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Fascinating Studdy of Sex amongst Sexless females.....

Toodamnpragmatic

By Toodamnpragmatic
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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Wow sounds like those of you that do "everything" and still there is no sex or lack there of, makes you really wonder why that is. After all, I would think those who do everything and then some would really be getting it. However, I really think there is a deeper issue going on for why they still are not. Only the spouse not giving it would know I suppose. So perhaps either they have NOT told you why, or they have and you keep missing the point. I bet its already been explained on the boards here WHY, but it probably went ignored.

 

Since when did a man doing 'everything' around the house (which I assume is what you meant) equate to getting sex? :confused: If that's what you guys think then no wonder you're confused.

 

Personally, I don't hold any store by these ridiculous 'scientific' studies (hence my less than serious first response). There are waaayyy too many variables to get any sort of quantifiable evidence of anything. Just the fact that these people were being studied by 'professional' scientists is enough to skew the results.

 

They may have chosen couples who had 'no other issues' besides lack of sex in the marriage but, if we discount the women with hormonal 'problems' which result in decreased libido, you guys can kid yourselves all you like, if your partner doesn't want sex it is 99% likely to be something to do with your relationship. (Please note I said your relationship NOT you).

 

If she's post menopausal, or has never had a high/normal sex drive, then obviously that's not about you and there's zero you can do about it unless she's willing to work with you or get help from the doctor.

 

It does sometimes surprise me that women in this group don't choose to give their husbands sex just to make them happy - regardless of what they get out of it, especially if the guy does all the work.

 

However, when I think about the times that I don't feel like sex (admittedly very rare :laugh:), I can understand to a degree. My partner can be loving and caring, we're getting on great and I feel warm and close to him but if I'm feeling ill or exhausted I'm not interested. It doesn't matter if he's happy to do all the work, or that is might result in a mind blowing orgasm (assuming I can keep my head in the right place) just being touched sexually is irritating because I don't want to be aroused at those times. I suppose my brain is most concerned with other physiological needs which override everything else - sleep and physical recovery.

 

This 'no sex' feeling I'm talking about is the polar opposite to when I am ovulating (for instance) and I'm, for want of a better word, rampant :laugh:. To try and put myself in the place of a 'hormonally not interested' woman and imagine that I had this 'no sex' feeling most of the time, I think, no matter how much I loved my partner and wanted to see his needs met, I would struggle to 'give in' to sex too often.

 

To help you guys to understand - can you imagine that the only way you could please your woman was to do something you found distasteful. (I know most of you are complete animals so this might be a stretch :D). Substitute 'distasteful' for 'painful' if it helps. How often would you want to do it then?

 

I agree with everything YGG has said and I too have found my libido is much higher in my 40s than it was in my 20s or 30s. It is starting to worry me somewhat when I read about post menopausal women losing interest. I know some of my older girlfriends say they're no longer interested - I suppose there's no reproductive purpose to having sex when you can no longer have children?

 

Fingers crossed it doesn't happen to me, but I've decided if it does I'm going to ask for testosterone injections - I'll steal them if I have to! :laugh:

You Go Girl Established Member

You Go Girl

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It is starting to worry me somewhat[/b] when I read about post menopausal women losing interest. I know some of my older girlfriends say they're no longer interested - I suppose there's no reproductive purpose to having sex when you can no longer have children?

 

Fingers crossed it doesn't happen to me, but I've decided if it does I'm going to ask for testosterone injections - I'll steal them if I have to! :laugh:

 

You and me both. I really don't want to become some kind of asexual being. I hear of it happening, and wonder how much is mindset, and how much it is simply physical and there's just no turning the knob to on mode.

 

Those testosterone injections--can't wait to see you with a beard! :p

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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You and me both. I really don't want to become some kind of asexual being. I hear of it happening, and wonder how much is mindset, and how much it is simply physical and there's just no turning the knob to on mode.

 

Those testosterone injections--can't wait to see you with a beard! :p

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: Sh*t - I hadn't thought of that!

JackJack Established Member

JackJack

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"Since when did a man doing 'everything' around the house (which I assume is what you meant) equate to getting sex?"

 

Because its been said on here before that people, say But I do everything" and still don't get any sex, or my spouse is still not interested etc after ALL I do.

 

As a matter of fact here is one of the parts where it was mentioned, on page 1.

 

"We have had endless posts from males claiming they do everything and then some and get none though their spouses like sex..

Edited by JackJack
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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
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"Since when did a man doing 'everything' around the house (which I assume is what you meant) equate to getting sex?"

 

Because its been said on here before that people, say But I do everything" and still don't get any sex, or my spouse is still not interested etc after ALL I do.

 

As a matter of fact here is one of the parts where it was mentioned, on page 1.

 

"We have had endless posts from males claiming they do everything and then some and get none though their spouses like sex..

 

In addition to filling their emotional needs..... Face it, it is like walking through a mine field and one misstep and you are toast......:laugh:

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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"Since when did a man doing 'everything' around the house (which I assume is what you meant) equate to getting sex?"

