dqmommy Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Short story: I moved out this past weekend. We are filing our divorce papers on the 28th. Married 22 years. He is VERY close to my parents who live 2000 miles away. My parents are unaware of the divorce, they are elderly and just do not need the added stress and confusion of knowing that we are split up. My father has just been put into hospice. I will likely need to go back to the East Coast soon to see him one last time and see what moral support I can lend my mother. I do not know how much information to share with the STBX. Sometimes he is receptive to the information I share, sometimes he seems to not care. Things are tenuous at best between us right now due to all the stress of the moving out and filing, and trying to keep the kids stable, so I don't want to add to his full plate, but I think he has always been so close to my parents and would like to know. Do you think it's fair if I just send him text updates when I get updates from my family? I don't expect anything in return, I just think if I was in his shoes I'd want to know.
Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I guess I would treat it like an issue of the children and indirectly it is. After 22 years, it is his family also, at least that's how I feel about my in-laws. Even though right now, I feel alienated. Inform him and ask how he wants to handle it. As for it being a matter of parenting: Do you see yourself traveling home alone or with the children? Doesn't he have a right to know where and why they are there. Or do you see him providing for their care in your absence? Either way it involves the children.
Author dqmommy Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I guess I would treat it like an issue of the children and indirectly it is. After 22 years, it is his family also, at least that's how I feel about my in-laws. Even though right now, I feel alienated. Inform him and ask how he wants to handle it. As for it being a matter of parenting: Do you see yourself traveling home alone or with the children? Doesn't he have a right to know where and why they are there. Or do you see him providing for their care in your absence? Either way it involves the children. I'm travelling alone this time. It's his week with the boys, but I will miss out on part of my weekend with them next weekend. He has my flight itinerary, as do the boys. Everyone is aware of what is going on. I have stopped updating him and will wait for him to ask. He knows my Dad is dying. If he wants to know what the latest is, he can ask. I'm just worried that the missing out on part of my weekend is going to come back to bite me in the butt. But in a situation like this, what do I do?
stepka Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I think the nicest thing to do would be to send text updates or emails to let him know. He'll probably act like he doesn't care, but chances are that he does and this will make you feel better about yourself for doing it.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) dqmommy : This story that you have presented reminds me a lot of a time way back when, the year was 1986, my Mother and Father divorced, all the while my Father's Dad was becoming very ill due to some long term medical issues. My Father, really not being required by any orders of the divorce paperwork or by a Judges gavel, from time to time he would keep my Mother in the loop, with periodic updates with Grand Fathers health. Then in 1988 my Dad's Father passed away, by keeping my Mother, who now lived approx. 250-300 miles away from my Father, in the loop it better made it possible to better talk to my Sister and myself about, due to the fact that she was "in the know". My Mother and Father had been married for almost 18 years, 18 years is a lot of time for one to consider their "in-laws" as members of their own biological family. Just because a Judges gavel fell and a divorce was so ordered, didn't mean my Mother stopped loving her former in-law, the love never stopped, the only thing that was different were the terms and conditions of the family structure. Mother and Father's divorce was not a "nasty" one, it was done very clean and tidy and very professionally. By how the divorce came to be, by keeping it all clean and by everyone involved keeping everyone basically "in the loop", this made it possible for my Mother to attend the funeral and sit side by side with her former in-laws, who at the moment didn't care what the divorce paper work said, at that moment she was their family. I would say, in regards to your situation, it wouldn't hurt to keep your "soon to be ex-Husband" in the loop. For this one thing, your Father health and possible passing, keeping everyone who is close to this siltation might be a good thing, it keeps everyone on the same page of sheet music. Plus as forum member stepka said "this will make you feel better about yourself for doing it." Good luck......and warm thoughts for you and your family during this trying time! Edited September 27, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior
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