Mimolicious Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Don't tell her squad. F^^^ her! For trying to be a nice guy, you can start some unwated drama. Not like she had the same courtersy when she cheated. You don't have any ties but the financial, too bad is not her getting hitched, so you don't have to keep her in your life. Count your blessings and best of wishes! Congrats!
Gman95670 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Tell her nothing. Let her find out through the grapevine. You are not required to follow some unwritten book of etiquette. P.S. I'm also in CA, sounds like you needed a better lawyer.
michelangelo Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 be thankful the alimony ends in a year. If I part, I'm on the hook in california until I'm dead.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 be thankful the alimony ends in a year. If I part, I'm on the hook in california until I'm dead. and that is just a bunch of bulls##t. its the whole idea of having to upkeep a spouses lifestyle is a load of crap because the lifestyle of the one paying it decreases significantly
Darth Vader Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 be thankful the alimony ends in a year. If I part, I'm on the hook in california until I'm dead. Move from that crooked state, oh, let me guess, she doesn't want to move!
Richard Friedman Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 You deserve some credit for being strong enough to remove your cancer of an ex-wife unlike many of the chumps here who insist on "makin it work", but why the rush to get remarried? You of all people should know that modern marriage is a joke and bear trap for any high value male. No-fault divorce laws have made a once great institution into a sham contract which the lesser party can void on a whim There's no penalty to them but an actual incentive in the form of assets they did not earn and alimony. In any other realm we'd consider a person who'd sign such a contract a fool;due to hollywood and bull**** social conventions trumpeted by women we consider it some glorious romantic occasion and ignore the practical aspects. After being greivously wounded once you're putting yourself on the legal chopping block again! You're a doctor so you must have some brains;think long and hard about your motives(and your fiancees) before letting another woman hitch herself to your wagon. It is not beneficial to you, nor is it some holy grail to aspire to in life. Just a way for the woman to get more leverage in the relationship with the sanction of the state. If you want to "show your commitment" then make it a purely religious ceremony without signing any papers. And if you insist on putting your head in the sand and not learning anything from the harshest lessons, then at least get a prenup this time. Have a nice day.
michelangelo Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 be thankful the alimony ends in a year. If I part, I'm on the hook in california until I'm dead. Move from that crooked state, oh, let me guess, she doesn't want to move! Bingo. It's really unfair in the modern age.
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 No need to disclose your betrothal or upcoming nuptials to your exW. Kudos to you for moving on so fast. Wish I could process things like that. Good luck
Author whguy Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 You deserve some credit for being strong enough to remove your cancer of an ex-wife unlike many of the chumps here who insist on "makin it work", but why the rush to get remarried? You of all people should know that modern marriage is a joke and bear trap for any high value male. No-fault divorce laws have made a once great institution into a sham contract which the lesser party can void on a whim There's no penalty to them but an actual incentive in the form of assets they did not earn and alimony. In any other realm we'd consider a person who'd sign such a contract a fool;due to hollywood and bull**** social conventions trumpeted by women we consider it some glorious romantic occasion and ignore the practical aspects. After being greivously wounded once you're putting yourself on the legal chopping block again! You're a doctor so you must have some brains;think long and hard about your motives(and your fiancees) before letting another woman hitch herself to your wagon. It is not beneficial to you, nor is it some holy grail to aspire to in life. Just a way for the woman to get more leverage in the relationship with the sanction of the state. If you want to "show your commitment" then make it a purely religious ceremony without signing any papers. And if you insist on putting your head in the sand and not learning anything from the harshest lessons, then at least get a prenup this time. Have a nice day. Perhaps I'm an eternal optimist, but if I were to let my cancer of an ex-beast destroy my dreams of happiness through marriage, and of being part of a functional family unit, then I've given her far too big of a victory in my life. I look at marriage from a Christian standpoint and supplement that with my own goals of stability, and having someone to call a wife is truly a blessing. I can 100% relate to the cynical ideas that people have, but quite frankly, I don't want to be there. I have enough friends and family who are happily married to know that it is possible. To suggest that I haven't learned anything is without basis. I don't blame myself in any way, shape, or form for the affair, but I have learned hard lessons about taking things for granted, communication, and other things that I can use in the future to maintain my upcoming marriage appropriately. And like the car analogy, it will keep things running. Every relationship requires risk, whether it's a marriage, a fwb, or anything in between. In my case, the reward far outweighs the risk. As for the moving on quickly, it's not probably quite as quick as it sounds. I don't know that I ever relayed my story, but I found out about xw affair in January 2007. I emotionally checked out after further indiscretions mid-summer 2007. Took me until April 2008 to move out and until May 2009 to make things final (quite the battle there). So, while the divorce was finalized in May 2009, the relationship was over two years before that. 2007 and 2008 were lousy years, 2009 and 2010 have been great! 4 year turnaround isn't SUPER speedy...
