Am I in denial about what happened?

[bittermelon]

So I was in a relationship with this guy for a long time (8 years). It was a relationship that was filled with highs and lows, very passionate, never boring. I guess you can say that I got used to the drama. We probably broke up and made up 4 times a year, had enough craziness throughout the years to write a soap opera based on us. Usually our lows had to do with trust, mainly me trusting him. I've had suspicions in the past that he's cheated on me, such as text messages, phone calls, leaving home and coming in late without telling me where he's going. There was a time very early in our relationship when I came across racy pictures of another girl and he admitted to it since he couldn't deny the evidence. But other than this, every time I've asked him if he was cheating he had an excuse ie. this girl liked him but he didn't like her that way but she's always calling. that sort of thing.

 

anyway, finally after 8 years I told him it's time for him to make a committment. I gave him 3 months to think about what he wants from us and said if he doesn't want to settle, it's done. He called me and said he wanted me to move in and start a family, that he loved me. So I started getting everything together for the big move, but long story short I ended up getting suspicious and found out that he created a dating profile online. I went over to his place in the middle of the night and found him in bed with another woman. She told me that she didn't know he was with somebody of 8 years and that she was under the impression they were both "seeing others" and that this thing they had just started recently.

 

I confronted him, we had the biggest fight ever. I got physical, hit him, cried, yelled, screamed, threw things at him. He told me he did it because he was scared because the thought of me moving in, us having children scared him because his last serious relationship ended horribly and kids were involved. Now, he's basically telling me he's afraid of what would happen if he fails again and doesn't want to give himself the opportunity to end up in the same situation if we were to break up and have children involved. He told me this was the only time that he cheated other than in the beginning of our relationship but somehow I doubt it because of all the other suspicions that I've had throughout the years. I broke it off with him then and there.

 

This is my dilemma: All this happened a week ago and I cried, got angry, went through all the emotions of contemplating suicide, not eating, driving by his house, etc. But today I found myself missing him and when I think about how angry and hurt I was when I found them in bed together, it doesn't seem to hurt me. It feels like my mind is minimizing the seriousness of what happened that night. I don't know why. Is it because my heart wants him back so I'm unconciously trying to forget about what happened so that I will give him another chance to be with me? Or is it because I've been so used to 8 years of drama that I almost came to expect that this would happen something, so I'm not in shock that it actually happened? I try to recollect the emotions that ran through me when I caught them together but I can't seem to trigger any strong emotions. I'm not stupid and my mind knows that what he did is unforgivable and unacceptable and wrong, but somehow I can't bring myself to be angry and I'm afraid if I continue to feel this way, I'm going to minimize what happened and try to reconcile with him. Has anyone been confused like this before? I don't know what to do......

[PegNosePete]

Sorry for what you're going through. Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster.

 

I think most people who are cheated on feel like that at some point. You don't want to lose what you've got. You are used to being with him, you have big plans and visions of the future. You just want to go back to how it was before. You're scared of facing the unknown future without him.

 

He is quite obviously not ready for commitment. If you do reconcile, the chances are very high that this will happen again. And again, and again. Most likely all those other times you suspected him, he was cheating as well. Finding out that he is capable of cheating makes you look at the past situations differently. You cannot trust him, or a word he says.

 

Dump him.

[TigerCub]

Hey bm,

 

Sorry that you're going through such hearbreak.

I'm not sure how old you guys are.

But if after 8 years, you guys weren't even living together - I think that says something about his commitment to you.

 

Also, consider the fact that when you told him you wanted to see where the relationship was, his solution was for you to move in and start a family - not for him to marry you.

 

Granted - people have diff views on marriage, and not everyone wants to get married - Even me - I have no desire to get married.

But I don't know if you guys discussed it before and if both of you felt a certain way about marraige.

 

As far as the cheating goes - seems like he did it reapeatedly, it wasn't a one time mistake - so chances are if you do get back with him, he will continue to do it.

 

As for your feelings of minimizing the cheating in your head - my first guess was that maybe you're still in shock about it. You said that its only been a week since.

 

A lot of people take back cheaters simply because they are so used to having them in their lives, there is a certain bond between them, and also because they are afraid to close the door on a familiar relationship and see what else is out there.

 

You just have to ask yourself what you're willing to live with.

Do you want to take back someone that has repeatedly cheated on you and spend the rest of your life wondering where he is, and who he's doing.

