How do you know you won't stray?

[Universe]

How do you know you won't stray?

 

I ask this question because I've been in an incredibly beautiful loving relationship for 11 years (we broke up once for 7 months 6 years ago and got back together). We started dating when we were 20. I was a virgin and had only had one relationship (a bad one) before her. But my relationship with my girlfriend has been absolutely wonderful. I absolutely loved her with all my heart and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, get married, have children together, etc.

 

But I, somewhat consciously and somewhat unconsciously, got myself into an emotional affair with one of my band mates. I never consciously wanted to leave my girlfriend. I never stopped believing that she was the love of my life. I never stopped loving her. But for some reason I strayed into this emotional affair which eventually became physical. I made out with the other woman on a couple different occasions and gave her a hand-job. I felt absolutely horrible about it. I thought I was losing my mind. Nothing made any sense. I did not want this other woman. I did not find her attractive. She is much younger than me and I find her immature and underdeveloped in many ways. But I did these things despite the fact that I didn't really want to do them and I knew how much my actions might hurt my girlfriend. But I did it anyways.

 

Obviously some part of me wanted it to happen. Some part of me must have fallen out of love with my girlfriend at some point. I recognized that this was a possibility. But I did not want to fall out of love with my girlfriend. I did not want to have an intimate relationship with my band mate.

 

This all went down back in May and June. I gave myself a million reasons to keep it a secret. I was over it. I didn't have intercourse or oral sex with the other woman. I told myself it was just a weird thing that happened - that I just had some codependency issues and let myself get carried away with this girl who was madly in love with me. But the deception just drove me insane. Every second of every day I was arguing to myself, "You have to tell her! You absolutely CANNOT tell her!" I was in agony.

 

So now all has been confessed. I could not keep it inside any longer. I voluntarily told her everything about 4 weeks ago. I'm now in therapy. My girlfriend is in therapy. We spent a couple weeks apart. Technically she broke up with me but has assured me that she does not want to date anyone else. We live together in a one-bedroom apartment. We've both read Co-dependent No More and have been working on our personal issues independently. We've been discussing everything opening and rationally. I've severed all ties with my band mate and the band is breaking up (though we still have a couple more engagements that we may play - we plan to meet next week to discuss potentially canceling them. Any and all interaction with the other woman is strictly professional and kept to an absolute minimum).

 

My girlfriend doesn't know if she wants to reconcile. Who could blame her? But I want to reconcile. I still want the spend the rest of my life with her. I'm working on my issues and trying my best to understand fully what happened to me. How could I do those things when I love her so much? It's been completely tearing me apart. I've never felt so horrible in my entire life. But I'm trying to put everything in its right place. I need to have this remorse, but I also need to be strong and not get so down on myself so that I can recover and hopefully redeem myself.

 

But the question is - even if we reconcile, how can I assure her that it won't happen again? How can I know for sure that I won't stray again? I didn't want to the first time? I never wanted to be with anyone else. If you had told me that I would do this before it all happened, I would have said it was impossible. Well - that's how I feel now. I have certainly learned a powerful lesson and will not stop focusing on my issues and immaturity that let this happen. My ego is humbled. I'm aware of what I have to lose.

 

But how can I really know for sure that something like this won't happen again. I sure don't want it to. But I didn't want it to before.

 

The only difference now is that I'm aware of how I need to set up greater boundaries between myself and other people when it comes to emotional relations. I know how unpleasant following roads like these can be. And I never ever ever never want to go down a road like this again. I want my girlfriend. I want to make her happy. I want to be the best partner to her that anyone could ever have. I don't want to miss a second of her life. And I want us to have children together.

 

I knew for sure that I would never stray before. But I was wrong. How will I know for sure this time?

[Kasan]

Oh you're a brave one, coming back for round 2?

 

You don't ever know for sure that you will stray again...........

 

But I do know, that you don't put yourself in a situation where there is a possibility.

 

You make the active decision/choice that it's just not gonna happen.

