whguy Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Long story short - left my XW in 2008 after her affair, had an ugly divorce - she didn't want the D so punished me as hard as she could financially (real winner of a person as you can tell). Recently became engaged again, wedding is next August. Reason I'm posting here is because I want to make sure I'm a decent guy and doing the right thing. I understand etiquette says you're supposed to inform an X spouse of new nuptuals. I expect her to find out (mutual friends) and don't particularly care if she ever knows or doesn't. Would it be appropriate, given the circumstances, to ignore etiquette and just let her find out on her own? The less I have to see this woman, talk to her, or deal with her, the better. But if I need to do the "right thing", I will, because I don't care to stoop to her level. High road, always! FWIW, no kids, no entanglements, just paying a doctor alimony. Gotta love CA!
Iconoclast Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I understand etiquette says you're supposed to inform an X spouse of new nuptuals. It does? Where?
YellowShark Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Long story short - left my XW in 2008 after her affair, had an ugly divorce - I understand etiquette says you're supposed to inform an X spouse of new nuptuals. IMHO she didn't "inform" you of the affair did she? So don't feel an obligation to inform her of your upcoming wedding. Let her find out for herself. That's what I would do. BTW... CONGRATULATIONS!
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I know you want to be the better person here, but letting her know personally is only going to create drama for you. It ended badly, she screwed you over, why should you feel obligated? Are you worried what others might think, you getting re-married and not telling your ex? I just ask because of the drama that is going to follow once she knows. What if she contacts you, wants to meet your soon to be wife? Or tries to interfer? Also, what does your fiance think of all this? Is she okay with you contacting your ex-wife to tell her the news?
2sunny Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 you are no longer married to her. you don't owe her anything. focus that kind attention and consideration on the woman who matters now - your future wife.
JustJoe Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Long story short - left my XW in 2008 after her affair, had an ugly divorce - she didn't want the D so punished me as hard as she could financially (real winner of a person as you can tell). Recently became engaged again, wedding is next August. Reason I'm posting here is because I want to make sure I'm a decent guy and doing the right thing. I understand etiquette says you're supposed to inform an X spouse of new nuptuals. I expect her to find out (mutual friends) and don't particularly care if she ever knows or doesn't. Would it be appropriate, given the circumstances, to ignore etiquette and just let her find out on her own? The less I have to see this woman, talk to her, or deal with her, the better. But if I need to do the "right thing", I will, because I don't care to stoop to her level. High road, always! FWIW, no kids, no entanglements, just paying a doctor alimony. Gotta love CA!I admire your desire to take the "high road". But in this case, you need not bother. The divorce was about her infidelity, so you owe her nada.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I admire your desire to take the "high road". But in this case, you need not bother. The divorce was about her infidelity, so you owe her nada. Exactly. so punished me as hard as she could financially (real winner of a person as you can tell). With that said, why give her that respect to let her know that you're remarrying? Don't do it. You don't know her frame of mind, if she's still bitter. What if she goes on a revenge binge and as I mentioned earlier, tries to make problems for you and your fiance? Or even crashes your wedding? Last thing you and your soon to be bride need to deal with is a crazy exW. Let it go.
eleanorrigby Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I would not bother, especially because you have no mutual children together. Congratulations on your engagement
JAGeezer Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 She cheated, she added insult to injury by refusing to let you go when you wanted to leave, and you have no remaining family ties (kids, etc) with her. You don't owe here anything other than stony silence. She made her own bed. Let her lay in it. JAG
Author whguy Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 I know you want to be the better person here, but letting her know personally is only going to create drama for you. It ended badly, she screwed you over, why should you feel obligated? Are you worried what others might think, you getting re-married and not telling your ex? I just ask because of the drama that is going to follow once she knows. What if she contacts you, wants to meet your soon to be wife? Or tries to interfer? Also, what does your fiance think of all this? Is she okay with you contacting your ex-wife to tell her the news? We talked about it - that's how it came up honestly. My fiance almost wants me to tell - as you would guess, she has no sympathy for my ex, but I wouldn't say her motives are for the greater good. LOL. Thanks for the insight. I never really cared to share, just wanted to make sure I wasn't breaching some major etiquette point by not. Definitely agree that she doesn't deserve it. Also - thanks for the congrats! For anybody on this board that feels the worst they've ever felt after the discovery of infidelity, let this be a testimony that things do get better. 3 years after finding out and going through my own personal hell, life could not be better. Any of you - if you work to either move on or fix things, you will get to a FAR better place. Hang in there!
reservoirdog1 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I see no reason in the world why you need to tell your XW. You otherwise have no reason to contact her, so why bother? I'm not aware of any rule of etiquette that would require you to tell her directly. Besides, keep in mind that she put you through a hellish divorce. Which you wanted because SHE wrecked the marriage. (And you're still stuck paying alimony to her cheating ass -- I agree, that's a collossal injustice.) There was some satisfaction she was seeking through the divorce process, probably deriving from maintaining her hold on your life as long as she could, no matter how painful and difficult and expensive it was for you. Who knows if she ever got the satisfaction she was seeking. But now that that process is over (and she's still getting SOME satisfaction from knowing you have to send her money every month), she'd probably LOVE another chance to get the same satisfaction, to keep you in her orbit a bit longer. Only this time you're considering GIVING her that opportunity. For what? It's been more than two years since you divorced her cheating ass. And you have no reason to contact her, except sending her the monthly cheques. Fyck her -- let her find out on her own.
