BuschBaby Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I posted my story about a month ago. In a nutshell, I was in a 3.5 year relationship, and at the tail end of the relationship, my boyfriend wasn't calling for weeks at a time, or if he did, he wouldn't give me more than 10 minutes, and couldn't make time to see me. We live and work less than 20 minutes apart. I had my suspicions that maybe he was interested in someone else since he had just gotten on FB about 8 months prior and was gathering a lot of women friends from his past. The emotional abuse was just too much to take. I was always pursuing him, always there for him, but I had to save myself from the downward spiral. Something in me just snapped and my feelings for him disappeared. I was just worn out from all the chasing and the sitting around waiting for him to contact me. I called him and calmly told him I couldn't see him anymore and that the relationship had died a long time ago. He was shocked and told me that he knew it was his fault for pulling away and ignoring me and said that he still believed we had a future. I didn't care what he said. I just wanted out. Because my feelings were dead, it was no problem going NC. I was relieved that I was on the pathway to healing and starting over. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I got rid of anything that reminded me of him. I unfriended him on FB before I even broke it off with him. Every week that passed made things easier. I actually lost 20lbs because I wasn't doing my usual anxious/emotional overeating. Life was brighter and lighter. Two weeks into strict NC and he called. I didn't answer and let it go to voicemail. He called to say that he hadn't heard from me and hoped 'all is well with you'. He also asked me a business question. We still have a business connection that requires us to talk 4 times a year (quarterly). I sent him an email with just the answer to the business question and ignored the personal part of it. He didn't respond back, which I was glad for. Approximately 2 weeks after that, I had to send him a business email. It was short and to the point. He responded, then put in a meek blurb about how nice I am and thanked me for being a friend to him. I boiled over at that point and let him know that although I was the best friend possible to him, he was no friend to me and never was. The next day I received a very long email saying that my words cut to the core of his being. He went on to apologize, and surprisingly, he correctly admitted where his fault was and took responsibility. I was still guarded and angry and let him know what I really thought of him and his actions. Because I was so lovesick over him in the past, he and I both knew that the relationship was over when I was able to tell him that it was over and I wanted no future with him. Normally, I would do anything to smooth things over. I was proud of myself for standing up to him and letting him know how I felt. It was because I had nothing to lose anymore. It was all over. He has pursued me heavily since last week and has said very emotionally intelligent, introspective things. I knew in my heart that he was sorry and still loved me tremendously. I'm still guarded, but I did tell him I loved him when he said it to me. I do love him. We are going to meet next week for lunch. I'm weak when I see him in person because he is so tall and handsome. He already told me he is going to kiss me and not let go. It actually makes me happy to hear that. I'm nervous and feel a little stressed because I'm once bitten, twice shy. Either way, I do know that because I went strict NC, he saw right away how much attention I had given him in the past that he had taken for granted.
lunita Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Best of luck to you. My advice would be to tread carefully and not jump right into things too quickly. I don't think 3 weeks is enough time to change and it would really suck if he slipped back into his old ways. I would sit back and let him show you he has changed before fulling accepting the new person he is. Keep us in the loop and let us know how it goes.
Author BuschBaby Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 You said exactly what I was thinking. I'm afraid of him going back to ignoring me again since we only had a 3 week break. One thing is for sure, it is the physical passion that is pulling us in quicker than everything else. Before I agreed to meet him, he said that he knew that if he had a moment alone with me in person, he knows he could win back my love. Right now, he can't win me back 100% so that I feel all the love for him that I did before the breakup, but as far as winning me back into a physical relationship, I'm very weak. He is an amazing lover. Another thing is, my heart is tied to sex. I can't separate the two. If I thought I could just be FWB, I would, but I can't. Love follows the sex. I'm doomed unless I keep strict NC or move to Siberia.
lunita Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I've been in a relationship like that where the physical attraction is completely ridiculous. I also suffered a lot of heart ache and pain and pretty much got treated poorly. Do yourself a favor and use your brain in this one, not your hormones. Let him earn it by treating you like you should be treated...without the sex. Stay strong or you may end up worse off than you are now. Trust me. Been there.
lizzy22w Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I don't like the fact that he said that if he could get one moment to spend alone with you, that he could get you to love him again. That, to me, is a very egotistical statement and throws up red flags everywhere. IMO it says that he is just telling you all those sweet things and acting how he is now, just to get in your pants again. Honestly, I would cancel the date, because you obviously never totally got over him like you said you did. He needs to work overtime to get anything emotional OR physical, or else you are going to be completely sorry later. Trust me...I have been through this so many times, and guys with egos like that need more than 3 weeks. If you go through with it though...DON'T LET HIM KISS YOU YET! WAIT. I hope everything goes alright, because women should be treated better. <3
TearsofHope Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Hmm.. this is a tough one. I would just take things very slowly. Atleast, he is willing to meet up. My ex, as soon as he was done, he cut me out of his life since. Didn't want to meet up to talk about anything. But then again, that was what he wanted. "Space" to think things through without me. Not sure how much it benefit in both cases, but atleast I felt a month or 2 is reasonable time to sorta things out. 3 weeks may be too soon, but everyone situation is soo different. I agree with the poster above with the whole "If I see you again, I'll probably fall in love all over again" big egos, if he so loves you, why would he need to question seeing you will make him feel butterflies. I don't know what all these phrases me... I just go by actions from here on out. I mean, its your call whether you want to give him and yourself time to think, then maybe you should cancel. Otherwise, if you want to talk things out, maybe it will work for you.
sanskrit Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Frankly, I don't see any evidence of him "emotionally abusing" you in your OP, just fading out of a relationship that he may have thought stale. Three weeks NC is not enough time. Go a solid two months and tell him you need that, and then see where he stands after that. You seem very conflicted about this relationship, and maybe in that time you will both either realize you want to start over or are better off alone or with other options.
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