blizzard Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 (edited) My husband and I have been married 9yrs yet currently seperated/living under the same roof for over a year now. He and I have seperate rooms. We do not fight very often. At least not in front of the kids. But we aren't affectionate to one another either. We don't do alot together as family. I take the kids my way. He never really takes them anywhere at all. There are times when my oldest begs him to go and he does. Most of our marital problems stem from his lack of prioritizing our marriage. And we are just so incredibly different...down to parenting. The situation at hand isn't ideal but we are doing what we have to do for the kids right now. I am the disciplinarian in the house (aka the bad guy). I have been a sahm so I carry the load of taking them neat places, taking care of the home, bills, cooking, laundry, groceries, dr appt, school functions, parties, well you name it. He is the nice dad. The friendly one. The one they run to at the end of the day. He is the one that never backs me up with discipline. The kids respect me. I can cool any meltdown in a matter of a minute. He won't. Not can't. WON'T. The kids don't respect him. The oldest is five. She walks all over him. Even hits him when she gets angry. His answer is time out which has been in place since she 18mos so it is no longer effective. And he has never truly understood how it works anyway. Big fit she threw tonight with him. I sat back to let him take the reins. He timed her out. She screamed. She screamed "daddy I love you! daddy I love you! I can't live without you daddy...please...I love you!" She has been doing this so much with him when he "loosely" disciplines her!!! So she left time out. Ran to tell him she was sorry. She was out of control clinging and crying. He put her back in time out again because she was out of control. She left. He never put her back into time out. So this goes on for another 30mins. Craziness! She came running to me screaming her head off and crying out of control with arms up. I stopped her in her tracks by throwing my "stop" hand up when she was arms length. I told her no. Her dad may not have boundaries but I do and that she would not act like a wild animal around me. Nor is it acceptable. I walked her to her room and said "you will stay here and get yourself together with the door closed. You may not come out until I say so." Within 5mins she was calm cool and collected. I went in her room. Closed door behind me. And spoke calmly to her and she listened. I told her I loved her but I am her mom "the grownup" and it is my job to teach her right and wrong behavior...etc. That she must talk about her feelings when she is mad and not have a mental meltdown. I gave examples, etc. I asked if her day really went alright at school. No troubles, bad grades, or not so nice kids. She said her day was fine. I told her she could tell me if it didn't. That she could always tell me anything that I would listen and try to help. We hugged. And all is well. As usual. What is going on!? Why is screaming this "I love you daddy thing!?" It's so pitiful...but it sounds a bit hmmm like she's trying to wrap him around her finger at the same time. She turns into this pitiful child when he tries to punish her. She is treating him like crap though. I have told him, as well as others, numerous times that is going to bite him in the butt when she's 13...if he doesn't start discipline or gaining control. After today, I think he believes me now. Edited September 23, 2010 by blizzard
Tayla Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Children are perceptive, to see the true dynamics of the parents. They act out based on the environment. You both have different child rearing ideas...neither are balanced. Would love to hear how isolation fairs from a stance of discipline? Have you asked your ex what are the permanent affects of that style? Not the temporary affect of out of sight out of mind .. Its both your responsibilities to tend to the GROWN up task of child rearing...HE needs to step up his game. Sounds like you are doing your part though on that ...
FanFan Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 My husband and I have been married 9yrs yet currently seperated/living under the same roof for over a year now. Are either of you seeing someone else now or has been in the past while married?
DearlyDevoted Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 With the husband not helping and actually damaging the children's behavioral patterns and discipline, what is the point in keeping him there? I understand "for the kids" but what good is he doing for them? Stand firm. You and your kids will appreciate it later.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 "you will stay here and get yourself together with the door closed. You may not come out until I say so." I love it! This is exactly the sort of "discipline" she will grow to accept from the people she dates too.
karaann07 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 With the husband not helping and actually damaging the children's behavioral patterns and discipline, what is the point in keeping him there? I understand "for the kids" but what good is he doing for them? Stand firm. You and your kids will appreciate it later. This is my thought, too. If he were a devoted father who pitches in and helps with the kids, etc., it would make sense to me to keep them as a central figure in their lives. But with the way you've described them, I don't understand what he's bringing to the table. Certainly nothing for you, and it doesn't sound like he's bringing anything to the table for the kids...
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 You and your H need to go to marriage counselling, for the kids sake. In name you're a family, but together as one, spending time together, going on outings as a family unit, isn't really happening. Atleast learn to co parent together if you two plan on living in the same house. Back eachother up, so this means he HAS to step it up. Your kids will see this dynamic as the norm, mom and dad, not loving eachother, not affectionate, not sleeping in the same room. Later in life they may compare their relationships to what they saw at home.
karaann07 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Your kids will see this dynamic as the norm, mom and dad, not loving eachother, not affectionate, not sleeping in the same room. Later in life they may compare their relationships to what they saw at home. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with this. If a couple is going to stay together "for the kids", then kids need to believe that they have a healthy, happy family unit. Seeing mom and dad live in seperate rooms, not talk or share physical or emotional affection with each other, etc., does not do them any good. I know my 3 year old gets just giddy with excitement when both my husband and I play with her TOGETHER, or if we snuggle on the couch TOGETHER.
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