how can i not be so scared?

[exurb]

My marriage is probably okay, but I get really scared. My wife will think nothing of screaming or shouting at the smallest thing, and then turns around 3 seconds later and pretends like it never happened.

 

I don't know how to deal with that. I will feel freaked out for a few days about something she did and forgot about almost instantly. I grew up in a very calm household. I can count on one hand the number of times my parents fought or yelled.

 

What do I do?

[TaraMaiden]

Outside of the home environment, you tell her that it really, really bothers you, that you think she needs anger management, and that you don't think you can continue like this, because it's a form of abuse.

 

If she in any way reacts negatively (like you're being an idiot, walks away, gets mad) - then leave.

pack a bag, go to your family, and don't put up with it.

if something like this scares you, then it's not healthy, and not wise to keep in with it.

 

She may need counselling, or anger management. But she will have to realise you are serious. Until you stand up to her - this will continue, period.

[hopesndreams]

Scream back?

[Cee]

Your wife needs help. Leave her if she doesn't get it.

 

My mom was exactly like that. She was basically a rageaholic and thought it was totally fine to yell at anything. She flew off the handle at anything and then a day later, she'd forget it ever happened. The whole family walked on egg shells because we never knew when she'd blow. She responded to stress by yelling & she always thought she was right. But when she wasn't angry, she could be funny, happy and loving.

 

The problem with a rager is that they are emotionally abusive. They cause harm. Here are some real examples in my life.

 

Once I was had a panic attack and I thought I was dying. I asked for help and she yelled at me. I comforted myself by curling in a ball & talking to my stuffed animals.

 

A boy did something inappropriate to me at a fair & my Dad rescued me. He was very gentle. When my mom found out, she yelled at me for an hour.

 

I could on for hours. My mother yelled almost every day for the 18 years I lived there. My Dad put up with it, yelled back, kicked furniture, but she never stopped. My mom has stopped yelling at every opportunity b/c my Dad passed away and all of us have moved out of the house. She's older and has less energy. She also joined a 12 step group which helped her enormously.

 

Yelling and screaming is horrible and abusive. To you. And to any offspring you think of having. Don't put up with.

[exurb]

We already have kids. Often our oldest will do something stupid, and that will set her off.

 

I'm trying to schedule some counseling, but I'm not sure how to find a sitter for the time needed for us to meet the counselor. I might just go by myself.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you think that's wise?

Is it you who primarily needs counselling? (Though I admit, you need some kind of support to help you change this....)

How mad do you think that will make her?

Will she take it out on the kids?

 

You need to man up and stand up to her, for their sakes.

If they see you just taking it and not standing up for yourself - or more importantly, for them - they will not respect you and follow the pattern. Either be dominated in a relationship, or become bullies themselves.

 

Bullying is a weak person's show of strength.

If you stand up to it, generally, it deflates them.

[Honorable_Venerable]

 

Bullying is a weak person's show of strength.

If you stand up to it, generally, it deflates them.

(emphasis added by me)

 

And when it doesn't, that's when things can REALLY unravel.

[TaraMaiden]

Things are going to unravel anyway.....

[You Go Girl]

My marriage is probably okay, but I get really scared. My wife will think nothing of screaming or shouting at the smallest thing, and then turns around 3 seconds later and pretends like it never happened.

 

I don't know how to deal with that. I will feel freaked out for a few days about something she did and forgot about almost instantly. I grew up in a very calm household. I can count on one hand the number of times my parents fought or yelled.

 

What do I do?

 

Your W doesn't come from a calm household. Her strong reactions are what she knows and grew up with, pretty much guarantteed.

It isn't necessarily malicious, is it?

I grew up in a verbally expressive family, to put it lightly.

Distinguishing when it is malicious and when it is just blowing off steam could help you.

This of course being the things you can do for yourself, not at all denying that she needs to learn a little self-control, patience, compassion, understanding, and how to quietly think before reacting.

But you are opposites on this. Some love passionate displays of emotion. Some cultures expect it, look at the Italians, who would find your calmness repressive.

Her family is her culture. So this is a difference in culture between the two of you, even if you grew up across the street.

However, distinguishing between passionate displays of emotion, and abuse, is necessary here. Which is it? Examine each time she starts being verbally loud--is this time abusive or expressive? You need to qualify it in order to decide whether you need to draw boundary lines and get stern with that, or quietly sit back amused at her displays knowing they are expressive, and not abusive.

That she is fine 3 seconds later tells me that this is her method of communication she learned in her family culture.

[stillafool]

Your wife is an abuser. If it were you blowing up and screaming at everything, she would feel as if she were being abused. You need to talk to her about this immediately and get a resolve. I'm sure you don't want your kids subjected to this behavior.