Should I send it

[crazycatlady]

I really don't feel like getting into my whole situation, so really I'm asking the folks who know the whole story. Anyone else wants to comment find, and I'll answer questions, I just don't feel up to typing everything right now.

 

I have written her a letter....a very long letter. I hate writing on the backs of paper so its 9 front pages long. I don't think I left anything out. But I do jump all over the place. I'm not very harsh or at least not that much, I am extremely honest though.

 

I do feel better having written it. So that helped.

 

I'm not sure she will write it that long. I don't know if I should mail it, type it out to email, type it out and mail it that way, or just burn it and attempt to let go of all my emotions dealing with this while it goes up in smoke. I think the last option is pretty much admitting the there will be no recovering that relationship. I can't see it ever making it back to what it was before this happened anyway, but .... I miss my sister.

 

So, advice please?

 

Also, should I let H read it too?

 

CCL

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not sure I've ever personally responded to any of your posts, but they've touched me and I find your candid attitude inspiring, and hate that you found yourself in that crappy place.

 

I think you have 3 great motives for 'doing it'...

 

One is your own peace of mind. This HAS been eating away at you (Christ - it would anyone!!) and anything you can do to help that must be a good thing.

 

Secondly, you miss your sister. And although this won't 'make everything better' I think it will make things somewhat better. Even if things get worse first, I think they'll get better.

 

Thirdly it's my opinion that this 'unrest' between you and she is an invisible obstacle between yourself and your husband. It may be small and immaterial, but it's there. I think sharing this with him, and drawing your line... I think that will benefit you both as a couple, too.

 

 

 

Practically speaking... could you take constructive criticism from your husband? The process was cathartic and I applaud that. Could you and he work together (I can't begin to imagine how hard that would be so please forgive me if I'm being callous) to reduce it to, say, 3 sides and what you can't fit in 3 sides will never be said, but what really NEEDS to be said will be in there.

 

I think it's very cool you've taken some action for you.

[Snowflower]

CCL, put the letter away for a few days then get it out and read it again. Likely, you will find things that you want to remove and things that you want to add. Then put it away again for a little while and you will likely see even more things that you would like to change. This time also gives you the chance to reflect on whether or not you want to send the letter.

 

I also think you should show the letter (after you've made your changes) to your husband. It could be an important part of the healing process in your marriage because he will likely read all your raw emotions that you have put out there about that double betrayal. It might be a good point of discussion for the two of you. Some time has passed since this has all happened and your perspective (and his) has likely changed.

 

If you are in MC/IC I would suggest taking the final draft of the letter to your session, as well. Maybe read it aloud to your husband at that point.

 

Not sure that helps but it is the best I can suggest.

 

(((CCL)))

[jj33]

Great post Silly. Great advice. I think you should send something

 

You need to be heard. You have taken the highest road imaginable and in some ways it means you are settling for the superficial with your sister who you love so dearly, despite her flaws and what has happened.

 

She is not an ex friend or ex lover you will never see again. She is your sister. Your feelings have to be heard. You have to know you are heard and give her a chance to respond and work through the mess of what has happened. Its too close to be swept under the carpet.

 

Your posts have touched me as well.

 

Hugs (great big ones)

 

jj

[crazycatlady]

The letter was written over the course of like 2 weeks. I wrote it at work during my down time. I think part of the reason why I did it there was to keep me from going all raging on it.

 

I tried very hard to limit "H told me this" and "H said this happened". And focus mainly on my feelings. I am not sure I could shorten the letter much there is a whole lot of pent up emotion. I left out some things because it didn't seem fair to blame her for the fact that this brought back feelings from my childhood about feeling like I did not belong at home, being not wanted.

 

SG - You hit on all the reasons why I want to send it, including the feeling that this issue between she and I is preventing the full healing between H and I. But while I think this is a crappy situation, I am ok. And once again, I think the hardship has been very beneficial to my marriage. Its opened things up that we hadn't disclosed with each other, I'm becoming more comfortable with making demands for me, and its really been -man this is going to sound strange - empowering to me. I realized fairly quickly that this was NOT a problem with me. This was not an affair where the marriage was struggling. Yes he was having problems, but not us, and not me. The situation might suck, but I'm good. Plus, its also empowering to know that I can take care of myself, and be willing to leave if its in my best interest.