Also, if you have kids together, that'll tie you to him forever! - not the wisest thing IMO.

 

Give yourself time to process what happened and really feel your emotions.

Ask yourself how you want to live your life

I hope you find solutions that put you in a happy place

 

Good luck

[LoveAintEverything]

Kind of similar story happened to me, we got back together and I never forgave him, so I began to go out and cheat on him and then it finally ended. It seems like you can do so much better, I know it has been a long relationship and you love and miss him, but is it worth to get hurt again and again?...once a cheater always a cheater?..and it has happened twice

[Minnie09]

You're minimizing it, because you're not ready to let go. Your fear of ending it for good and facing new challenges (being single, emptiness, finding someone new) affects the way you think about the betrayal. Your subconscious mind fights the cognitive dissonance, i.e. you know that he's a liar and a cheat, but since you are not ready to let go, you have to minimize his behavior, in order to be able to stay, or let him lure you back in.

 

Look, for every lie you uncover, there are probably several others that you'll never know about. You've had trust issues all the time, and they don't come out of nowhere. They are there for a reason. Trust your gut. And not only that. Trust your evidence. You're lucky enough to actually HAVE evidence, unlike so many others who keep hanging in there being gaslighted.

 

Relationships end all the time, and yes, after eight years, that's going to be a big step and leave a considerable gap. But think about those who do have investments, a house, children, a marriage together. If they have to leave, they have to deal a chain-reaction of problems that has a much bigger impact than it will have on you. Be thankful for that and take the step!

[bittermelon]

hey all

 

thanks to all for your words of encouragement. you guys are right - it has only been a week and a bit since the big shock. I think I am in denial because I want to minimize what happened in case there's a chance that we can get back together. i realize now that this is normal to be feeling this conflicted but in no way does that excuse his behavior.

 

 

I have days when I still feel like I've forgiven him for what he's done, thinking it's no big deal to get over it (definitely the denial part!) but then, the next day I'm pissing mad over what he has done to me. so yes, it's defintely going to be a roller coaster ride for the next few months. also, it's true that he's done this at least twice before, so this is not a mistake, it's a habit.

 

thanks everyone i can't say i feel better yet, but i feel like i'm making the right decision not to be with him!

[PegNosePete]

he's done this at least twice before, so this is not a mistake

Even if he only did it once, it's not a mistake. It's a choice he made. The only way it would be a mistake is if he tripped, his clothes accidentally fell off, and he landed between her legs!

 

You're definitely doing the right thing. We're all here to support you, move on over to the "Coping" forum when you're ready

[NayWinter]

Hey Bittermelon. How are you feeling today? I finally found and read your thread, and as you know, I feel your pain. Some really good advice has been given to you on here.

 

I also understand the denial part and trying to rationalize or somehow minimize what he did to you. I've been going through the same exact roller coaster of emotions. One day I hate him, the next I'm crying and mourning over the loss of the man I thought he was, or the man I wanted him to be. I can't honestly even say that I feel your pain to the extent that you do, even though the same thing happened to me.. because you were with your bf for much longer than I was.

 

What everyone is saying is true. If you go back, he will do it again, and all of the suspicions that you had, were probably right.

 

I'm looking at my situation like this right now... I will never forget the pain that he caused me that day, and because of the lying, and betrayal, I will never look at him the same again. Because I will never forget that pain, I can't allow myself to go back to him and risk going through that again. I don't think it would be possible for him and I to get back together and be happy because he didn't just betray me once, he did it regularly. Same as your xbf.

 

Going back would just prove to these jerks that they can treat us however they want, we'll throw a fit, and shortly get over it.

 

Believe me, I know it's hard. I am weak all the time and think exactly how you are, and I think that's normal.

 

Feel kind of like some tiny part of you wishes you wouldn't have found out? I feel that way at times.

 

I hope you're doing ok today, and hope to catch up with you later.

 

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[bittermelon]

NayWinter

 

Thanks for your support. I had such a miserable day tomorrow. After I read your first post, it felt like I was reliving all the events that happened to me and I got so MAD! I ended up emailing him, breaking all NC rules and telling him that the next day I was going to my doctors to get tested for STDs, thank you very much for making my life so ****ty. I don't know why I felt the need to do it. Maybe to worry him? Maybe in some screwed up way I thought that he might email me back and tell me there's no need to because he never went all the way? His reply was "Please do tell me what your results are!!!!!" WTF? I didn't know how to interpret it. Was he being sarcastic with the !!! at the end because he really didn't care or is it because he knows he never went all the way so he wants to prove to me that I'm being paranoid for no reason? Or is it because he genuinely cares and wants to know?

