Told my new love interest of my previous "bunny boiling" ways - have I lost him too?

[aussiegirl66]

Hi everyone

 

I am back and not determined to repeat the mistakes of the past so in an email last night from my new flame, I decided to confess what I did with a previous guy and there is an lengthy trail about this on here...how I reacted when he wouldn't respond to my emails, how I boiled his bunny by telling his wife and hurting him that and how I have to live with those consequences of what I may have done to his marriage and his wife for the rest of my life. I thought I owed it to this guy because he was honest about where he stood and I didn't want him to mistrust me.

 

Have I done the wrong thing by being too honest? Is he now gonna be damn scared that when he calls it off with me I will retaliate?

 

Please advise, I thought it was the unselfish thing to do was to tell him.

[Silly_Girl]

How did HE react?

[aussiegirl66]

Silly Girl..I am not sure yet, I haven't checked my email for a response and I am really really scared, but accepted that if he wanted nothing more to do with me, I would understand. I am only scared that he would respond just to 'keep me sweet' not to dob on him and I don't wanna go there ever again.

[Silly_Girl]

Ah. You did it remotely... So he's married too??

[TaraMaiden]

Oh good lord.... lather rinse repeat....

 

Why have affairs with married men, may I ask?

 

This isn't a judgemental question.

I'm just curious as to why you're turning this into a habit.....

[Ms. Red]

It depends on how honest you were & if you gave him the full story. Did you divulge the full extent of your actions including the mental health aspect? Did you include the fact that you & past MM never even had a relationship past the first meeting in a public place?

 

Perhaps you could clarify what info you gave to your new flame about your previous guy. Then we would have more to go on.

[JamieA]

Oh good lord.... lather rinse repeat....

 

Why have affairs with married men, may I ask?

 

This isn't a judgemental question.

I'm just curious as to why you're turning this into a habit.....

 

You could ask that of anyone who posts on here.

 

This is the place for those to come & discuss their affairs. It isn't a place to be questioned why they are in an affair.

[greengoddess]

So are you trying to keep him through fear? He won't dump you for fear you will tell his wife?

[greengoddess]

You could ask that of anyone who posts on here.

 

This is the place for those to come & discuss their affairs. It isn't a place to be questioned why they are in an affair.

 

Yes but most people "fall" into an affair and get burnt the first time and learn their lesson and never go back for a second affair.

[JamieA]

Yes but most people "fall" into an affair and get burnt the first time and learn their lesson and never go back for a second affair.

 

And? Your point is?

[Silly_Girl]

Yes but most people "fall" into an affair and get burnt the first time and learn their lesson and never go back for a second affair.

 

That's fair I think, and often forgotten. The ones that do go back have a fair idea of what's in store. That's why the OP confused me slightly.

[TaraMaiden]

The point is having serial affairs is not all that usual, and i was genuinely wondering why people do it, if all it seems to bring is uncertainty, jealousy, heartbreak and ultimately a completely unsatisfactory and largely unfulfilled life.

 

That the point.

And I am not here to judge or criticise. I really am asking why do it, if this is the result.....

[greengoddess]

And? Your point is?

 

YOUR POINT IS? Affair DISCUSSION is not all cheeerleading an affair on. This is a woman who has had previous affairs which have ended horribly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing why she would want to do this again. She needs to examine her motivations and asking questions may help her do that.

 

So what support have you offered her or are you just here to admonish people?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What possessed you to give him that information. What did you hope to achieve. What consequences do you think you will have for the rest of your life for ruining someone elses marriage?

[Mimolicious]

I don't think there was anything wrong with being honest. I do hope that you didn't sugar-coat it and in fact were truly honest. Our past actions don't necessarily have to be our future (if we learned anything from them) when they are it's called "pattern behavior".

 

What's really intriguing, you said this:

 

Silly Girl..I am not sure yet, I haven't checked my email for a response and I am really really scared, but accepted that if he wanted nothing more to do with me, I would understand. I am only scared that he would respond just to 'keep me sweet' not to dob on him and I don't wanna go there ever again.

 

You don't want to "go there" as in flipping your wig on the dude? Or you don't want to "go there" as in being in this type of R?

Take a deep look. Make the connection... by involving yourself in these kind of R's, your possibilities of "bunny boiling" have a greater chance.

 

I think you may be looking at your issues backwards.

[TaraMaiden]

I have to say, I think that's an unfair question.

 

It takes 2 to tango.

She wouldn't be "ruining someone else's marriage" if that 'someone else' wasn't a willing conspirator in ruining it.

[2sure]

To answer the OP questoin:

 

Yes, I would think that since you are married...and guessing that your new love is also married

 

That telling him about the drama you inflicted just a short time ago upon the last married man you were interested in when your interest was not reciprocated....I would say yes: He will be concerned.

[Sham WOW]

To answer the OP questoin:

 

Yes, I would think that since you are married...and guessing that your new love is also married

 

That telling him about the drama you inflicted just a short time ago upon the last married man you were interested in when your interest was not reciprocated....I would say yes: He will be concerned.

I HOPE he is concerned!

 

Maybe he should be?

