What's an "adequate" amount of time to grieve before moving on?

[dbmystinkbug]

My gf and I broke up nearly three months ago. I've been lost, confused, heartbroken, etc. all that time, and it has occurred to me from time to time that subconsciously I'm punishing myself somehow or that I "owe" it to my ex to continue to be heartbroken for an undetermined length of time. I know that doesn't make much sense.

 

The point is I've met someone else who seems to really like me and although I'm not nearly ready to commit to her and not sure I'm even all that into her, I don't know if it's because I'm not over my ex or if I'm just not allowing myself to embrace fun and good times with someone else.

 

At what point do you think it's ok to start moving on with someone else after you've ended a relationship with someone you really care about? And if you're wondering, part of why I'm asking IS because I care about what my ex thinks. I wouldn't want her to find out I'm dating someone else and be mad at me somehow because I'm dating again so quickly. As I'm typing this I realize it sounds kind of pathetic; like I said I'm very confused. Deep down I know I'm not really ready to get involved with someone else but this other person is being very persistent and there's part of me that's thinking...why not?

 

For what it's worth, I'm still holding out a hope that my ex calls or texts me someday and wants to talk about trying again. I realize that speaks volumes about where I am in the healing process; I can't help it though, no matter how unrealistic our chances.

[shayan]

it takes a varying amount of time. However, the fact that you are still so worried what your ex thinks means you are still not quite ready to let her go. The best thing you can do is continue mourning and occupy your time with positive activities. In terms of this new relationship, I think you should only go forward if you are ctually attracted or interested in the new person. And do not lead them on, let them know you are hurt and not able to be in a serious relationship at the time. Only until you stop worrying what your ex thinks or feels, that's when you know you have moved on. The feelings subside with time and proper mourning. Good luck, don't be childish in your decisions though, be genuine. And remember we may be able to move on rationally, but our hearts generally take much longer to heal and let go (I believe because they are so damn strong!).

[Iselia]

My gf and I broke up nearly three months ago. I've been lost, confused, heartbroken, etc. all that time, and it has occurred to me from time to time that subconsciously I'm punishing myself somehow or that I "owe" it to my ex to continue to be heartbroken for an undetermined length of time. I know that doesn't make much sense.

 

The point is I've met someone else who seems to really like me and although I'm not nearly ready to commit to her and not sure I'm even all that into her, I don't know if it's because I'm not over my ex or if I'm just not allowing myself to embrace fun and good times with someone else.

 

At what point do you think it's ok to start moving on with someone else after you've ended a relationship with someone you really care about? And if you're wondering, part of why I'm asking IS because I care about what my ex thinks. I wouldn't want her to find out I'm dating someone else and be mad at me somehow because I'm dating again so quickly. As I'm typing this I realize it sounds kind of pathetic; like I said I'm very confused. Deep down I know I'm not really ready to get involved with someone else but this other person is being very persistent and there's part of me that's thinking...why not?

 

For what it's worth, I'm still holding out a hope that my ex calls or texts me someday and wants to talk about trying again. I realize that speaks volumes about where I am in the healing process; I can't help it though, no matter how unrealistic our chances.

 

There isn't a general time line. The best rule, is to find things that make you happy and go THROUGH the pain. Get new hobbies, eat better, exercise, hang with friends, meet new people, do things that make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy.

 

Now, I wouldn't date anyone until you are over your ex 100%. Otherwise, it will only result badly. Go through your pain, not around it. You need to cry when you need to. You need to feel anger here and there. You need to realize and grieve that the relationship is over. You will get through this; just take it a little bit at a time.

[dbmystinkbug]

Thank you both. What you're saying is what I've been telling myself ever since I met this other person. For what it's worth, I've been completely forthright with her about where I'm at and have done everything short of telling her to leave me alone, but she's convinced that she wants to get to know me. I agree 100% with what you said about the true meaning of my fear of upsetting the ex...clearly I'm not ready to get involved with anyone else.

 

Trust me, I've allowed myself to experience the pain. I like to think of myself as a fairly typical male but I have cried more than I would ever admit to anyone who knows me. It's become almost routine when my head hits the pillow. That's sort of what prompted me to start my first thread here; after nearly three months, I'm pretty tired of feeling the pain.

[Am4Real]

 

 

Trust me, I've allowed myself to experience the pain. I like to think of myself as a fairly typical male but I have cried more than I would ever admit to anyone who knows me. It's become almost routine when my head hits the pillow. That's sort of what prompted me to start my first thread here; after nearly three months, I'm pretty tired of feeling the pain.

 

Most are different when it comes to the amount of time needed to move past a former partner. We tend to see those that keep busy, make new friends and investigate “brand new” activities having a somewhat shorter life span for grieving than those who wallow more inside of old habits and memories.

 

Have you kept yourself busy? What about old memories of the relationship and belongings – have you rid your environment of these (photos, cards, tokens, etc)? Do you stay away from old hangouts?

 

Keeping yourself well distanced from these “triggers” can help you get over your former lover.

 

I take difference with the poster who suggested you do not date until you are one-hundered percent over the former relationship. Although I would hope you wouldn’t lead a person on if you are truly not interested or unsure, I think short non-romantic dates are good outings and positive experiences for your confidence. Just keep these dates light like coffee shops, lunches, a museum or something carefree.

 

Give your healing a chance and worry not about the EX and whether she will be in your life again. When the next one comes along who “rocks your world” it will likely be when you least expect it.

[alphamale]

At what point do you think it's ok to start moving on with someone else after you've ended a relationship with someone you really care about?

about one hour for each month you were together...