 

But that one email ruined my day today because all I could think about was him. One minute, I'm hoping that he would come to me and beg me to come back to him and tell me he made the biggest mistake of his life and maybe, perhaps God made me catch him because that's the only way to stop this nonsense and make him come to his senses and deal with his committment issues in a healthier way. The next minute, I think about all the lies I've been told over the years, being accused of being jealous and paranoid, and all I want to do is call him up, get him to meet up with me under friendly pretenses and when he does, I'm ready to use him as a punching bag (hope pickles is not reading this, cause he/she will go berserk over the violent thoughts )

 

So yeah, it's up and down but I hear what you are saying, if we go back to these guys, we basically are letting them know that they can treat us this way, we'll have our fit and go back to them after the anger subsides.

 

Has he contacted you since the whole thing happened? Have you tried to contact him? I already broke NC twice, so don't think you are weak! It takes a strong person to walk away from this situation!

 

Yes, at times I do wonder what would've happened if I never found out. I asked him if he would have continued on with this once I moved in with him and he looked at me like i was ridiculous and said there's no way he can do that with me living in the house with him! But cheaters always find a way. If I never found out THAT day, he would've just continued on with it. So I don't wish it, no, because if I had moved in with him and had a child with him and found him like this I honestly don't know what I would do.

 

Well I'm glad to catch up with you today. I was hoping to hear back from you take care *hugs*

[NayWinter]

NayWinter

 

Thanks for your support. I had such a miserable day tomorrow. After I read your first post, it felt like I was reliving all the events that happened to me and I got so MAD! I ended up emailing him, breaking all NC rules and telling him that the next day I was going to my doctors to get tested for STDs, thank you very much for making my life so ****ty. I don't know why I felt the need to do it. Maybe to worry him? Maybe in some screwed up way I thought that he might email me back and tell me there's no need to because he never went all the way? His reply was "Please do tell me what your results are!!!!!" WTF? I didn't know how to interpret it. Was he being sarcastic with the !!! at the end because he really didn't care or is it because he knows he never went all the way so he wants to prove to me that I'm being paranoid for no reason? Or is it because he genuinely cares and wants to know?

 

But that one email ruined my day today because all I could think about was him. One minute, I'm hoping that he would come to me and beg me to come back to him and tell me he made the biggest mistake of his life and maybe, perhaps God made me catch him because that's the only way to stop this nonsense and make him come to his senses and deal with his committment issues in a healthier way. The next minute, I think about all the lies I've been told over the years, being accused of being jealous and paranoid, and all I want to do is call him up, get him to meet up with me under friendly pretenses and when he does, I'm ready to use him as a punching bag (hope pickles is not reading this, cause he/she will go berserk over the violent thoughts )

 

So yeah, it's up and down but I hear what you are saying, if we go back to these guys, we basically are letting them know that they can treat us this way, we'll have our fit and go back to them after the anger subsides.

 

Has he contacted you since the whole thing happened? Have you tried to contact him? I already broke NC twice, so don't think you are weak! It takes a strong person to walk away from this situation!

 

Yes, at times I do wonder what would've happened if I never found out. I asked him if he would have continued on with this once I moved in with him and he looked at me like i was ridiculous and said there's no way he can do that with me living in the house with him! But cheaters always find a way. If I never found out THAT day, he would've just continued on with it. So I don't wish it, no, because if I had moved in with him and had a child with him and found him like this I honestly don't know what I would do.

 

Well I'm glad to catch up with you today. I was hoping to hear back from you take care *hugs*

 

Aww, I'm so sorry you had a bad day. That email that he sent you back made ME mad. It's like he's dismissing everything and being an even bigger jerk. When I told xbf I was going to get tested he begged me not to, told me that he never cheated on me, and that he wanted to go with me to prove that he'd never mess with my life in that way. That doesn't make me believe his BS story, but at least he wasn't a jerk in regards to that.

