Should I break up with him?

[lofi_tokyo]

I found these forums two years ago when I went through a different break up. And here I am again, posting on the break up forums. *sigh*

 

I posted earlier today in the dating forum about my boyfriend and I's relationship.

 

Here's the rundown in point form:

-We've almost been dating for 6 months. I love him, and I told him about a week ago.

-I was/am planning to travel in January-March of 2011. I asked my boyfriend how serious he felt the relationship was. I've gone traveling in the past while an ex (who I was dating at the time) stayed home, and when I got back he had left me for someone else. I have a chronic fear of being in a relationship while abroad now. Its either come with me, or break up.

-He said I have "much stronger feelings for him than he does for me". This lead to a prolonged moment of silence, I can't remember what I said in response, but his response was that he feels "broken" and that he is in a "bad place right now". He said I'm fantastic and he feels like he should love me, but he just can't. He explained that he "loathes" himself because he doesn't like his life right now. He started crying - which he hasn't done since more than four years ago, when his ex (first and only love) ending things with him.

 

We talked. He told me he likes me a lot and wants us to stay together.

 

Last night I told him I'd stay for now, on the condition that he works on figuring out what he wants in life. I'll be there for him in whatever capacity I can help. He said its "monumental" that I'd stay with him through this, and that its nice to have "someone in his corner". I know he deeply appreciates my staying.

 

But here's the thing. I don't know if I should stay. I love him but... it sounds as though he's unsure if he'll ever love me. His daily actions are always very loving. He's an incredible boyfriend, and as I noted in my other thread, if not for our discussion, I'd have assumed he DID love me, because his actions suggests he does. But he doesn't.

 

Should I get out now? I am terrified of falling into another relationship like my previous one - a relationship where I'm always waiting on a wish that may not come true. Its pure agony.

 

Thanks for the advice, the more the better - I can't stop thinking about this. Sorry for the long post.

Edited September 22, 2010 by tokyovogue

[TaraMaiden]

Really?

 

You sound like a sucker for punishment pinning your hopes on a 'maybe' because you think there might never be anything else, and better to have a "possibly" for sure, than a "definitely" as an unknown.

 

I think you're not staying for the right reasons.

You're staying out of neediness, not for the noble and considerate reasons you gave him.

 

I think you need to re-assess your motivation, because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't look genuinely altruistic.

It looks desperate.

[lofi_tokyo]

And I think that's why I'm questioning staying, Tara. I fully see the point of your post, and that's precisely why I'm here. I'm trying to asses my thoughts. What I'm looking for is suggestions on how to go about this.

 

You're also very wrong about me staying for a maybe instead of searching for a definitely unknown. Oh BOY do I think about that a lot. I think part of finding that unknown is exploring each relationship I encounter. I'm not staying out of neediness, though I understand how you read it that way.

 

A strong point in me staying is BECAUSE I want all the best for him. Yet while I believe in staying to be supportive and to help him see happier days, I also have gone through deep depression myself, and I know that at the end of the day, whether I'm present or not, he's going to need to want to change for himself. Not because I'm there holding his hand.

 

I almost wonder if, by sticking around when he'll never love me, I'm only adding pressure to his situation though. He feels guilty about me loving him when he's only capable of really liking me. I almost feel like I'm doing him more harm than anything by wanting a meaningful relationship with him.

Edited September 22, 2010 by tokyovogue

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for responding.

 

Look, obviously I can only put things forward from the perspective I'm getting, and what I'm getting, is this:

 

In a way, by staying, you're supporting a flaw in his commitment.

By a side-route, (rather than directly), you're hoping to 'fix' him.

But it can't be done. Particularly if there are aspects of yourself that also need "fixing"....

You can't mend a broken cart by adding a dodgy wheel.

 

Your happiness is dependent on you being 100% happy with you.

And his happiness depends on him being 100% happy with himself.

 

This may mean that either one of you might need to not be in this, either for themselves or the other person.

 

You need 'you' time to really come to terms with who you are, who you want to be, what you want, and what you need to get there.

But while your focus is taken up on considering his position, and who he is, who he wants to be, what he wants and what he needs to get there - you're never going to have the time to address what you're life is aiming for.

