GoingInsane Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Hi all. I've been reading all of the posts on this forum today and feel so confused and anxious, I thought I'd post here and ask for some advice. I feel like my situation isn't like any other so the advice of NC, moving on, etc doesn't quite fit. A bit of background. I had been in a relationship with my ex for just over two years. I feel like we were never really on the same page looking back and have tremendous guilt that I didn't even realise how much I loved her until this split. And I'm filled with regret and remorse for hurting her. When we got together, she fell hard and fast, I was a bit unsure. I'd had a distructive "relationship" (nothing physical) with someone for a year or so, it was almost obsessional. When we hooked up, I guess I was still not over my feelings for the other person, my GF was insecure about it and I don't think I gave her the reassurance or support she deserved. I eventually cut all contact with the other woman, but only after some rows and upset. But during this first three months, our relationship was very intense. We never really dated, just hooked up and were practically living together almost immediately. I think I took her for granted, I knew she adored me (and what an amazing feeling to have) and I feel really ashamed that I probably didn't put the effort in. I felt a bit overwhelmed but I wanted her and our relationship grew. We had some ups and downs, but we deeply loved one another and talked about plans for the future etc. Physically things dropped off quite early on, for a variety of reasons, and we both had our insecurities which meant that we didn't discuss it but avoided it. I had felt for a while that neither of us were happy - she'd had a family death to deal with which hit her hard and my feelings of insecurity were getting bigger and bigger by the day. 2 weeks ago, we finally talked about where our relationship was going and we were both extremely upset at the thought of splitting. She said she needed some time to think which turned into the longest week of my life. I gave her the space (after a couple of minor wobbles) and set about really looking at myself and what I had done to drive us to this point. She was telling a mutual friend that she didn't know what to do but knew we needed to talk, so last Wed we met up to decide what to do. We went for a long drive, she told me all of the things I'd done to hurt and upset her, I listened, apologised for the things I knew were wrong and tried to explain some of my other actions. I asked her what she wanted to do and her silence spoke volumes. So we agreed to split. For the first time in a week, I felt a sense of calm. We returned to my house, had a friendly chat and cuddle on the sofa and she left, with us both agreeing that our relationship had become more like friendship and that we would remain the best of friends - it felt like a natural thing to do. The next day, she text and asked if she, I and a mutaul friend should go out for tea after work the following Tuesday. That's when it hit me. Although we may well have drifted into a friendship, it couldn't just move to that as though the relationship never happened. She phoned me that evening and I had a chance for my say which she listened to before abruptly saying she had to go. We text that same evening, saying lovely things about one another and I apologised again for the hurt I had caused (she did likewise) and she said that she wouldn't text again until I was ready. The next day I felt like I was going insane. I felt like we were making a terrible mistake and that I loved her and wanted to make her happy. I spent a full day in a meeting at work, driving myself crazy and when I got out I text her and said "have we made the right decision?" She didn't reply. I talked to our mutual friend who said that she was upset and hurt, but she DID think she'd made the right decision - so I text her again to say "sorry, was just going a bit crazy, I know we've made the right decision". She sent a nice text back with "thinking of you x" at the end. Fri night and Sat NC. I was alternating between being calm and being manic. Feelings of regret and guilt and love were washing over me but I didn't contact her and tried to get my head into some sort of order. That eveing she sent me a text saying "sorry, I know I said I wouldn't contact you, just wanted to know you're okay". We exchanged some nice but trivial messages and that was that. By Sunday morining I was in turmoil again. Head spinning, almost like a panic attack type feeling. We talked Sunday night and it felt okay again, we both said that we really wanted to be friends. The thought of not having her in my life kills me and I know that she's hurting and upset too. But I also know that you can't package up all the good parts of the relationship, rebrand it friendship and expect things to be the same. I'm so confused. Sorry for the long message - just two days to go! Monday she saw me from her office window at work getting into my car and text to say "hey, where you running off to". A couple of small talk texts and then she asked if she could come round that eveing to get a couple of things. When she came, my head was all ovber the place. It was such a lovely evening, we talked, laughed, I felt a spark. We both said how upset we had been, how difficult it was but no talk of getting back together. The next day, the cycle began again. An overwhelming sense of panic - had we done the right thing, what if we were throwing it all away, was she sure, would she tell me if she wasn't sure. So I did it again and asked her. She said "I can't do this. It would be easy to get back together but it would fall apart in months and would be too painful for us both". I said I thought it could work but that I would respect jer decision (I know, I was being passive agressive!) and said that I just wanted to talke the pain for us both away - she said "you can't". The problem I have. We're both hurting. We're both upset and I think we both have regrets. She thinks we can go to being best friends but I know that we can't. But I don't want to cut her out of my life and don't feel the way we ended or the talks we've had since merit the whole no contact thing. We haven't spoken or text since Tues evening - I think she's giving me space but still wants to be freinds, or maybe I've even pushed her too far now by not letting go. I just don't know what to do.
Author GoingInsane Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 God I'm a mess. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I think that she's hurting as much as me, she's told me she is, she's text to see I'm okay and is desperate to remain "best friends". I feel guilty for hurting her in the past, go over and over in my head all the times where I might not have given her the attention and love she deserved. I get desperate to fix things and make it all alright. Then other times I think that she's already moved on. That she's relieved its over and she doesn't need to worry about me any more. I think she might feel guilt that she's not as cut up about things as me but that she's happy to be facing the new challenges in her life and I was an am a burden. That she's just telling me she's struggling and hurting to make me feel better about myself. We've had no contact for 2 days. She's out with a mutual friend tonight. Sometimes I think its better if she has moved on, then I can start the process myself. Then I feel crushed that she might have been able to do so within a week and she must have wanted to leave me for months.
Sunny-side-up Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Coming from the "dumpee" position, I had a realtionship with a great guy (nicest guy I've ever met) but I didn't feel he was the one. I ended it... (we were living together at the time) he moved out and we had NC for about a week to two weeks at a time. A couple of months after we split, we went away together on a short break... Its now 12mths later, we see each other perhaps every couple of months or so. I agree... in some situations, complete NC is almost unnatural but I do believe both parties need time away from each other to gather their thoughts and move on with their lives. My ex and I are good mates... not like we were but mates all the same.
isitreal Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 What's sad is you can't really fight for a person unless they want you to. Take it from experience, if you try too aggressively, you'll push her away and give her a real reason as to why you guys aren't in a relationship. Emotional instability. If they've decided this is for the best every effort you make will just push them away. Right now I think she's left you with the option of being best friends...this obviously can't happen in your state of mind...I think you're going to have to NC and sit this out for a bit.
Author GoingInsane Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 skogar - I didn't tell her that I was going NC, although a mutual friend said to her that we both need some space and advised her to stop texting etc - so she knows I'm not just ignoring her to be cruel or make her feel bad. The last contact we had was on Tuesday. We'd been in a meeting together at work, then she text and it culminated in me having a complete panic, reading too much into things and asking her again if she was sure. In a way I needed that to get my head straight, but I think it might have worried her that we couldn't be freinds if I was going to be asking her after every contact if there was still a chance. I'm now in a bit of self-induced limbo! I don't know when I should make contact.
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