 

As for him criticing my letter to help me pare it down.....Ugh, I don't know lol I'm a little sensitive about my writing. I know he will correct my spelling mistakes, and my grammer, etc and .....nah I don't really care. And helping me make it less rambling might be a good idea. I know he thinks I need to figure out how to handle this and to work on letting it go I kinda went off a little while ago which actually is what prompted my writing this.

 

Snow - Because I've been writing this off and one for a week or so now I've read and changed things as I've gone along. But putting it away for a few days without thinking or looking at it might be a good idea. Thanks.

 

JJ - Oddly enough I say the same thing in the letter, about sweeping it under the rug and that's what I feel she is trying to do.

 

Ladies thankyou for taking the time and responding. Its weird, but I feel so much more comfortable asking advice on this board about my situation then on the infidelity board. While I did talk about the pain and I do want her to see what I went through, I really don't want to cause her pain. But at the same time, I don't want to feel I have to censor what I want to say around her either, nor do I want to have to ditch her as a friend.

 

CCL

[Silly_Girl]

I think you have to move on for the sake of your own happiness, and in the circumstances you should feel free to do anything and everything that allows you to do that and not be too aware of how things may(/may not) affect others. If you like the letter as it is, and it does the job for you, send it.

 

Good vibes to you CCL.

[wheelwright]

(((CCL)))

 

I think that all the things that are about you getting stuff off your chest should be a 'diary' letter.

 

And all the things about where this goes, your future with your sister (or without) and that deal with hurt that speaks in a way it may create change should be in.

 

Because getting it off your chest is something to be done in a safe environment where you know the other means you well enough to take it (given their state of mind too).

 

Whereas working to a future means opening doors to communication that don't close the other person down, while still remaining true to how you feel.

 

And what Snowflower advised is so important, because we often think we are doing the latter, when in fact it is the former. And the line is fine.

 

In fact, I'd advise waiting a month before a re-read pre-sending. It's at least that important.

 

And I have two questions. Why do you want your H to read it?

 

Why do you think a letter is the way?

 

(OH - and a letter is a letter - don't demean it to an email! )

 

And I will make a guess at the partial reasons to these questions, and I am probably way off the mark.

 

1. It's because you want your H aware of this side of the hurt he caused you in a deeper way than he has seen yet - not saying he hasn't gone there.

 

2. Because your sister isn't going to listen if you talk - and you want her to hear you right. (Letter = tick over email here I think).

 

And if these prospective answers are wrong, I still think it's worth answering the questions.

 

I guess like all writing, you have a reader in mind. You, the world, or a specific audience. Whom you wish to hear back from or not.

 

I thought of another question then. What do you want to hear back from your audience/s?

 

Sorry, I just came up with a whole lot of questions...

 

(((hugs again CCL)))

[pureinheart]

Hugggs CCL...send it. You guys need to reconcile, all of you. I think your H will take it well. As far as your sister, if she doesn't then at least you did EVERYTHING possible....after this, you are reduced to "playing the game" until she decides to get it right with you...BUT you tried in an open honest way:).

 

Good luck....

[jj33]

CCL its not about causing her pain.

 

I sense from your posts that you are very nonconfrontational. And in many situations that is great. But where someone has caused real searing pain and hurt and there has been this sort of a betrayal, it needs to be aired.

 

If you protect her from the pain, you stunt her growth. How can she ever be the sister you need her to be and the sister she can be if you dont bring this out? Its likely your family of origin handles things this way (with no criticism towards them) if you both have left this undiscussed or so very long.

 

As a result, she may be wary of bringing it up with you, if thats not how conflicts are handled in your family.

 

Take the big step. It can only help your healing and it cant hurt your relationship.

 

I ran into xMM recently. We had a few moment when noone else was within earshot. There was an incident that had hurt me deeply and after months of pretending everything is fine after all we arent together anymore, its not important, I broached it with him, and he apologised profusely and I felt released from the hurt I had been harboring. And as contrite as he was, I think on some level he felt better too. It was too big a deal not to have it sitting there as the elephant in the room.