 

I did have contact with him off and on for about a week after this happened. I almost had no choice. He came to my house relentlessly, followed me on my way to my friends house, good thing I noticed I was being followed or he would have followed me all the way there. The thing is, I had to promise to see him when I got back to make him stop following me. I never wanted to talk to him after this because I had nothing nice to say. He also pointed out several times how mean I am!!

 

Well, at first he was turning the blame on me! Insulting me, telling me if I was a better talker, he wouldn't have had to talk to someone else. Telling me that I was lying about the pain I'm going through. Just real arsehole stuff. He also cried a time or two and literally begged me to come back. While my heart wants to forget this ever happened, I have too much self respect to go back to him no matter what he says or does, and he knows that.

 

So, it had been about a week since I'd talked to him. Then today, just before I got here, he had left me an offline yahoo message. Telling me that I'm giving him no hope, and asking me what he should do. I thought he was offline so I replyed to his message without anger and told him to let go. Well, he was online and he answered me. AAaaahhh!!! Anyway, he wants me to meet him tonite and asked several times and I told him no, and I won't. He also said once again that he didn't cheat on me, that she was just a friend. All of it makes me sick.

 

Him telling me he'll be wherever to meet me, he hopes I show up is going to leave him looking really stupid sitting there alone because I told him that I will not see him.

 

Anyway, I know it's not easy, it's very painful and very hard and I wish I would have never answered his message, but it's not going to change my mind.

 

I honestly think that it's all of you that have been so kind to me that is keeping me strong because I was really inlove with this man and without your support, I'm not sure that I wouldn't have run back and tried to forget what he did.. I don't think I would, but I can't be sure.

 

I hope you have a better day today. I'll be here off and on today too. Trying to stay strong through the heartache . I'm proud of how you've handled yourself and I hope you keep it up. You are better than this and someone out there is going to recognize that when the time is right.

Edited September 29, 2010 by NayWinter
typo

[bittermelon]

So what ended up happening? Did you leave him stranded at the meeting spot waiting hopelessly for you to show up? Did he contact you after when he realized you weren't going to be there?

 

I know you mentioned briefly in your OP that you had trust issues with him in the past. Do you believe that this was the first time something like this happened between him and this woman or do you think he might have been unfaithful in the past as well?

 

I'm saying this because I look at my situation compared to yours and I realize now that a lot of the stuff I was told in the past was a lie. I know for a fact that he has cheated with someone else prior to this because he finally admitted it straight up when I asked him after I caught him with the second woman. So with my situation, there's a pattern and therefore I know that giving him a 2nd chance after he already screwed up once is just asking for him to hurt me again.

 

But I wonder if this was a first for your ex. The fact that he is trying so hard to talk to you and explain to you what happened makes me wonder what he has to say. I'm not suggesting at all that you go back to him after what he's done but I'm just wondering if you're at all curious to hear the whole story behind it. Question: If you knew for certain that they didn't have sex would you be able to forgive him after the whole sleeping over debacle? Sorry I hope I'm not making you doubt your decision to leave him but I'm just wondering if you're thinking along the same line.

 

sorry if i'm rambling, my thinking is a little incoherent today. with that being said I admire you for your strength and deciding to stick to your guns and not allowing him to pressure you into giving him a second chance when that's not what you want to do. so many times I wanted to pick up the phone this evening and ask him " Why???? did you do this to us?" and then I thought of you and I think, if she can do it, so can I

 

by the way, i can't believe he tried to turn the tables on you and blame you for why he had to turn to someone else to talk to! By all means, go ahead and talk to someone else about your feelings, but letting them sleep in your bed next to you? Oh boy, I'd really like to know how our exes would have reacted if the tables were turned!

[NayWinter]

So what ended up happening? Did you leave him stranded at the meeting spot waiting hopelessly for you to show up? Did he contact you after when he realized you weren't going to be there?

 

I know you mentioned briefly in your OP that you had trust issues with him in the past. Do you believe that this was the first time something like this happened between him and this woman or do you think he might have been unfaithful in the past as well?

 

I'm saying this because I look at my situation compared to yours and I realize now that a lot of the stuff I was told in the past was a lie. I know for a fact that he has cheated with someone else prior to this because he finally admitted it straight up when I asked him after I caught him with the second woman. So with my situation, there's a pattern and therefore I know that giving him a 2nd chance after he already screwed up once is just asking for him to hurt me again.

