I don't care if I see tomorrow

[Crow9726]

So here I am…sound of mind but not so sound of body nowadays…and I gotta get this stuff out of my head.

 

Have you ever had a time when all of the stressors in your life came together at once? When you had absolutely nothing going right in any one area…but everything going wrong to one extent or another? I have a myriad of things in my life that cause me great stress…and they never recede in intensity. Unfortunately, all of the areas of my life are frustrating or on a downward spiral…and future prospects ain’t lookin’ so good. I really and truly have nothing to look forward to…nothing that brings me happiness. It’s not a great time for all my stress to combine and become a focal point…but that’s where I find myself.

 

I get up and go to work…so I can come home and eat...then toss and turn while trying to sleep…getting next to no real rest...not able to shut off my brain. Then I do it again tomorrow…and the next day…and the next. I end my day stressed and every waking moment finds a part of me obsessing over something...or right now...everything.

 

I’m 53...a triple bypass survivor who isn’t in the best of health. Dental issues which have only partially been addressed due to lack of funds and inferior insurance. Breaking down physically…especially the joints…though I do have an exercise regimen.

 

I work for a privately owned business in an industry that has suffered severe setbacks in the last few years. As a result…my income has dropped considerably…almost 50%. Since my bills didn’t reduce along with my income…my credit is shot. Changing jobs won’t help. The I.R.S. is making my life miserable. Health insurance premiums way up in recent years…not to mention the overall cost of living. My employer is bleeding the business dry since he is older and his health is deteriorating. He's a nice guy but has no sympathy or empathy for his employees when it comes to money. When he dies his much younger wife will close the doors on all of us...and drive away filthy rich...while those left behind will have to try to emerge from the smoldering ashes and tattered remnants of what once was.

 

I’ve found that people I thought were friends were actually casual acquaintances…and then faded memories. There are people in this world who love me…but since I have next to no family…they are few and can be counted on one hand plus a finger or two. The closest any of them is is still over 500 miles away.

 

I can never retire. I wasn’t financially disciplined enough in my prime years to deal with retirement. I was too busy working and making money while my wife and kids got to enjoy the fruits of my labors. Oh…I enjoyed it too…but only sporadically since I had to work to make the money. I understand why I was that way…no reason to expound on that. No pensions in my line of work…no 401K’s or anything. My social security will be insufficient or the system will be bankrupt. No life insurance at all…no burial money except for the meager amount the government pays toward your funeral. So…I will work until I die. I really don’t care what becomes of my body…thinking seriously of donating it to science…wouldn’t that be a hoot. I have been drafting my will…I rent…and since I have few assets other than some sentimental items…a yard sale might net someone some cash but that’s about it. My will should be simple.

 

 

I have no love life. I was with my wife for 28 years until she had an affair. I kinda rebounded with someone who broke my heart…but it was because we were incompatible and recognized it finally. So there’s nobody who gives a rat’s ass how I’m feeling…how I’m doing. No affection from any source that isn’t purely platonic or familial. No prospects on the horizon…and the area I live in isn’t conducive to meeting anybody of any quality at all. No dates in over 2 years...and no money if the chance arose.

 

I’m destined to watch my life continue to disintegrate…and despite all of my actions and intentions…it’s only getting worse. I won’t get into some of the other stuff dragging me down…but I assure you they exist.

 

I feel like I’m OCD and passive/aggressive and not manic/depressive but depressive/depressive. I have no healthy outlet for my stress and frustration. I have no hobbies and no real diversions. My urge to try to cultivate any is missing in action…having lived through the disappointment and sometimes destructive results from previous attempts. Every day it’s a chore to get up…even though I have been awake for some time.

 

Everything I own or possess is getting older and showing the effects of wear and tear and years of use (including my body). I can’t afford to maintain or replace anything since all of my cash flow goes toward my day to day existence. There is no budge in my budget. I have no social life and feel like an outsider…no…more of a loner… in most social situations when they do rarely arise.

 

If any one area of my life…be it my health or my job or something else…were to implode…I don’t think I could handle it. Compounding that is the fact that with nobody special in my life…I am almost to the point of being totally despondent…and that is not a good thing.