 

you both need to be alone.

It's all very well having someone in his corner.

but he can have that without you having to suspend your own progress.

That doesn't help anyone, because by the time he finally 'gets' what he wants..... where will that leave you?

 

If you've walked beside him, being supportive, being his friend, being there for you - who's doing that for you, and what you need from a relationship, exactly?

[brainblox]

@TaraMaiden, You have just nailed it spot on. I think your last comment sums up what's wrong with most failed relationships, simply a case of us not knowing what we want and don't want. Great reply !

[carhill]

Should I get out now?

 

Based on what you've shared, yeah, I think you should. After six months, you each should know if there's a 'love connection' and your absence shouldn't affect that connection. His disclosures indicate his struggles. They are *his* struggles. Perhaps, in the future, if/when you each have faced your respective struggles and moved through them, you can re-connect.

[lofi_tokyo]

Hmm.

 

Thank you for the replies so far everyone.

 

After my last break up, I worked so hard on becoming happy for myself, and I did. Honestly, I'd smile at the world each day and appreciate life. I knew that once I reached that point, I was ready to date.

 

I guess what I never anticipated is that the person I'd go on to date would have issues of their own.

 

I'm so happy with him when we're not putting a focus on love, and I thought maybe I should just wait for him to figure himself out a bit more. But it the question regarding if I am doting on him, who is doting on me has really put some perspective on this.

 

I think sometimes when a couple has one individual knowing they're in love, and the other unsure, that it is a matter of time - assuming the other has some sort of deep want for the loving partner to stay, and that this person can see themselves eventually falling in love. I'm not sure if that's where my boyfriend is at right now. I'll need to talk to him I guess, but I think that the bottom line is he just can't see himself loving me, and what I want is a loving relationship.

 

Sigh

[TaraMaiden]

In brief - this is not a win-win situation then, is it?

[lofi_tokyo]

No, I guess not. I don't think I'll be able to break up with him today... maybe not even for another couple weeks. I need to wrap my head around the idea a bit more before I fully commit to it. I have a tendancy to just jump into things on a whim, and I think I should give this some time. I'll probably keep posting here with any questions/concerns I come up with in the meantime.

 

Thanks for all your help so far Tara, and everyone else for that matter.

[TaraMaiden]

I also think it would be fair on both of you, if you were to come clean with what your needs are, and explain to him that much as you love him, want to support him, want to be there for him - you need a more committed and sincere input, to give you what you need from a relationship.

No relationship - whatever the dynamic, be it familial, professional or romantic - can thrive and survive on unbalanced, unequal input.

Some people in Relationships are givers, others takers. But you have to assess whether the payoff in being a giver, is sufficient a reward to justify continuing in this vein.

Some givers find contentment, fulfilment and sufficient reward, but honestly?

I really don't think this situation gives you near enough of what you seek.

 

Hell.....you wouldn't be talking about it if it did, would you?

 

By all means give it time, if this is truly what you believe you should do.

But don't delay the inevitable for the sake of it.

 

And don't have sex with him, if you know this is in its final stages.

That's just giving more of yourself, purely for the gratification of the moment, and not because it's borne out of love and commitment.

 

I wish you the very best.

[lofi_tokyo]

I guess one thing that also needs to be addressed is that he sounds depressed. I'm not a doctor, so by no means am I capable of diagnosing him, but if the feelings he expressed to me are sincere, I'd like him to consider seeing a doctor.

 

Should I talk to him about this right away? It took a lot for him to even tell me about his problems, and I don't want to feel like I'm invading his space or pressuring him into something because he opened up to me. At the same time though, I know that if he is going to improve himself, it is very possible he may need to see a doctor/therapist.

[pandagirl]

I guess one thing that also needs to be addressed is that he sounds depressed. I'm not a doctor, so by no means am I capable of diagnosing him, but if the feelings he expressed to me are sincere, I'd like him to consider seeing a doctor.

 

Should I talk to him about this right away? It took a lot for him to even tell me about his problems, and I don't want to feel like I'm invading his space or pressuring him into something because he opened up to me. At the same time though, I know that if he is going to improve himself, it is very possible he may need to see a doctor/therapist.

