Just ridiculous Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I was here about 7 weeks ago, wondering how to deal with my husband's suspected infidelity. I wasn't sure, but he decided to come clean, after hundreds of dollars of therapy. He told me on the way up to his dying father's home, 10 hour drive from our home. He has been using Blackberry Messenger to meet these women. He also drove to see one of these women (he has admitted to two, but I know there is more) using the guise of visiting his sick father. I am so heartbroken and angry. I knew he was having an affair, and a few weeks ago, I decided to stay and wait for confirmation. I got it. Now I have to pick up my life and protect our daughter (who has a developmental disability). He has no remorse, said these women made him realize just how unhappy he was with me, and he is thankful for that. I stayed for two days with him and his father, then finally decided to take my car and drive home. He is still there, and father is expected to die in the next few days. He will come back then. He thinks alimony is not fair to him (married for 8 years, together for 9) and I have stayed home to cook, clean, and care for our home and daughter for 4 years. I recently started a part-time job a month ago, and have been in school part-time for a few years. He said I will not clean him out, and I need to stop moping and accept that he doesn't want me. I don't know this individual, I truly don't. I have done the necessary things since this occurred (just a few days ago) to protect myself and my daughter (don't want to go into too much detail). But I can't stop this anger and pain. I have no support in my life, as he pushed my friends and family away a long time ago. Thanks for reading this and any advice is appreciated.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Just ridiculous : I feel for you, I've kind of been where you are at, in regards to a spouse's cheating ways. My first bit of advise, and I will quote you... "he pushed my friends and family away a long time ago." If I were you, I would try to get these people, friends & family back into your life! People can do a divorce and separation on their own, without the luxury of friends or family, but I will warn you, this way of doing it is extremely hard. Without one having a proper support network, aka- fiends or family to talk to, to get advise from or any financial support they may offer, you will find the road of solitude difficult. "I have stayed home to cook, clean, and care for our home and daughter for 4 years." And your Husband think that alimony for you is "un-fair", I don't know about that. I think that when a married couple agrees to the notion of the woman staying at home to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids, sweep the floors, vacuum the house, pick up after people.....stuff like that, then there should be no hesitations from a Husband to be willing to pay the "soon to be ex-wife" alimony. In my case, I rather looked upon paying my ex-wife alimony, as my "job" to do. She cooked and did all that you have, created a standard of living for herself, it was my "job" to help her after the marriage to maintain the standard of life she was used to. "I decided to stay and wait for confirmation." What might I ask were you staying and awaiting confirmation on? Were you wanting to confirm an affair, between your "soon to be ex-Husband" and another woman? If so, didn't he already spell that one out for you, on the drive up to the sick Fathers house. Didn't he say that he was seeing someone on the side, using his Blackberry to help have these relations, plus he even drove you to one of the ladies homes! If that was something that needed confirmation, my dear, I think the moment you meet one of the "other women" you had your answer! I hate to sound "cold" and "crasp" here, but I think the hand writing is pretty much on the wall. Just take good care of you, take real good care of your little one, hook up with some sort of an attorney or legal support group and ask for their opinion, in regards to your situation and act upon their advise... Good luck.........
tojaz Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Just Ridiculous, Yep thats exactly what it is Ridiculous! BEst advice right now would be to keep doing what your doing, protecting yourself and your daughter, and working through your emotions. Leave the alimony dispute to the attorneys , don't even talk to him about it. In looking at the little written here, he sounds a bit manipulative. He told me on the way up to his dying father's home, 10 hour drive from our home. A situation where you dare not make a scene, where he would feel comfortable and you would not. A perfect situation for him. He said I will not clean him out, and I need to stop moping and accept that he doesn't want me. Even in ending things, he expects it to be solely on his terms. Your emotions have no bearing. he pushed my friends and family away a long time ago. I doubt that needs any explainantion. Any talk on the subject with him is just giving him opportunity to try and manipulate you further. Take care of yourself, your daughter. Try to reconnect with your old friends and family, they will understand. and keep posting TOJAZ
spriggig Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 In addition to separating physically, financially and emotionally, you must untangle the responsibility. In the coming months you'll probably question your role in the marriage and what you did and didn't do, right and wrong. It's important to place responsibility where it belongs--don't take any that is undue you and beat yourself up, also don't deny your shortcomings and fail to learn from this. His choice to have affairs was his doing alone. You did NOTHING to deserve that. You have no responsibility for his choices.
What_Next Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 First, I am sorry to hear that you are back here with this information. As a victim of a cheating spouse I understand the pain you are going through. His choice of when to tell you is just awful and shows his character. Get this person out of your life, get every single thing you are entitled to.
2sure Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Do not allow him to make you believe he has control of what will happen regarding support or division of assets when you divorce. He doesnt. People like him believe they have control of those around them, that whatever is best for them alone is what matters. They find out the facts and logistics, when brought to court - do not support their selfish thinking. It astounds them.