 

So…since my life is slipping down the slopes…and I’m losing the urge to fight the descent…why go on? Sure…people would miss me…but I truly believe it would be only because I wouldn’t be around for when THEY need something. Their actions have proven that over and over again. Since I am a “high-road” kind of man…I’ve let myself be taken advantage of…mistakenly telling myself that karma will settle all things in the end. I realize that real life isn’t fair…and that others have it far worse than I do. But by always trying to do the right thing…and making life easier for those around me…I am the one still paying the price…with little to nothing to show for it.

 

It isn’t getting better…and I don’t think it ever will. I’m tired of getting my hopes dashed and my dreams crushed. My energy is about gone…and my emotional well was drained dry years ago.

 

So…since I really have nothing to look forward to…since my future is bleak at best…what is my motivation for getting up tomorrow? Why prolong the agony? Why deal with the voices in my head that keep telling me that this sh*t just isn’t worth it?

 

I’m not a drinker or a pill popper…so writing this hasn’t been fueled by anything other than my own despair.

 

I really want to know. Why get up in the morning and put myself through this yet again…and continue until the day I die. I’m not a masochist. I don’t need this cr*p and I definitely don’t want it.

 

I'm financially bankrupt...physically worn out...mentally burned out...emotionally bereft...

 

I’m depressed and lonely and stressed and losing it.

[skydiveaddict]

Don't despair. When things seem hopeless, that's when you make your move. Throw caution to the wind, Find another job. Do different things, you are still young,you must believe in yourself when you think no one else does.

[shayan]

It seems like you are having a very difficult time with life and you have my sympathy.

 

Listen,

 

What if I told you your happiness, inner peace, and true self have nothing to do with your occupation, your marital status, your age, your financial situation, etc. That sounds highly illogical right?

 

I want to tell you it's the complete truth.

 

We are raised to think that external sources bring happiness, that our relationships, our work, or physical shape are responsible for our inner-peace and joy. I would like to interject, and say it is the complete opposite you must fill yourself up from the inside out. In other words first you must achieve peace, and inner love and esteem, and then these wonderful things come flowing into your life because they are attracted to your energy. Now I am not a hippy, or a monk, or a religious man, I am a future doctor so I don't mean any of this to come off as psuedo-scientific jargon.

 

The only way you will change your life, is if you start shifting your own thought patterns and beliefs dramatically. From the nature of your post I can tell that you are swollen in self pity, sadness, despair, and that your current way of thinking reinforces these feelings. So you must attack the route of your problem, and that is your own insecurity and self anguish. How can you do this? Well it will take a lot of effort. But here are some suggestions which all cost next to nothing.

 

Start meditating with positive affirmations, do positive visualization, cognitive replacement techniques, spend more time in nature, start going to community or city events which you are interested in (wonderful places to make new friends), journal, pick up a hobby, excercise regularly ( I don't care if you don't have a gym membership just do pushups and sit ups and walks or jogs, improvise), etc.

 

I understand you are 53 and you feel like it is difficult to re-connect and rebuild yourself at your age. But, you are not your age. You are a human being with thoughts, substance, feelings and strength. You have everything you need right now to start re-connecting with others.

 

You are not your looks either, physical appearance is so short in effect in comparison to someone who is confident and loves themself.

 

You are not your financial status, think you have shelter, food, water and stable environment you are above 75% of the world's populace in terms of living conditions.

 

The point of all this is you need to realize you have all the tools to be content right now, despite all your circumstances. Once you make this realization and work on improving yourself and claiming more responsiblity in your life (instead of blaming external circumstances for your despair) then your life will begin to change dramatically both internally and externally. But don't for one moment forget that your true value comes from inner self and this completely independent of the external world.

 

Good luck, I sense you as a very kind and deserving person. I promise you if you just put in the effort you can change your life dramatically and it will be better then you could imagine. And don't stop yourself from dreaming, and having big goals, as long as you have a vision you can accomplish it as long as you break it down into small manageable steps.

 

 

For further advice read: Your Sacred Self By Dr Wayne Dyer.