 

This is your elephant in the room. And its far bigger so it needs to be addressed

 

Big hugs

[jthorne]

A couple of questions and a comment.

 

What do you hope the outcome will be by sending the letter?

What, knowing your sister is a serial OW and how she reacted this summer, do you think the REAL outcome will be?

 

Now the comment. Most all OW say that if approached by the BS to say, "ask your husband". So why is this different? Obviously, she didn't care that you were her sister when she slept with your H. So really, how is she different from any other self-entitled serial OW? She acted like a trashy OW, not like a sister. So that's what she chooses to be. That's her choice. Why not honor that choice?

 

Your husband is the real person that should read the letter. If you think your sister should read it after that, send it.

But she's incidental.

[crazycatlady]

I am going to respond in bold in the replies, simply because its easier then trying to snip everything apart.

 

*****

 

wheelwright

 

(((CCL)))

 

I think that all the things that are about you getting stuff off your chest should be a 'diary' letter.

 

And all the things about where this goes, your future with your sister (or without) and that deal with hurt that speaks in a way it may create change should be in.

 

Because getting it off your chest is something to be done in a safe environment where you know the other means you well enough to take it (given their state of mind too).

 

Whereas working to a future means opening doors to communication that don't close the other person down, while still remaining true to how you feel.

 

And what Snowflower advised is so important, because we often think we are doing the latter, when in fact it is the former. And the line is fine.

 

This is a worry to me because I really can be snarky and passive-aggressive at times. Which I am trying not to be. I tried to edit while writing it, but I'm starting to think maybe splitting it as suggested is a good idea. 1 where I can get my snark out, and maybe let my loved ones (meaning my friends who have been through this with me) read just because sharing is important and 1 where I can be truthful and honest but not mean.

 

In fact, I'd advise waiting a month before a re-read pre-sending. It's at least that important.

 

I wonder if I wait too long I'm going to come off as this person who can't let go of a grudge. We are coming up on a year that I've known. I know we all know that's not much time, but for my H and her? It is. They have short attention spans towards others.

 

And I have two questions. Why do you want your H to read it?

 

One of the things that hurt me most about their affair is being out of the loop. Being the one who knew the least about what was going on. This is about shedding light on the matter. No more hiding. In order to truly do that, I think letting him know what I am telling her is important.

 

Why do you think a letter is the way?

 

Because she has refused to answer my phone calls. She ignores text messages from me, and when I was there, she arranged things so we were never alone together.

(OH - and a letter is a letter - don't demean it to an email! )

 

And I will make a guess at the partial reasons to these questions, and I am probably way off the mark.

 

1. It's because you want your H aware of this side of the hurt he caused you in a deeper way than he has seen yet - not saying he hasn't gone there.

 

No, H has seen this side of the hurt. H has seen the hurt when it was at its rawest. When I was back visiting and things went down hill fast. He understands how deeply I was wounded which actually does not come out in this letter. Not to that extent. And that's ok. She doesn't need to see.

 

2. Because your sister isn't going to listen if you talk - and you want her to hear you right. (Letter = tick over email here I think).

 

Yes. And this is the last form of communication to try. If this doesn't reach her then I guess that's my answer.

 

And if these prospective answers are wrong, I still think it's worth answering the questions.

 

I guess like all writing, you have a reader in mind. You, the world, or a specific audience. Whom you wish to hear back from or not.

 

When I started writing I was writing to her. But as I kept writing I was letting go of a great deal of internal feelings. It was a form of really looking at what was bothering me and getting it all out on paper. So I could look at it and see it. I've talked about it with friends, but some how the act of writing it all down, and not just typig it like i've done here, was cathartic.

 

I thought of another question then. What do you want to hear back from your audience/s?

 

I don't know. Which is why I am debating sending it in the first place. (I'll get into that more in someone else's answer).

 

 

(((hugs again CCL)))

 

********

 

jj33CCL its not about causing her pain.

 

I sense from your posts that you are very nonconfrontational. And in many situations that is great. But where someone has caused real searing pain and hurt and there has been this sort of a betrayal, it needs to be aired.