 

And...the next time you are even tempted, ask yourself, what need would this person fill that I'm not getting in my current relationship.

 

Then, go have the hard talk with your partner.

 

Good luck!

[Woggle]

You are a human being with control over your actions. If you have no control over your actions then I suggest you seek help.

[quankanne]

simple. I've got a certain preconception about myself, and being a cheater doesn't fit into it. And while I may *think* I could do something like that, the reality is, I don't have the heart to step out on my husband because he really is a good person, no matter how frustrated I can get with him.

 

it's about deciding what's important and then doing your best to adhere to those goals/values ...

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

It's just like any temptation in life!

 

How do you know you won't be tempted to blow off work and go gambling for the day? How about trying some heavily addictive illicit drugs and becoming a slave to them? What about robbing a bank and making off with some big cash?

 

In reality, any and every one of us are, at some level capable of having a lapse in judgment, or making a mistake.

 

To be honest, I am extremely confident that I could never cheat on my wife. I am 99.9% sure. Is it impossible though? I don't think so. I can only hope that each and every day I can make the right decisions and persevere over the challenges that face us each and every day...

[Universe]

Oh you're a brave one, coming back for round 2?

 

How do you mean?

 

You are a human being with control over your actions. If you have no control over your actions then I suggest you seek help.

First, I'm getting help.

 

Second, I'm not just talking about actions. Yes, my actions were certainly a major problem in my drama. But the bigger issue was the emotional affair. How do you know for sure what your emotions will do?

 

I know that there probably isn't a good answer to this question. For me, I know a lot more now about how an emotional relationship like this develops. I let it happen and even encouraged it to happen. I did this not because I particularly wanted it to happen, but because I didn't see the harm in it. I've always tried to embrace all of the love and beauty that life sent my way. I never thought anything could threaten my relationship with my girlfriend. So I didn't take it seriously when I started noticing signs that something emotional was growing between me and the other woman.

 

Now I know to take it seriously and take the proper steps to shut it down when I see these signs again. I truly had no idea what I was getting myself in to. I thought it was just the misfortune of this poor girl to be in love with me when I was in love with someone else. I thought it a mere discomfort. I knew that I had some feelings for her, but I never thought they could compete with my girlfriend.

 

As a woman, the OW is nothing in comparison to my GF. So I didn't worry about it. But somehow I got emotionally involved anyways despite my low opinion of the other woman.

 

The reason I bring this question up is because my GF is now having to assess whether or not she can trust me and if I'm worth reconciling with. I know how I feel about her and I've learned a great deal about how to identify problems like these before they start. But I have no way to assure her that this is the truth. That's certainly the penalty for engaging in a deception of the magnitude that I have. Now there's no way she can trust me. She questions my trustworthiness so much that I'm forced to question it myself.

 

I know that it's typical for men to profess their love for a woman and promise that they will never stray again - and then eventually they do it again. My GF is afraid I am like that. I believe that I am not like that. But do all men believe as I do that they are not like that? Do all men learn the lessons that I have only to repeat the same mistake again?

 

What can I do to ensure that I grow in every way that I need to? I will practice exercising more self control. I will not entertain emotions that go beyond that of an appropriate friendship with people other than my GF. When I find myself having inappropriate emotions I will talk to my GF about them right away and deal with them in the open.

 

But is this all that can be done?

 

Are there any men out there who have been through something similar and then gone on to be totally faithful and trustworthy? I believe that I can be. But am I fooling myself?

[Universe]

I've got a certain preconception about myself, and being a cheater doesn't fit into it. And while I may *think* I could do something like that, the reality is, I don't have the heart to step out on my husband because he really is a good person, no matter how frustrated I can get with him.

 

it's about deciding what's important and then doing your best to adhere to those goals/values ...

 

This is what is so scary to me. The above quote is exactly what I would have said before all of this happened. I even said something like this while it was happening.