 

Because its been said on here before that people, say But I do everything" and still don't get any sex, or my spouse is still not interested etc after ALL I do.

 

As a matter of fact here is one of the parts where it was mentioned, on page 1.

 

"We have had endless posts from males claiming they do everything and then some and get none though their spouses like sex..

 

It's a more complicated dynamic than "contract sex", where the H does the dishes in order to get laid. If the W doesn't feel H is pulling his weight, resentment is probably going to build up that kills his attractiveness in her eyes, but even that is probably an oversimplification.

So perhaps doing more stuff around the house will prevent further resentment from building, it's unlikely that the turnaround will be quick; women tend to hold on to resentments longer than men in my experience.

 

But this sort of thing is only one of many ways attraction can die off. One of the biggest ones, in my opinion, is trying too hard to please your wife and submerging yourself in the process. So welcome to that fine line you're trying to walk.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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Now I'm in my late 40's and prefer my increased libido to those pre-35 years old days when I could have cared less if I only 'got some' every 3 months. I was in mommy mode. Guess what, I was a darn good one too.

Priorities!

 

YGG, I'm sure you were a great mommy :)

 

But I take issue with the idea that "mommy" should take priority over "partner/lover" to the point that the partner gets pushed aside and neglected. Yes, priorities....but at some point (usually right around 9 pm), I tell my children "I didn't ask if you're tired. We've attended to you all day. Now you need to go to bed so that your dad and I can have some time for each other."

 

To me, that is having AND modeling healthy priorities.

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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YGG, I'm sure you were a great mommy :)

 

But I take issue with the idea that "mommy" should take priority over "partner/lover" to the point that the partner gets pushed aside and neglected. Yes, priorities....but at some point (usually right around 9 pm), I tell my children "I didn't ask if you're tired. We've attended to you all day. Now you need to go to bed so that your dad and I can have some time for each other." To me, that is having AND modeling healthy priorities.

 

Very impressive! :bunny:

 

No wonder your marriage is so healthy. Have you ever considered becoming a marriage counsellor?

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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"Since when did a man doing 'everything' around the house (which I assume is what you meant) equate to getting sex?"

 

Because its been said on here before that people, say But I do everything" and still don't get any sex, or my spouse is still not interested etc after ALL I do.

 

As a matter of fact here is one of the parts where it was mentioned, on page 1.

 

"We have had endless posts from males claiming they do everything and then some and get none though their spouses like sex..

 

That's just my point. If any men are seriously thinking that doing stuff around the house will score them 'sex points' they are sadly mistaken.

 

There are women who might do this but I, for one, see no correlation, whatsoever, between a guy doing housework and being rewarded with sex.

 

Housework needs doing. Assuming the wife is not sitting around on her backside all day, there's no reason why the husband shouldn't do it or at least help out. No brownie points from me.

 

It's been mentioned many times on here but have you guys read 'The Five Love Languages'? Maybe you think you're scoring points when you're actually using the wrong scoreboard. Check what your wife's scoring system is before you waste time getting top marks for something that doesn't even compute on her radar?

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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Very impressive! :bunny:

 

No wonder your marriage is so healthy. Have you ever considered becoming a marriage counsellor?

 

Thanks! :)

 

It is really important to me that my H and I set and an example for our children of caring for ourselves, and our relationship, in addition to caring for them. I want them to grow up to have healthy relationships of their own!

 

And, yes, I have dreams of being a mc.....:o

JackJack Established Member

JackJack

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Resentment is a killer in any relationship, of any kind! My wife once told me, if she ever harbored any resentments towards me, chances are the physical side would be the first to go. I'm just sayin'.

Feelin Frisky Established Member

Feelin Frisky

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This tends to confirm my thematic assertion in many posts I've made on LS that one needs to be careful what one tells oneself, he or she might just believe it. The placebo effect in this instance seems to have given women grounds to tell themselves something different than what they WERE telling themselves. And thus stumbling blocks they perceived were removed--not by medicine but by mere belief in it.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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It is really important to me that my H and I set and an example for our children of caring for ourselves, and our relationship, in addition to caring for them. I want them to grow up to have healthy relationships of their own!

 

I concur, and was fortunate to have such parents. The only lacking area was guiding me in the ways and means to choose a compatible partner. I had the role-modeling but the teaching was insufficient so I chose wrong.

 

To me, the precept of the OP is much like the precept of successful MC. If one *wants* it (whatever 'it' is) to work, one can change one's own behaviors and, over time, elemental perspectives to facilitate that. The women voluntarily participated, so they must've 'wanted' something. The mind is a powerful organ for change.

 

I can identify with some women's feelings of emotional distance and concurrent lack of desire. I respect that. With a willing partner, it's not insurmountable. Intimacy, IMO, is a powerful aphrodisiac. Perhaps, as a result of the study process, the successful women reconnected with an important part of their psychology which drove desire. Could they have achieved that without a 'wonder drug' (or, placebo)? Unknown. Regardless, I hope they achieved what they wanted. The alternative (divorce) is not one I'd recommend to anyone.

giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted

 

Housework needs doing. Assuming the wife is not sitting around on her backside all day, there's no reason why the husband shouldn't do it or at least help out. No brownie points from me.

