Cure for Retroactive Jealousy??

[Karamazov]

First of all I would like to point out that before this day I never knew of such a thing called Retroactive Jealousy.

I don't even know where to start...

 

-I put great emphasis on loialty and honesty, as some childhood experiences(regarding mother's marridge to father) took a great toll on me, and my belief system. I used to dislike materialism and lack of loialty but now I just plain find it disgusting.

 

-In my last relationship (before my current one) the one I loved was quite active twards other men, talking, flirting and so on. At the time she was still a virgin but had kissed a great number of people, like 40 or 50. I did not find that disturbing or repulsing and continued to offer my love and affection. Didn't give it much tought, really. In the end she said she cut back on the flirting, but it made no difference to me.

 

-Later, I was found "unsuitable" for having an "ugly penis" and being "poor", by the same person, practically controlled by her materialistic mother.

 

-Since I met the person I am with she bragged about dating only foreighn older men, being pampered and so on, saying most men of my country are not really worth it.

-She described into detail her past relationships, at first putting emphasis on her partner's good traits, very masculine, confident, sophisticated, gentlemen like, rich, and so on.

-She compared me with these men and said I should be more like them. Indeed I find that nobody is perfect but being compared to other lovers of her life made me suffer beyond belief. In the end she said she doesn't really see me as a man, for lacking certain qualityes. Later she retracted this, saying she does.

-Out of pure stupidity I asked her even more details of her past relationships, and her confusing answers only made things worst. I accepted the fact that she slept with a guy because she just wanted to but couldn't get over the fact that she brought excuses for other relationships, like with a 50 year old guy, with a married man, with her boss, dating two people at once, picking partners by financial stability and so on.

-In the end she stopped comparing me to those men and retracted what she said about not having certain qualities, saying they exist, but I do not use them. Generally, I'm not a big fan of sugarcoating.

-All these "educated" "generous" "sophisticated" and "masculine" men cheated on her, and used her only for sex. Well, when you go into a relationship with a married man, I think you can assume he will cheat on you...probably. She said that when she ever brought up problems from their relationships she was just given money from them.

-I found out she had an account on this "suggardaddy" site.

-The top 3 "character" traits that make a man sexy for her are "charisma" "confidence" and "money".

-She put all her bad decision making on her childhood experiences even tho she says that she knew a guy was dating other women and probably having sex with them but still went out with him and gave him a blowjob on their first date. She says she was a virgin then, and after that dated another guy, kissed, etc.

-All of her men fall into the same category, 40 years old minimum, rich, foreighn.

-She says she does not regret what happend, as she learned a great deal from the experiences.

-When picking between the two I mentioned earlyer she said she "likes the idea of financial stability"

 

And now onto my part..I am not a saint, and far from it.

-I have judged her, and under such anger as I have never felt before said very mean things, things I did not even recognize myself saying them. I am ashamed of putting her trough this, and am ashamed of myself.

-I have given much thought to the idea of doing something wich I know she would not get over, and never forgive me for, so she could leave the relationship.

-I love her very much, and she is the only woman for me. I would not imagine being with another, emotionally or sexually.

-I am not sure if or how much she has changed, maybe the best piece of proof would be this relationship, with a man younger than her, and poor.

-Sexually she had more partners than I had.

-The things I am feeling, I have never felt before, I get furious out of nothing, out of just mentioning her life before me. These last weeks things have gotten even worst...when I think of her I quickly switch to her ex lovers, when I think of good aspects of her, I imagine her doing the same for them. When I think of bad aspects I am disgusted.

 

I have a problem trusting people, and my self-esteem took a turn for the worst after feeling inadequite and not "masculine enough". These words took a toll on our sex life aswell, suffering from impotence, adding greatly to the frustration.

Yet how could I tust someone that thinks "money" makes a man sexy? How could I trust someone that can be bought and sold with gifts and fancy dinners?

Perhaps she has grown out of it, and gotten over it, I honestly don't know, but doubt exists still, and it's eating me day by day, I feel consumed and devoured by these ideas and thoughts. Not to mention that when she was very excited to go out with a former co-worker of 40some years old that fits the description perfectly I was not very happy.

 

By the way, I am 19 and she is 5 years older than me.

 

I ask you for a remedy, What can I do?

Thank you all for reading. I hope I was clear and did not make so many mistakes.

Edited September 23, 2010 by Karamazov

[TaraMaiden]

You're only 19.

Still adolescent, coming out of puberty, and you're shouldering all these problems?

I suggest in all seriousness you get counselling now, otherwise you are going to be one seriously ph*ukked-up adult in a few years from now.

 

Honestly.

Get therapy.

 

I mean it.

[Karamazov]

You're only 19.

Still adolescent, coming out of puberty, and you're shouldering all these problems?

I suggest in all seriousness you get counselling now, otherwise you are going to be one seriously ph*ukked-up adult in a few years from now.

 

Honestly.

Get therapy.

 

I mean it.

 

Honey, I haven't even begun to tell you about my problems.

I am trying to learn as much as I can on my own as I can not afford counselling, I am not even sure if I barely have money for college.

Lucky us we have a friend that is a psychologist and I've learned much with him.

[TaraMaiden]

Learning is one thing.

Implementing it is another.

What have you learnt so far, and how have you implemented any of it?

 

And don't call me 'honey'. At 53, I'm old enough to be your mother.

[Karamazov]

Learning is one thing.

Implementing it is another.

What have you learnt so far, and how have you implemented any of it?

 

And don't call me 'honey'. At 53, I'm old enough to be your mother.

 

Well, sorry about that. I'll edit it out.

 

To be honest, this was one of the most shocking things of my entire life...feeling so inadequite of love, just simple plain love, and I don't understand why I have to feel this way. If I won't find a way to get over this I would rather spend my life alone. A few years back a psychiatrist diagnosed me with severe depression and schizofrenia. I got over it, but I read that people with RJ never get over it...

 

What have I learnt so far...It's bad, for starters...It happens when I am alone or I feel alone, I think yoga would help me get over it, getting a grip on my mind. I'm quite angry right now...being one of those things that you don't know if you'll ever fix...that's..eh.

I will talk to my friend, the psychiatrist when I am rested and I will see what can be done.

I presented the problem to my girlfriend and she said that there's no future in this relationship. That was a bit surprising.

 

Another idea I had before reading about this was to write my second novel on a subject related to my relationship experiences.

My first novel helped me get over some problems I had, perhaps this will help me heal...

My girlfriend had doubts of this idea, said I was too superficial to actually understand certain aspects...and indeed, I am having trouble putting "money" in the "Character traits" section...

Or searcing for "love" on a site like sugardaddy.

Edited September 23, 2010 by Karamazov

[Green]

I wouldn't be with a girl who bragged about being with other men unless it some how turned me on. If I found it anoying I would leave her.

[Karamazov]

I wouldn't be with a girl who bragged about being with other men unless it some how turned me on. If I found it anoying I would leave her.

 

She said it in a "I don't date men from our country" thing..."I only date foreighners that treat me like a princess" etc.

[Karamazov]

Well, I didn't really get the response I was hoping for, and I am asking myself why...

I expected to get a lot more answers than this, and a lot more solutions...

Is there really nobody that can help?