summerl0vesyou Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 How did you(or how to do you plan to) accept the change- I went from being so in love, he was too. He promised to love me forever and be there for me, and did so for quite a long time..even just a few months ago. But things CHANGED.... he no longer stands by his word. How do you accept it really changed? How do you accept that its no longer the same, truly not the same... Im stuck, hes so cold to me and i know i need to move on. He couldnt care less if he tried. And at one point, he promised he'd never be that way to me and would spend his life loving me. All the promises are broken. How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to ever trust again? Why do things have to change?
xinchao123 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Girl, time will help you accept that reality that people change over time . trust me I've been thru it and it just got over a few days ago. plus you have to know that, there is nothing permanent is this life, there is only permanent moments of love, in this short life. Once he wants to walk away you can't do anything much because you 2 now are not going on the same path anymore.... Try it hard to improve yourself, love will come again.
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 How did you(or how to do you plan to) accept the change- I went from being so in love, he was too. He promised to love me forever and be there for me, and did so for quite a long time..even just a few months ago. But things CHANGED.... he no longer stands by his word. How do you accept it really changed? How do you accept that its no longer the same, truly not the same... Im stuck, hes so cold to me and i know i need to move on. He couldnt care less if he tried. And at one point, he promised he'd never be that way to me and would spend his life loving me. All the promises are broken. Promises that are impossible to keep, should never be made in the first place. 'Forever' doesn't mean 'eternally'. It just means 'until things change'. How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to ever trust again? Why do things have to change? You deal with that by understanding that everything changes. Even you. You might insist you 'haven't changed', but of course, you have. I have, he has, everybody has. Nothing, but nothing ever remains the same. You trust again by accepting that nothing is perfect. People are fickle, and they have the very best of initial intentions, but what matters more is their commitment to the effort it takes. We all let others down in one way or another, at one time or another. Have you ever, ever let anybody down, either purposely, or by accident, and felt bad about it afterwards? Or maybe felt justified? We all do it at one point.... How would you feel if the people you let down (accidentally or otherwise) told you they could never trust you again? Why do things have to change? They don't 'have to'. They just do. It's part of life. Every single thing you see around you, every single person, every single thing you hold, see, ride in, walk on, sit on, talk to, read, watch, live in, is temporary. It all changes. Live with it, because you are one of those 'things'.......
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) summerl0vesyou, I feel for you, but with everything in life, love included, things can change! Change is one of the few universal absolutes in life, it happens to places, people, things and or ideas. You said something that if you don't mind, I would like some clarification on, you said and I quote "he no longer stands by his word"! Are these words that he apparently is no longer standing by, would they happen to be his wedding vow's? For once upon a time I was married, When we "tied the knot" we quoted off our wedding vow's, lived true to the vow's for 13 out the 14 years of marriage, then in the final year of marriage, my ex-wife did not either remember and or choose to have forgotten the vow of "forsaking all others"! Now wedding vow's might be what your talking about, it could have just been very strong and passionate commitment styled words. Like "you and me, forever" or "I will always love you" or "I will never leave you" or "I promise to be your boyfriend for life", stuff like that. But in the end, I learned kind of the hard way, either it be "wedding vow's" or just boyfriend/girlfriend commitment styled words, I learned that it takes two to keep the words alive, they can not be kept alive by one person alone. Also, you said and I quote "How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to ever trust again? Why do things have to change? Well speaking only out of opinion, to me, this is how it plays out..... How am I supposed to deal with that? = You don't, don't try to deal with someones lack of commitment, via their words. I would just be thankful that this person has flown their "true colors" and this now may be something you don't want to be a part of anymore. This might be the time for you to start thinking about "you"! Start working on yourself, start living life for yourself, start having fun with yourself............just a thought! How am I supposed to ever trust again? = You will, this will come in time. After the sting is gone in regards to your current situation, and the dust from your "personal rebuild" settles, there will be trust again. Someone in your position may go through this fast and find another and trust the person quickly. Or, someone in your position may be slow to find another, or be slow to give out trust again................fast or slow, the trust will once again be there........in time! Why do things change? = As I said at the beggining of my post, the hard fact of life, that no one can run from, no one can escape, that no one can do anything about...............is the universal fact that "everything changes"! Be good to yourself, keep your chin up, if you need to talk, we here on LS are listening:) Edited September 22, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior
Author summerl0vesyou Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) summerl0vesyou, I feel for you, but with everything in life, love included, things can change! Change is one of the few universal absolutes in life, it happens to places, people, things and or ideas. You said something that if you don't mind, I would like some clarification on, you said and I quote "he no longer stands by his word"! Are these words that he apparently is no longer standing by, would they happen to be his wedding vow's? For once upon a time I was married, When we "tied the knot" we quoted off our wedding vow's, lived true to the vow's for 13 out the 14 years of marriage, then in the final year of marriage, my ex-wife did not either remember and or choose to have forgotten the vow of "forsaking all others"! Now wedding vow's might be what your talking about, it could have just been very strong and passionate commitment styled words. Like "you and me, forever" or "I will always love you" or "I will never leave you" or "I promise to be your boyfriend for life", stuff like that. But in the end, I learned kind of the hard way, either it be "wedding vow's" or just boyfriend/girlfriend commitment styled words, I learned that it takes two to keep the words alive, they can not be kept alive by one person alone. Also, you said and I quote "How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to ever trust again? Why do things have to change? Well speaking only out of opinion, to me, this is how it plays out..... How am I supposed to deal with that? = You don't, don't try to deal with someones lack of commitment, via their words. I would just be thankful that this person has flown their "true colors" and this now may be something you don't want to be a part of anymore. This might be the time for you to start thinking about "you"! Start working on yourself, start living life for yourself, start having fun with yourself............just a thought! How am I supposed to ever trust again? = You will, this will come in time. After the sting is gone in regards to your current situation, and the dust from your "personal rebuild" settles, there will be trust again. Someone in your position may go through this fast and find another and trust the person quickly. Or, someone in your position may be slow to find another, or be slow to give out trust again................fast or slow, the trust will once again be there........in time! Why do things change? = As I said at the beggining of my post, the hard fact of life, that no one can run from, no one can escape, that no one can do anything about...............is the universal fact that "everything changes"! Be good to yourself, keep your chin up, if you need to talk, we here on LS are listening:) thank you so much for this post. First, Im sorry about your marriage. I cant even imagine what that feels like. I hope I never find out. But it seems like nothing lasts forever =/ But you seem stronger and wiser from the experience. His words were not wedding vows, as we never were married. He did not believe in marriage, but wanted to spend his life with me and said he hoped one day his view would change. he said things such as : "I dont want to lose what we have, ever. I hope you understand that." "I will always love you, infinity +1.(it was a thing we said...the first time, he said "Ill love you for infinity" and I said, +1. He said theres nothing more than infinity, but i tried arguing it, and eventually we both said it) "I will never leave you" "I will always be here for you. if you need anything, call me. I mean it." "I would spend my life with you, we will never be apart" "you are the most beautiful thing in my life, that will never change. you have nothing to worry about with me. I believe God put us together for a reason and Im thankful everyday" "we have a bond that is unlike any other" "Ill never love anyone else" "Ill love you forever, and ever" "Ill never be over you, there will always be a hole right in the middle of my heart that you were the only one to fill, and you take that piece with you"(this was in April). I could go on, and on. I seriously believed him. These were repetitive. It was pretty much drilled into my head. I cant seem to accept that this is no longer true. I was his first girlfriend(at 21) and he had liked other girls before, and others had liked him. but he never dated anyone for a lot of reasons, mainly his own personal issues. But when we fell in love, he gave that up. we both said we believed God put us together, to be together for all our lives. it is SO incredibly painful. Im really depressed. were forced to have contact because of a legal thing (car accident and Im being sued- he was in the car with me). and he is just cold. and I told him that I was at the hospital and what I had, and he said "im sorry to hear that." he no longer cares. and Its IMPOSSIBLE for me to believe he really does not care! I hate being alive and I know it isnt good. I see a counselor every week, talk to friends, Ive tried anti depressants and nothing helps. I feel hopeless. I dont even know what to do right now. Nothing makes me happy. I started going running, reading, adopted kittens, take baths, see people...i mean the list goes on...and nothing is making me happy. I dont know if anyone has any other advice? He wont talk to me, so I cant really get any more closure from him than I already have. He just gets mad. People think hes over me, and I just cant believe it =/ Edited September 22, 2010 by summerl0vesyou
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 he said things such as : "I dont want to lose what we have, ever. I hope you understand that." "I will always love you, infinity +1.(it was a thing we said...the first time, he said "Ill love you for infinity" and I said, +1. He said theres nothing more than infinity, but i tried arguing it, and eventually we both said it) "I will never leave you" "I will always be here for you. if you need anything, call me. I mean it." "I would spend my life with you, we will never be apart" "you are the most beautiful thing in my life, that will never change. you have nothing to worry about with me. I believe God put us together for a reason and Im thankful everyday" "we have a bond that is unlike any other" "Ill never love anyone else" "Ill love you forever, and ever" "Ill never be over you, there will always be a hole right in the middle of my heart that you were the only one to fill, and you take that piece with you"(this was in April). I could go on, and on. I seriously believed him. The problem, if I may say so, is as much on your part, as his. I'm sorry, but if someone begins talking to me in such insistent terms, my BS radar gets fired up. All of the above is unreal and unsustainable. To make remarks like the ones above is immature, juvenile and frankly, unrealistic. The fact that you are also extremely young, leaves you vulnerable, because you simply don't have the life experience to evaluate such