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Perhaps I'm just envious that you could so quickly and completely enthrall a new and compatible partner, based on the prior hurts. My exW and I split up about two years ago, with the D just recently final, and I couldn't imagine already getting serious with someone and I really enjoyed being married, in general. Your fiance must be quite extraordinary. I personally couldn't imagine directly telling my exW about anything involving my personal life. If she found out through mutual friends, so be it. My friends are so tight-lipped and loyal, she didn't know about my mother dying until I told her just recently, a couple months after the fact. I didn't even really tell her. We had met to sign the MSA and file it at the courthouse along with our final D paperwork and I asked her if she had time for me to make a short stop on the way back. When we stopped at the crematory, she asked and I told her. Best wishes and, sometimes, the past is just the past, with no relevance to the future.
Author whguy Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 Perhaps I'm just envious that you could so quickly and completely enthrall a new and compatible partner, based on the prior hurts. My exW and I split up about two years ago, with the D just recently final, and I couldn't imagine already getting serious with someone and I really enjoyed being married, in general. Your fiance must be quite extraordinary. I personally couldn't imagine directly telling my exW about anything involving my personal life. If she found out through mutual friends, so be it. My friends are so tight-lipped and loyal, she didn't know about my mother dying until I told her just recently, a couple months after the fact. I didn't even really tell her. We had met to sign the MSA and file it at the courthouse along with our final D paperwork and I asked her if she had time for me to make a short stop on the way back. When we stopped at the crematory, she asked and I told her. Best wishes and, sometimes, the past is just the past, with no relevance to the future. She is definitely extraordinary. Everything definitely happens for a reason, and in my case, one chapter ended because there was something better out there. Yeah - definitely looking for every excuse for not saying a word. Every wedding book you see though, does talk about informing the ex. No desire other than the momentary "revenge" factor that would be unsatisfying in the long run. If anything, the thought of her finding out through others in an awkward situation is equally satisfying. Haha. I don't wish ill will, just have a bit of feeling human still in me. Such is life.
Darth Vader Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 (edited) Bingo. It's really unfair in the modern age. No wonder all the weirdos go out there! There may be a few sane people, but, come on! I remember watching Unsolved Mysteries, and many, many times they find the person at Large out there, well you know where this is heading....... If I had a nickle for every person who they found out there...... BTW, is there any way you can get the HELL away from her without paying alimony to her, other than Death, DON'T DO THAT! I mean doesn't she work? The lying lazy, cheating BIT-- Anyway, I hope you can do something. Edited December 3, 2010 by Darth Vader
silktricks Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 (edited) Long story short - left my XW in 2008 after her affair, had an ugly divorce - she didn't want the D so punished me as hard as she could financially (real winner of a person as you can tell). Recently became engaged again, wedding is next August. Reason I'm posting here is because I want to make sure I'm a decent guy and doing the right thing. I understand etiquette says you're supposed to inform an X spouse of new nuptuals. I expect her to find out (mutual friends) and don't particularly care if she ever knows or doesn't. Would it be appropriate, given the circumstances, to ignore etiquette and just let her find out on her own? The less I have to see this woman, talk to her, or deal with her, the better. But if I need to do the "right thing", I will, because I don't care to stoop to her level. High road, always! FWIW, no kids, no entanglements, just paying a doctor alimony. Gotta love CA! I never heard of that particular "etiquette" - it sounds ridiculous to me . I personally wouldn't do it. It's one thing if both are on good terms or have children, but in your circumstances I wouldn't spend the time or energy. Edited December 3, 2010 by silktricks
Recommended Posts