2sure Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 If you do not have children, you are under no social obligation to make her aware of the details of your life ever again. Thats the deal. If you want to be a gentleman because you loosely share some social circle, you could give her a call and let her know. However...the event is still one year away. Unless you are currently sending out save the date cards, it would be jumping the gun quite a bit and sound like gloating if you share this information with her FIRST, prior to formal announcements.
Darth Vader Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 We talked about it - that's how it came up honestly. My fiance almost wants me to tell - as you would guess, she has no sympathy for my ex, but I wouldn't say her motives are for the greater good. LOL. Thanks for the insight. I never really cared to share, just wanted to make sure I wasn't breaching some major etiquette point by not. Definitely agree that she doesn't deserve it. Also - thanks for the congrats! For anybody on this board that feels the worst they've ever felt after the discovery of infidelity, let this be a testimony that things do get better. 3 years after finding out and going through my own personal hell, life could not be better. Any of you - if you work to either move on or fix things, you will get to a FAR better place. Hang in there! I gotta ask, how did you end up paying her for her affair? What a BITCH she is!
Author whguy Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I gotta ask, how did you end up paying her for her affair? What a BITCH she is! California laws are pretty cut and dry when it comes to spousal support. I could have spent a bunch of money fighting some of the things, but it would have been more out of my pocket to the lawyers and more time wasted. I just wanted it over. Agreed on her being a bitch though. 100%. Luckily, not my problem outside of the pocketbook, and in a year, not my problem whatsoever!
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Long story short - left my XW in 2008 after her affair, had an ugly divorce - she didn't want the D so punished me as hard as she could financially (real winner of a person as you can tell). Recently became engaged again, wedding is next August. Reason I'm posting here is because I want to make sure I'm a decent guy and doing the right thing. I understand etiquette says you're supposed to inform an X spouse of new nuptuals. wrong, she isn't entitled to know, and hopefully this isn't an excuse to contact her. I expect her to find out (mutual friends) and don't particularly care if she ever knows or doesn't. so don't tell her....f### her. let her find out on her own. however, SHE is obligated to tell YOU if she is ever about to be married since you pay alimony.
Yvelysse Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 We talked about it - that's how it came up honestly. My fiance almost wants me to tell - as you would guess, she has no sympathy for my ex, but I wouldn't say her motives are for the greater good. LOL. If your affianced insists write a 'Dear Jane' letter and leave it at that!
Author whguy Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 so don't tell her....f### her. let her find out on her own. however, SHE is obligated to tell YOU if she is ever about to be married since you pay alimony. Obviously this is a couple months old - this is exactly what was decided. The less communication, the better.
Darth Vader Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 wrong, she isn't entitled to know, and hopefully this isn't an excuse to contact her. so don't tell her....f### her. let her find out on her own. however, SHE is obligated to tell YOU if she is ever about to be married since you pay alimony. Will her remarrying reduce the amount he has to pay, or eliminate it?
Author whguy Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Will her remarrying reduce the amount he has to pay, or eliminate it? It would reduce significantly. Just don't see that happening in the next year though. She's too much of a workaholic to invest time in a relationship... So - not getting my hopes up. Would be a nice surprise though!
martini-mae Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Never heard of such a thing so I'm not sure what etiquette book you're readin' but - No Kids = Why on earth do you care if she knows or not? You have no other ties to her besides the alimony (which she is entitled to affair or not in most states) Why would you contact her just to say - Hey Hon, gettin' married? Unless you're looking to get some sort of rise out of her & create drama in your own life ~ Oops. Didn't see this was such an old posting. Probably doesn't matter one way or the other now.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Will her remarrying reduce the amount he has to pay, or eliminate it? eliminate since it is now the new husband's "job" to provide for her.
Author whguy Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 eliminate since it is now the new husband's "job" to provide for her. In my case, there were two parts of what she milked. The first was support which was pretty mathematical. The second was what she claimed were "reimbursements". As CA is community property, everything is split 50/50 so despite the fact that she kept the house and is planning to stay in for a long while, I had to pay half the difference in a down market. There were other things in there that were far more suspect that left me with a big check every month. Basically she decided what she "thought she needed to live" and used the court system and her sleazy lawyer to push the issue. In the end, I decided against $30,000 in legal fees and wasted time to push it to a trial and gave her roughly the same amount of cash over time. Think she ever took responsibility for the downfall of the marriage? Won't care in a year when the payments are done, and she's broke and alone.
turnstone Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Also - thanks for the congrats! For anybody on this board that feels the worst they've ever felt after the discovery of infidelity, let this be a testimony that things do get better. 3 years after finding out and going through my own personal hell, life could not be better. Any of you - if you work to either move on or fix things, you will get to a FAR better place. Hang in there! Having very recently got engaged myself after divorcing from a serial cheater, I wanted to endorse what you say here. I too am in a far better place, and OMG YES, its worth hanging in there Many congratulations! Secondly, no way in hell will I tell the exH, he has no right, or need, of any consideration for anything and I'm glad you decided the same thing.
HappyAtLast Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 eliminate since it is now the new husband's "job" to provide for her. Sadly, that is not always the case. It depends upon how the divorce decree is worded. A friend of my daughter-in-law has been remarried for three years now and her ex-husband is still paying alimony. Their decree was worded with an end date but not a remarriage or cohabitation clause.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Sadly, that is not always the case. It depends upon how the divorce decree is worded. A friend of my daughter-in-law has been remarried for three years now and her ex-husband is still paying alimony. Their decree was worded with an end date but not a remarriage or cohabitation clause. well the friend of your DIL is a scumbag.
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