bigsteve Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Hello, ok me and my ex-girlfriend have recently split up after a 2 year relationship. We was friends before we started dating, i received a txt from here the other day asking if we was going to stay friends! I Dont know what to say to her, I still like her and i dont know if it'll just be to hard. Has anyone had any experiences?
Ajax Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 The conventional wisdom is that trying to stay friends is hard if not impossible, especially soon after the breakup. The emotions are just to raw and the wounds too new. Some people have said it's easier for women to go to just being friends than it is for guys. I don't know if that's true, but I know there's no way I can just be friends with my ex until I am completely over her. I might still like her and respect her, and she'd no doubt be a great friend, but I also still love her and want more than the friendship aspect. I don't know what happened in your relationship and breakup, but if you're not over her, I think you'd be exposing yourself to too much pain. Not to mention it would keep the hope of getting back together alive in you, while she's already placed you solidly in the friend zone. Good luck. I hope things work out for you whichever you choose.
hardcandy Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I somewhat agree with what the person above wrote. Me personally, I move on. I'm not interested in see them with another guy, and having to act a different way towards her. I guess what I'm saying is once you've been a bf it's hard, if not impossible, to transition back into being just a friend. Even if you can be friends, I think you run the potential risk of future pain when she meets a guy, and he has issues with your friendship. Girls often use the cliche' "they need time and space", I'd use that. Once you no longer care that she's with another guy, and you've moved on, that's when you could possibly be friends again.
fabio10 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Steve, I know your problem my man, my girl was my best mate of 4years before we got together and broke up, now we have tried being friends but you know what our relationship kept coming up again and again, I love her I want her to be happy but I also want myself to be happy I have to be honest with myself as you should be also and admit I'am not ready to be her friend it will only hurt you in the long run until you are over her !
Banega100 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 It doesn't matter what you say, you could just say 'yeah, sure', or 'nope, sorry, not now'. But, don't pursue any kind of friendship with her. She might not be interested in staying your friend herself, and just doesnt want to feel guilty. Either way, you can't be her friend and should avoid her at all costs until you're over it. Your needs are more important than hers at this point
jeff2321 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 My recommendation is don't be friends man. If you have even a shred of feelings for her still, you need to go full NC and stick to your guns. Otherwise you're going to have to sit there and watch her date other people and it will tear you up. I'm going through the same thing and had to go NC. It has been one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, but I know that it is the only way that I'm going to heal and get my life back on track. JEff
brainblox Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Simple, do you want to be around if and when she gets with a next guy ? That's hard going even if your over her, me finks you should tell her that you wish her well and move along !
Template Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 My whole time on this board, and I think this is actually one of THE most difficult questions to answer, because when it comes down to it, it really depends on you, and her. However, I will attempt to answer it from the perspective of the ex's BF. In other words, when I was still with my ex, her best friend was her ex boyfriend. From my personal standpoint, I didn't like that they were as close as they were, however, it wasn't my right to demand that they not be friends. They would talk about their past, good times and bad, and topics I what I thought was inappropriate (He once asked her, "You had my penis before, is it satisfying?" And when he didn't get the same amount of attention from her, because she was giving it to me, he would do stuff so he could - get into a depressive funk, to attempting to commit suicide, to crashing the thanksgiving dinner that was meant for me to get to know her parents. He was a total douche, and to this day I don't know why they continue to be friends (probably because she was a Douche too). Anyways, my point is if you want to be friends, can you truly just be friends. Honestly this would take some thought. Are you willing to walk away and allow your ex to pursue happiness, if she has the opportunity? Some people can, some people can't. Are you the typeo of person that is so co-dependant, that you'll say, "This is MY friend." Obviously this douche bag did, and was often threatened (i'm just on in a long line of ex's), so he did things to make HIS friendship never waned, often at the expense of allowing her to pursue happiness. So what's more important, your friendship, or her happiness?
Sheppy99 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Hello, ok me and my ex-girlfriend have recently split up after a 2 year relationship. We was friends before we started dating, i received a txt from here the other day asking if we was going to stay friends! I Dont know what to say to her, I still like her and i dont know if it'll just be to hard. Has anyone had any experiences? Here's your test steve if you can be friends with her. Could you handle her talking about a new guy she's dating without it killing you inside? If the answer is no than you can't be friends with her. She's going to use you as an emotional tampon to suck the life out of you to move on. She'll use you as her comfort blanket to keep around so she doesn't have to deal with missing you while she heals. Meanwhile you won't be healing at all and one day when she's finally over the relationship, she'll be bringing up new guys because you are now in the friend zone.
Buccaneer55 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I'm going through the exact same thing right now, and my honest answer is no I can't. Me and her were together for 5.5 years, and we've been broken up for almost 2 months now. She likes to check in every couple of days, but I'm done with that part. I know I care about her way more than as a friend, and that I need to just stay completely away from her. Every situation IS different though, and you do have to ask yourself, could you handle being her friend while she was dating someone new? If not you need to stay far away from her, because you'd only be setting yourself up for more hurt. If you can do it, then there's nothing wrong with being her friend, but you have to decide what's best for you.
skydiveaddict Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Hello, ok me and my ex-girlfriend have recently split up after a 2 year relationship. We was friends before we started dating, i received a txt from here the other day asking if we was going to stay friends! I Dont know what to say to her, I still like her and i dont know if it'll just be to hard. Has anyone had any experiences? Say no..........
stillafool Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I don't believe in it. When it's over it's over.
