Totally Lost

[RocMarten]

I'll just get right to it. Me and my wife of 8 years recently separated, today marks day 16. In the beginning, this was a mutual agreement, over the last year we ran into some issues in our marriage that has been difficult to overcome.

I'll explain how we got to where we are today.The first issue involved her getting drunk at a neighbors party and making out with one of our neighbors at this party. She originally told me that he grabbed her, kissed her and she pushed him away. Eventually, I found out the actual truth, that she did push him off but not after several minutes of making out. This happened Memorial Day weekend of 2009. It took me a year to find out the actual truth. My trust for her plummeted. After a pretty intense weekend we were able to work things out.

 

The second issue came at the end of July of this year. I accidentally found out that my wife had been having phone and email conversations with a guy she met through a local club. When questioned about it she told me that they were paired together by the club moderator to work on a project, that is why they exchanged numbers. I was suspicious of that answer because the conversations they had via phone took place at times when I was not around, either at work or already in bed. Plus, knowing what we had gone through about a year earlier I would have expected my wife to let me know about this upfront which I would have been fine with. Instead, it was all shrouded in secrecy. Anyway, after questioning her more about this, she said that the guy did ask her if she would be interested in having a fling and she said she told him no and the conversations with him ended. Although, via cell phone records, I found that he did indeed call her several times after the actual timeline she gave me of when they were talking. I never questioned her on that. I just let it go.

 

Because of the first issue my suspicions were at an all time high, based on the second issue.

 

Anyway, back to what I was here for. We have been separated for 16 days now. The first couple of days, I would come over and see the kids and we would talk, she would hug me and kiss me and say that this would not be very long, our relationship is what she wanted. She just needed to figure some things out. Then on Saturday, something changed and I'm not sure what. I'm no longer hearing that it will be a few more days or that things will be alright between us. I'm not seeing the love and affection that she showed at the beginning of our separation. I'm now hearing that she doesn't know when, she just needs time. Another thing that has me confused is we came up with new arrangements two days ago regarding our living situation. I originally moved out so it would be easier for her with the kids. Those arrangements did not work out to well so now when I am at work she will stay home with my son and leave around 7 or 8 that night after hanging out with our two oldest, who are in school during the day. She then leaves and goes sleeps at her moms at night. So with this arrangement we do have interaction, but she seems to avoid me and only interacts when she truly needs to and does not want to talk about the relationship.

 

I think she has gone from an "when we get back together" mentallity to an "if we get back together" mentallity. At least that is the impression that I have gotten the last few days.

 

I have told her that if she wants to end this relationship then I will honor that but she hasn't given me a yes or no, she just says that "She hasn't said that" about wanting to end it. I was also offered a new position at work about 2 hours away from home, that will only allow me to come home on weekends. I asked if it would help her if I took that position. She said no, that she would prefer me to stay here.(I didn't want the position anyway, so no loss there.)

 

 

I'm lost and really confused, the messages I get are mixed and I really don't know how to read what I am being fed. Does she want to continue this marriage or not? Does she even know what she wants? Am I being too impatient? Personally I don't think she really knows at this point but I have been wrong before.

 

I don't know if I should just move on or give her all the time that she needs or what to do here? I just don't want to hold out hope for something that may not turn out the way that I want it to.

 

Despite the issues that we experienced I am willing to put those in the past and move forward because one bad year should not negate the 7 that came before. Or maybe I am just a fool. I don't know. Like I said, lost and confused.

 

Sorry for such a long winded read but it does feel good to be able to get this off my chest.

[HopelessinDTW]

Roc: It sounds like she is not sure about the marriage. Her change in behavior is due to her not being sure of what she wants to do. I also beleive there is another man in the picture who is making her ride the fence. At this point, you need to go no-contact. That means you only talk to her about the kids. Let her be, don't ask how she's doing, or what she wants to do with the marriage. Do not beg or plead with her to come back. The problem is with her, not you. You need to think about yourself, and your child. DO NOT leave the marital home...remember she's the one with the problem...not you. Read up on the 180, and follow it. If she wants to work things out, she needs to be completely free of any another men. she needs to be transparent with you about who she talks to, e-mails, texts, where she is, etc.etc.

 

This is going to be tough, and if she has a history of lying and cheating...she will most likely do it again. Take care of yourself, because this will get complicated very soon. Get a lawyer, or at least start looking around for one. Get your finances in order, and keep yourself out of trouble. Keep on posting...

