20Seconds Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I've only recently joined this forum and I think I came here to try and work out what is going on in my A and make some sense of it so I could decide whether I want out of it or not. I thought about posting about the background to my A but couldn;t even start to explain the complicated mess it really is, it would take days. So I've just really two questions. How do you know when it really is time to walk away, and how do you do it? How do you make yourself stop loving someone when you are afraid that no good is ever going to come of it? Sorry, that's 3 questions. When I think back over all the R's I've ever had, simply put, either I ended it because I knew my heart wasn;t in it anymore, or they ended it and I was heartbroken, but I got over it. But nothing like this. I know this man is not the only man in the world. So why can;t I do it? Why is it him that I want?
Silly_Girl Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I've only recently joined this forum and I think I came here to try and work out what is going on in my A and make some sense of it so I could decide whether I want out of it or not. I thought about posting about the background to my A but couldn;t even start to explain the complicated mess it really is, it would take days. So I've just really two questions. How do you know when it really is time to walk away, and how do you do it? How do you make yourself stop loving someone when you are afraid that no good is ever going to come of it? Sorry, that's 3 questions. When I think back over all the R's I've ever had, simply put, either I ended it because I knew my heart wasn;t in it anymore, or they ended it and I was heartbroken, but I got over it. But nothing like this. I know this man is not the only man in the world. So why can;t I do it? Why is it him that I want? The bolded really resonates with me. I left a 6.5 yr relationship (we had a child) and an 8 yr relationship. But I couldn't leave an 8 month relationship... ?!?!?! I could talk to you about what I did and why, but it doesn't help you, because I followed my heart and you may be braver, stronger, wiser. I knew no other way. I was not comfortable with No Contact. My head did some good stuff in that break period, and I am still building on it with counselling, and introspection. How are you doing on a day-to-day basis, 20?
TigerCub Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Hey 20Seconds. Since I don't know your situation, I'll just answer your questions. How do you know when it really is time to walk away? For me I knew it on multiple occasions. It was when the pain of not being with him was so consuming, I felt suffocated. It was when the thought of him going home to baby momma and sleeping next to her, providing for her, holding her hand, etc, would break my heart so profoundly. It was when I was literally so exhausted and tired of being sad. When I was with him, it was the highest of the highs, but all those other feelings would rush at me when we had to part ways and he'd go home to her. and how do you do it? It takes more than one try (for me at least). We tried NC so many times (I initiated them because I felt so guilty about what I do with him, and because I felt so broken by not being able to be with him in a real R) In my case - this last NC was made easier because he for the first time, acted really rude and disrespectful to me, and then acted all dismissive about it after - to me that's def a deal breaker and so it's easier to stand my ground and not break NC. How do you make yourself stop loving someone when you are afraid that no good is ever going to come of it? I didn't stop loving him. Even after he acted like a jackass - yeah I'm mad at him, and I see him in a diff light but I still love him I love/miss what we had and I hate to admit it - he's the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning, and he stays on my mind throughout the day. But sometimes, even if we deeply love someone, we need to face the facts that we may never have them the way we want (even if they say the love us) - and @ that point, I chose to walk instead of waste my life waiting. I hope that the rest of the responses give you the answers you're looking for.
lilbunny Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I've only recently joined this forum and I think I came here to try and work out what is going on in my A and make some sense of it so I could decide whether I want out of it or not. I thought about posting about the background to my A but couldn;t even start to explain the complicated mess it really is, it would take days. So I've just really two questions. How do you know when it really is time to walk away, and how do you do it? How do you make yourself stop loving someone when you are afraid that no good is ever going to come of it? Sorry, that's 3 questions. When I think back over all the R's I've ever had, simply put, either I ended it because I knew my heart wasn;t in it anymore, or they ended it and I was heartbroken, but I got over it. But nothing like this. I know this man is not the only man in the world. So why can;t I do it? Why is it him that I want? Aw hun, I know exactly where you are at. I don't think you can make yourself stop loving someone. I still love him, I think about him often and despite the fact that he has been a complete idiot of late I saw him today and he looked so down and sad. I had to fight really hard not to go to him and say sorry, try to comfort him, do something. I still love him very much. Saying that I felt so unhappy and I tell myself every day that in the long term this is for the best. I can't ever go back to being the OW. I used to cry everytime he left me, sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep and the lows outweighed the highs. I don't want anybody else. I am not ready, but I will be one day. I can't go completely NC because we work together, but I have managed a couple of days without speaking to him or any contact and it has helped. Have you tried NC? I wasn't sure about it and I think you have to be really ready for it, but I can really see how it helps put things in perspective. I am sorry you are feeling this way, but you aren't alone believe me.