 

But I wonder if this was a first for your ex. The fact that he is trying so hard to talk to you and explain to you what happened makes me wonder what he has to say. I'm not suggesting at all that you go back to him after what he's done but I'm just wondering if you're at all curious to hear the whole story behind it. Question: If you knew for certain that they didn't have sex would you be able to forgive him after the whole sleeping over debacle? Sorry I hope I'm not making you doubt your decision to leave him but I'm just wondering if you're thinking along the same line.

 

sorry if i'm rambling, my thinking is a little incoherent today. with that being said I admire you for your strength and deciding to stick to your guns and not allowing him to pressure you into giving him a second chance when that's not what you want to do. so many times I wanted to pick up the phone this evening and ask him " Why???? did you do this to us?" and then I thought of you and I think, if she can do it, so can I

 

by the way, i can't believe he tried to turn the tables on you and blame you for why he had to turn to someone else to talk to! By all means, go ahead and talk to someone else about your feelings, but letting them sleep in your bed next to you? Oh boy, I'd really like to know how our exes would have reacted if the tables were turned!

 

Hey, glad to hear from you today . Well, I told him in the IM that I wouldn't be there, but he went there anyway. I KNEW he expected me to fold and show up, but I didn't. So yes, I left him sitting there alone. After he realized that I meant what I said, he texted me and said " thanks for treating me like your b!tch". Whatever! I told him I wouldn't be there. That's his own fault.

 

About what he has to say... I had contact with him for about a week after all this happened and I've heard everything he has to say. All it is is a bunch of excuses, and most likely lies. Actually, I've caught him up in a couple of lies after this happened for sure. One of the times I saw him after this he did show extreme sorrow, and it actually made me feel bad for him.. which is ridiculous. However, he was crying and it was a sad sight. But since then, he's blamed me, stalked me, called me names, turned the tables and just been a real jackass. Then after he'd do all that, he would apologize. I just noticed that this is a bad pattern of him emotionally making me even worse than I already am.

 

If I found out that he didn't actually cheat on me, I still could never trust him again. I'm a really private/nontrusting person and for him to tell her every intimate detail of my life and our relationship just hurt me so bad that I don't know that I could ever forgive that. Plus, this whole "friendship" was pretty serious, they spent a lot of time together, and he kept it a huge secret and had to do a lot of lying to keep it a secret. I always told him he could have female friends as long as he was honest with me, so there was no reason to lie. I obviously wouldn't condone them sleeping in his bed though.

 

As far as this being a first for him, I honestly don't know for a fact. If I had to guess, I'd say he's cheated on me before. I've caught him in many lies. Even lies about the stupidest,smallest things. So if he would lie about dumb things then I'm certain he'd lie about big things too.

 

Please don't be sorry for asking me about these things, or wondering what he has to say. I wouldn't be so heartbroken and torn up if it was easy for me to walk away from this. I've just gone over what the future would be like after seeing what I've seen, and all of the bad things from the past, and all I see is more heartache.

 

I appreciate you thinking about me, and I'm glad that it's helping to keep you strong. You're doing great even though it feels like virtual hell. It will get better in time.

[NayWinter]

Geez, it's not going to help you to keep dwelling on this disaster, you're just feeding the obsession.

 

Cut all ties and just move on. Cut your losses.

 

Good grief, the only thing I'd be crying over is the eight years wasted, not over the loss of this dirtbag.

 

While you're absolutely right in what you said, it's easier said then done to just fall out of love with someone. It's very difficult to deal with the pain and betrayal from someone you trusted and dedicated your life to.

 

I think we all wish that pain, heartache, and love didn't linger, but it does.

[bittermelon]

 

 

I appreciate you thinking about me, and I'm glad that it's helping to keep you strong. You're doing great even though it feels like virtual hell. It will get better in time.

 

 

how are you doing today? hope you are on your way to feeling better... i'm still having ups and downs because as you said it's hard to walk away when there's still love lingering and as much as you want to hate them, there are still pieces of them that you love and want to keep.

 

it does help for me to analyze everything with my girlfriends because that's what girls do, however, like yourself, I haven't been totally truthful with all of them about what happened (certain parts i left out) because although I know I shouldn't feel embarassed because it's not my fault, I do at times feel like people might judge and wonder how i let something like this happen for so long without realizing it, and why I chose to stay with him the first time he strayed. so really and truly, i think talking to you helps more than anything because you know exactly how i feel. thanks for all your support. i'm glad we found each other but i wish it wasn't under these horrible circumstances!

