Pregnant with ex baby.

[luvlyglee]

I was with my ex for 7 years. I'm now about 2 months pregnant, but we are no longer together and I don't want to reconcile with him. He treated me really badly while we were together...he lied, cheated, hit me, isolated me from my friends and family, and emptied my bank account. He has been on vacation for about a month now and hasn't contacted me since I told him I was pregnant. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my family, cause they would just tell me to abort it. I don't want a child now and am not financially stable to care for a child. I really don't want to have a child with my ex. He is a bad man, coward, and *******. I need to make a decision soon.

[Billie The Puppet]

It sounds like to me, you, your ex (by not responding), and your family have made your decision.

 

There is a thread in coping where one talks about not being 100% on her choice after she aborted. Make sure you are in it 100 % if you decide to go with this method or consider other options like giving up for adoption.

 

I have had pregnancy scare when I was with my ex as I don't think we were financially ready but her having to have already gone with an abortion from her past I wouldn't put her through it again. I would have manned up and fathered the child.

[Caradavine]

I've been battling infertility for years. I had lost four babies by June of 2009. I just beat back a bout of uterine cancer, and was getting ready for in-vitro fertilization and marriage when my ex just walked out on me. I wish I was pregnant with his baby because I told him from the get-go that if it didn't work out I just wanted him to be a donor or something so I could have our child (at least I would have a piece of our life together if nothing else). I wouldn't even need him to remain in the child's life, although I hope he would be man enough to be involved in some part. Now, I'm looking at only two years left of viable eggs and nothing to do with them. If I was in your shoes, I would keep the baby. However, my past and experiences are not the same as yours. If you are not financially able to care for the baby or just don't want to - I want to encourage that you consider adoption before abortion because there are people out there like me who want children so badly and can give them good, loving homes. I am not judging or doing any form of advocacy, mind you, I am just speaking from a wounded heart that aches for the baby I was supposed to have.

[Enema]

You should abort it. There's no win here.

[sb129]

I've been battling infertility for years. I had lost four babies by June of 2009. I just beat back a bout of uterine cancer, and was getting ready for in-vitro fertilization and marriage when my ex just walked out on me. I wish I was pregnant with his baby because I told him from the get-go that if it didn't work out I just wanted him to be a donor or something so I could have our child (at least I would have a piece of our life together if nothing else). I wouldn't even need him to remain in the child's life, although I hope he would be man enough to be involved in some part. Now, I'm looking at only two years left of viable eggs and nothing to do with them. If I was in your shoes, I would keep the baby. However, my past and experiences are not the same as yours. If you are not financially able to care for the baby or just don't want to - I want to encourage that you consider adoption before abortion because there are people out there like me who want children so badly and can give them good, loving homes. I am not judging or doing any form of advocacy, mind you, I am just speaking from a wounded heart that aches for the baby I was supposed to have.

 

I am really sorry to hear about your infertility.

 

However I do have some sympathy for your ex- it sounds like all he was to you was a source of sperm, and if thats how he felt, no wonder he walked out. You put your need for having a child before him.

 

As for adoption- if I found myself to be in a situation where having a baby wasn't a viable option for me, there is NO WAY I would go through the ten months of discomfort and physical sacrifice that is pregnancy and the pain of childbirth just to give away your child at the end of it.

I would much much rather deal with the problem while it is simply a collection of cells, before it changed my body and my heart forever.

 

I think adoption is a potentially painful messy minefield.

I saw that movie "Mother and Child" recently and it broke my heart seeing all the raw pain and heartache that can be caused by adoption.

 

I am sorry if this sounds callous- but infertility is your bodys way of saying you aren't "meant" to have a baby.

[threebyfate]

I'm not sure you have a decision to make. Abort.

[Caradavine]

Well, that was certainly not nice, but you are entitled to your own opinion. Maybe you should read my previous posts about my relationship to him before you go handing out sh**ty opinions. He means everything to me, and I don't have to prove it to you, so that is all I'm saying. Telling me infertility is God's way of telling me I'm not meant to have a child, well, **** you, buddy. I guess losing four children was something I deserved, too. What an **s.

[Billie The Puppet]

Well, that was certainly not nice, but you are entitled to your own opinion. Maybe you should read my previous posts about my relationship to him before you go handing out sh**ty opinions. He means everything to me, and I don't have to prove it to you, so that is all I'm saying. Telling me infertility is God's way of telling me I'm not meant to have a child, well, **** you, buddy. I guess losing four children was something I deserved, too. What an **s.

 

I have read you post from what I can remember you and the ex had agreed he would still try to impregnate you but he then decided against it. It is fair for him to make that decision as technically it could place him in a really awkward scenario somewhere down the line. He has every right to make that decision even if it goes against something you and he talked about. It would be unfair to make him a father to a child he doesn't want at this time in his life.