 

And it shouldn't be. I don't think anybody is doing it to get sex... today, I got the children ready for school (ironing uniforms, breakfast, lunchboxes) worked 8 hours, cleaned both bathrooms (they needed doing), cooked the children's supper, took the dog for a walk, did some shopping and cooked the wife's meal when she got back from work (15 minutes ago)... it just needed doing and no, I'm not expecting sex for that. I've always done it and I'm fine with it... maybe some men expect the wives to do everything, but I wasn't brought up like that. I do resent it in a way when women think that men do their share at home because they want sex. Not all men are chauvinist pigs, you know? :D

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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This is why men should not marry. If a man is single and a woman stops wanting to do it then he can just find another one but if he is married then what options does he have?

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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So divorce your poor wife already and quit your whining. :rolleyes:

 

I am only telling it like it is.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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I read giotto's post and the phrase 'I feel unappreciated' comes to mind. I felt unappreciated long enough and then, after expressing that emotion to no avail, detached and had an affair. Bad choice to be sure, but the emotional state which led up to it was/is entirely valid. Today, if faced with the same dynamic, at the point where I prior chose an affair, I'd simply call my lawyer and have him execute the divorce in accordance with the pre-nup. Why waste time and life away on such fodder? Never again.

allina Established Member

allina

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I am only telling it like it is.

 

In your imagination mostly! Now shut it and go cook dinner for you wife :p

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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In your imagination mostly! Now shut it and go cook dinner for you wife :p

 

We are eating out tonight. I do sometimes regret marrying her though.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
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And it shouldn't be. I don't think anybody is doing it to get sex... today, I got the children ready for school (ironing uniforms, breakfast, lunchboxes) worked 8 hours, cleaned both bathrooms (they needed doing), cooked the children's supper, took the dog for a walk, did some shopping and cooked the wife's meal when she got back from work (15 minutes ago)... it just needed doing and no, I'm not expecting sex for that. I've always done it and I'm fine with it... maybe some men expect the wives to do everything, but I wasn't brought up like that. I do resent it in a way when women think that men do their share at home because they want sex. Not all men are chauvinist pigs, you know? :D

 

and now while now getting the so-called rewrd (pat on the head), the mood should be lightened and better for the weekend.... Does it work???? Probably not.... Conversely though we will hear how tired women are after doing all that.... You had a tough day.... You too tired for sex Giotto?????

carhill Established Member

carhill

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We are eating out tonight. I do sometimes regret marrying her though.

Wogs, could you clarify, as I feel there is a distinction......Do you regret being *married to* her, or do you regret *being with* her? In either case, I'm sorry you feel that way. My takeaway on your W is that she's a good woman.

allina Established Member

allina

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We are eating out tonight. I do sometimes regret marrying her though.

 

I was just joking in my post. I'm bored at work goofing off on LS.

 

That is awful that you sometimes feel that way, it makes me sad for both of you. It seems like negative threads like this one bring those feelings out in you, not anything that is actually your wife's fault :(

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
And it shouldn't be. I don't think anybody is doing it to get sex... today, I got the children ready for school (ironing uniforms, breakfast, lunchboxes) worked 8 hours, cleaned both bathrooms (they needed doing), cooked the children's supper, took the dog for a walk, did some shopping and cooked the wife's meal when she got back from work (15 minutes ago)... it just needed doing and no, I'm not expecting sex for that. I've always done it and I'm fine with it... maybe some men expect the wives to do everything, but I wasn't brought up like that. I do resent it in a way when women think that men do their share at home because they want sex. Not all men are chauvinist pigs, you know? :D

 

:laugh: No, giotto, I know all men aren't chauvinist pigs (I'm sure you're a lovely guy ;))....... but somebody was implying earlier that they did 'everything' around the house and 'still didn't get any'. The implication being that they should 'get some' because of 'everything' they had done. I'm just pointing out that the two are not related, at least not in my book.

 

Until I read this thread it had never occurred to me than men could/did make that connection as it's never been an issue in my relationships - not one that I've been made aware of anyway. :D

soserious1 Established Member

soserious1

Posted
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and now while now getting the so-called rewrd (pat on the head), the mood should be lightened and better for the weekend.... Does it work???? Probably not.... Conversely though we will hear how tired women are after doing all that.... You had a tough day.... You too tired for sex Giotto?????

 

Careful reading of Giotto's post shows that while he was busy doing all of this his wife was at work, not lying on her arse eating chocolates.

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
and now while now getting the so-called rewrd (pat on the head), the mood should be lightened and better for the weekend.... Does it work???? Probably not.... Conversely though we will hear how tired women are after doing all that.... You had a tough day.... You too tired for sex Giotto?????

 

Just curious TDP, why do you feel the mood should be lightened because the housework got done, and why do you expect a reward for doing it? Do you reward your wife when she does all the housework? I don't get it!

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