[whichwayisup]

I don't tell that too many to just go ahead and divorce, but with her history and now unwillingless to want to work things out (are you two doing marriage counselling during this separation? if not ,consider it) I say she's definately taking advantage of the being separated and looking at it as 'freedom'. Not a good sign..

 

The MC will help, reguardless of the outcome since you two have kids together, you'll always have to co parent together, yet in two different households.

[Iconoclast]

She wants space, so you move out of YOUR home? Nonsense. Get back in your house and find out what's really going on, there's little you can do until you know. "I need space" usually means space to see other people.

[lee777]

The main reason why women become interested in other men is lack of something in their marriage. Figure this out, if you want her back.

 

Now, let me tell you about me, and how I wooed my wife's heart back to me after 8 months of separation.

 

My marriage did not blowup from infidelity or abuse, but rather a complete mid life crises on my part. I had become so selfish, and caught in a fog of despair, that I didn't even understand I had lost my wife a few years before we separated.

 

After we split in January of this year, I went through stages of spirituality, rebellion, drinking, and self condemning. It ultimately ended with me taking a good look in the mirror and understanding we never fell apart, but rather I had become someone I was uncomfortable being.

 

CHANGE!

 

Yes, I realized a few months later that I had become a monster. Because my wife was so pissed at me, she refused to meet with me to talk. So I sent her an email in early May telling her how much I valued her as my wife and the mother of my children, but told her it was evident that she was unable to forgive me, therefore we needed to work out a plan to end our marriage, and move on with our lives. THIS EMAIL CHANGED EVERYTHING!

 

I rededicated my carer, started seeing a quality therapist, joined the gym, lost 50lbs, and just completely changed my attitude. And WOW, did she respond. I had completely let her go, as I realized I could live without her. I even told her that if we did get a divorce, that I'd likely remarry a 28 year old hottie, and she'd end up with a 50 year old banker, with tons of baggage. I meant it 100%. The more I more I told her about how other women of all ages treated (this new) me differently, the more she wanted me back in her life. However, I didn't really have to tell her this, because her/our friends were telling her this.

 

Her feelings started changing as she realized I was changing.

 

My wife in January told me that I ruined her life, and now she's demanding that I get a vasectomy so I can rock her world without the use of condoms. Though I have an apartment, I spend most nights with her and my kids now. We plan on officially being back together (living under the same roof) before the holidays arrive, this is when my lease expires on my apartment.

 

My life has changed forever, and the reason why is because I realized my marriage failure was mainly due to me. Not only have I told my precious wife this, but she has seen it in me. We are now on a new path, and our destiny is forever different.

 

As for you and your situation of 16 days of separation, my suggestion is to do this:

 

1) MOVE OUT NOW, and stop talking to her about your marriage. You do not need to be there, and it's way too early to discuss the marriage.

 

2) Only talk to her about the children, and keep the convo's to 5 min or less. The less you have to talk to her, the better you'll do in getting her back. No crying, begging or pleading.

 

3) Find out what was lacking in your marriage. Why is she seeking companionship from another man. Seek therapy if needed. Why are you and your wife separated? Discover it, and address it!

 

4) Join the gym, and get freakin' ripped. This will do wonders for your confidence, especially as you realize how other females will treat you. However, do not cheat if your goal is to win your wife back ... even if you suspect she's cheating. Jealousy is stupid, and it indicates weakness. If she believes you're jealous, she'll lure you around like a neutered jackass. Turn the cards right now ... make her believe that you're living your life just fine & happy, and you hope she's doing the same.

 

5) LET HER GO. Become mysterious without being stupid. You want to find a spot between her knowing there's someone else, and not knowing there's someone else. When she starts asking what you're doing, or what you did last night, you're efforts are working. Your confidence in yourself will speak for itself. If she values you (which I suspect she does), she'll be back.

 

Peace out, and good luck.

Edited September 22, 2010 by lee777

[RocMarten]

Thanks for all of the wonderful responses.

 

I too suspect something else involving another man although I cannot prove it, not sure if it's just a natural suspicion based on the past or something else.

