the reason i keep hope

[Buccaneer55]

Going on 2 months of the break-up and she still hasn't gone more than 5 days without contacting me.

 

We hadn't talked in 3 days and tonight she literally called me b/c she wanted to know how to make a certain item for lunch tomorrow at her job. It's got to be maybe the easiest thing to make and she had to call to ask me? I think she was looking for a reason to just call.

 

Of course she wanted to hear my how internship was going, and ask ask about a job I'll be starting as well. She kept it pretty brief only a 5 minute call, and she said she was glad I was doing well, but these types of contact attempts by her is what makes me think there is a shot at reconciling the relationship.

 

Thoughts?

[jms76]

Buck,

 

She's definitely fishing and keeping you at arms length. You didn't really elaborate but why did you two break up? Did she initiate the split? I'm guessing she did and if you want a second chance, stop taking her calls. You're not allowing her to wonder what's going on in your life that's so important you can't answer her call. It will drive her nuts and eventually she'll call and leave a voicemail saying she wants to talk about the relationship. Then you can decide if you want to give her a second chance. But taking her calls allows her to think that you're ok with the breakup and she's free to check up on you while she goes out and does whatever. Make sense?

[pandagirl]

Going on 2 months of the break-up and she still hasn't gone more than 5 days without contacting me.

 

We hadn't talked in 3 days and tonight she literally called me b/c she wanted to know how to make a certain item for lunch tomorrow at her job. It's got to be maybe the easiest thing to make and she had to call to ask me? I think she was looking for a reason to just call.

 

Of course she wanted to hear my how internship was going, and ask ask about a job I'll be starting as well. She kept it pretty brief only a 5 minute call, and she said she was glad I was doing well, but these types of contact attempts by her is what makes me think there is a shot at reconciling the relationship.

 

Thoughts?

 

Honestly, I think when an ex (especially when they are the dumper) keeps in contact with you, it's almost like a weening process for them. They broke up with you, but don't want to suffer from an immediate break.

 

Of course, I am sure they miss you and think about you, but I think its pretty selfish.

[Von]

Honestly, I think when an ex (especially when they are the dumper) keeps in contact with you, it's almost like a weening process for them. They broke up with you, but don't want to suffer from an immediate break.

 

Of course, I am sure they miss you and think about you, but I think its pretty selfish.

 

Absolutely it's a selfish weening process. Dumpers do all kinds of crazy stuff to justify what they did.

 

Take the advice and completely ignore her. For awhile. Don't even respond or take any notice of her unless she is physically in front of you.... Trust me.

 

I have never ever heard or read of a dumper telling there ex "gee if you hadn't of ignored me id so be with you right now". Lol. She wants you to chase her to feel good about herself and be in control. So do the opposite... Run the other way.

[Billie The Puppet]

Buc,

 

You don't seem to be doing to well with this No Contact thing, Hope may be keeping you afloat but it may be all you'll have left. (I know hope helps you through the days)

 

No Contact includes not answering to her attempts. You are doing Limited Contact which 99% of the time gets you no where. (Especially directly after the break up)

 

I was a lot like you a month ago, jumped at every chance just to talk it gave me a high, the low afterwards was not worth the highs. I was anticipating that every attempt at contact was a "reconciliation call"

 

I still get high's and low's with NC but with NC the wounds are not being re-opened like it felt with Limited Contact.

 

The decision to go complete NC is a hard one because you have so much "invested in her" but it's worth it for your self being.

 

You have to be stronger, I am sure you can do it because I am an emotionally weak human being I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am doing it. (Saturday will be 3 weeks)

[Buccaneer55]

Buck,

 

She's definitely fishing and keeping you at arms length. You didn't really elaborate but why did you two break up? Did she initiate the split? I'm guessing she did and if you want a second chance, stop taking her calls. You're not allowing her to wonder what's going on in your life that's so important you can't answer her call. It will drive her nuts and eventually she'll call and leave a voicemail saying she wants to talk about the relationship. Then you can decide if you want to give her a second chance. But taking her calls allows her to think that you're ok with the breakup and she's free to check up on you while she goes out and does whatever. Make sense?

 

We broke up because we argued alot, and she "felt" like she wasn't important enough to me. She always seemed to think I was too selfish, and to be honest at times I was, but I'm young. We were in a 5.5 year relationship that started right after I turned 18, I've had plenty of growing to do.

 

I feel like I have been doing some growing and that I could give her 100% in a relationship. My biggest fear is that ignoring her will make her not want to come back, that's why it's hard to not respond to her (I've only initiated one time in the last month.)

 

Honestly, I think when an ex (especially when they are the dumper) keeps in contact with you, it's almost like a weening process for them. They broke up with you, but don't want to suffer from an immediate break.

 

Of course, I am sure they miss you and think about you, but I think its pretty selfish.

 

Well the only reason I don't know if it's a weening process is because this happened 3 years ago as well, we were on LC for awhile, and eventually we got back together.

 

In my heart I know she needs to see an immediate break. We were together way too long for me to ever see her as just a friend.