Author Just ridiculous Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 Thanks to everyone for your posts. To clarify, he told me he wanted out 7 weeks ago, and we then began therapy. He planned to tell me about these affairs in therapy this week, but when we got the call to see his father, he said he could not wait any longer. He spoke to me last night and said that I pushed him away, and "What you won't do someone else will." I told him no matter how bad it got, there was never any reason to bring in another person (or persons in his case) into our relationship. He has no regret or remorse, and said he is sorry I hurt but not sorry he found happiness. I told him his daughter will someday know who you really are and be very disappointed in you. He got angry and said she would know the real message is to never settle and to find true happiness. He then said I was trying to turn her against him (which I would never do, she is not a pawn in this, and never will be) and threatened me should I ever try. I told him he was nuts and he will alienate him all on her own. We ended on a bitter note, and he left his father's home this morning to come in, presumably to get his stuff, which I have packed. As I said, I have done the legal things necessary to protect myself and daughter, and am trying to brace myself for what comes next. I am sorry it is over, but at this point, I am more looking forward to solitary peace that will eventually come with this break. I will continue to post, and continue to be here for advice. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to face. I know I have my own shortcomings, and letting him set the tone for my life for so many years is the biggest. I am done with that.
worlybear Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Hey there just remember we are all here for you. Your situation is very similar to mine- my STBXH when confronted with irrefutable proof of his affair, did the same thing as your husband and blamed me! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember that and stand tall. He is a weak individual and no matter what he says regarding alimony- you have the law on your side and he WILL have to pay whether he likes it or not. Keep posting on here and we will be here for you. Thinking of you and your daughter.
Minnie09 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 You sound like a strong woman, and you will get what you deserve. And so will he. How old is your child and how is she doing in all this? Do you have a good lawyer?
Author Just ridiculous Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 My daughter has a developmental disability, and is very limited in her verbal ability. She has become very ill this week, so she is cranky and clinging to me entirely. She is not wanting to talk to her father via phone, which makes me wonder how much of this she is taking in and processing. I keep telling her to talk to him and that he loves her (I suspect he does) because this is not her fault. He has made choices that will force her into a new lifestyle, away from me as her primary caretaker, which is killing me. We cannot find any specialized care before this happened, and now I will have to find something or some sort of situation for her. I wish he thought of her before he decided to destroy this family.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 He has made choices that will force her into a new lifestyle, away from me as her primary caretaker, which is killing me. We cannot find any specialized care before this happened, and now I will have to find something or some sort of situation for her. I wish he thought of her before he decided to destroy this family. Please, if you don't mind me asking, what does the above quote mean? What is this "new lifestyle" you speak of, is it that your Daughter will one day have to get used to two different parents, living under different roofs? And what you mean by the whole "primary caretaker", which is killing you, is this just going to be something that happens a direct result of a divorce? Is the fact that there might be "joint custody" is as to why your "primary" status thing might go away? Sorry for asking all of this, but I just want to be very clear with your situation here. I don't want to let confusion keep me from understanding your story, unlike some stories I have read on LS, yours has got me hooked! Please keep posting, please keep letting us know you and your precious little angel are "alright"!
Author Just ridiculous Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 Since my daughter was born, and received her diagnosis, we have been unable to obtain state sponsored services for children with disabilities, such as the type of afterschool care and respite services needed for her. In our state, there is a waiting list, and it is 9 years long. Everything she has needed that is not covered by private insurance is paid out of pocket. I only recently started a part time job that let me off before she gets out of school, and I only attend school when she is in school as well. When I am not in school or at work, I take care of her. He works a schedule of 7 days home, 7 days away, and on the days he is home I am still caring for her, though since I started my job, he will babysit a few days during his time home while I work. I hoped to return to work full time when she got off the waiting list and gets the specialized care she needs when I am not home. Now that I will be forced to return to a full time job, I am trying to figure out how I will find a sitter or care center that I trust with her (she is limited verbally). She has a great deal of trouble with new people, and is difficult to care for with her behavior issues. I was fine to do this forever, but now he has said I will eventually have to work, and just find someone to babysit, cause she will be fine and really, he can't stay with me just for that reason (which I would not want either, but just to answer the question for you). So essentially, while it is a real financial concern to find her care, my biggest worry is how she will do in such a situation. I hope I have answered your question clearly, and you can bet I will stay on here for the wonderful support of those of you who have been through it and come out the other side.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I hope I have answered your question clearly, and you can bet I will stay on here for the wonderful support of those of you who have been through it and come out the other side. You hit this answer out of the park, good job, now my light bulb in my head is a little brighter now! Thanks.............and keep posting! We are here for you!
KraftDinner Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I don't have much to say because it sounds like you are taking care of yourself the way you need to, but I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Life is so unfair, it's unreal. You sound like a nice person who doesn't deserve this callous attitude. One thing I do know is that sometimes when the cheating partner tries to blame the non-cheating spouse, it's because he or she can't come to terms with the idea that they are capable of something so wrong... so I guess I wonder if you feel like this infidelity is something that deep down he really knows is awful? Not that it matters much.
