything else going on in her life.

Edited September 24, 2010 by durkadurka

[pandagirl]

Yeah we were worn out and had really reached an impass. We loved each other but, as she said 'she wasn't in love with me anymore' and it wasn't fair.

 

I tried as hard as I could to try and push her to look for a job earlier, but it took her almost a year to apply for her first REAL job. By that time, the damage had been done and her parents were pulling at her to get her to come back to Vancouver.

 

When she left I blew her mind in terms of a going away party and we parted super well.

 

I think this guy is a rebound because I know right now she's living on her parents couch. The guy is probably just a place to sleep to get her away from what's going on. It's sanctuary from the uncertainty of everything else going on in her life.

 

You're girlfriend sounds a little depressed? I mean, jobless + sleeping/living on her parent's couch does not sound great. It sounds like she just wants to be left alone and not deal with anything.

 

As for not being "in love" with you, I believe if you were once in love, you can most of the time get back that feeling, but you have to give some TLC to the relationship for that to happen. No one feels "in love" all the time, it comes and goes. As they say, love is like a plant, and if it isn't watered, it'll eventually wither and die.

 

I know I'm only hearing your side of the story, but she kinds of sounds like a mess right now. You can't be with someone like that. I know you're sort of hoping for a second chance with her, but it's best if you both go your own ways to find happiness for yourselves. I know that what I'm doing.

 

As for her new guy, I wouldn't worry about him.

[durkadurka]

You're girlfriend sounds a little depressed? I mean, jobless + sleeping/living on her parent's couch does not sound great. It sounds like she just wants to be left alone and not deal with anything.

 

As for not being "in love" with you, I believe if you were once in love, you can most of the time get back that feeling, but you have to give some TLC to the relationship for that to happen. No one feels "in love" all the time, it comes and goes. As they say, love is like a plant, and if it isn't watered, it'll eventually wither and die.

 

I know I'm only hearing your side of the story, but she kinds of sounds like a mess right now. You can't be with someone like that. I know you're sort of hoping for a second chance with her, but it's best if you both go your own ways to find happiness for yourselves. I know that what I'm doing.

 

As for her new guy, I wouldn't worry about him.

 

Well she isn't unemployed here's an abridged backstory.

 

Her dad is employed by an architectural woodworking company based out of St. Louis. This company has been a victim of the economy, and the owner is looking to shut the company down. He is no longer interested, the company is in debt, and he wants to move to Florida.

 

My ex's parents are near bankruptcy. Their lines of credit are maxed out, their house is worth less than the value of the mortgage, and my ex has loaned them $10,000. $5000 of which was less than 2 months before we broke up.

 

When my ex went to visit her brother for his graduation in May, they dropped this red herring in front of her. The company is going broke, we'll have to declare bankruptcy, our life as we know it will be over.

 

The owner of the company was willling to cut her what appeared to be a sweetheart deal to buy the company and keep everyone employed. $100,000 cash, plus about another 75k in benefits. With this in mind it seemed on the surface to be a very good opportunity.

 

Originally, my family was one of the groups she was going to ask for this money from. But as time went on we found out the company was broke, it owed as much money as the value of all of its assets (called insolvency).

 

The amount of money necessary to not only buy this company, but keep it afloat started ballooning to the 750,000 mark. That's what it was as of 1.5 months ago, I haven't heard anything since really.

 

As time went on she asked for my help, and I kind of went into 'safe' mode and did what I could to try and help her.

I know her family problems are rough and tumble and by her own admission the whole experience has been a roller coaster.

 

Technically she's not jobless, because trying to come up with money to buy this company is her job.

 

I know she's running out of money because she's had to spend so much on her family.

 

I know that apparently she's out meeting new people and having fun.

 

I think this guy is just a source of stability for her. He owns the swimming pool/club that she goes to, is 12 years older than her, and had his house foreclosed on last year. Sounds like a real winner to me.

 

I don't know.

Edited September 24, 2010 by durkadurka

[pandagirl]

Well she isn't unemployed here's an abridged backstory.

 

I know her family problems are rough and tumble and by her own admission the whole experience has been a roller coaster.

 

Technically she's not jobless, because trying to come up with money to buy this company is her job.

 

I know she's running out of money because she's had to spend so much on her family.

 

I know that apparently she's out meeting new people and having fun.

 

I think this guy is just a source of stability for her.

 

I don't know.

 

Yikes, that is stressful for her and family!

 

Listen, distractions work wonders. I've been doing it with my own breakup to take my mind off of things, but it doesn't mean I'm still not sad or thinking about him a lot. For all I know, my ex is going out every night and sleeping with random girls. And if he is, then so be it. I know I'm the only girls he's ever really been truly in love with.

 

It's hard to really accept the end of a relationship, but for whatever reason, she couldn't give any more to it. That has no reflection on you. It's so cliche to say, "it's not you, it's me" and everyone hates to hear it, but it's so true.

[durkadurka]

Yikes, that is stressful for her and family!

 

Listen, distractions work wonders. I've been doing it with my own breakup to take my mind off of things, but it doesn't mean I'm still not sad or thinking about him a lot. For all I know, my ex is going out every night and sleeping with random girls. And if he is, then so be it. I know I'm the only girls he's ever really been truly in love with.

 

It's hard to really accept the end of a relationship, but for whatever reason, she couldn't give any more to it. That has no reflection on you. It's so cliche to say, "it's not you, it's me" and everyone hates to hear it, but it's so true.

 

Yeah it's stressful. Neither of us could put any more into it. She and I were still quite close after the break up and that she was returning there because she needed to help them.

 

Our relationship couldn't deal with the strain of all the events and that I (I think it was we) was hoping that as things started to be resolved we'd be able to kindle things up again.

 

I put our relationship into neutral, and put it in idle to kind of see how this situation was being resolved before putting the relationship back into drive.

 

I laid the foundation for a good future relationship and she couldn't keep waiting I guess.

[HoldingPatterns]

This sounds alot like my relationship, just subtle differences. The psychological aspect is amazing.

 

My ex doesn't know her self and she jumps from guy to guy. She takes on the guys interests at the time and makes his life heaven!

 

When she is done or finds something about the relationship that she doesn't like she is on to a new guy, that fast.

 

It's been the worst experience of my life to see that my relationship might have been fake. The things she said to me were the same things she's always said to guys. I believe she has some emotional immaturity issues. She fits several descriptions of all the famous personality disorders.

And she puts up walls and never indulges too much of herself. She had a secret life behind my back, maybe even a couple. It's sad how quickly she moves, and it's sad to think that she has prob. already devaluated me.