 

I guess what is freaking me out the most is how I could know what I wanted, say what I wanted, and still act in the exact opposite way. How could I have had such a disconnect between body and mind? I really hope my therapist can help me this part. It makes me feel like I'm going insane.

[Crazy Magnet]

Some of us have been screwed over by our husbands/wives/bfs/gfs and we just KNOW that we could NEVER in a million years inflict the kind of humiliating pain that comes along with your true love cheating on you.

 

That's how I know.

 

Just imaging the look in my BFs eyes if I told him I had cheated on him breaks my heart in half, and it's only hypothetical.

 

Also, I set up the Great Wall of China for a boundary between myself and any male friend. 30 years taught me enough to know this is a necessity for my life.

[aerogurl87]

I hate to say this but if you cheat on a person once, then the relationship in my eyes is virtually over then. You lose respect for your SO and that is usually never regained, trust is gone, everything becomes a mess. I believe that it is possible to cheat once and never let it happen again, but someone to cheat once on a specific person and never let it happen again rarely happens I think. I cheated on my ex once and although I never strayed again after that first time I was mentally always seeking to leave him because I lost respect for him as a person and neither of us trusted each other after that. Four months of my life down the drain and if I could go back in time I would've never taken him back after he broke up with me.

[Stung]

To answer your question, I suppose I do not 100% know that I will never stray; I am rational-minded, I know that the world is hard and gray and complex, and unforeseen extreme circumstances do sometimes arise.

 

I do 100% believe that I will never stray.

 

I have never cheated in the past, with less on the line and more minor commitments than I have now I stayed away from temptation because my ethics, my honor, was important to me. In addition, I have already sown a lot of wild oats in my youth, and already painfully learned how to set healthy boundaries and enforce them. For example, I feel I can say pretty confidently that your situation would be extremely unlikely to happen to me, because I would have recognized early warning signs and I have made a commitment to speak to my husband and/or a counselor if I ever get to a point where I am having trouble deflecting that kind of emotional entanglement, way before we ever get into handjob territory.

 

Nobody knows for sure 'what their emotions will do'. Long commitments are hard, relationships have ups and downs, other people are attractive. That's life. The key as I understand it is to be emotionally aware, and vigilant, and ethical. When you notice that you are a little more attracted to a person than you should be, when you find yourself spending time with them and thinking of them more frequently, CUT IT OUT. Create distance. Acknowledge to yourself what is happening, like an adult, and make the conscious effort to refocus mental and emotional energy on your partner. Be brutally honest with yourself about what is happening. Remind yourself how important it is to be able to hold your head up high and be proud of your own behavior, and to look your partner in the eye and know that you have treated them with respect.

 

I think it's great that you are seeking help to understand yourself better, that is the path to emotional awareness.

[Universe]

In addition, I have already sown a lot of wild oats in my youth, and already painfully learned how to set healthy boundaries and enforce them.

The more and more I look at this, the more I realize how juvenile it is and how much it really does stem from my lack of experience and understanding of setting boundaries. I think I honestly believed that I was put here to love as much of the world that came into my life as I could and also to feel all of the love that the world brought into my life. I love my girlfriend so much - we have such an incredible special bond - I never imagined love could be so good. Therefore I never thought there was and reason to worry about ever feeling something for someone else enough to let something happen.

 

I initiated a lot of things and in many ways encouraged the other woman to fall for me. I let myself fall in love with certain aspects of who she was. But I was never in love with her. I think maybe I just wanted to let her get as close as the universe intended. But I knew deep down that she could never get as close as she wanted. So I let her go as far as I could and then let her go a few steps further in the heat of the moment. I baited her in to throwing herself at me so I could reject her. But when it came down to it, I didn't have the courage to reject her. I became weak and pathetic. It wasn't until she insisted on crossing the ultimate boundary that I physically could not go any further.

 

I never thought of her and wanted to be with her. I never had an erection for her. Going that far with her made me sick. Something other than my own heart was driving me. My body was externally working against my will for some strange and extreme form of ego - an extremely immature and dangerous form of ego. Yet my body internally made it impossible for me to go any further than I did. It's like I let my ego and my codependency issues take control of me until I finally got so disgusted with myself that I couldn't go any further.