 

I prefer to build people up now adays then taken them down. Though I do have my moments when I am pushed to my limits. I am more daring online then in person. lol Aren't we all?

 

If you protect her from the pain, you stunt her growth. How can she ever be the sister you need her to be and the sister she can be if you dont bring this out? Its likely your family of origin handles things this way (with no criticism towards them) if you both have left this undiscussed or so very long.

 

I was going to answer this differently, because man my family loves to fight....but you know, we fight about piddly stuff, but the emotional crap. That is usually saved up for years until some drunken night out it comes bubbling.

 

As a result, she may be wary of bringing it up with you, if thats not how conflicts are handled in your family.

 

I hadn't thought of that.

 

Take the big step. It can only help your healing and it cant hurt your relationship.

 

You are right, this can't hurt our relationship any more. The worse thing that could happen is it could get out to everyone. And while I do not care in the least if that happens for myself, I don't want it out because of my kids.

 

This is your elephant in the room. And its far bigger so it needs to be addressed

 

Big hugs

 

******

 

jthorne *A couple of questions and a comment.

 

What do you hope the outcome will be by sending the letter?

What, knowing your sister is a serial OW and how she reacted this summer, do you think the REAL outcome will be?

 

I think a possible real outcome if she even reads the letter will be to shrug it off on a superficial level....and deep down she will ponder it, possibly go into a depression. One consideration to not send it. Because she is a little mentally unstable. H says he doesn't think she is a serial OW and says those things to make herself feel better. Not sure how that works, but he thinks she is lying about it. That's his take. I'm not so sure.

 

Another possible outcome will be the same as the rest, the letter gets there and she throws it away unopened. That is the one I expect the most.

 

Now the comment. Most all OW say that if approached by the BS to say, "ask your husband". So why is this different? Obviously, she didn't care that you were her sister when she slept with your H. So really, how is she different from any other self-entitled serial OW? She acted like a trashy OW, not like a sister. So that's what she chooses to be. That's her choice. Why not honor that choice?

 

I'm not asking her for answers. I do not ask her any questions aside from a couple of rhetorical ones (I think I asked a few of those, maybe I didn't). All this was is letting her know what she did to me. I sometimes think she some how managed to disjoint reality. H was just some married man, not her sister's husband, that sort of thing.

 

Also....I think some of the serial OW is a sign of her illness (she is bipolar). She needs counseling. If I had to pick an outcome I was hoping to happen, she would go into counseling and maybe become a happier person. Even if she and I never regain what we lost, if she heals some of her broken soul, that would be good. Hell, I'll take the pain I went through if it helps heal my little sister.

 

Your husband is the real person that should read the letter. If you think your sister should read it after that, send it.

 

There is nothing in the letter that I have not told H. Yes I want him to read it because I want him to see what I'm saying to her so there is nothing hidden. I want the light on all of it.

 

But she's incidental.

 

If she were incidental I could have moved on by now. But she's not.

 

****

 

 

I am going to remove the quotes so if you want to respond to mine in a reply its easier. I'll keep who wrote what in front of each section of replies.

[pureinheart]

A couple of questions and a comment.

 

What do you hope the outcome will be by sending the letter?

What, knowing your sister is a serial OW and how she reacted this summer, do you think the REAL outcome will be?

 

Now the comment. Most all OW say that if approached by the BS to say, "ask your husband". So why is this different? Obviously, she didn't care that you were her sister when she slept with your H. So really, how is she different from any other self-entitled serial OW? She acted like a trashy OW, not like a sister. So that's what she chooses to be. That's her choice. Why not honor that choice?

 

Your husband is the real person that should read the letter. If you think your sister should read it after that, send it.

But she's incidental.

 

I seriously doubt "trashy" describes in any way, shape or form the exact nature of this situation, or any for that matter.

Edited September 23, 2010 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

CCL its not about causing her pain.

 

I sense from your posts that you are very nonconfrontational. And in many situations that is great. But where someone has caused real searing pain and hurt and there has been this sort of a betrayal, it needs to be aired.