 

 

Absolutely it's a selfish weening process. Dumpers do all kinds of crazy stuff to justify what they did.

 

Take the advice and completely ignore her. For awhile. Don't even respond or take any notice of her unless she is physically in front of you.... Trust me.

 

I have never ever heard or read of a dumper telling there ex "gee if you hadn't of ignored me id so be with you right now". Lol. She wants you to chase her to feel good about herself and be in control. So do the opposite... Run the other way.

 

I think I'm ready to finally go NC. She likes to text or call every couple of days and every time she does it just brings me right back to thinking she's not over me nor wants to.

 

As I mentioned in another answer above, the only reason why I haven't gone NC yet, is because I'm afraid it'll only push her away, when I want to reconcile.

 

However, she knows how I feel, and it isn't right that she wants to talk to me, but not want to commit to me.

 

I know I need to let her go completely. If we ever reconcile, I want a relationship that isn't based on our past, but a fresh start, not holding anything against each other.

 

 

 

Buc,

 

You don't seem to be doing to well with this No Contact thing, Hope may be keeping you afloat but it may be all you'll have left. (I know hope helps you through the days)

 

No Contact includes not answering to her attempts. You are doing Limited Contact which 99% of the time gets you no where. (Especially directly after the break up)

 

I was a lot like you a month ago, jumped at every chance just to talk it gave me a high, the low afterwards was not worth the highs. I was anticipating that every attempt at contact was a "reconciliation call"

 

I still get high's and low's with NC but with NC the wounds are not being re-opened like it felt with Limited Contact.

 

The decision to go complete NC is a hard one because you have so much "invested in her" but it's worth it for your self being.

 

You have to be stronger, I am sure you can do it because I am an emotionally weak human being I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am doing it. (Saturday will be 3 weeks)

 

Billie congrats on being strong as you're getting up to 3 weeks now!

 

To be honest I do decent with the NC with her. Yesterday was about 3 days, and I was feeling good. It's when she reaches out to me, and it's not to talk about us getting back together where I do not so good haha.

 

I feel like it's time to go NC with her, because LC is getting me nowhere. Do I want to be with her? Yes, I do, but do I want her checking up on me as just a friend? Not in the slightest bit. I want all of her, not a half-hearted attempt at a friendship.

 

Again, she knows what I want, and if I've been able to respect her enough by giving her space (letting her contact me), then she needs to respect me (come talk to me, when you're ready to be serious about us)

 

Yes I have a lot invested in her. However, I don't want some of her. I want me and her to both give this 100%, and if she's not willing to, then I know there is someone out there who would.

[drewsmom]

My stbxh does this all the time, I can count on one hand how many times i called him, and we have been going through this for 8 months, he has a gf and yet he calls for the stupidest things, I dont answer the phone most of the time but we have a son together so its harder. When he comes to drop my son off from a visit, he will hang around, a few times my son and I would go outside to play and he will follow us, once he followed us up the driveway and when we just ignored him he got in his car backed it out and sat and watched us through his rearview mirror for ten minutes, creepy. and that was only a week and a half ago. he calls when my son is in school and he isnt supose to, he was told by both attns 2 phone calls a day to my son, because i mean it was getting rediculous, he would leave 5 messages in a row, just wondering where we were. I am not into the games, I am moving on, and mabey that is what botheres him, I didnt crash and burn like he thought I would. one nite he had my son he asked when he picked him up can i drop him off early in the morn like 9 i said fine, they left, he knew i was going out, an hour and a half later he called my cell, said sorry to bother you, I am gonna drop him off early tom, like 9, I said yes I know you already told me, its not a problem i said, I said gotta go. when I got home that nite there was a message on my answering machine, Im gonna drop him at 9 ok, like wowwww really, i needed to hear it 3 times. Its not like I ever forget when hes dropping my son off. Guess its hard not being in control after you control someone for 20 yrs

[Don Ho]

My biggest fear is that ignoring her will make her not want to come back, that's why it's hard to not respond to her (I've only initiated one time in the last month.)

 

Bro, I hate to say you're young, but, well, you are. LC doesn't work. Your fear is that ignoring her will make her not want to come back? Exactly wrong! Continuing contact just lets her be comfortable, use you as a crutch and have you as a friend. And you get what from this? Go NC. I actually think you need to move on.

[Buccaneer55]

Bro, I hate to say you're young, but, well, you are. LC doesn't work. Your fear is that ignoring her will make her not want to come back? Exactly wrong! Continuing contact just lets her be comfortable, use you as a crutch and have you as a friend. And you get what from this? Go NC. I actually think you need to move on.

 

Don, I agree that I am young, and this is the only "serious" relationship I've ever had, so I really don't know what to do.

 

No, I still do not want a friendship with her, only a relationship.

 

I think I've decided to go NC. If we don't get back together I've got nothing to lose by doing this, I already lost what I wanted. I can either gain it back or it stays the same and were not a couple. NC it is.

[Don Ho]

You got it right Bro. Even if you're young it sounds like you've got your head on straight.