woddah Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Don't know the situation so I'll keep it simple 1. If you have to ask, it's probably time 2. No contact 3. No contact and time
lilbunny Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 For me I knew it on multiple occasions. I tried to walk away a few times, so did he to be fair. It was when the pain of not being with him was so consuming, I felt suffocated. It was when the thought of him going home to baby momma and sleeping next to her, providing for her, holding her hand, etc, would break my heart so profoundly. It was when I was literally so exhausted and tired of being sad. When I was with him, it was the highest of the highs, but all those other feelings would rush at me when we had to part ways and he'd go home to her. I was posting at the same time and I could have written this. It takes more than one try (for me at least). We tried NC so many times (I initiated them because I felt so guilty about what I do with him, and because I felt so broken by not being able to be with him in a real R) I couldn't do a few hours at one point, it is getting easier. In my case - this last NC was made easier because he for the first time, acted really rude and disrespectful to me, and then acted all dismissive about it after - to me that's def a deal breaker and so it's easier to stand my ground and not break NC. I have just been through something similar. It really hurt me and made me think we probably both needed some space. I was pretty short with him too. I didn't stop loving him. Even after he acted like a jackass - yeah I'm mad at him, and I see him in a diff light but I still love him I love/miss what we had and I hate to admit it - he's the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning, and he stays on my mind throughout the day. Yep. But sometimes, even if we deeply love someone, we need to face the facts that we may never have them the way we want (even if they say the love us) - and @ that point, I chose to walk instead of waste my life waiting. I hope that the rest of the responses give you the answers you're looking for. It WILL get better!!! OP- see really not alone! I really do think you have to be ready to let go and people telling you to get out even though you know deep down they are right can take a while to sink in. Good luck, keep us posted.
Circular Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 At some point you just have to realize that what you want isn't a possibility. No matter how destined, fated and pure-love based it all feels. My xAP and I broke it off a few times, it was extremely difficult as the feeling of just wanting to talk to that person, it seems so simple/innocent but it pulls you right back into it all over again. Next thing, you are at square one again and all the feelings of longing, love, etc.. for that person have flooded back in. The truth is when it's all said and done someone has to endure the pain, its a zero-sum game. It can happen, but its very rare that things work-out the way of our intentions. For me, I woke up one day and just realized given our situations, that fact that she had children, that she was dealing with a lot of guilt and at the end of the day I could also feel she was trying to pull away for those reasons - additionally, the sadness I kept experiencing was a bit much and was disrupting my life. I had to let go, no mater how hard, so I did and have been in NC for about 5 months now. You just have to decide to do it and stick with it. The hardest thing for me to resolve has been the realization that deep in my heart I do love this woman, I still think about her every day. I worry about her, care about her and generally wish I could be there for her. But, as I've said before in the past, sometimes the right things to do are the hardest things to do. Over time it gets easier but I can tell this is gong to stick with me a long long time.
TigerCub Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 It WILL get better!!! OP- see really not alone! I really do think you have to be ready to let go and people telling you to get out even though you know deep down they are right can take a while to sink in. Good luck, keep us posted. Hey lilbunny. I read your bolded comments in my post I really feel for you, because we're in the exact same position at the same time. I read your other response about seeing him and wanting to go to him cuz he looked sad - reading that just made me so sad I hope that everyday brings you more strength **HUGS**
Author 20Seconds Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Everything that has been said makes a lot of sense. We are on a period of enforced LC at the moment - in contact most days but can't see each other in person. Ironically in the way that you do before someone goes away, we both said a lot of things we had never said to each other before, spent more time together and of course ended up feeling closer than ever. He seems more committed to keeping things going but still no real indication of whether he is actually going to do anything to change things. The cynic in me would say perhaps his increased attention before he left was partly because he didn't want me to disappear off with someone else while he was gone. I feel calmer and have the space to think since he left, but I just cannot imagine life without him. If we finished, it would have to be complete NC for me.
wheelwright Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 At some point you just have to realize that what you want isn't a possibility. No matter how destined, fated and pure-love based it all feels. My xAP and I broke it off a few times, it was extremely difficult as the feeling of just wanting to talk to that person, it seems so simple/innocent but it pulls you right back into it all over again. Next thing, you are at square one again and all the feelings of longing, love, etc.. for that person have flooded back in. The truth is when it's all said and done someone has to endure the pain, its a zero-sum game. It can happen, but its very rare that things work-out the way of our intentions. For me, I woke up one day and just realized given our situations, that fact that she had children, that she was dealing with a lot of guilt and at the end of the day I could also feel she was trying to pull away for those reasons - additionally, the sadness I kept experiencing was a bit much and was disrupting my life. I had to let go, no mater how hard, so I did and have been in NC for about 5 months now. You just have to decide to do it and stick with it. The hardest thing for me to resolve has been the realization that deep in my heart I do love this woman, I still think about her every day. I worry about her, care about her and generally wish I could be there for her. But, as I've said before in the past, sometimes the right things to do are the hardest things to do. Over time it gets easier but I can tell this is gong to stick with me a long long time. I liked this answer. For me it's very hard. Like the OP said, I've had no trouble walking away in the past. You can see it's over - so you do it. This time, it's over, but it's like my heart or soul (or some other facet in my psyche) doesn't let go. And even if I walk away in my mind, and force my heart to follow, I just end up facing the same wall I walked away from. Even though I have been NC for a long time (bar a couple of texts). NC doesn't break this spell I am under. But as Circ says, someone has to endure the pain. Someone said to me that it's a simple equation - the R causes too much pain to stay in it. You can't keep reaching for happinness (or contentment if that's your bag) if you don't get any at that waterhole. Or rather if you have to put up with a crocodile bite for every glorious sip. It may the most beautiful water you ever tasted, but we would put up with the rankest mud if it meant our survival. Or, learn to kill crocs? Probably not legal, and I'm not sure where that stretches the metaphor anyway... Conquer and overcome what comes between you and your desire. If that is not possible or against your morals, then walk away is the only choice. The next question is how to forget the lovely water. You got me there. Unless it is to concentrate on the crocs!
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