 

Do you not have other options? Sperm Banks etc?

[Caradavine]

I most certainly would not force it on him, and there are other options. I can still mourn his choice and still want it, though, and that is what I'm not understanding here. Why am I being persecuted for wanting to have children with the man I love? Just because he said no and won't do it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that I can't talk about it, so I would like people to be a little more understanding if possible. I already have a plan B and I've had it all along, even when he did agree to doing this. It is a sperm bank and I have researched everything. However, when the man you love (and who inspired you to want children) says he still wants marriage and a family with you, even when broken up, well, it does make the situation a little more confusing. I will not put up with people labeling me as what I'm not. I am not using him and I told him I'd wait to have children until he was ready, too. That doesn't mean I don't have a right to still want them and still be heartbroken about the future we had in the works when he left. I am not sure how everyone is getting on my back about this; it is completely normal to want children with the man you love and it is also normal to just want children. I happen to only want his and now am dealing with the possibility that won't happen. Thanks for freaking caring, and forgive me for even trying to just give her a viewpoint that she might not have considered. Man!

[Billie The Puppet]

I most certainly would not force it on him, and there are other options. I can still mourn his choice and still want it, though, and that is what I'm not understanding here. Why am I being persecuted for wanting to have children with the man I love? Just because he said no and won't do it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that I can't talk about it, so I would like people to be a little more understanding if possible. I already have a plan B and I've had it all along, even when he did agree to doing this. It is a sperm bank and I have researched everything. However, when the man you love (and who inspired you to want children) says he still wants marriage and a family with you, even when broken up, well, it does make the situation a little more confusing. I will not put up with people labeling me as what I'm not. I am not using him and I told him I'd wait to have children until he was ready, too. That doesn't mean I don't have a right to still want them and still be heartbroken about the future we had in the works when he left. I am not sure how everyone is getting on my back about this; it is completely normal to want children with the man you love and it is also normal to just want children. I happen to only want his and now am dealing with the possibility that won't happen. Thanks for freaking caring, and forgive me for even trying to just give her a viewpoint that she might not have considered. Man!

 

I'm not persecuting you, you are allowed to want to have a child with the man you love. Just as you are allowed to be mad for him leaving/ changing his decision but as long as you understand he has every right to do such a thing.

 

It's like I want my ex back and her to be my mother of my children but seeing she has left me it's her every right to do so.

 

I can go further and say I feel your pain but as the opposite sex I can see it being harder on you. My ex and I split a literally after discussing marriage and kids we went engagement ring shopping (thankfully I didn't buy). It was a month later to what I can't help but think I blew things as I became insecure.

Edited September 22, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[Caradavine]

Well, in case it was not obvious in my other posts, I respect his right to his choice. However, I do not know what his choice really is, either, because he said as recent as yesterday that he wants us to have children. I respect that he doesn't want them right now, but all of my words in this dang topic have been from the place of sorrow because I am a bit impatient about the whole thing (sue me!). I've lost so many, and each of them was a chance to hold what we were supposed to create the 30th of this month. I was getting married the 15th of this month and we were getting prepared to start a family on the 30th. It's still that month. So, yes, I respect his rights, but I fail to see why that is so important when this is supposed to be a forum of support in a time of pain and trying to cope.

[Billie The Puppet]

Well, in case it was not obvious in my other posts, I respect his right to his choice. However, I do not know what his choice really is, either, because he said as recent as yesterday that he wants us to have children. I respect that he doesn't want them right now, but all of my words in this dang topic have been from the place of sorrow because I am a bit impatient about the whole thing (sue me!). I've lost so many, and each of them was a chance to hold what we were supposed to create the 30th of this month. I was getting married the 15th of this month and we were getting prepared to start a family on the 30th. It's still that month. So, yes, I respect his rights, but I fail to see why that is so important when this is supposed to be a forum of support in a time of pain and trying to cope.

 

I feel you there too, My ex and I wanted to start a family, she wants them before a certain age limit . I like your ex don't want them right now, Only because we are living at home still apart from each other and are not financially ready. All other ways such as emotionally and physically ready I am. I would rather be out of the parents home but she seems like she doesn't care and wants them without being ready. The 15th of this month must have been so hard on you. It's like the days I planned to propose for me (Aug 7th) the day before her birthday was my plan that day I flew out of town because I couldn't do what I had planned as she split with me weeks earlier.

 

The sad thing is because of this break up I am reaching the other area's that would make me able to achieve the children just after her time limit she opposed on me, My credit score has skyrocketed in the months since she has left (well build up from when we were together but it wasn't until she left I got the news), job opportunities have arisen and could potentially get me into an income bracket that I could afford a mortgage for a home. *Though we would have to stick it out a few years renting as I need that income on my taxes to be leveled for 3 years* I can't tell her this now though because it would come across as buy my love sort of thing.