 

anyway, i had a fabulous day today. there's this place that i used to go to pick up dinner for me and my ex and the guy that worked there always flirted with me and i'd get embarassed and ignore it because i was always so damned LOYAL even though my ex wasn't even there! today, i went back and i totally enjoyed the friendly flirting! just one of those small things that make you realize there are other guys out there, you just have to open your eyes.

 

have a good night!

[NayWinter]

how are you doing today? hope you are on your way to feeling better... i'm still having ups and downs because as you said it's hard to walk away when there's still love lingering and as much as you want to hate them, there are still pieces of them that you love and want to keep.

 

it does help for me to analyze everything with my girlfriends because that's what girls do, however, like yourself, I haven't been totally truthful with all of them about what happened (certain parts i left out) because although I know I shouldn't feel embarassed because it's not my fault, I do at times feel like people might judge and wonder how i let something like this happen for so long without realizing it, and why I chose to stay with him the first time he strayed. so really and truly, i think talking to you helps more than anything because you know exactly how i feel. thanks for all your support. i'm glad we found each other but i wish it wasn't under these horrible circumstances!

 

anyway, i had a fabulous day today. there's this place that i used to go to pick up dinner for me and my ex and the guy that worked there always flirted with me and i'd get embarassed and ignore it because i was always so damned LOYAL even though my ex wasn't even there! today, i went back and i totally enjoyed the friendly flirting! just one of those small things that make you realize there are other guys out there, you just have to open your eyes.

 

have a good night!

 

I am so glad that you had a great day . Mine was just ok. I've had worse days, but I've had better too. No contact is hard, but I'm sticking to it, and I know it will pay off in the end.

 

I know what you're saying about not being totally honest with your friends.. The only people I've been totally honest with about my situation are the people here. I'm so glad we found eachother too. Bad circumstances, yes, but let's try to keep eachother strong.

 

Everyone of my friends and family thought my xbf was shady, that's why I'm embarassed to admit what went down. I've been thinking, and I'm not really sure I'll tell anyone the real reasons why we broke up. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

 

Keep on staying strong and having great days! I'm pulling for you! I'm always here too, so whenever you feel like talking, well I guess until you can PM, we'll just have to find eachother:).

[bittermelon]

naywinter

 

how r u doing today? hope things are going well for you. i haven't seen much activity on your OP so hopefully that's a good sign and means that you're keeping busy with other stuff

 

well, i think i'm gonna be moving over to the coping section cause I've pretty much made up my mind about the future. now, i feel like i just need to get past the hurdle of NC. this weekend was bad. i went to a wedding and people kept telling it's the perfect opportunity to meet new people but it's hard to see other established couples so in love and i hate myself for thinking that should've been us. needless to say i kept busy last night and today all i can do is mope around at home and think about him. i know it's only been 2 weeks and a bit but i feel like it's been so long going through the pain. i need to know how others are dealing with this emotional loss, so maybe some good ideas will come out of the different threads there. hope you are doing well and i'm proud of you for being so strong, i only hope i can get to your place soon!!!

[NayWinter]

naywinter

 

how r u doing today? hope things are going well for you. i haven't seen much activity on your OP so hopefully that's a good sign and means that you're keeping busy with other stuff

 

well, i think i'm gonna be moving over to the coping section cause I've pretty much made up my mind about the future. now, i feel like i just need to get past the hurdle of NC. this weekend was bad. i went to a wedding and people kept telling it's the perfect opportunity to meet new people but it's hard to see other established couples so in love and i hate myself for thinking that should've been us. needless to say i kept busy last night and today all i can do is mope around at home and think about him. i know it's only been 2 weeks and a bit but i feel like it's been so long going through the pain. i need to know how others are dealing with this emotional loss, so maybe some good ideas will come out of the different threads there. hope you are doing well and i'm proud of you for being so strong, i only hope i can get to your place soon!!!

 

Well, I'm staying strong, but it's killing me. Last night I was coming home late, and guess who was waiting in the darkness for me? Yep, him. He tried to talk to me and I talked to him a little, but I couldn't be nice.

 

I ended up walking away from him while he was still talking because it just hurt too bad to see him.