[Circular]

As a MM who got into one of these tangled messes. One of the biggest factors in the A starting and taking on a life of it's own was the development of mutual trust. Most of our lives we meet people, maybe we flirt or have conversations that are 'edgy' but we think nothing of it, there's usually no connection or there's no isolated time to build a trust-bond with someone we might think is 'attractive'. Why do most A's happen in the workplace? We get a lot of time with that person, and getting isolated time can be easily negotiated under the terms of 'business lunch' or whatever... been there, done that.

 

Put that together with all the sociological factors and the trust piece becomes one of the most critical components of an A. Usually each person slowly raises the stakes in the back and forth and tests the other persons boundaries until we reach a point of mutual confidence that escalating to the next level seems 'ok' (I'm talking more subconscious rather than conscious here). Each stage once comes to terms with the risks and decides for themselves is the risk worth it.... (no, its not... but that's 20/20 for you)

 

Point is, you sent a letter that shows you're fully capable of violating the trust-pact. I don't think there's a bigger red-flag, I'd have run to the hills, changed my email address and turned to a ghost. Sure, you're being honest, honesty is a good thing but in an odd way your honesty also shows you have a propensity to say more than probably is needed, more of an off-the-cuff approach to life, unpredictable, which is very unsettling to a MM.

[Brokenlady]

AG,

Have you done anything at all to help yourself? Cause it looks from the outside that all you're doing is repeating EXTREMELY dysfunctional behavior. If you want different results, you have to act differently. That means you need to stay in your marriage or divorce. If you finally find yourself free to date other men, stop dating marraied ones. And either way, you need to figure out what the root cause of your deep issues are and resolve them.

[JAGeezer]

YOUR POINT IS? Affair DISCUSSION is not all cheeerleading an affair on. This is a woman who has had previous affairs which have ended horribly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing why she would want to do this again. She needs to examine her motivations and asking questions may help her do that.

 

So what support have you offered her or are you just here to admonish people?

 

 

In the Twelve Step Program of recovery from addiction they have a definition of insanity that I happen to like and agree with. That being that insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and over and expecting different results.

 

JAG

[Ellin]

Hi everyone

 

I am back and not determined to repeat the mistakes of the past so in an email last night from my new flame, I decided to confess what I did with a previous guy and there is an lengthy trail about this on here...how I reacted when he wouldn't respond to my emails, how I boiled his bunny by telling his wife and hurting him that and how I have to live with those consequences of what I may have done to his marriage and his wife for the rest of my life. I thought I owed it to this guy because he was honest about where he stood and I didn't want him to mistrust me.

 

Have I done the wrong thing by being too honest? Is he now gonna be damn scared that when he calls it off with me I will retaliate?

 

Please advise, I thought it was the unselfish thing to do was to tell him.

 

I think you might have been too honest. It's good being honest, but there are things that are better left unsaid.

 

We don't have to tell our love interest every embarrassing detail of our past.

 

Why did you feel you had to tell him? Are you consumed by guilt over your "bunny boiling" episode and you tried to redeem yourself by confessing or something?

 

I think it's enough if you regret doing it and are not planning a repeat. If you owe anything to anyone it's the person you have hurt, but not someone unconnected with the incident, unless you're afraid you can do it again and are trying to warn him....

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't know if you have lost him or not, but I can say that in his shoes I'd probably disappear and work on some preemptive damage control in case you decided to get vindictive on me as well.

 

That sort of thing tends to scare people who are married and want an affair but not a divorce.

[ladydesigner]

As a MM who got into one of these tangled messes. One of the biggest factors in the A starting and taking on a life of it's own was the development of mutual trust. Most of our lives we meet people, maybe we flirt or have conversations that are 'edgy' but we think nothing of it, there's usually no connection or there's no isolated time to build a trust-bond with someone we might think is 'attractive'. Why do most A's happen in the workplace? We get a lot of time with that person, and getting isolated time can be easily negotiated under the terms of 'business lunch' or whatever... been there, done that.

 

Put that together with all the sociological factors and the trust piece becomes one of the most critical components of an A. Usually each person slowly raises the stakes in the back and forth and tests the other persons boundaries until we reach a point of mutual confidence that escalating to the next level seems 'ok' (I'm talking more subconscious rather than conscious here). Each stage once comes to terms with the risks and decides for themselves is the risk worth it.... (no, its not... but that's 20/20 for you)

 

Point is, you sent a letter that shows you're fully capable of violating the trust-pact. I don't think there's a bigger red-flag, I'd have run to the hills, changed my email address and turned to a ghost. Sure, you're being honest, honesty is a good thing but in an odd way your honesty also shows you have a propensity to say more than probably is needed, more of an off-the-cuff approach to life, unpredictable, which is very unsettling to a MM.

 

Great post I have to say I agree with this!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have to say, I think that's an unfair question.

 

It takes 2 to tango.

She wouldn't be "ruining someone else's marriage" if that 'someone else' wasn't a willing conspirator in ruining it.

 

She said

 

how I boiled his bunny by telling his wife and hurting him that and how I have to live with those consequences of what I may have done to his marriage and his wife for the rest of my life.

 

I simply wondered what consequences she thought she would have to live with for the rest of her life.