debby Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Hello everyone and thanks for taking time to read this, though it may get long. I'd typed out a very long, carefully worded post which probably took half and hour and then went to post it and POOF! gone. The forum asked me to log in. Boy was I annoyed. I am doing this one in word first! I will try to be as brief as I can. I am divorced from the father of my 12, 14 and 16 year old children since he ran off with another woman. I've not really dated since, and haven't cared to. I get hit on my married men pretty frequently, but always fob them off since I don't want to waste a relationship on one, and I know how it feels to have your marriage blow up becaue of one. That makes my current situation a bit ironic. I kind of like being single and don't have a really optimistic view of marriage, monogamy, etc anyway. I also am 42 years old. My old high school and college sweetheart has remained my friend since we split up nearly 20 years ago. It was amicable. He wasn't sure he wanted to marry or have children, and I knew I did. I was afraid I'd wait forever if I kept waiting. We both moved on, I married (the loser who cheated and had affairs the entire marriage and left me), and he eventually also married and has a 5 year old. I will call my old high school boyfriend John here to make this simpler. John and I have never lived close together in all these years since we split, but occasionally our paths would cross, and a handful of times we were intimate. Anything physical was always initiated by him, though willingly participated in by me. It was not often, though. Most of the time our contact was friendly emails and phone calls, though months would always seperate them, and they were no secret from his wife. In fact, our last physical encounter was the only time in 2 years. It was never an "affair" per se since I don't want him as a significant other, nor does he want me that way. It was more a situation of meeting some level of need, mostly physical, but I guess our history made it feel "safe" with each other. It was not as random as a one night stand, but never was a relationship that was emotionally anything but friendship. I am NOT trying to say that doing so was smart or right, but that is all water under the bridge now. He also is not negative about his wife or marriage. He was talking to me when we were together last about some of their difficulties (many brought on by them having to be apart a whole lot due to their job situations) and did not try to paint his wife in a bad light, he was just not sure how to help them find their way back to a better place. So, this isn't your typical "man is trying to lie to the other woman about his terrible wife" situation. I don't fall for those anyway. In fact, him telling me about the worries had more to do with a friend needing to talk about his confusion than anything else. In hindsight, a counselor would have been a better bet. Flash forward to today. In that one encounter, I got pregnant even though I wasn't supposed to be able to. I am due in 8 weeks with his son. After much agonizing and even considering for a while that I might not tell him at all, I decided to tell him when I was 14 weeks along. I figured he had a right to know, and that our son had a right to know. NOT telling him seemed the bigger crime. He finally decided that he had to tell his wife...that she was owed the truth so she could decide whether to stay, and he wants to be involved with our son and not leave him fatherless. I am glad since I'd hate to think that my son would grow up with no father. He finally told her a couple weeks ago and it has been a rough ride, understandibly for them. At this point, his marriage is neither here nor there, though he says she wants to give it a chance, but that she can't handle anything to do with me at this point. According to John, the situation with me is just one of many that has been wrong for a long time with them, and so there is much they have to see if they can fix...not just handle this. My approach at this point is to stay out of the marriage fate situation. It isn't mine to be involved in, and even if they split up, he and I would not be together. My confusion is knowing how to deal with this. I don't want his wife to think that I am any ongoing threat to his marriage. It think she believes that now, according to what he is saying. Unfortunately, he hasn't come completely clean with her about how this sex act wasn't the first, and has happened randomly over a period of many years. He thinks that if he tells her the full scope of it, she will walk away. Unfortunately, I have no control over what he tells her. Something I know as well is that he has a tendency to cheat...he cheated on me when we were together, and so it is likely he has cheated other times in his marriage. I think he is just one of those men who likes an occasionaly piece of "strange" even though he loves and doesn't want to leave his wife. I think this is actually very common from what I have learned about the male drive in my 42 years. My desire is to keep things as peaceful as I can. I am staying distant so that John can do what he needs for his marriage. After all, baby won't be here for 8 weeks. He asked me to write a letter of apology to his wife since he says we both violated her trust, and wanted me to reassure her that I am not out to "take anything away from her family". I thought this wasn't really my territory, and I told him so. Last person she probably wants to hear from is me. The baby needs financial support, but I'd like to approach that delicately, and not just serve papers on him. Unfortunately, if he doesn't provide support, I will need some government help, and he will then be held responsible by the state for any benefits they provide our son due to his lack of support and ThEY will come after him. I don't want his resentment of that coming into the picture. His situation is a bit complicated since he's been out of work due to the economy for a couple years and takes care of their child while his wife works out of town, so he has no income of his own. This would fall on his wife to pay if he doesn't find work since I know the court would order an amount, anyway. I really do worry about the fallout from that pressure. I have searched for advice to help me on juggling all this mess, but there really isn't any to help with my situation. Every other situation I find discussed is either a random one-night-stand so the advice is just to "serve the father with child support" or it is a complicated emotional affair where there is a whole lovers triangle going on. Mine is neither. It is a one night stand with a former ex/friend. All I want is to do the best thing for my son. What would any of you in my situation recommend? I welcome anyone with experience. How can I best position myself so it is obvious I am not interested in trying to steal John from his wife, but am only trying to do the right thing for our son, who is completely innocent and shouldn't have to suffer needlessly just because he was born. What issues am I likely to face? I am so stressed that something which should be a joyous time for me is making me physically ill. Yes, I feel terrible, but don't feel I deserve to be crucified for this, but I also know that I won't find much support from others since "I am pregnant with a married man's child" and for most folks, that instantly makes me a villian.