 

In the end I have not only been cruel and reckless with the love I hold most dear, I've also toyed with and rejected another.

 

How bad am I?

[Omerta]

How do you know you won't stray?

 

New member here, but in response to the OP question, I don't know that I will stray. Almost all my girlfriends that I had in the past, I have cheated on. Chalk it up to being young or boredom. I look back on it and realize that I was a jerk. I am married now and there is the ups and downs. It's a rocky road, but I have to admit my eyes wonder from time to time. Will I cheat on my wife, I don't want to, but I can't help it. So far, I have been with my wife for 3 years and haven't cheated, so that's a good thing.

[Snowflower]

Universe, I've read both your threads and they hit close to home for me.

 

I am glad you have taken the time to hash it out here on the boards...trying to understand what you did. I disagree with those posters who say you are excusing what you did, I think you are simply trying to understand. But for some, your trying to reach this understanding is rationalizing your behavior as far as some are concerned. Ignore them if you don't find their input helpful.

 

I think the key for you to understand why you behaved as you did (and it is obvious you are remorseful and disgusted by this) is to explore this in IC. Something made you connect with this girl and continue to pursue it until that final line was crossed. At that point, it seems that you realized you had taken it too far and attempted to disentangle yourself from it.

 

From your girlfriend's POV, it is probably little consolation that you didn't go all the way with this other person. What is likely hurting your girlfriend is that you kept pursuing this other relationship until YOU couldn't take it anymore...your girlfriend wasn't likely even considered until that point. This was all about you.

 

Like I said, your story hits close for me due to my own experience with something quite similar.

 

I get that you don't wish to every do something like this again. Get into/continue with IC and learn about yourself. Self-awareness and strong boundaries is key to preventing this type of scenario in the future.

 

It will ultimately be up to your girlfriend to decide if you are worthy of a second chance. All you can do is work to improve yourself and openly share your progress with her--if she is interested.

 

Have you explained your thoughts and feelings to your girlfriend as eloquently as you have done on your threads on LS?

[quankanne]

how I could know what I wanted, say what I wanted, and still act in the exact opposite way. How could I have had such a disconnect between body and mind?

 

because desire overrode will power. That doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who isn't quite ready for a permanent relationship, IMO. My thought is that when you find the person you're committed to, all the other stuff falls by the wayside, and you realize that while you may be attracted to someone who looks good or who is funny or sweet or who "gets you," you really aren't inerested in starting something with that person because you've got everything you need at home. To be fair, people don't get to this stage until they're older and have sown their oats ...

[YellowShark]

How do I know I won't stray? Easy. I have dignity and morals. I follow a code that my promise is my bond and I take great pride in that. It makes me feel good as a man to have honor and be chivalrous.

 

Sure I meet lots of beautiful women who I find sexually and intellectually desirable, but they aren't objects or playthings. And I am confident that I have the willpower and strength not to bend like a wet Ramen noodle.

 

Cheating is an entirely selfish act, and exposes a serious character flaw. And that's just my humble opinion.

[jmargel]

How did the relationship end the first time? You mentioned you two broke up for a few months, why?

 

I don't care what anyone else says but it's impossible to know if you would cheat or not. Once you are so deep into another connection with someone you have the potential to do things that you normally wouldn't do.

 

One mistake doesn't make a person. We are human, we make mistakes. That doesn't mean we don't love the one we are with, just that either something was lacking in the current relationship or the cheater has some emotional issues that have not been dealt with. Whether that be from being abused in the past to immaturity.

 

What is important is that you have been going to counseling and now have the tools you need to reassure yourself that you now know what to look for in regards to boundaries. Most might say it's easy to determine these boundaries but they differ from each person and each couple.

 

You have couples that swing, to couple who are uncomfortable with their SO even giving another opposite sex person a hug. What is important is to discuss these boundaries with her if she comes back to you.