 

In case you are wondering our ages are 26(her) and 25(1) and we both are still at home, Me actually being mostly cause my Heritage/Stupidity in my earlier years blowing money and her for financial reasons.

[TaraMaiden]

I was with my ex for 7 years. I'm now about 2 months pregnant, but we are no longer together and I don't want to reconcile with him. He treated me really badly while we were together...he lied, cheated, hit me, isolated me from my friends and family, and emptied my bank account. He has been on vacation for about a month now and hasn't contacted me since I told him I was pregnant. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my family, cause they would just tell me to abort it. I don't want a child now and am not financially stable to care for a child. I really don't want to have a child with my ex. He is a bad man, coward, and *******. I need to make a decision soon.

 

What is your heart truly telling you that you should do?

 

Hold that thought a moment...

 

Your mind should have precedence....

 

You have split for the man for all the positive, right, and understandable reasons, absolutely.

You're carrying a child which, by the sound of it, will become an emotional, financial, psychological and physical burden for you to probably handle for the greatest part, on your own.

You cannot afford another person in your life, one who will always be dependent on you, for everything.

This child will be a constant reminder of your ex-.

Being his child, it will also have some of the characteristics, so you will be looking for similarities, even though you will be responsible for moulding its character, morals, outlook, conditioning and temperament.

 

Currently - apart from the fact that this is a human life you are developing, and there are strong arguments both for and against the mere notion of abortion - you also have a responsibility to your physical self and well-being.

 

My primary advice now would be to get some professional counselling and consider the option of adoption.

One of my dearest friends was adopted as a baby. I would hate to think she might not have made it, if her mother had made a different decision.

The child you carry might well be the answer to a childless person's dreams.

 

However, it's a lot to ask a person, to carry a child for ten months, and then separate from it at birth.

How strong do you think you could be?

Is this something you might be able to do?

Nowadays, you can leave specific instructions or conditions with the Adoption agencies so that you are locatable in time, if your child wants to connect with you in future.

How would that feel?

Would you like your child to do that, if you decided to go through with the pregnancy?

 

Would you rather just have done with it, and get rid of the situation as quickly as possible?

Do you want to get back to your normal life and forget this ever happened?

 

You don't say how old you are, but is your age a determining factor?

Consider also the permutations of your actions, with regard to meeting a future partner....

 

I am not going to try to persuade you to do anything. I've merely put down some factors you might like to consider.

 

But this I really would, seriously, advise very strongly:

 

Find someone through your doctor, to speak with professionally. You need counselling, and you don't have to do this alone.

[sb129]

Nice post TM.

 

Non judgemental.

 

Personally- I couldn't go through all that and adopt. I would rather terminate.

 

However I have never been in this situation.

[JamesM]

But this I really would, seriously, advise very strongly:

 

Find someone through your doctor, to speak with professionally. You need counselling, and you don't have to do this alone.

 

 

Well said. (Your whole post was good).

 

This I can say...making a decision based on what others think will lead to anger and resentment build up in you if you decide later that you really had no say in the matter.

 

We all have viewpoints about abortion, and you have received advice from some with opposing ones, but this is your decision. I don't think anyone of us can or should simply say "Abort" with what we have read in the brief post you have given us. Not saying that this isn't a possible choice, but I think a quick decision is not going to be a good one in this case.

 

IMO, do not forget that this is a life inside of you. What you do determines whether this life continues. Making a choice without being completely comfortable with your decision will lead to questions down the road.

[luvlyglee]

Thanks for your response. I've have thought through many of the scenarios you mentioned. I'm 26 and would love to be a mother in my future but I don't want to have my ex's baby. I don't think adoption would be sensible in my situation because I know my ex is avoiding me cause he wants me to make the decision and have me suffer the consequences. He is too much of a coward to demand that I have an abortion for fear of me using it against him if I am to keep the baby. Moreover, if I were to have the child I know he would fight me on having he/she adopted. He is a spiteful man. Also, he and his family have a history of mental health problems (schizophrenia, bio polar) and I'm afraid that my baby would inherit those problems. I made excuses for his poor behavior for seven years because I felt a lot of his actions were a product of his mental illness but I'm reluctant to bring a child to this world knowing that he/she may have those issues. My educational background is in psychology and child development and have been fortunate to work with children with varies psychological, social, and physical disabilities but having this experience also makes me well aware of how difficult it is to parent such children. Another issue is that my family is very conservative and would not support me through this pregnancy. I just feel like I've lost so much being with this horrible man, I simply can't lose my family as well. I have only recently been able to mend the strained relationship with my family. I have this tremendous guilt about wanting to have an abortion and am ashamed. I am not financially able to support a child, but I am well educated and currently finishing grad school. I feel guilt because although I would struggle to care for a child now, I know in time I would find the means to care for him/her in the future. I'm lost...I feel like my hatred for my ex is clouding my judgement.