 

I stopped by my in-laws today(we've always had a great relationship) and I had a very good talk with her parents and they offered the same advice as many of you suggested. Basically ignore her and keep conversation strictly related to the children. They've always been straight with me and even offered to allow me to stay with them, so I do trust them. So that's my new approach to this situation. No groveling, questioning or anything else for that matter. I'm going to not let this bring me down and if it works itself out it works itself out, if not I'll just move on.

[spriggig]

The 180 in her attitude, from "when" to "if"--whoever she's had on the back burner, the guy at the gym or someone you don't even know about has made his move and she has accepted. She was going to try to work it out with you for the kids AND because she had no other immediate prospects--that has changed.

 

If you rent the house, just let it go. If you bought the house, you need to get back in the house. Even if your name isn't on the mortgage, you're entitled to half the profit from the sale of the house, but that might be in jeopardy if you stay out of the house.

 

Here's some food for thought, consider the possible situation where the other man moves in with her and your kids.

[lkjh]

Move back into your house. Second she cheats on you and you are letting her call all the shots? Stop being passive

[RocMarten]

Time for an update.

For all of you that said another guy was involved, I am 99.99% positive that you were all correct.

 

Today, the wife of the guy my wife made out with at the party(1st issue I mentioned in my original post) came up to me today(we had never spoken since the incident occured) and informed me that her husband was leaving her. She informed me that my wife texted/called/bought gifts etc. etc. for the last year for this guy(she has the cell records to prove it). I also, awhile back while snooping came across this picture my wife sent to him of her in the bathroom, his wife confirmed that the picture was sent to his cell phone. Anyway, I moved back into my home and my wife has been staying at a friends house down the street, returning home when I go to work, to watch out child. So last night, my wife tells me she will be staying at a friends house(who I knew of, but not where she lived). Today, his wife told me that he has been staying in a hotel and was adamant that he stay their this weekend. I found it rather odd that my wife went somewhere to stay where I had no idea. Too many similarities here. Also, I came across a search for a specific hotel in the town over on her computer and it just so happens it is the one that he is living at.

 

I confronted my wife about this new found info and she did say that they had become really good friends but that was all, nothing more. She did not deny the constant telephone calls,texts, pictures sent etc. etc. I almost believed her because this was her opportunity to put it all on the table, but I did not believe her.

 

So here I am tonight, my wife tells me she is going for a drive but will let me know where she ends up tonight(we do this for the kids sake, in case something happens). So I figure I might just go for a drive tonight myself so I can confirm what I surely feel is being denied me, the truth.

 

I really hate being sneaky but sometimes I guess that is what it takes to uncover the truth.

 

Sorry again for the long read but I thought I would share this with you guys and gals.

Edited September 26, 2010 by RocMarten

[Iconoclast]

I'm so sorry for you and how you will feel when the hammer drops. Based upon what you say now, it's 100%.

So, how do you want to proceed?

Quickest and most painless ... file for divorce on Monday.

Long drawn out soul rending hell ... chance for reconciliation.

 

When you find out. Don't confront! She will Lie, lie, lie. It will confuse you.

You NEED a plan.

You MUST prepare.

[RocMarten]

So I am back from my little trip and did not find what I thought I would find.

 

The guy was standing outside of his room when I pulled up, I spoke to him for nearly an hour about the entire situation. He told me that there was nothing to worry about, it was strictly a friendship and nothing more. So I believed it and then I called my wife to tell her where I was and what I did(at this point I still wanted this to work) and that is when the hammer dropped. I told her that after talking to him I felt like I was competing with another man for her. I asked her about her feelings for him, she said they were strong, I asked if she loved him, she did not answer that one(that was answer enough for me). I asked her if they had sex, again she didn't answer the question(that again told me all I needed to know).

 

 

I did everything in my power not to beat the crap out of this guy.(I used thoughts of my son as a means to keep my cool.)

 

 

I informed her that everything needed to be laid out on the table at this point. No more lies, no more excuses. The time was now. So we met up at home and discussed the situation for awhile. She was very remorseful but still did not want to let things go between us. Lots of crap or sincere? I got the feeling that she was being very sincere.

 

She informed me that they were only friends but she fell in love with him and the night before they did have sex although it was not planned(whatever).

 

In the end it all boils down to the fact that "she loves me and is in love with him and sex was not in the plans with him but it happened, which in turn further complicated things with our separation(I'd say) because our seperation was never about him, but now that he is seperated from his wife it really complicates things. At this point she doesn't know what she wants" Or should I say, who she wants.

