Fascinating Studdy of Sex amongst Sexless females.....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She said "we". Are you suggesting they were just his issues?

 

 

 

The more I think about this study, the more it frustrates me that it was reported as demonstrating a placebo effect. I've only read the article TDP quoted, but from what I'm reading it does NOT demonstrate a placebo effect, because both groups had the behavioral component of prescribed sex 2x a week. In order to show placebo effect, there would need to be a third group with prescribed sex alone (no placebo, no drug). But maybe they address this in the study, which I've not read. It wouldn't surprise me if the media just misinterpreted the results, though. Happens all the time.

 

Is that it was his issues that prevented her from having sex with him.... Her issues didn't stand in the way of him wanting to have sex with her.... I think this is a pretty common theme.

 

Lot's too missing in the article, like did the actual drug work? Does having sex 2X/wk, which sorry does not sound like a "terrible inconvenience" for couples that love each other result in better sex, and even if not, a happier home life, which really is what we all want, isn't it?

[PandorasBox]

"For you the issues in the marriage made you resent (or not want sex) with him...am I missing something?"

 

It wasn't so much the issues as it was the fact that he didn't put forth any effort to even try. Everyone has issues, I think thats a given, but to not even try, that says to ME maybe to them the marriage isn't worth working on.(Which made me feel loved and desired, not) This went on for awhile and I held out in hopes things would change that he would try. He never did, so I chose to not live like that anymore. I wasn't going to go through a marriage any longer where someone wasn't going to try but yet expected me to continue to give to them. Sorry.

[redtail]

...

Everyone has issues, I think thats a given, but to not even try, that says to ME maybe to them the marriage isn't worth working on

...

 

Very profound and very true. I am in a low sex marriage but I have to say I am not necessarily dissatisfied since my wife trys hard. For that, I give her a lot of credit. We communicate, we attempt to address issues and we foster and maintain a good relationship outside the bedroom.

 

Although, I too do the laundry, cooking (I like to cook), shopping, etc. And I too admit that even I didn't realize that I was doing these things with the expectataion of more sex. Awareness is a good thing...

[xxoo]

Is that it was his issues that prevented her from having sex with him.... Her issues didn't stand in the way of him wanting to have sex with her.... I think this is a pretty common theme.

 

That one is easy to explain:

 

In longterm relationships, many women need to feel close in order to have sex. The exception may be when ovulating (sexual hunger overpowers emotional distance), which I am increasingly convinced explains the "great sex once a month" issue.

 

Many men, otoh, need sex to feel close. And, even if the sex DOESN't result in feeling close, they still want the sex

 

Lot's too missing in the article, like did the actual drug work? Does having sex 2X/wk, which sorry does not sound like a "terrible inconvenience" for couples that love each other result in better sex, and even if not, a happier home life, which really is what we all want, isn't it?

 

Yes, the full article would be interesting to read. I'd like to know the results from the drug group.

 

It is frustrating, though, that if their was no control group to determine true placebo effect, the conclusions of the media article are completely wrong.

 

Having prescribed sex is a known and utilized therapy. It definitely helps many couples, but, as this study showed, not all. Girlfriend to girlfriend, this is often advice that women share with each other: "Just do it. Have more sex. The more you have, the more you'll want." And it often works.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Very profound and very true. I am in a low sex marriage but I have to say I am not necessarily dissatisfied since my wife trys hard. For that, I give her a lot of credit. We communicate, we attempt to address issues and we foster and maintain a good relationship outside the bedroom.

 

Although, I too do the laundry, cooking (I like to cook), shopping, etc. And I too admit that even I didn't realize that I was doing these things with the expectataion of more sex. Awareness is a good thing...

 

that you realize that cooking and cleaning is done to some extent with the expectation of sex (as is buying an extravagant gift, or planning a romantic evening)..... I hate when people here deny this......

 

But what interests me is you state your wife trys hard, and I have no idea what that means? Trys hard to get in the mood to have sex?

 

Again very confusing and sounds sad to me.....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

That one is easy to explain:

 

In longterm relationships, many women need to feel close in order to have sex. The exception may be when ovulating (sexual hunger overpowers emotional distance), which I am increasingly convinced explains the "great sex once a month" issue.

 

Many men, otoh, need sex to feel close. And, even if the sex DOESN't result in feeling close, they still want the sex

 

 

 

Yes, the full article would be interesting to read. I'd like to know the results from the drug group.

 

It is frustrating, though, that if their was no control group to determine true placebo effect, the conclusions of the media article are completely wrong.