Author Just ridiculous Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 Well, a quick update to everyone. He came home, and found out I used our savings to retain a lawyer. He flipped out and attempted to take both my car and his. He said I ruined us, because he has been spending money on his trip and planning to cover it with savings. I told him my attorney advised me to do this, and I must now protect myself. He became enraged and said that thanks to me, I would be homeless and once I am, he is taking our daughter away from me. He then said he is taking both mine and his vehicles. I called the police. They tried to get him to understand that while we are a community property state, the best thing to do is leave and take only his vehicle. He started yelling and threatening the police and a report was filed. My attorney is filing a restraining order tomorrow morning. He did leave with only his vehicle and I have not heard from him since. While this was going on, I told him to leave the house for now, he is too angry, our daughter does not need to see this. She became extremely upset and agitated, and vomited all over the carpet in front of him. He did nothing. I am so angry with him, his denial of affairs, his attempt to blame me, and most important, his lack of love and true care for our little one. I am scared ****less right now, but I am thankful for a great attorney, and a mom who has stayed with me from the start of this. She is keeping me on the right path and seeing me through it. I will keep you all updated as this continues.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 They tried to get him to understand that while we are a community property state, the best thing to do is leave and take only his vehicle. He started yelling and threatening the police and a report was filed. My attorney is filing a restraining order tomorrow morning. He did leave with only his vehicle and I have not heard from him since. Now this may come off as "morbid" or "cold" or something, but the section of your post, that I put in bold text I think is the best thing I've heard through all your posts. You might not feel the same as I do, and don't want to dance the night away, but in the grand scheme of things, what happened here, is a good thing! Now beyond a shadow of a doubt the community, namely the Police Department and your Attorney's Office now see your Husband for what he truly is. Now there is a concrete paper trail, sold evidence of his behavior and where his mind is at. This could be your "Ace-in-the-hole" as far the most damning evidence against your "soon to be ex-Husband" in divorce court. I know you are scared and worried and confused and hurt, that's "ok", these feelings are well on the road to recovery. But out of all this, the point that I don't feel like dancing around my house about, is about your poor little girl, getting so stresses out, that she vomits on the floor, and that P.O.S. stand by and does NOTHING, what a creep! Soon your little angel and yourself won't have to deal with that pile of cow manure anymore! I'm just surprised the Police Department let him leave, I'm surprised to not hear that he was arrested. For in my State of California, and the County I live in, if one even "threatens" or "eludes" to harming a Police Officer, that is grounds for arrest, on the charges of "obstruction if justice" and "verbal assault on a Police Officer", he should count his lucky stars he doesn't live in my town, he would have gotten a nice pretty pair of silver bracelets and a free ride to his new home! Please keep us posted as events unfold, again you might not think so, but all of this.....minus your Daughter experience here, is a very good thing! "Keep your chin up"!
tojaz Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Legally and from a business stand point, yes Zen is absolutely right, what happened is very good for you. It also demonstrates his controlling tendancies in the extreme. Emotionally, both for you and your DD I am very sorry you had to go through that, and I know its hard. Your doing the right things, but don't forget to take some time to work on you and not just the business aspect of things, thats a process that takes much longer. TOJAZ
You Go Girl Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 He spoke to me last night and said that I pushed him away, and "What you won't do someone else will." I told him no matter how bad it got, there was never any reason to bring in another person (or persons in his case) into our relationship. He has no regret or remorse, and said he is sorry I hurt but not sorry he found happiness. . I know I have my own shortcomings, and letting him set the tone for my life for so many years is the biggest. I am done with that. What you won't do someone else will...so he left you because of sexual desires? Things you won't do in the bedroom? Did you play a part in the disintegration of the marriage sexually? Or was he making selfish sexual demands? You do need to examine this part of the destruction of the marriage and own whatever part is yours, if any part is. But from what he said above, I am leaning toward that he had unreasonable selfish demands, and put his sexual urges above everything else, which is a sign of severe immaturity in a married man with a child. As for your DD, I'm sure that if you hunt around you will find a lovnig caretaker for her while you become self-sufficient with a full-time job. I know that worries you at this stage. Perhaps his child support could be higher than the usual because of these disabilities? I don't know. Hurray on you setting your own tone of your life!
Author Just ridiculous Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 To answer your question, it wasn't so much just sexual issues. He has been a not so nice husband for years; I did not give him enough attention (blind devotion) once I started attending school, fighting for disability educational rights for our child, and the day to day living that comes from just living.He felt left out and began to keylog my computer and accuse me of infidelity, call me all hours of the night, etc. Honestly, I should have seperated sooner, as he is just angry at my personal growth during the last several years.He never lifted a finger around the house, even when I begged him for some relief. Never attended school meetings, took her alone for doctor visits, and dictated all finances. It is amazing what I understand now about what kind of husband he really is. He came in the house this morning (still waiting to hear from atty on restraining order) and gave me some cash for food aned diapers for our daughter, and told me he closed our accounts out and he is taking me off our health insurance. I hope to hear from my attorney soon on this.
Minnie09 Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Oh my God, JR, you are one tough cookie if you're still hanging in there standing strong. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you and I want you to know that. Not that it matters, but what you're going through is beyond insane. This guy is sick is all I want to say.
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