 

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do, I've got every emotion available flowing threw me. She wants a day or two to figure out what she wants.(I say who she wants.) I do not want to see her with this guy at all because she was everything to me. At the same time I doubt I could ever look at her the same, having thoughts all the time whether or not it was me she really wanted to be with. Such a confusing time right now.

 

I did not finalize things between us, I needed time to think things through. We always told each other if we ever cheated it was over, no second chances. So how come I am having such a difficult time putting that into effect?

 

Life really isn't fair sometimes.

[seibert253]

Game Plan:1. Go hardcore 180. Right now.2. Coordinate with the OM's W, and make sure she knows the truth about all of this3. Contact an attorney and find out your rights4. Tell her she needs to make a decision soon, you will not wait around for her A. If she decides she wants to work this out, she's to go complete NC with OM, total transparency on her part, and MC. (these are NOT negotible) B. If she waffles, says she needs time, decides she's done, SEE #55. File for D and have her served.Ask others, this is the only template that will work.The jig is up, it's time to go hardcore. Remember, this is a war and you're fighting to win.

[spriggig]

We always told each other if we ever cheated it was over, no second chances. So how come I am having such a difficult time putting that into effect?

 

Virtually everyone says this at the beginning. You're still in love with the person you thought she was and the path you thought you were on. She threw you a curve ball while you were getting a beer--you didn't even know you were up.

 

It takes time, the anger stage will help.

[RocMarten]

A lot has transpired since I last updated this thread. Over the weekend my wife and I spent plenty of time together, talking through all of the events which brought us to where we were today.

 

On Sunday night we talked about where this relationship was headed, if anywhere. She wanted to save the marriage, and after all the talking we did I also wanted to save the marriage. I learned alot about her and myself during our countless hours of discussion. I presented her with a plan of action, she did not accept it. Instead, she asked for two more weeks to be alone so she could do some soul searching, after some serious thought I accepted that, although I wasn't very comfortable with that decision. We spent the night together.

 

Later that night, I woke up around 4am and could not get her request off of my mind. She still wanted two weeks and there were no guarantees that we would get back together plus the other guy was still hanging around. I was really uneasy about this. That morning, before I headed off to work I told her that I could not do this anymore. I could not put myself through the pain of not knowing how this was going to turn out plus the fact that the OM was still involved. I just couldn't do it. When I said those words her entire demeanor changed. She seemed different.

 

Anyway, later that day I called her from work to see if she was doing ok. Out of the blue she told me she had broken it off with the other guy. She said that she still needed time to herself to do some soul searching because she felt that she needed to fix herself before she could fix this marriage yet she still did not want to make any promises about us at this point. By the time our conversation was over, she no longer needed the time to herself and was ready to move back in and tackle our issues head on. Funny thing is, I didn't try to say anything during this conversation to convince her to come back, I basically told her that I couldn't promise her anything at this point. That was on Monday.

 

Since Monday, we have talked, laughed, and cried more than I can count. We realized where our marriage went wrong, the love between us never died. The problem was that we were never on the same page. When she needed me I was never there, when I needed her she was never there. We basically neglected each other. We didn't communicate when communication was all we needed to do to avoid this situation. Unfortunately it had to come to this for us to realize our mistakes.

 

We are going to work to save our marriage. I am willing to forgive and forget what happened, the anger that was inside of me has given way to peace. Some may say I am a fool for taking her back after all that transpired but I think I would be a fool for not giving this marriage another chance.

 

I wanted to thank everyone for all of the advice and support that was given. I really do appreciate it!

 

Hopefully, I won't have to return to tell my story again.

[karnak]

Evryone deserves a second chance in my book.

 

I hope that this reconciliation really comes from within you, and it's not a result of her manipulating you or messing with your mind. It seems that she only backtracked because she was afraid of losing you. She has to decide to work things out because she really loves you and not because of fear of being alone on her own (since she already knows the OM wouldn't leave her family for her).

 

 

But, if she messes around again, get rid of her. For good.

 

I hope everything gets ok between both of you and that you'll live happily ever after.

 

All the best to you.

Edited September 30, 2010 by karnak

[cuore_depresso]

Oh man....besides the infidelity/other man, your marriage sounds a LOT like mine.

 

I sincerely hope my wife and I can find each other again like you have with yours. She says we will, she just needs some time....thanks for the sharing and keeping my own hopes alive.