marigo Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Hi bigsteve, I also just got out of a 2 year relationship about 7 months ago. My ex and I are each others' first love and even he broke up with me, i knew it was hard for him to take me out of his life too. For 3 months we tried to be friends, talked to each other everyday, saw each other everyday. I felt like i wasnt able to live a normal life because i was always scared that he'll meet someone new. Also, staying friends with him hurt me so much because things are gonna be so different. FInally before we both left for the summer, i told him that i need to take him out of my life for now until im ready. I think we had an amazing relationship and friendship to just throw it all away. Sadly, 2 days after we left for the summer, he met someone new and i know they became official around august and im still hurting. I saw him today for the first time in 3 months and it was awkward and hard. I keep thinking, if i had stayed friends with him, would he have started dating anyone? Right now, i am contemplating whether or not to have a talk with him because after our first awkward meeting today, he did approach me a few hours later and talked for a bit but it was cut off since we were at work. A part of me feels like i want to be friends with him again but a part of me knows that i cant handle seeing him or talking about his new gf. I know it is not ideal to be friends with an ex. But in my case, since i know we had such great relationship before the break up, that i do think its worth it being friends in the end. BUT not right now, maybe someday when i am completely over him. So i am telling you now that it will be the most difficult thing ur gonna do if you stay friends with her and only you know if you could handle it. I tried and felt like i couldve handled it if it wasnt hurting me too much.
Username37 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Hello, ok me and my ex-girlfriend have recently split up after a 2 year relationship. We was friends before we started dating, i received a txt from here the other day asking if we was going to stay friends! I Dont know what to say to her, I still like her and i dont know if it'll just be to hard. Has anyone had any experiences? We have something similar here my friend. My ex and I have been together for 1.5 years. Broke up 4 months ago (May 16th) and during my NC run she sent me a text saying "when are we gonna be friends again? :(" You want to be lovers, she wants to be friends. **** is not gonna work. Friendship is for her only. You're gonna be hurt and once you find out she has a new man, it's gonna kill you and you have nothing to say because you're her friend. And plus, you'll be a cushion UNTIL she gets a new man. Then after that, you won't be talking anymore. I'm glad I didn't fall for my ex's stupid attempts. She has a new boyfriend now and if I stuck around, I would be a wreck right now. But NC really helped me. Not 100 percent but I'm getting there. Good luck to you
Trovador Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 It's not only a potential new bf... there is other stuff, like going to some place without telling you, doing things without you and generally showing you that your rights and duties towards her are now revoked... that also hurts...
Sonolumino Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 The dumper wants to be friends to get over you faster, and ease into the transition of not having you in their life. The dumpee wants to be friends because he/she is still in love with that person. Don't fall for it. People in your life are seasons, think of it that way.
Eeyore79 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 An ex is an ex is an ex... The above poster is right; the dumper wants to be friends to make the break easier, and the dumpee wants to be friends because they still hope to get back together, so it isn't a true friendship. You can't really move from a relationship to a friendship, because there have been too many deep things between you that can't be erased; your friendship would always be inappropriately deep. Think about the next person you date - I bet they won't be happy with your ex being in your life. One of the reasons I dumped my last bf was because he was friends with his ex and their closeness annoyed me. Even if you try to be friends, at some point one of you will bow out of the friendship because a new partner doesn't like it... either that, or your friendship with your ex will screw up your new relationship. Exes are better left in the past; if you ever hope to move on, you need to cut contact with your ex.
Maverick1983 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I thought I was great when I believed I could be her friend after 8 years because we were such great friends.Boy I was so wrong.If you still have feelings for her it is a minefield of emotions for you with very little room for safety. She won't make alot of time for you because she will embark on her newfound freedom.If she meets someone else you will be crushed and if she is lonely or depressed you will be her shoulder to cry on and that's not good for you. Sometimes exs try to remain as friends to have the best of both worlds because IMO they are too cowardly to let go instead they keep you near so they feel better for not cutting you out completely.If you still feel for her then either ask her back or move on.
BeatrixKiddo Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 (edited) Everyone here is right. As long as you still have feelings for the ex and want to be with them romantically, it's a recipe for disaster. My ex wants to be friends, too, as in to actually spend time together still and watch movies, that sort of thing, however I straight up told him we can be friendly but we cannot be actual friends, at least not right now (if ever) and not as long as I still feel how I do toward him. I know for a fact he's missing me a heck of a lot right now, but that's a consequence of breaking up with someone. I think the main motivator for many dumped people to stay friends with the ex is because they are afraid the ex will lose interest in them, and forget about them. I know I sure felt that way. But, the way I see it is this: they dumped you, so they're making the choice to move on either way, whether you're a friend or not. I think the only time you should allow yourself to be true friends with an ex, is when that's all you're after, an actual friendship, and of course when you've had a lot of time to heal from the breakup. Edited September 25, 2010 by BeatrixKiddo
WhyIOughta Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 This is a hard one, it could be viewed in a few different ways. In my honest opinion it depends on if either of you still have feelings for the other, if there is still feelings of intimacy or anything of that matter, my answer would be no. The reason for that is because when you have a friend, you generally like to talk about what's going on in life, and if you start to date again and the other person has feelings for you(vica-versa) still, then that's just going to cause even more heartbreak and jealously. I've had two serious relationships, the first, we don't even talk anymore(sadly) and the second, he's one of my best friends, and neither of us have emotional feelings toward each other anymore and I don't even find him physically attractive anymore, as odd as it sounds. So, under the right circumstances, yes. Under the wrong ones, it could end in a horrible disaster.
shayan Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 no, no, no gosh darnitt no run for the hills! No friendship no contact no nothing!
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