 

If you protect her from the pain, you stunt her growth. How can she ever be the sister you need her to be and the sister she can be if you dont bring this out? Its likely your family of origin handles things this way (with no criticism towards them) if you both have left this undiscussed or so very long.

 

As a result, she may be wary of bringing it up with you, if thats not how conflicts are handled in your family.

 

Take the big step. It can only help your healing and it cant hurt your relationship.

 

I ran into xMM recently. We had a few moment when noone else was within earshot. There was an incident that had hurt me deeply and after months of pretending everything is fine after all we arent together anymore, its not important, I broached it with him, and he apologised profusely and I felt released from the hurt I had been harboring. And as contrite as he was, I think on some level he felt better too. It was too big a deal not to have it sitting there as the elephant in the room.

 

This is your elephant in the room. And its far bigger so it needs to be addressed

 

Big hugs

 

Wow, that is awesome...

[wheelwright]

Just to say you seem to be considering things really thoroughly, so 'm sure the final letter will be a good thing.

 

I hope your sister bucks up and listens.

[jj33]

CCL maybe I wasnt clear enough or maybe I was in which point ignore the post but Im not suggesting that you should want to cause her pain.

 

Its that when someone has hurt you deeply you dont need to swallow it. This is not a petty greivance. Your feelings are important and you are putting EVERYONE above you in terms of their emotional needs.

 

Its OK for your H because you had an open relationship.

 

You cant let anyone know because you dont want your kids to konw.

 

Both of those are fair enough but anyone should know a sister is out of bounds. No matter how open the relationshp.

 

But your sister? Stating your feelings is not tearing her down. Honor yourself the way you honor others. Otherwise it will eat you up inside.

 

Sometimes we have no choice but to bear the pain and get over it. But you deserve the chance to heal the relationshp and that wont happen unless you try to let her know how you feel.

 

As an aside arguing about petty things is not the same as being open about your feelings with one another.

 

Take good care I can only imagine how difficult this must be

[crazycatlady]

CCL maybe I wasnt clear enough or maybe I was in which point ignore the post but Im not suggesting that you should want to cause her pain.

 

Its that when someone has hurt you deeply you dont need to swallow it. This is not a petty greivance. Your feelings are important and you are putting EVERYONE above you in terms of their emotional needs.

 

Its OK for your H because you had an open relationship.

 

You cant let anyone know because you dont want your kids to konw.

 

Both of those are fair enough but anyone should know a sister is out of bounds. No matter how open the relationshp.

 

But your sister? Stating your feelings is not tearing her down. Honor yourself the way you honor others. Otherwise it will eat you up inside.

 

Sometimes we have no choice but to bear the pain and get over it. But you deserve the chance to heal the relationshp and that wont happen unless you try to let her know how you feel.

 

As an aside arguing about petty things is not the same as being open about your feelings with one another.

 

Take good care I can only imagine how difficult this must be

 

JJ - I am trying to be careful because a part of me wants to be mean and to hurt her just as much as I have been hurt. I'm really struggling with that one which is why its a concern. Plus sometimes I do not bring things up because it would hurt others.

 

And while it might sound like my H got off lightly, no he did not. He just, he faced me. He faced my pain, he took my pain when I lashed out at him, and he has done it every time it comes up. She has hidden. And just as a sister should be off limits, so should a husband lol. And I'm not sure if you were saying he got off lightly or not. I'm tired its been a long day at work.

 

But anyway I am trying to be honest with my feelings while not being passive-aggresive cruel. Because a part of me wanted to wallow in the fact that she is alone.

 

This is one thing i get from being here. It helps me keep the OW - her - human. You ladies have no idea how much this means to me. I don't want to lose myself to that dark side. Yes I need to tell her these things, but I need to do it in a way that is graceful for lack of a better word. Because no matter what happened to me, I can't let it make me a bitter woman. I didn't let some of the things in my past make me this way, I can't let this....I'm better then that. I need to be better then that for me.

 

Also I don't want family to know because my family can't keep a secret for anything. I'm sure she will one day tell because of it. But I told plenty of people here. People I know won't say anything to kids, or near kids. But I told as many as I could that I trusted with it.

 

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm trying to do like four things at once lol. Busy evening.

