Breezy Trousers Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I have been married to a great guy for 18 years, but he has been unfaithful twice -- last time was in 2001. We've recovered and have been happy. However, I never understood the temptation to have an affair until a very powerful, attractive man at my workplace began coming on to me at the workplace two years ago. (Curiously, when I first met him and before he began "signaling," I remember telling a co-worker that he scared me! She laughed!) I'm attractive but no sex kitten. I was in my mid-forties and quite married. I couldn't figure how why this man was coming on to me. It was quite flattering to have his attention! However, I knew it was wrong and struggled HARD with this attraction for two years. Because I didn't work directly with him, I was able to physically remove myself from his vicinity while I dealt with the inner turmoil. I even confessed to my husband, who was quite understanding. I told him I was happy, just a little bored! Aging and dealing with the hurt of past infidelity probably affected me, too. Not to mention childhood issues (more on that later). And the fact that a powerful, sexy man found me attractive.... At the same time, my best friend began an affair with a powerful man at HER workplace. She encouraged me to "jump in! the water's fine!" So I came to this website to read the various views on this subject so I could untangle the mess in my soul. What a help all of you are! Every viewpoint is necessary .... Reading Susan Cheever's book on desire also helped. Eventually, within 2 years, the fog of my attraction slowly began to lift. I began to see direct evidence of my first unsettling, vague intuition -- that this man, as successful as he is, has serious psychological problems that are not evident to most people. (I grew up in an abusive family, so I think this is why I was so quickly attuned to this when I first met him. It's also probably why I struggled with an attraction to him.) I suspect that he was probably more attracted to my intense vulnerability when we first met, not me. As this I began "waking up," I think this man sensed it? (He has an uncanny intuition, it seems.) He began acting inappropriately enraged toward me for (politely) ignoring him. Just crazy, borderline/psycho behavior. He also demonstrated how manipulative he was. For example, he would cheerily say "good morning" to a group of cp-workers standing near me, safely pass them, and then throw his head back and shoot the most threatening, vile private look at me .... At one point, I became fearful his inappropriate behavior would escalate and called the Domestic Violence hot line for assistance! Fortunately, his acting out peaked for a week and then stopped. Interesting, my girlfriend's affair crashed and burned around this time. We supported each other. Since then, I've withdrawn my energy from this. I can't imagine what might have happened if I became involved with this guy! I privately wonder about his wife's safety, though I realize this is not my business. I do think that if I had an affair with this man, I would have unwittingly allowed him to use me to abuse his wife .. and me! I think he may have deep rage toward women. That's how I see it now. I didn't see it that way in the beginning, though -- too clouded by lust and flattery! I think I took my marriage for granted. I no longer do. I realize what a great guy I have. In fact, I learned so much though this two-year experience that I regret I can't write this powerful man a thank-you card. Oh well. Anyway, infidelity is a complex subject. I've toured closely on both sides of the fence. I'm no longer judgmental on the topic as I was in 1992, before I married. I guess if I have anything to say on the subject, it would be this: If you're tempted to have an affair, I understand. It happens. I just encourage you to read about personality disorders/abuse to see if there might be a connection to your own experience and attraction. For some people out there, infidelity is about power, not love. Most people who are unfaithful do not have personality disorders or are abusive, but for the few who are, know that serial infidelity is often a red-flag pattern. I recommend reading books by Sandra Brown (Dangerous Men, Women Who Love Psychopaths) before testing the waters. Pay attention to your gut instincts, even if it seems crazy. Your gut never lies and is trying to protect you. Be safe.
woddah Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I agree with this. I had never even heard of a personality disorder until it came up with my exAP and she said her T said she may be borderline and blew it off as nothing. I didn't think much of it until a few weeks later when I was trying to figure out what was going on with her. I looked it up, and every description/story was so familiar. It's like they all have the same playbook/script! Glad it came up, knowing what I know now, I'm glad I got out when I did and had the strength to get out of the combined affair/bpd FOG. You think the affair fog alone is bad!
skywriter Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 What a brilliant post, thank you for sharing breezy. ...and yes, I agree with paying attention to your gut. I ignored mine and regret it to this day. I've learned to pay attention to my gut and the voice in my head that knew better, yet I was selfish enough to ignore. You are a very wise woman and your H is very lucky to have you in his life as I'm sure he already realises this. So glad you were smart enough to step back and gain proper perspective of what was happening. Best wishes!
Mimolicious Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Thank you for sharing this Breezy! There are a bunch of wacko's out there looking like Mr./Mrs. Lovely. I am glad that you recognized the signs and saved yourself from destruction. Be blessed.
freestyle Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 This was an absolutely excellent post, Breezy. Kudos to you, for having the insight to look deeply into the psychology of what was starting to happen--both in him, and yourself. From everything I have read, people who grow up in an abusive environment are very likely to attract abusive, disordered people. And some of the worst abusers are those who are adept at maintaining an appearance of "normalcy". I'm glad you dodged that bullet.............
Author Breezy Trousers Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 Thanks, everyone! I'm sorry that a couple of you have been hurt this way. If I've learned anything, it's how vulnerable we can all be to this sort of thing. (I used to swear I would never be tempted in this way. I felt I was too moral. Well, not so! I could say that with such confidence only because I had never had a stand-off with temptation before. Now I know better.) Some people can sense vulnerability and will try to feed off of it. It is, indeed, as though these sorts have a playbook in common. I didn't know any of that two years ago, though. I felt like a princess. And I WAS in a fairytale, lol. Thanks to listening to your experiences and reading lots of authors, I was saved from derailing a 20+ year relationship (and a new job) for someone unsafe, manipulative and, as it turns out, without much empathy. And my marriage is deeper for having gone through this experience. Gratitude is sweet.
OpenBook Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 infidelity is a complex subject... I'm no longer judgmental on the topic as I was in 1992, before I married... If you're tempted to have an affair, I understand. It happens. Thank you for saying this. When BS's come into this OM/OW forum and claim their moral superiority ("I would NEVER do such a low thing as cheat") I don't think they realize how wrong they are, or understand/acknowledge what it really means to be human. And hats off to you for resisting that potential affair for the better part of 2 years! That is a mighty long time to continually turn away from it, especially after what you've been through with your own H ("what's good for the goose" and all that). I suspect that he was probably more attracted to my intense vulnerability when we first met, not me... He began acting inappropriately enraged toward me for (politely) ignoring him. Just crazy, borderline/psycho behavior. He also demonstrated how manipulative he was... I think he may have deep rage toward women... For some people out there, infidelity is about power, not love. Interesting take on infidelity. There has to be some amount of manipulation and narcissism involved when a MM cheats; it's in the very nature of the beast/act. And his attraction to your vulnerability - I wonder how often that is a factor in the initiation of affairs in general. I bet it's a lot. I learned so much though this two-year experience that I regret I can't write this powerful man a thank-you card. Oh well. :lmao: I would give good money to see his reaction to that... but only if his W was far far away from him when he read it. Pay attention to your gut instincts, even if it seems crazy. Your gut never lies and is trying to protect you. Best advice ever... in all situations!! :bunny:
unspokenwords Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Thank you for saying this. When BS's come into this OM/OW forum and claim their moral superiority ("I would NEVER do such a low thing as cheat") I don't think they realize how wrong they are, or understand/acknowledge what it really means to be human. Think this is such a good sentiment. We are all human with all the inherent weaknesses that brings. Breezy Trousers you have shown great strength and have succeeded through your honesty and willingness to acknowledge and deal with the realities of your situation. Hats off to you.
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