 

You can't reassure her right now, don't even try. To her that is something she is expecting to hear and is a bunch of meaningless words. What you are doing which is great is showing her you want to deal with this issue and get beyond it so that you can move on with her. Keep showing her your good qualities just don't dwell on this situation. Also take care of yourself.

 

Give her space, let her come to you. I suggest trying to go out on 'dates' with her, make her laugh, make her smile. Don't start doing the begging, the 'I love yous', the flowers. That's too much and you will get a bad response from it.

 

At this point approach her like you would a scared cat. Call her to you but don't expect her to come jumping into your arms. She'll have to slowly come to you, to regain the trust.

 

You didn't do this to hurt her, that is something you can tell her. If she asks 'How do you know that you won't do this again?' Use the advice I gave you earlier in this reply.

 

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. It's learning from it is what is important.

[Universe]

I am glad you have taken the time to hash it out here on the boards...trying to understand what you did. I disagree with those posters who say you are excusing what you did, I think you are simply trying to understand. But for some, your trying to reach this understanding is rationalizing your behavior as far as some are concerned. Ignore them if you don't find their input helpful.

Thank you for saying that, Snowflower. I do rationalize things to myself and it's important for me to recognize how I do that. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I'm actually trying to recount the excuses I gave myself at the time. I'm laying out my rationalization process to try and understand and follow it back to the source. Thank you for seeing that.

 

Have you explained your thoughts and feelings to your girlfriend as eloquently as you have done on your threads on LS?

I believe that I have - though not nearly as eloquently. In real life I'm telling her the same things, though there's a lot more crying and breaking down and visual self-disgust.

 

My thought is that when you find the person you're committed to, all the other stuff falls by the wayside, and you realize that while you may be attracted to someone who looks good or who is funny or sweet or who "gets you," you really aren't inerested in starting something with that person because you've got everything you need at home. To be fair, people don't get to this stage until they're older and have sown their oats ...

That might be a better way of putting it than my thread title. Maybe it should have been "How do you know for sure that your oats are sown?" I definitely feel that I am committed to my GF. I wasn't interested in "starting something" with the other woman. But through working in close proximity and achieving shared goals together, something started without my needing to be interested in it. My mistake was feeding it, out of an immature curiosity and arrogant naivete, rather than starving it. (*note - I'm not saying that being immature, curious, arrogant, or naive is an excuse. I'm just saying that I think that is what it was.)

 

How do I know I won't stray? Easy. I have dignity and morals. I follow a code that my promise is my bond and I take great pride in that. It makes me feel good as a man to have honor and be chivalrous.

 

Sure I meet lots of beautiful women who I find sexually and intellectually desirable, but they aren't objects or playthings. And I am confident that I have the willpower and strength not to bend like a wet Ramen noodle.

 

Cheating is an entirely selfish act, and exposes a serious character flaw. And that's just my humble opinion.

It's so alarming for a number of reasons. One reason is that this quote is likely exactly what I would have said before all this happened.

 

I wonder if willpower is not something that you can just enact when it is necessary, but the by-product of a fundamental mode of being. I think I had watched myself, in seemingly harmless ways, exercise a consistent contradiction between my intentions and my reality. So often I disappointed myself by not behaving as I wished I would. I got used to failing myself in little ways. Then a very important decision came along and I was used to contradicting myself so it was the more natural response. I made excuses why it would be ok and let myself off the hook. Then in the aftermath I realized that I could not let myself off the hook this time. This was too great of a contradiction.

 

How did the relationship end the first time? You mentioned you two broke up for a few months, why?