 

I know what you mean about seeing other couples inlove and happy and thinking it should be you. I saw that just the other day in the store. I had to hold back the tears because it was so hard to see other people so happy and inlove, and I'm not anymore.

 

It's so hard to stay strong, but in the end we'll be better off for doing it. If we took them back we'd never see them the same way we once did, and even if we could get over that... we'd just get hurt again because going back would show them that they can do what they want and we'll put up with it.

 

But we won't! We're better than that and something good is going to come from each of our tragedies. It doesn't feel that way now, but I know some good will come out of this.

 

I'm always here when you want to talk. Hugs!

[samsungxoxo]

Well, I'm staying strong, but it's killing me. Last night I was coming home late, and guess who was waiting in the darkness for me? Yep, him. He tried to talk to me and I talked to him a little, but I couldn't be nice.

 

I ended up walking away from him while he was still talking because it just hurt too bad to see him.

Yeah stay strong and don't contact him. BTW... out of curiosity what did he tried to say? Did he sounded all apologetic? Not that it matters, it doesn't but I'm curious...

 

I'll never take back a cheating man if this ever happen to me....

[NayWinter]

Yeah stay strong and don't contact him. BTW... out of curiosity what did he tried to say? Did he sounded all apologetic? Not that it matters, it doesn't but I'm curious...

 

I'll never take back a cheating man if this ever happen to me....

 

Well he said that he was driving by my house because all he does is think of me, and yes, he was crying and trying to apologize. I'm not going to lie...It hurt me to walk away from him, but I had to for my own sanity. I listened to him long enough for him to tell me that he will never speak to the woman that was in his bed, because it's partiallly her fault.

 

She did tell me, " I knew you had keys and could walk in at any time", which to me came off as extremely smug. It was like she didn't care, or hoped I would walk in sometime and see her. So he supposedly hates her now.

 

As I was walking away he said " Wait I have something for you" I kept walking and said "keep it".

Edited October 3, 2010 by NayWinter

[elizabeth26]

I went through something very similar recently. My ex and I were high school sweethearts, we dated for almost 8 years. I was very frustrated that he would not commit to me and one day I just broke down and cried and asked him why I wasn't good enough to marry. He consoled me and reassured me that he was planning to marry me, he said we could get married that weekend if I wanted. I told him he was offering that because he knew I wouldn't take it, it was a cop out. He acted strange the next few months, he would work non-stop and not want to do anything with me or his friends. Then after a small fight he broke up with me saying me and him were like his aunt and uncle, we were not good for each other, 'I was just too good for him'. His best friend, a good friend of mine also called to check on me the week after our breakup. Then when I was moving out of our place he came to me, acting strange and asked if I was ok. I did not know how to react. He was acting more kind and attentive than he had in months. Then he told me it was not me it was him, he was selfish and he wanted what he wanted. He had someone else, his best friends little sister. I congratulated him on finding love and let him leave, I really thought I was going to be ok, I called his friend and asked him if he knew, he said he had a 'suspicion'. I've been through major psychological difficulties through this horrible series of events, it feels like your life is thrown into pieces and you have no control in your life anymore. He is still with this girl who was a friend of mine and I have to see them together sometimes, it still brings out a ferocious anger I never thought I was capable of. I can't describe my emotional state most days, it feels like I go back and forth between extremes. It's been about 5 months I still think about it everyday and it feels like it may destroy my life and current relationship. I feel for you and wish I could tell you it will get easier soon but it will probably take a lot of time and maybe counseling, I'm considering going to see a therapist to get my mind straightened out. I feel like I am just passing time, not living. I feel like I will always have abandonment issues and although I love the man I am seeing now, I feel like he could switch on me at a moments notice, he feels the need to reassure me at least once a week that he is not my ex, and he will never do what that guy has done to me.