 

Having prescribed sex is a known and utilized therapy. It definitely helps many couples, but, as this study showed, not all. Girlfriend to girlfriend, this is often advice that women share with each other: "Just do it. Have more sex. The more you have, the more you'll want." And it often works.

 

Years and years ago and frankly I forgot about it for the most part, we did have some therapy. Nothing bad at all came out of it whatsoever. At the end my wife was told (I was not there) by the therapist "Well there are no real issues, you should just have more sex with your husband to make him happy"..... Or something to that affect....

 

Let me tell you the last thing anyone can do is tell my wife to do something..... She does not react well and probably intensified her resolve not to heed a thing the therapist said.....

 

The rest is history.....

[giotto]

I think some us men have just to accept that we have a low sex drive wife and get on with it. Personally, I have one , and I have tried everything, so it's either take it or leave it now. I'm still here, not entirely happy, but this is life... I might buy a nice car instead...

if I will be here forever is another question...

[Woggle]

Did you communicate exactly what issues you had and how to work on them? Many women have this vague unhappiness that a man doesn't have the slightest clue how to solve so he stops even trying then the woman gets resentful because she feels he is not even trying.

[PandorasBox]

Did you communicate exactly what issues you had and how to work on them? Many women have this vague unhappiness that a man doesn't have the slightest clue how to solve so he stops even trying then the woman gets resentful because she feels he is not even trying.

 

 

If you are asking me Woggle, the answer is yes. He knew, he even told me before that he knew what he needed to do and/or work on. It was all clear. He also knew what my issues were and what I needed to do and/or work on. Yeah, sometimes people don't always know what the issues might be, however, sometimes they do, and then when they make the choice to not even try after they know, to me that says alot. My resentment was more not about the actual issues themselves but about knowing and not trying.

[Woggle]

What exactly were the issues?

[PandorasBox]

Well we both had issues from our past. His has alot more to do with unresolved issues from his childhood. And even though we might all have those, once again as an adult its a choice to seek help or not and try to work on things etc. BOTH of our issues combined were anything from, no coping skills, to poor or very little communication, entitlement issues, passive aggressive behaviors, substance abuse, etc.

[xxoo]

Years and years ago and frankly I forgot about it for the most part, we did have some therapy. Nothing bad at all came out of it whatsoever. At the end my wife was told (I was not there) by the therapist "Well there are no real issues, you should just have more sex with your husband to make him happy"..... Or something to that affect....

 

Let me tell you the last thing anyone can do is tell my wife to do something..... She does not react well and probably intensified her resolve not to heed a thing the therapist said.....

 

The rest is history.....

 

It wouldn't work for everyone, but it certainly won't work if she's unwilling to even try!

 

But why wouldn't she try? What is keeping her from trying something so simple for a few weeks, on a trial basis, in effort to improve your marriage? Why? There has to be a reason, and it isn't low libido.

[JackJack]

It wouldn't work for everyone, but it certainly won't work if she's unwilling to even try!

 

But why wouldn't she try? What is keeping her from trying something so simple for a few weeks, on a trial basis, in effort to improve your marriage? Why? There has to be a reason, and it isn't low libido.

 

I 100% agree. I also agree its not always about low libido. It makes me wonder if those who do not try after all is said and done, if they have just simply checked out of the marriage, and are really no longer interested in putting forth much effort to salvage anything.

[Woggle]

I really think that many women after marriage make it their mission to become as difficult as possible. Maybe they think they are asserting themselves or taking a stand. I in no way condone cheating behind a woman's back but I see very little wrong with telling a woman that if she won't give it then you will get it elsewhere. Why should a man have to live like a catholic priest?

[JackJack]

"I really think that many women after marriage make it their mission to become as difficult as possible."

 

BS! I'm glad I do not have a mindset like this. :rolleyes Maybe with bitter mindsets like that, is WHY some people don't get it from their wives.

 

 

 

 

"I in no way condone cheating behind a woman's back but I see very little wrong with telling a woman that if she won't give it then you will get it elsewhere."

 

Sounds like a threat, and not productive. I guess some don't mind to get pity sex (if they don't get any or often, I guess its better than nothing) So if you tell the wife they better or you'll get it elsewhere, wow when or if she does give it to you, must make you feel good to know it was all because of your threat. Oh and by the way, a woman has just as much right then to say, "If you don't start meeting my needs emotionally, then I'm going to find it elsewhere!" And yeah, some do, just like those that physically cheat do as well, man or woman.

 

"Why should a man have to live like a catholic priest?"