 

CCL

[jj33]

I understand that you are very compassionate.

 

All Im saying is its not you dont own whether she is bitter or not. The fact that she would sleep with your H suggests she has issues she needs to address. Thats her journey not yours. You just need to speak your truth. And if ugly words come out they come out, feelings are ugly sometimes.

 

You cant sugar coat everything. That is not how life is.

 

Anyway I am just an anonymous poster. You know your truth and how you want to handle things. I just want you to look after you. Its nice that you want to be kind but sometimes people need a real wake up call to see that they need to change their behavior.

 

Edited to add: I understand to a degree how you feel about this. I had a very big issues with my brother about 10 years ago. I never ranted and raved at him. When the time was right I just told him that after my Mom died since we live far away its unlikely we would see much of each other and that was sad. He was oblivious. I later explained that I understood where he was coming from but that I couldnt count on him when the chips were down and if you cant do that, well isnt that what familys all about. It was very very disappointing as he was always my best friend even tho weve lived far away from each other for more than 20 years. We used to talk on the phone all the time, now we speak a few times a year for just a few minutes. Nothing can undo what happened. I love him, I will always be there for him if he needs me but we dont really have a relationship anymore. He'll always be my brother nothing can change that but I cant not know where he stands when the going gets rough. If I were ever ill, if I ever needed anything I would not go to him.

 

Perhaps you are a bigger person than I am. I appreciate the need not to hurt your sister. I felt the same. I have never ever said an unkind word to him. But I did tell him the truth. It would be impossible to pour out all the words to him, because it wounded me so deeply. And because like you, I want to protect him from the hurt he has inflicted. But he knows. Just like your sister knows.

Edited September 23, 2010 by jj33

[freestyle]

Hey CCL..........

 

How are you going to feel if she never responds after you send it to her?Are you preparing yourself mentally/emotionally for that possibility?

 

Also, I'd recommend against burning it---at least for awhile. Maybe you could deep six a copy of it in the closet for awhile.

 

And, I like WW's suggestion that you wait longer,revisit it, and edit.

 

Hopefully, this has been cathartic for you. I can't even fathom the pain you must be feeling over what happened.

[crazycatlady]

I understand that you are very compassionate.

 

All Im saying is its not you dont own whether she is bitter or not. The fact that she would sleep with your H suggests she has issues she needs to address. Thats her journey not yours. You just need to speak your truth. And if ugly words come out they come out, feelings are ugly sometimes.

 

You cant sugar coat everything. That is not how life is.

 

Anyway I am just an anonymous poster. You know your truth and how you want to handle things. I just want you to look after you. Its nice that you want to be kind but sometimes people need a real wake up call to see that they need to change their behavior.

 

Edited to add: I understand to a degree how you feel about this. I had a very big issues with my brother about 10 years ago. I never ranted and raved at him. When the time was right I just told him that after my Mom died since we live far away its unlikely we would see much of each other and that was sad. He was oblivious. I later explained that I understood where he was coming from but that I couldnt count on him when the chips were down and if you cant do that, well isnt that what familys all about. It was very very disappointing as he was always my best friend even tho weve lived far away from each other for more than 20 years. We used to talk on the phone all the time, now we speak a few times a year for just a few minutes. Nothing can undo what happened. I love him, I will always be there for him if he needs me but we dont really have a relationship anymore. He'll always be my brother nothing can change that but I cant not know where he stands when the going gets rough. If I were ever ill, if I ever needed anything I would not go to him.

 

Perhaps you are a bigger person than I am. I appreciate the need not to hurt your sister. I felt the same. I have never ever said an unkind word to him. But I did tell him the truth. It would be impossible to pour out all the words to him, because it wounded me so deeply. And because like you, I want to protect him from the hurt he has inflicted. But he knows. Just like your sister knows.

 

Sometimes strangers online can see things a different angle then those involved. Like my friends love me and want me to stay protected. H wants me to do whatever it takes for me to get over it - thus if being this raging uber witch he would probably be all for it now a days.