[NayWinter]

I went through something very similar recently. My ex and I were high school sweethearts, we dated for almost 8 years. I was very frustrated that he would not commit to me and one day I just broke down and cried and asked him why I wasn't good enough to marry. He consoled me and reassured me that he was planning to marry me, he said we could get married that weekend if I wanted. I told him he was offering that because he knew I wouldn't take it, it was a cop out. He acted strange the next few months, he would work non-stop and not want to do anything with me or his friends. Then after a small fight he broke up with me saying me and him were like his aunt and uncle, we were not good for each other, 'I was just too good for him'. His best friend, a good friend of mine also called to check on me the week after our breakup. Then when I was moving out of our place he came to me, acting strange and asked if I was ok. I did not know how to react. He was acting more kind and attentive than he had in months. Then he told me it was not me it was him, he was selfish and he wanted what he wanted. He had someone else, his best friends little sister. I congratulated him on finding love and let him leave, I really thought I was going to be ok, I called his friend and asked him if he knew, he said he had a 'suspicion'. I've been through major psychological difficulties through this horrible series of events, it feels like your life is thrown into pieces and you have no control in your life anymore. He is still with this girl who was a friend of mine and I have to see them together sometimes, it still brings out a ferocious anger I never thought I was capable of. I can't describe my emotional state most days, it feels like I go back and forth between extremes. It's been about 5 months I still think about it everyday and it feels like it may destroy my life and current relationship. I feel for you and wish I could tell you it will get easier soon but it will probably take a lot of time and maybe counseling, I'm considering going to see a therapist to get my mind straightened out. I feel like I am just passing time, not living. I feel like I will always have abandonment issues and although I love the man I am seeing now, I feel like he could switch on me at a moments notice, he feels the need to reassure me at least once a week that he is not my ex, and he will never do what that guy has done to me.

 

Oh geez. What you went through is terrible. I'm so sorry. I'm happy to hear that you found love again though. I went through a break up (not my recent one) several years ago, and it took me a year to really begin to recover. I hope it doesn't take you that long. I know it's hard, OP, myself and plenty of others on LS are going through the same emotions with you. You're not alone.

 

Hopefully posting here has given you some help, and even some hope for the future. I know the great people on here have helped me out so much that I give them most of the credit for handling my situation the way I have been.

 

I wish you the very best of luck.

[bittermelon]

'I was just too good for him'.

 

 

Really? I've come to think of this line as equally useless and pathetic as the "it's not you, it's me" line that guys like to randomly throw out. You're too good for me and I don't deserve that? Don't people want the best that they can get? Is there a difference between being "good enough and 'too good' "? I'd like to know.

 

Sorry to hear about your crummy situation. Like myself and naywinter, you've obviously invested a lot of time in a relationship with someone who turned out to be a total scum. BUT I am very happy to hear that you're involved with someone else now and it's going well. I understand you saying that it's hard to trust the next person but hopefully with time you'll come to realize that he's not your ex and just because one person blindsided you doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life living in suspicion.

 

Naywinter, I'm SO proud of you for walking away!!! It's HARD! I know because yesterday evening I actually bumped into my ex at the drugstore (serious coincidence) and he was happy to see me even though we had a horrible breakup. I have to be honest, my heart wanted to just hug him and it took every ounce of strength I had to look nonchalent and play indifference when he tried to make small talk with me. It worked because he ended up texting me all evening, said "love you". Ha, did he think that when the other girl was in his bed? Then today, he had the nerve to text me as a joke that he was coming by to get me. Needless to say, I never let it happen, but it RUINED MY EVENING! hearing from him is worse than not hearing from him because now he's like a bad song that won't leave my head. Well, I learned my lesson the hard way today.

 

Next time I see him, I'm not going to walk, I'm going to RUN the other way. Stay strong - you are one tough girl and I will continue to follow your posts and be inspired by your strength. Hope all is well with you today ! ((hugs)))

 

by the way, he's no longer friends with the girl now? really though, how is it partially her fault? i feel like he's placing blame on you, blame on her, when really, it all lies with him. if he hadn't let her sleep over there in the first place, all of this could've been avoided!!!!! unless she stormed in and tied herself to his bed and called you over and he was under some kind of mind control at that time and couldn't control his own actions, the fault lies in HIM! Okay, I'm sure she was a homewrecker who was up to no good as well but seriously, men need to start taking ownership for their own behaviors.

[samsungxoxo]

How about telling him something like this ''If you keep on trying to contact me or visit me, I'll file stalking charges on you''. Do so if he doesn't listen.

[NayWinter]

How about telling him something like this ''If you keep on trying to contact me or visit me, I'll file stalking charges on you''. Do so if he doesn't listen.

 

I did tell him that, and his response was "go ahead, it's a public street". His ego is the size of the universe.

[bittermelon]

His ego is the size of the universe.

 

thanks for the laugh on an otherwise miserable evening