Eureka! I finally figured out what went wrong. A little late? Maybe.

[durkadurka]

As you all know I've been posting a ton complaining about how my relationship is over, and various things that led to it falling apart. I couldn't really put my thumb on the one thing that tied it all together until today.

 

Codependency.

 

Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. [1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.[1]

I love my ex, but since the beginning of our relationship there has been a ton going on. From smaller things like being in a perpetual fight in the beginning of our relationship to stave off other guys or the fact that she stayed in the country I live in and worked a job she was miserable at for me. To the fact we moved in together after only 4 months of dating exclusively. To more significant things like her family is going bankrupt and she needed to help.

 

At the same time, I had to worry about my job (which I found because she didn't like my old one), staying in school, and my life.

 

I found the experience paralyzing. I tried to explain it to her that I could not see the forest from the trees and that I needed to be a stronger person to support her. Despite this, there was an issue waiting around every corner. I caved.

 

It's a shame I didn't recognize this earlier, so that I could have brought it to her attention.

 

It's a shame that I didn't realize it while I had an opportunity to affect change.

 

When I saw her last (flew down to visit her), I told her that I thought we each had issues that we needed to resolve on our own. What I didn't realize was that it was all tied together through a simple and common recognizable issue. Unfortunately, I fear that the ship has sailed.

 

When I talked to her a few weeks ago she said that 'I didn't want to talk about our relationship when I went down there'. I flew down, I did talk. I guess I just didn't realize what it was that I was talking about. Now she's seeing someone. I thought actions spoke louder than words, and honesty was the best policy.

 

OOPS.

 

Anyways, EUREKA at least now I know what plagued me for so long.

Edited September 23, 2010 by durkadurka