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I'm sorry to be blunt, but he stirred the pot and made Irish stew. It doesn't matter what kind of a relationship this is, or where it is - or rather, isn't - going. Like it or lump it, he's responsible for what happened - as much as you are. you're left holding the baby and all these feelings of compassion, consideration and kindness on your part are all very commendable - but they don't put food on the table. The fact that he has witheld information from her, is a serial cheater and is constantly dishonest, is more testimony to the fact that he really isn't a very commendable person at all... but that's not your problem. It's his. And hers. You will have to serve papers, get him to fund his responsibility and live twith the fact that he owes his wife an apology (and money) and he should have thought about all this before he placed his pecker where his pecker shouldn't have gone. This will hopefully be a reminder to him - every single month - of what a completely callous jerk he was to his wife, and now he's paying for it. And I really do hpe she makes him pay for it. Just as the baby will be a reminder to you - every single day - that your days are now tied to bringing up yet another child, and one which strictly speaking, shouldn't even be here. The time for gentle feelings, wishing to avoid hurt, being considerate and keeping a low profile, are over. It's time to step up to the plate and face facts. There's a child to bring up. And you both owe it, big time.
jthorne Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 nevermind. :)Me too. OP, you will need to go through the courts anyway to have something in writing and enforceable. Stay out of his marriage. No letters, no contact. Only contact with them is through courts. Let them determine visatation as well. Good luck.
Author debby Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 I appreciate your bluntness, and I suppose I should just get down and business-like with this situation. When my ex left me (for a 20 year old half his age) I found out just how much an ex's spouse can complicate things. She resents the money he has to pay in support, and as a result, there is frequent drama and tension, and lots of pressure put on the kids to come live with them. Having seen how contentious things can easily get, and how ugly that can be for the kids int he long run, I'd like to avoid what I can there. I wish on some levels that I'd never told him I was pregnant. I wish I was the type (or that the relationship had been the type) that I felt comfortable just serving papers on him. Anyone who has "been there, done that" and has advice, I'd love to hear from. Any traps to avoid or further mistakes to avoid, I'd be interested in your cautionary words. Thanks
Snowflower Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 The baby needs financial support, but I'd like to approach that delicately, and not just serve papers on him. Unfortunately, if he doesn't provide support, I will need some government help, and he will then be held responsible by the state for any benefits they provide our son due to his lack of support and ThEY will come after him. I don't want his resentment of that coming into the picture. His situation is a bit complicated since he's been out of work due to the economy for a couple years and takes care of their child while his wife works out of town, so he has no income of his own. This would fall on his wife to pay if he doesn't find work since I know the court would order an amount, anyway. I really do worry about the fallout from that pressure. Wow, what a mess! This part (bolded) doesn't make sense to me. Why would his wife have to pay his child support? I get that he is not working, but how can she be forced to pay? If it's true, how blatantly unfair. Your husband screws around on you and you have to pay financially for it? I hope the divorce will stop any of this potential financial responsibility for the wife. Perhaps someone more enlightened can explain. I agree with the other posters, it's a little late to be concerned about what his wife feels now. Your BF made that mess...let him deal with it.
Author debby Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Wow, what a mess! This part (bolded) doesn't make sense to me. Why would his wife have to pay his child support? I get that he is not working, but how can she be forced to pay? If it's true, how blatantly unfair. Your husband screws around on you and you have to pay financially for it? I hope the divorce will stop any of this potential financial responsibility for the wife. Perhaps someone more enlightened can explain. I agree with the other posters, it's a little late to be concerned about what his wife feels now. Your BF made that mess...let him deal with it. The way it works in my state, even if you are unemployed, you will get "hit" with child support calculated at minimum wage and a 40 hour week. If the responsible party doesn't pay, they will get arrested. So if his wife stays married and he decides to stay unemployed, then she will either have to pay it for him or let him be arrested. His other option is to get a job (which is obviously what he should be doing) At this point, they are trying to work out the marriage.
TigerCub Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Your situation sucks A$$ Debby. You mentioned that he wanted you to write a letter to his wife saying that you're sorry and that you don't want to take anything from her family. Don't write that letter, because I don't know if they can use that against you and claim that you said you don't want 'anything' as in financial support. If you want to appologize to her, fine, but forget the rest of what he suggested. If the wife was smart, she'd let that A-hole get arrested if he can't make child support payments I also agree with the other posters that said the time to be considerate is over - if you need to serve him papers, do that for your child.
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