We'd been dating for 5 years and living together for about 2. We were both severely depressed, especially me. I've suffered from depression ever since I was about 11 years old and there's a history of it in my family (My uncle committed suicide when I was turning 8). I didn't know any other way to be. Being depressed was just part of who I was. She and I had a tremendously codependent and symbiotic relationship. It was horrible for both of us. Eventually it led to her falling out of love with me and we broke up. She soon after started sleeping with an older guy and I was completely devastated. I actually posted on here quite a bit and worked through a lot of my issues. I learned how to love myself and got over a lot of the personal issues that caused my depression. I bounced back and grew up a ton. Once I felt like I could be stronger, more fun, and a positive influence on other people I started seeing her as a friend. By now her new relationship was having a tremendously negative effect on her. She was far more depressed with the new guy than she had been with me. I thought I could rescue her (I know - codependent right off the bat - though I thought I could do so in a non-codependent and healthy way). I think I did to an extent. Eventually I made her fall in love with me again and we began dating again. We were very happy (a thousand times healthier and happier than before). But she had developed some pretty major anxiety issues which seem to have been brought on by her abusive childhood. So we ended up getting into a cycle where I would rescue her when she had an anxiety attack and she would rescue me when my depression would act up.

 

For the most part our relationship is genuinely a loving one. Reading Codependent No More I can see the ways in which we're very codependent. But we're also quite healthy and truly loving in a lot of important ways.

 

You have couples that swing, to couple who are uncomfortable with their SO even giving another opposite sex person a hug. What is important is to discuss these boundaries with her if she comes back to you.

This was part of the problem too. When I decided to get back together with her 6 years ago, I did so with the attitude that I would tolerate infidelity on her part - that I loved her for everything she was and was open to her exploring all aspects of her self including her sexuality. She never expressed interest in exploring any other sexual options. But I had that attitude nonetheless because that's truly how I love her. Obviously I wouldn't want to be disrespected and if she did go outside the relationship I would take it as a sign that I was not satisfying her needs. So as long as I satisfied her needs, there would be no need for her to go outside the relationship. So I welcomed all competition. I never got jealous and instead said, "Bring it on!" to all men who thought they could steal her from me.

 

So essentially - I entered into a one-sided open relationship where she was allowed to do whatever she wanted. That was expressed and official. However, she never extended that to me and I never asked for it. There was a sortof informal reciprocal attitude from her, but she never officially said that I was free to explore that. There was a little bit of a misunderstanding about that, but I knew the official line was that I was not permitted to the same open-ness I had granted her. And I was fine with that.

 

The problem is that in all of my rationalizations, I also let myself forget that the open relationship sentiment was only something that I had expressed I was ok with. She had not. And I forgot that I had decided on my own voluntarily to extend that to her without any expectation of receiving the same kind of freedom in return. Instead I got caught up in my rationalization that "Oh - well I love her that much, she should love me that much." I wanted her to show that she had the same unconditional kind of love for me that I had for her. But that was never something that she agreed to. I just projected that on to her.

 

 

All of these comments have been super helpful. I feel I'm really getting on the right track. I don't know if she will come back to me. But we are living together for the time being. We're going to have a joint counseling session next week. I know it's going to be a long road and we will both be stronger for it. I just hope we'll be stronger together rather than apart. I know I'll never find anyone who loves me like she does - and I'm certain I'll never find someone that I love as much as I love her.

[Holding-On]

Hm. Well in my case I know I don't have to worry about "straying" because I never included monogamy as requirement of my relationship.

Problem solved.

[Shandy]

Actually I remember Universe posting on here 6 years ago. I was going through a breakup at the time and your posts helped me through it. Can I ask why you didn't just marry her after 2 or 3 years of getting back together? Does your GF have lots of friends and interests outside of your relationship?

 

The reason I'm asking is, perhaps you strayed because the everyday life with your GF has gotten mundane for you. Maybe you subconsciously crave the excitement of having feelings for someone new. Maybe your GF needs to remain a challenge for you, so that she is always at the forefront of your thoughts, and it is just that little thought of her that can cause the difference between sending the OW home and your predicament now.

[Universe]

Can I ask why you didn't just marry her after 2 or 3 years of getting back together?