[Caradavine]

luvlyglee:

 

((Hugs)). You will do what is right for you, and that is what matters. I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to have his baby, and that would be such a difficult thing to decide given those circumstances. You are a good person, don't forget that, whatever you decide. Make sure you keep reaching out, too.

[Caradavine]

What is your heart truly telling you that you should do?

 

Hold that thought a moment...

 

Your mind should have precedence....

 

You have split for the man for all the positive, right, and understandable reasons, absolutely.

You're carrying a child which, by the sound of it, will become an emotional, financial, psychological and physical burden for you to probably handle for the greatest part, on your own.

You cannot afford another person in your life, one who will always be dependent on you, for everything.

This child will be a constant reminder of your ex-.

Being his child, it will also have some of the characteristics, so you will be looking for similarities, even though you will be responsible for moulding its character, morals, outlook, conditioning and temperament.

 

Currently - apart from the fact that this is a human life you are developing, and there are strong arguments both for and against the mere notion of abortion - you also have a responsibility to your physical self and well-being.

 

My primary advice now would be to get some professional counselling and consider the option of adoption.

One of my dearest friends was adopted as a baby. I would hate to think she might not have made it, if her mother had made a different decision.

The child you carry might well be the answer to a childless person's dreams.

 

However, it's a lot to ask a person, to carry a child for ten months, and then separate from it at birth.

How strong do you think you could be?

Is this something you might be able to do?

Nowadays, you can leave specific instructions or conditions with the Adoption agencies so that you are locatable in time, if your child wants to connect with you in future.

How would that feel?

Would you like your child to do that, if you decided to go through with the pregnancy?

 

Would you rather just have done with it, and get rid of the situation as quickly as possible?

Do you want to get back to your normal life and forget this ever happened?

 

You don't say how old you are, but is your age a determining factor?

Consider also the permutations of your actions, with regard to meeting a future partner....

 

I am not going to try to persuade you to do anything. I've merely put down some factors you might like to consider.

 

But this I really would, seriously, advise very strongly:

 

Find someone through your doctor, to speak with professionally. You need counselling, and you don't have to do this alone.

 

I would heed TM's words, too, luvlyglee. I think counseling would be the first step because it is a form of mediation with your feelings in the company of an objective party.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for your response. I've have thought through many of the scenarios you mentioned. I'm 26 and would love to be a mother in my future but I don't want to have my ex's baby. I don't think adoption would be sensible in my situation because I know my ex is avoiding me cause he wants me to make the decision and have me suffer the consequences. He is too much of a coward to demand that I have an abortion for fear of me using it against him if I am to keep the baby. Moreover, if I were to have the child I know he would fight me on having he/she adopted. He is a spiteful man. Also, he and his family have a history of mental health problems (schizophrenia, bio polar) and I'm afraid that my baby would inherit those problems. I made excuses for his poor behavior for seven years because I felt a lot of his actions were a product of his mental illness but I'm reluctant to bring a child to this world knowing that he/she may have those issues. My educational background is in psychology and child development and have been fortunate to work with children with varies psychological, social, and physical disabilities but having this experience also makes me well aware of how difficult it is to parent such children. Another issue is that my family is very conservative and would not support me through this pregnancy. I just feel like I've lost so much being with this horrible man, I simply can't lose my family as well. I have only recently been able to mend the strained relationship with my family. I have this tremendous guilt about wanting to have an abortion and am ashamed. I am not financially able to support a child, but I am well educated and currently finishing grad school. I feel guilt because although I would struggle to care for a child now, I know in time I would find the means to care for him/her in the future. I'm lost...I feel like my hatred for my ex is clouding my judgement.

 

You don't have to put who the father is on the birth certificate.

And if you're not married, he has no say in what you decide to do with your child, regarding adoption.

 

Look, Speak with your Doctor - or any clinic which specialises in pregnancy and all the connotations - because it's all private and confidential.

They will offer you considered, professional and medical support, which will be unbiased and completely non-judgemental.

You need some kind of support network, because this really is too much for you to handle on your own, you really shouldn't have to....

 

But please - whatever you decide to do - don't carry any guilt. It's not good for you and will simply drain you.

Whatever you do, you know you will do because you've put a lot of thought into it, and you haven't taken any decision lightly. Whatever you decide to do, will be right for you - because it will be.

 

If others 'beat you up' about it, you don't need the addition of "you" doing that to yourself as well...

 

Ask yourself this:

If your best friend came to you with this very problem, what would you say to her? How would you counsel and comfort her? how good, kind and considerate would you be to her?

 

Then be these things to yourself.

 

((hugs))