abust1 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 The ups and downs of grieving over a breakup are torturing me. Basically I am causing self-sabotage when I’m feeling good. I’ve been through this cycle so many times over the past 8 months, I can anticipate my next mood. This causes me to come out of my good mood sooner, but unfortunately not so for my bad mood. I still have to “earn” coming out of my bad moods with some new creative breakthrough from the pain; a new goal, hope, dream, fantasy, about the future. Sometimes this is getting back with my ex, sometimes it is hope that my ex will be as miserable as me, a new career, a new book, a new hobby, etc. It is very hard to pull all of my thoughts and emotions together to start pushing up that hill. The amount of time I spend at the lows varies greatly, a couple days to a couple weeks, depending on how long it takes me to summon the courage to turn it around – constantly testing my human survival instincts. However, the amount of time I spend on the highs is pretty consistent. Like 1 day. Today is a high day in fact, but I am already dipping into the infinite well of lost memories, negative experiences, regrets, to bring me back down. Knowing I have to fall back down is the first push, like a ball teetering at the top of a hill, with my negative past acting as gravity. My subconscious saying, “you’re not done healing yet there, bud”. I guess being stuck in a rut is my default state, and changing that in a few months after 30 years of living otherwise isn’t going to happen quickly or easily. Also part of the problem is that my breakthroughs are often false, a path that quickly ends. Not always because I’ve exhausted it, usually because I can’t HOLD onto it and I’m left to find it again, but it has to be in a different way. Example: I get excited about finishing my masters degree, finally, but I quickly fall back into the pit and get nothing done. While I’m feeling better, there are so many other tasks in my life I have to catch up with, they take priority. Very frustrating. It is going to be a long winter. I just try to get as much done as I can while I’m towards the top. When I’m low, I’m so low I can’t even think straight. I can barely do the laundry. Can anyone share their experiences like this, and hopefully describe how it ends?
Tryingtorebuild Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 This has been a huge topic of discussion with my therapist as of late. Its only been two months for me, but I always find myself getting to this point of absolute rock bottom where I can't seem to get anything done at all. On days like this, stuff like shaving before work seems impossible; hell a good amount of the time I won't even bother and just run to the train. I struggle with the same issues, its as if I can sense when my mood is going south and feel absolutely powerless to shift away from the descent. Once the mood shifts to negative it is right back to being stuck and unable to function as I would like to or on anything at all really. The thing I have been told to focus on is the fact that I have these sudden rises in motivation and ability to get things done. You say you can BARELY do laundry, but the fact is that you are getting it done. You haven't given up on your masters nor have you dropped out of the program, at least you are functioning somewhat through the stages of immense pain. My therapist helped me identify that at the very least I have some coping mechanisms in place throughout all of this, and even if they aren't a hundred percent effective all of the time at the very least I am able to get out of bed, go to work, even go out and have fun every once in awhile. Even if its just 25 percent of the time, its a hell of a lot better than never. Try to look at the little things that are getting done bit by bit I guess, its the best advice I can offer coming from a similar standpoint. Having begun to look at this way I find myself being able to pick myself out of the descents much faster than I used to. Something is better than nothing I guess...either way I hope the insight is of some small assistance and good luck with everything.
Author abust1 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 I hear ya on the grooming before work. I've gone a couple days without showering too. Your "bit by bit" comment hit home too, based on this recent wave. Sunday through Tuesday were very bad. Suicidal thoughts. I had to go outside and cry and scream in my car yesterday. Then I wrote in my journal, at work, with people walking by. I must look crazy scribbling in my notebook. Anyway, my journal was blahblahblah about the breakup as usual. I had a new revelation which pulled me out of the rut. Then, I made a list of stuff I wanted to get done last night. This has all happened before, but this time I kept it short and simple as possible: return a book, grocery store, laundry, order tires. I got it all done (barely). When working on my thesis makes the list, I'm going to take it slow: work on thesis for 1 hour. Don't try to fix myself completely in 1 day and hopefully I can ride small accomplishments for a few extra days of happiness.