remarks realistically. In short, you believed this stuff not because he said it, but because you wanted to. These were repetitive. It was pretty much drilled into my head. And you never once, doubted him? You never once thought - 'this is just his heart speaking, not his head'.? The heart-speech is always doubtful. The head-speech is far more believable. My partner and I have often talked about the fact that things may or may not come to an abrupt 'man-made' end. This isn't self-sabotaging or being pessimistic. It's looking at life as a reality, and knowing that there are unknown and unseen equations to consider. I cant seem to accept that this is no longer true. I was his first girlfriend(at 21) and he had liked other girls before, and others had liked him. but he never dated anyone for a lot of reasons, mainly his own personal issues. But when we fell in love, he gave that up. we both said we believed God put us together, to be together for all our lives. Is he a devoted church-going Christian? Does he actively work in the Christian community? Does he believe God also split you up and destroyed your relationship? Has he said God told him He'd changed his mind, and that this actually wans't going to work, after all? Does this make God a liar - or him? (. . .) I dont even know what to do right now. Nothing makes me happy. I started going running, reading, adopted kittens, take baths, see people...i mean the list goes on...and nothing is making me happy. I dont know if anyone has any other advice? He wont talk to me, so I cant really get any more closure from him than I already have. He just gets mad. People think hes over me, and I just cant believe it You don't do things as a replacement or distraction. You do them because they're part of moving on. Nothing will replace or take the place of what you've lost. So if you're doing these things in the hope of filling the gap - you will inevitably fail. These things are not therapy. These things are additional activities you've taken up. You get over things because you decide for yourself that the cr*p you're left with, is not going to be a burden any more. A memory? Yes, sure. A hindrance, an impediment, a hurdle, a challenge to be overcome? Up to you. Closure comes from you, not from him. If he gets mad, he doesn't want you probing, so closure is your job, not his. I suspect another woman, at this point, but I would also suggest he feels very guilty and the anger is deflecting from his own culpability.
Author summerl0vesyou Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 The problem, if I may say so, is as much on your part, as his. I'm sorry, but if someone begins talking to me in such insistent terms, my BS radar gets fired up. All of the above is unreal and unsustainable. To make remarks like the ones above is immature, juvenile and frankly, unrealistic. The fact that you are also extremely young, leaves you vulnerable, because you simply don't have the life experience to evaluate such remarks realistically. In short, you believed this stuff not because he said it, but because you wanted to. And you never once, doubted him? You never once thought - 'this is just his heart speaking, not his head'.? The heart-speech is always doubtful. The head-speech is far more believable. My partner and I have often talked about the fact that things may or may not come to an abrupt 'man-made' end. This isn't self-sabotaging or being pessimistic. It's looking at life as a reality, and knowing that there are unknown and unseen equations to consider. Is he a devoted church-going Christian? Does he actively work in the Christian community? Does he believe God also split you up and destroyed your relationship? Has he said God told him He'd changed his mind, and that this actually wans't going to work, after all? Does this make God a liar - or him? You don't do things as a replacement or distraction. You do them because they're part of moving on. Nothing will replace or take the place of what you've lost. So if you're doing these things in the hope of filling the gap - you will inevitably fail. These things are not therapy. These things are additional activities you've taken up. You get over things because you decide for yourself that the cr*p you're left with, is not going to be a burden any more. A memory? Yes, sure. A hindrance, an impediment, a hurdle, a challenge to be overcome? Up to you. Closure comes from you, not from him. If he gets mad, he doesn't want you probing, so closure is your job, not his. I suspect another woman, at this point, but I would also suggest he feels very guilty and the anger is deflecting from his own culpability. Ok, while I appreciate your opinion, I feel its a little unfair. He wasnt my first, wont be my last. Ive loved before him, heard all the lines, and NEVER believed anyone else. He was different. He seemed so unbelievably genuine. And because of the "bond" and the way we were, I truly believed we would always be together. we went through a lot of the same things as children, we could talk and laugh for hours. It never got old. We understood each other and connected on such a deep level. We would complete each other's sentences and usually had the same thoughts! It was insane. It seemed obvious to me, at the time, that this was real. So when he said it, it confirmed how I believed, as well. I started "dating" when i was 12, Im now 21. Ive had more boyfriends than I could shake a stick at. Is it unrealistic to believe forever? Yeah, maybe. Am I stupid? Yeah, maybe. But will I stand for someone saying its my fault for believing something like that? No, I wont. Cuz you know what? It happens sometimes, as crazy as THAT is. And yes, I did doubt it sometimes. Id say to him, "How can you really be sure you wont change your mind?" Etc. and he would always reassure me and say things like, "Look at how we are and where we've come from together, its clear" etc. Most of the time I do approach situations with "You never know." And im very used to people coming and going. I just felt truly deep within me, that this was different. I was wrong. I can admit that. Its just incredibly hard to believe that I was wrong about something that seemed SO right. And yes, he is a devoted Catholic. I havent talked much to him, but Im sure he believes that he misjudged the situation and that God truly didnt intend for us to be together forever. He blames himself, not God. I feel the same. We both were fooled by our own hearts.
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