I wanted to. But we've been in pretty dire financial straights and neither of us have ever had a stable enough income. We've been together so long and there's always been the understanding that we wanted to marry each other and have kids together. I put it off because I wanted to get her a proper ring. It never occurred to me that I could just get her a ring that reasonably fits my budget now and then upgrade it down the line after I have more money. I wish I would have done that years ago.

 

Does your GF have lots of friends and interests outside of your relationship?

She has lots of friends, though most of her really close friends are now living in other cities. But she's generally very social. She's extremely charming and everyone loves her. It's easy for her to make friends. But lately she hasn't had any that were very close. She has lots of interests outside the relationship. I've always seen both of us as being very independent. I've always know we were codependent in many ways, but still had a lot of independence. Now I'm starting to see that as I've been off doing my thing and exercising my independence, she's been feeling alone and neglected. She has much more of an unhealthy dependence on me than I ever realized before. I've always thought of her as being too good for me. And she is. But taking that fact as a given I think enforced my assumption that she had been having a more healthy independent relationship with herself. Like - if she's too good for me, why would she be wasting her time putting her valuable energy into me rather than into herself? It doesn't make any sense. But that's the problem with codependency issues I guess. They are completely irrational.

 

Yesterday she said that she thinks she's addicted to me. I always knew she loved me. I've been the luckiest man on the planet and I've known that. The girl of my dreams loves me. It's absolutely amazing and wonderful. But I didn't know how unhealthy her relationship to me was for her. I've certainly got a lot of confusing and difficult issues to confront and work out. But she has an unhealthy relationship with herself and has in a way been living vicariously though me. Instead of thinking about herself, she spends most of her time thinking about me. I've always encouraged her to focus on her own career. She's a brilliant writer and a thousand times more talented than I am. She's easily the smartest person I've ever known. I always thought I needed to give her more space so that she could focus on her own work and not get caught up in mine. But now I see that even when I leave her alone and give her space, she still was thinking about me and my career. And it's tragic because she is capable of so much more than I am. She's the star.

 

So there's a lot to work on there.

 

The reason I'm asking is, perhaps you strayed because the everyday life with your GF has gotten mundane for you. Maybe you subconsciously crave the excitement of having feelings for someone new. Maybe your GF needs to remain a challenge for you, so that she is always at the forefront of your thoughts, and it is just that little thought of her that can cause the difference between sending the OW home and your predicament now.

I think all of that was part of it. It's pretty clear at this point that I did what I did out of some sub-conscious desire to create drama and draw attention to myself. I never desired the OW. I had a really intense codependent thing with her where I felt that I owed it to her to take care of her and give her what she needed. I felt like she was my adopted child. I'm recognizing a long history of codependency in all of my friendships. It's a REAL problem for me. I feel like I owe it to people to take care of them. I have a real problem saying no to people and I feel like a bad person or a bad friend if they're not ok.

 

There's so much. I can't wait for my therapy session tomorrow. There's so much to get into. We're also scheduled to do a joint session on Wednesday that I'm looking forward to. There's just so much. And I want so badly for both of us to grow out of these issues. I know they will always be there and it's a lifelong battle. But I just want to get us on the winning side of that battle from here on out. This whole thing has been so tragic. I can't ever allow myself to be so lost ever again. And I can't allow her to lose herself in me ever again.

[AmIWrong]

 

 

Now I know to take it seriously and take the proper steps to shut it down when I see these signs again.

 

 

 

...that's how you know you won't stray again.

 

You didn't know before...now you do, and when you better, you do better. I'd say you can likely trust it won't happen again.

 

Good Luck to you!

[redtail]

New member here...

 

Welcome Omerta, it's always good to see new people!

 

Will I cheat on my wife, I don't want to, but I can't help it.

...

 

I don't want to pick on you about this, but I think this a a completely erroneous statement. Are you saying you have no control over your behavior? If you don't, then who does?

 

Because I know I do have control over my behavior and while this topic has come up many times in different forms, I know I won't stray because I don't allow myself to get into those situations, period. Cheating is a series of choices we make.