 

I need to stay true to me. Which means letting her know everything, but to keep the pot shots to a minimum. Which is why I have put it away, I'll go through and make sure I didn't put any in in a few days as someone suggested. However you are also right, I don't owe her protection especially not at the cost of my needs. Right now none of this is about her. Its about me and my needs and what I need to heal.

 

But...really, I am doing well. Writing that letter in and of itself really helped. I feel free for the first time since I found out almost a year ago. I do know that this feeling won't stay though, I need to send it.

 

CCL

[BellaBellaBella]

CCL,

 

I do think you should sent CBS, the letter. I also think husband should read it first. I think he should know exactly what was said. I also think you should xerox the letter twice, since it is so long. Who knows what you might need to reference with CBS. I think you have gotten lots of good advise.

 

If you don't hear or get a reply from CBS. Then do some kind of ritual cleansing ritual and release it to the universe.

 

This is letter has to be for you and not for CBS.

 

Hugs,

 

Bella

[crazycatlady]

Hey CCL..........

 

How are you going to feel if she never responds after you send it to her?Are you preparing yourself mentally/emotionally for that possibility?

 

Also, I'd recommend against burning it---at least for awhile. Maybe you could deep six a copy of it in the closet for awhile.

 

And, I like WW's suggestion that you wait longer,revisit it, and edit.

 

Hopefully, this has been cathartic for you. I can't even fathom the pain you must be feeling over what happened.

 

Actually if she responds I don't know what I will do because that's the outcome I least expect. I expect her to toss it without reading it or to hold it for a long time and then read it when she's been drinking and maybe contact me then...At least I think that is what I expect.

 

It doesn't matter really, I just want to get it out there. Holding it in isn't helping me any and so far this process as been very healing.

 

Good questions....

[crazycatlady]

CCL,

 

I do think you should sent CBS, the letter. I also think husband should read it first. I think he should know exactly what was said. I also think you should xerox the letter twice, since it is so long. Who knows what you might need to reference with CBS. I think you have gotten lots of good advise.

 

If you don't hear or get a reply from CBS. Then do some kind of ritual cleansing ritual and release it to the universe.

 

This is letter has to be for you and not for CBS.

 

Hugs,

 

Bella

 

I like the registering idea, Bella. I'll keep that in mind.

 

Does pencil copy? I am not sure why I wrote it in pencil, I'm normally only use pen. But for this I used a pencil. Weird LOL

 

CCL

[BellaBellaBella]

CCL

 

Send her one of the pencil copies and yes it does copy. That way CBS can't change a thing. I do not trust CBS and you know it. Husband says it set the xerox darker. Hubs say hi!

 

Bella

 

A full fledged founding member of Crazy B*tch Sister Club

[jj33]

I need to stay true to me. Which means letting her know everything, but to keep the pot shots to a minimum. Which is why I have put it away, I'll go through and make sure I didn't put any in in a few days as someone suggested. However you are also right, I don't owe her protection especially not at the cost of my needs. Right now none of this is about her. Its about me and my needs and what I need to heal.

 

But...really, I am doing well. Writing that letter in and of itself really helped. I feel free for the first time since I found out almost a year ago. I do know that this feeling won't stay though, I need to send it.

 

CCL

 

That was really my point. Of course you dont want to hurt or take pot shots at your sister. But you need to get it out there. For you and for her. Putting it out there is the first step to clearing the air as well as a major step for you in healing the wounds and the relationship. You need to clear out the clutter from under the rug

[Just a stone's throw]

CCL,

First I wish you strength in this process. I do believe your sister acted more than just some OW in this situation and I think you have a very clear perspective on this. From everything I've read about your sitch, she had an A with your husband partially because he IS your husband. That was part of the allure for her whether she or he will ever admit it. There is something there in your sibling relationship that led to that connection.

 

That being said, I think you've been very thoughtful in putting your letter together and considering the possible outcomes. I believe that what will happen is probably not something you've considered so just be open to whatever does transpire but I, having 3 sisters would definitely send it and air your feelings. You've made noble attempts to do it in person and by other means and have been rejected.

 

I would show your H after you send it. You don't need his validation of the content. But you don't need to send it in secrecy either.

 

Those are just my thoughts and I hope all goes well in this process for you.

 

JAST