 

They shouldn't have to. So if things are simply NOT working and all is falling of deaf ears no matter what you do or say, then thats when you get out of the situation. Set yourself free and her. Or you stay in it and make peace with it, or you keep complianing how you don't understand why you're not getting it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I 100% agree. I also agree its not always about low libido. It makes me wonder if those who do not try after all is said and done, if they have just simply checked out of the marriage, and are really no longer interested in putting forth much effort to salvage anything.

 

My wife has issues, but is really a very good loving person. We do not have a bad sex life I keep convincing myself, just no where near the one I want. I am not depressed, and certainly at times reading LS I think how lucky I am compared to others here and in other sections. Other times I read here and do feel I am missing a whole lot....

 

We have a good marriage and genuinely like being with each other. She just has hangups about sex (and she was the one with a past) and about power struggles, which means having sex 2X's/wk because I want it (and yes she will enjoy it), just does not work and it goes way beyond sex.

 

Though she does not read any of this, I tell her vignettes and I just cringe and feel terrible for some people writing here and their issues.

 

Trust me there are maybe only 3-4 people on LS I'd like to trade places with.....:laugh:

[JackJack]

"I keep telling you it really is not that bad at all"....

 

 

I think thats great. Just don't bang your head against the wall and try so hard to make sense of it all. I think its gonna be ok.

[redtail]

...

But what interests me is you state your wife trys hard, and I have no idea what that means? Trys hard to get in the mood to have sex?

 

Again very confusing and sounds sad to me.....

 

Yes, she does, she tries to be loving even when the loving feeling isn't there. She tries to understand my need for physical intimacy though that need is not strong in her. So we even though the intimacy is not what I'd like, she meets me somehere in the middle and does the best she can. That goes a long way with me, since she hasn't abandoned my feelings as some have mentioned their wives have done when their libido drops.

[giotto]

But why wouldn't she try? What is keeping her from trying something so simple for a few weeks, on a trial basis, in effort to improve your marriage?

 

 

sorry, xxoo... something so simple? I don't think you ever lived with somebody with BIG issues...

[Honorable_Venerable]

Everyone has issues, I think thats a given, but to not even try, that says to ME maybe to them the marriage isn't worth working on.

 

Or gives you a sense of your own relative importance. Either way:

1) you don't feel good;

2) this is a very profound, significant statement, phrased very effectively. I'd like to borrow it, if you don't mind.

 

Thanks for providing this.

[Honorable_Venerable]

I think some us men have just to accept that we have a low sex drive wife and get on with it. Personally, I have one , and I have tried everything, so it's either take it or leave it now. I'm still here, not entirely happy, but this is life... I might buy a nice car instead...

if I will be here forever is another question...

 

As the saying is, "It isn't a buyer's market...":eek:

[Woggle]

Getting it from somewhere else might be a threat but it works where I have seen it applied. It makes a woman jealous and lets her know there is competition which increases her attraction. Why do you think MM have such an easier time getting a date than a single man? It is because they already have a woman which makes them more desirable. If a man can easily go out and get laid from somebody else then that lets his wife know he is desirable.

[JackJack]

Getting it from somewhere else might be a threat but it works where I have seen it applied. It makes a woman jealous and lets her know there is competition which increases her attraction. Why do you think MM have such an easier time getting a date than a single man? It is because they already have a woman which makes them more desirable. If a man can easily go out and get laid from somebody else then that lets his wife know he is desirable.

 

 

Its possible to, that if a woman does give in on a threat for sex, then she is more likely to do so from lack of self esteem. Hey if it makes you feel good to get sex based on a bullying tactic then go for it. "My man threatens me, and I comply!" They both sound like winners.

[mem11363]

W,

I actually don't think that a typical woman's marital mission is to be as difficult as possible. I DO think their mission is to gain control/total control of the relationship. If you let them succeed, the relationship is destroyed. Because even though they "want" total control, if they get it they become deathly bored and depressed. AND they lose respect / desire for their partner.

 

I have only twice had to have the conversation where I say: "I am perfectly fine taking on a lover, if you wish to take a break sexually". Works better than catnip.

 

Many women love nothing better than the "struggle" to take control. They don't actually want to win.

 

 

I really think that many women after marriage make it their mission to become as difficult as possible. Maybe they think they are asserting themselves or taking a stand. I in no way condone cheating behind a woman's back but I see very little wrong with telling a woman that if she won't give it then you will get it elsewhere. Why should a man have to live like a catholic priest?

[jamesum]

Women are very lucky.

 

I wish I had naturally low testosterone.