 

You can bring it up as a way to open up a conversation about it, but his mental health is not your responsibility. It is only his.

 

I understand wanting to be there for him, but what do you get out of that?

[lofi_tokyo]

You can bring it up as a way to open up a conversation about it, but his mental health is not your responsibility. It is only his.

 

I understand wanting to be there for him, but what do you get out of that?

 

Having suffered from depression myself, I am fully aware that ultimately his mental health is something he'll need to look into, not me.

 

That being said, I'd suggest to any friend or peer to seek professional help if they seemed depressed, so I'm not nessasarily looking for anything in telling him this, other than I think he probably should be seeking out help.

 

I want him to be happy for himself instead of hating himself.

[carhill]

IMO, empathy and care are great attributes and feelings and actions, as long as one feels health from expressing them. When one begins to question balance, that's the time for reviewing ones boundaries and communicating them. 'I hope you have happiness. I want you to have that. Supporting you in that journey is something I'd relish within a loving and committed relationship. I'd like to feel that same support and commitment from you. How do you feel about that?' Listen. Accept. Decide if the response and subsequent actions match with your boundaries. If not, then let him go, without prejudice. For everything there is a time and a place and now and here may not be that for you.

 

Regarding suggesting professional help, an approach would be to share your experiences 'I was having some problems with depression and went to see a psychologist about it. How do you feel about that?' Listen. Accept. If he sees nothing in himself touched by your sharing and that differs from your perception, accept that. If sharing opens a dialogue, then take that path. Help is something he has to *want* to be effective, IMO.

[Quest]

IShould I get out now? I am terrified of falling into another relationship like my previous one - a relationship where I'm always waiting on a wish that may not come true. Its pure agony.

 

Thanks for the advice, the more the better - I can't stop thinking about this. Sorry for the long post.

 

I feel for you. But like the other posters I'd say best to cut your losses now.

 

Don't waste your life 'waiting for a wish that may not come true'. From what you say it's more than likely it won't in this case, as he's told you he doesn't love you. He might be depressed, or confused, or unhappy but you can't sort that out for him - it needs to come from him. If you support him on the understanding that he 'likes you and would like to love you but doesn't and may never' then you are enabling his non commitment.

 

Go travelling and do what you plan to do with your life. If he suddenly decides he loves you he'll fight for you and your going travelling won't alter that. But don't go away thinking that he might change his attitude - because based on current evidence he won't. Make it a fresh start for YOU.

 

It might hurt in the short term but six months isn't six years and you'll get over it. If you stick around in this situation you'll be investing more and more of your time and emotion and it will be harder and harder to give up.

 

Good luck!

[lofi_tokyo]

So just an update from yesterday.

 

I went to my boyfriend with all the advice each one of you has given me, and from our conversation came this:

-He sees a long-term future with me. He said we're so great together it only makes sense.

-He said that admitting he's been in a rut and commiting himself to change has made him a lot more optimistic about the future (though he's still "sad"), and though he felt our relationship couldn't last while he was in the rut, having hope for change now, and knowing I won't leave him because he's been stuggling lately has made him feel strongly about our relationship.

 

Love didn't come up. But its been just under six months, and I know for some people, it can take much longer to fall in love. Am I waiting on love? I don't know. I think what I have learned from everyone's posts here is that I was forgetting to love myself when I was getting wrapped up in helping my boyfriend.

 

I told him this - that I need to put myself first. I can't expect him to ever love me, or for either of us to be happy if I'm losing myself in this relationship.

 

I feel in a way that I've failed all of you that have given me advice, because I have no (at current) ended things. But... things are looking good for us now. I think my needs are being met - and as my needs grow/change, I now know I need to express them and self-evaluate to see what it is I'm missing.

 

And I guess that's where I stand now. Thanks for all the advice everyone.

[amagordos]

Good for you, for putting your needs first. I just think that maye he should miss you. If you leave, he could realize he truly loves you or realize he doesn't care for you as much as you want him to. It's great that you are there for him, though, but I still think that you should go on that trip. I wonder, you should think with your heart and your brain. Sometimes they are both very conflicting. You don't have to follow the advice here on this board, you just do what feels best for you. You can take it as a grain of salt.