Tryingtorebuild Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 It seems we are both of rather similar mindsets here. But it looks like at the very least stuff is getting done. I have written my thoughts out quite often whether it is on paper, or an email or text addressed to her that I will never send and it helps but not as much as I would like I suppose...as for the screaming and stuff it has been recommended to me often, does that help at all? I have been told its best to let it all out somehow and that is helpful to a lot of people so I was wondering about the results. I find it hard not obsess over the past too, actually I think that is the reason I dip so often into this negative place...I try to go out and have fun, work out, meet people, rekindle old friendships, all in all pull my life together but it seems unavoidable. Sadly it seems that no matter how I cope the only thing that heals fully is time. Day by Day is the best I can do right now, and knowing that has helped... In terms of the suicidal thoughts, be careful with that, and constantly monitor those feelings. Are you seeing speaking to someone else about these kind of thoughts or are they mostly kept internally? These are things that should most definitely be shared somewhere, preferably professionally. I often find myself in dark places and find myself feeling the same way, but once I acknowledge they are there and what the repercussions of such actions would entail I find myself slowly pulling away from them. I think the big difference between being suicidal having thoughts about suicide, is the acknowledgement that even though the feelings are there, they are mostly impulsive and can be kept under control. Either way they are terrifying, and should be discussed somewhere.
Ajax Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I'm in a similar boat, I'm 3 weeks of NC with ex. I was looking forarward to this fall because there were so many things we were planning to do that aren't going to happen now. I go through the ups and downs. Monday I came accross the program I saved from her graduation from nursing school. That was back in May, at a time when our future seemed to have infinite possibilities. But breaking up wasn't one of the possibilities I was considering. I also have a masters thesis to do, and I haven't even started it. I'll try to in the next couple days. As for grooming, I now have a very decent beard going for me. I doubt it'll help me with the ladies, but since I'm not ready to look for another one yet I think I'm gonna rock it for a while longer.
strangeways Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Know how you feel. It's only been 10 days NC with me and I don't have good or bad days but good and bad hours. Mornings and evenings with me are bad. Wake and think about her first thing. At work I'm fine, often feel really good for some reason as if I'm coming to some kind of understanding/acceptance of it all. Then I get home and she's not here. Early evening now and I want her here and want to contact her. Torture. I've found reading to be the best thing for me or sometimes writing emails to her about how I feel but never send helps. Thank god I'm off out to meet a friend tomorrow evening. I also do all the usual stuff like running etc. House is spotless at the moment! I've tried to clear out everything of hers but stuff just keeps popping up, it was an old bottle of her shampoo today. Even that brings up memories as she always used to complain about how expensive it was. Dreading this weekend. We were supposed to have a romantic long weekend near where she was born and where her family live. I was going to meet her whole family at a big gathering. No one available this weekend so up and down for me I suspect.
Author abust1 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Sounds like I've been going through this a little longer than you guys, which is sad that I'm still in as bad of shape as I'm in. Tryingtorebuild: Yes, the screaming helps. Cry, scream, whatever, just let it out. Imagine your ex is there with you, and you are screaming at them. Let it out and the ensuing mind-clearing can give you a new direction, a new revelation. Unforunately I haven't found a way to force this, but I'm thinking meditation would be useful if I could somehow master that. Something else besides the pain to give you focus. Thanks for you concern about the suicidal thoughts. It has been very rare and it is a dark place, but I pull out of it pretty quick. I am seeing a counselor. The reading helps, I've got tons of "How to let go" and "Love addiction" and stupid books like that which I've been through. The reading starts to lose its luster and now only action makes me feel better. Even if you are just taking notes while reading these books. Or making these posts.. action action action.
Tryingtorebuild Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 For what its worth using time elapsed as a way to gauge how you "should" be feeling at a certain point seems to be a source of infinite frustration for myself. I get to mentally kicking my own ass thinking why are you still hurting, or regretting the past when she clearly isn't. I apparently set superhuman standards for myself in terms of coping and moving forward, so of course when I fail to meet them I only get that much more upset/angry/depressed. Part of me doesn't want to stop, because if I do its really gone, but part of me knows that if don't than there will never really be anything else...her or otherwise. All in all the word "should" is worthless here. As long as you have the desire to push onward, focus on that. Hopefully the rest will just fall into place one way or the other. At least that is what I keep telling myself anyway...time is fickle meh
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