I am a bit lost right now...any input will be greatly appreciated

[Guanty]

Well, hope I am posting this in the correct section!

The thing is, I have been (as the title indicates) a bit confused lately.

I am in a relationship (for several years) with a girl who loves me, I have a good job, good looks (said so by others than my parents) and can't think of anything which is seriously wrong about me.During my entire life I managed to meet people and connect easily (men and women). I traveled a lot and neither culture or language were the barrier. I had few trusted real friends and lots of "pals". I seem to make positive impression on new people I meet and on the surface everything is looking great!

What bothers me is this: I moved to a new place several years ago. Today I looked back on the past 2-3 years and felt miserable about my life and my future. While I am in relationship with a wonderful girl, I am not happy in it. I don't have any "real" friends nearby but whats worse, I seem to have lost my ability to make new ones! I just don't "click" with people anymore. I find myself pretending and faking most of the time when I socialize with people.

They still say "he is such a nice guy" after, but it does nothing but buffle me.

I am not bitter, nothing terrible happened in my life recently and I can't think of any reason why I feel the way I feel, so I am truly lost!

[D-Lish]

Have you considered you could be experiencing depression?

[Guanty]

I studied psychology few years back and, like you said, I thought that maybe thats the problem. The thing is that while I have no problems seeking professional help, I just think that maybe depression is too serious of a term for me to consider, especially when I can't think of any reason why it would appear out of nowhere

[D-Lish]

Well, if you studied psychology, you'll remember that depression can strike at any time. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain- sometimes an event can trigger "situational" depression, but depression is an illness that can manifest at any time.

 

I only wondered because you mentioned losing interest in things that used to make you happy- which as you know is an early sign. What's your motivation like?

 

Regardless, it wouldn't hurt to seek the advice of a professional, there is certainly no harm in seeking an opinion from your doc...Afterall, that's what they are there for.

[Guanty]

you are absolutely right, its just that since everything seems to be so fine, sometimes I think I create my own problems as it looks like I got all the ingredients for, if not amazing, but least a content life! I have now been waiting for a couple of years for things to get better, but nothing changes. Pro help is the last resort because I still think that maybe there is something else I missed and can fix.

 

P.S. I am a true disciple of Behaviourism, so this is why I am always looking for a cause to figure out "why it happened". Then again, I am not a shrink

[D-Lish]

I think it's precisely because everything "should" feel fantastic given your circumstances, and it doesn't, that depression may be a factor. It could just be mild depression, but it also could be something else.

 

Is it possible that you might just not be in love with your gf anymore- even though she's a great person? That could conjur up a lot of guilt in a person. Just because the relationship should be a perfect alliance on paper doesn't mean that your feelings can't change. Good people fall out of love with good people all the time, and boy can that create a lot of guilt in a person.

[Guanty]

Yeah, maybe this is something that I don't want to admit to myself. We had a fantastic first year, but since then its been average at best. We went through a lot together (life-wise, no relationship problems) and can trust and count on each other. But I see her now as my best friend, and almost never as someone I love and this makes me feel awful, as she certainly does not deserve it.

[florence of suburbia]

Yeah, maybe this is something that I don't want to admit to myself. We had a fantastic first year, but since then its been average at best. We went through a lot together (life-wise, no relationship problems) and can trust and count on each other. But I see her now as my best friend, and almost never as someone I love and this makes me feel awful, as she certainly does not deserve it.

Do you live together?

[Guanty]

yes we do, for about 4 years now

[D-Lish]

Yeah, maybe this is something that I don't want to admit to myself. We had a fantastic first year, but since then its been average at best. We went through a lot together (life-wise, no relationship problems) and can trust and count on each other. But I see her now as my best friend, and almost never as someone I love and this makes me feel awful, as she certainly does not deserve it.

 

Hmm, it sounds like the above is your issue. It's totally reasonable to expect that this kind of guilt will eat away at you over time.

 

My exH and I had to face this situation. We'd been through so much- but after 7 years, we were best friends and no longer lovers. That realization ate away at both of us, because as much as we definitely loved one another, we weren't in love with one another near the end. It took him cheating to bring the marriage down. As much as I resented him for cheating, I understand why he sought affection elsewhere...

 

You know, these kinds of relationships are the hardest to break free from. There is nothing wrong with the relationship really, both of you are great people, you have compatibility, mutual respect, and a great sense of companionship... It's really hard to leave someone when neither party is doing anything wrong- the bond is still intact, it's just not romantic anymore. That leaves you feeling unfulfilled, but feeling incredibly guilty for feeling that way. If she was a bitch, you could justify moving on, but she's not.

 

As I said, leaving a relationship like this behind is more difficult than leaving someone that treats you badly.

 

I suspect that your road to recovery starts with a break up- I suspect you've known this for a while and just haven't faced that reality. I can see why that would make you feel like crap- you've got a lot of guilt going on inside of you.

[Guanty]

I suspect that your road to recovery starts with a break up- I suspect you've known this for a while and just haven't faced that reality. I can see why that would make you feel like crap- you've got a lot of guilt going on inside of you.

 

It is actually very scary to see this written by another person. Now I think I prefer the depression option, at least that one can be treated.

 

What you are saying is freakishly accurate, its just that common sense is one thing and dealing with the issue is another story. So many people around me have much bigger life and/or relationship problems, and they still manage to make it work. Losing what we have could be a huge mistake if I am wrong about this (however if what you say (and i think) is true, there is not much to lose). Yes, I have known this for a while, but managed to block it every time by thinking that its either me being full of sh*t or something else making me think this way. And eventually convinced myself.

[D-Lish]

It is actually very scary to see this written by another person. Now I think I prefer the depression option, at least that one can be treated.

 

What you are saying is freakishly accurate, its just that common sense is one thing and dealing with the issue is another story. So many people around me have much bigger life and/or relationship problems, and they still manage to make it work. Losing what we have could be a huge mistake if I am wrong about this (however if what you say (and i think) is true, there is not much to lose). Yes, I have known this for a while, but managed to block it every time by thinking that its either me being full of sh*t or something else making me think this way. And eventually convinced myself.

 

I think I can offer the insight because I have been in your shoes.

It's tantamount to breaking up with your best friend! As I said, I've been there, and wow did I struggle with it.

 

The thing is, as your curent situation illustrates, you actually do have more to lose by accepting things as they are and not doing anything- you're unhappy, that's not something you can deny, or change as long as your situation stays as it is.

 

Falling out of love with a great person doesn't make you a bad guy- you have to keep telling yourself that.

 

I believe 100% that it's guilt that is permeating your life right now, and it's stifling you.

 

Have you had a conversation with your gf? As hard as it may be to bring it up, it's the first step, and it's a necessary step.

[Guanty]

No, did not get anywhere near having THE conversation, to be honest up until yesterday I was not even sure about what was bothering me, hence my posts here;). Needed some advice/opinion from someone who does not know me, people around me mean well, but unfortunately are not very helpful, general feedback I get is "everything is going to be fine, we all have the same problems". I do feel much better now knowing that maybe I am not as messed up as I thought I was.