Everyone going through a break up should read this. A penny for your thoughts.

[durkadurka]

Please bear with me, this post has taken a lot of time to write, it's probably not as well organized as it could be but it has taken me a long time to put my words to paper (so to speak).

 

I'm using myself as an example, but please, just put yourself in my shoes and you will see the similarities. If you want to skip to the important stuff, go right to PART 3.

 

I'm going to follow up my last large thread with the follow up of what I've discovered, in terms of how we decieve ourselves and the need to break off relationships instead of trying to salvage them.

 

The story of how we broke up isn't really important anymore. The fact is that we did.

 

It was also the right choice. I held it against her when she said that moving home was the right decision for her. It was a mean thing to say, but I have come to agree with it.

 

Part 1: Assessing the Raw Facts of Your Relationship

 

Here are some undisputable facts:

1) I could not and would not move to where she is now. Because she is in a foreign country, I could only stay down there through 2 methods.

a) Get married, which, given the state of deterioration of the relationship would be akin to having a baby to keep a marraige together. This despite the fact she still said she saw herself getting married with me a week before we broke up.

b) I become a student down there. I cannot afford foreign tuition.

1a) She is only down there to try and fix this business her dad works for that is on the verge of bankruptcy. If that does not work, she will move somewhere else. To leave would mean quitting my job, quit school, and leave their friends and family on a complete gamble.

 

2) My ex could not decide what lifestyle she wanted to live. She is a very well travelled individual, who has not lived at home since she was 16. By her own admission her lifestyle she wanted to live was not compatible with many other people.

a) She could not decide if she wanted to settle down, or if she wanted to keep on travelling. I could never tell with her where she was going, I couldn't adapt to changing circumstances.

b) She would say she wanted kids, then got an IUD put in

so

she can't have kids for 5 years.

c) She would say she wanted to get married, but then would talk about how the lifestyle she wants is not compatible with getting married.

 

3) Her family is on the verge of financial oblivion. Over the course of our relationship my ex loaned her family amounts in the 5 figure range. I am very uncomfortable with the prospect of supporting her family. Her present situation is a testament to it.

 

I know this sounds tactless, but I come from a family where my dad has supported his sister and mother for 25 years, it's a situation I'm very uncomfortable with, at this moment in time.

 

It's like that line from the Godfather 'Everytime I think I'm out they pull me back in'

 

They have been doing this for years. If this works, she will be stuck in a city that she herself admits she doesn't see herself living in for the rest of her life. If it doesn't work, she will pick up and move again, indefinitely.

 

The other points have been sufficiently beaten to death.

 

She would always say that she would commit to an idea if I wanted to plan it out with her. The only problem is that she would accept what I wanted to do, sacrificing her own passions. She would feel like a dog on a leash, and that is not fair.

 

There were other issues such as my contract at work lasted until the end of August 2010, and that I needed to finish school.

 

 

 

 

Part 2: Post Break Up Holocaust - Not Everything is as it Appears.

 

I think Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars said it best 'It's a TRAP!'

 

Let me predicate what I am about to say with one line, because I want to be honest with everyone here. I wake up almost every day, not missing my girlfriend, rather, I miss my best friend. I miss having a companion to go on adventures with, someone who cares and listens. Do I regret what I did? Sure everything in life is a double edged sword.

 

Bait and Switch

 

A month and a half after leaving, she invited me down to visit.

 

I expected nothing.

 

She was excited to have me, excited for the things we would do. We had fun, lots of it. We could be care free, hang out, there was no pressure.

 

We just had fun, dinners out, six flags, playing with her little sister. It was perfection at its best. She even admitted I was the most attractive person she has ever dated, and that she really missed me. It is what it is.

 

But there was obvious tension, things weren't being said, it takes two to tango.

 

I did not talk much about our relationship other than to simply say that the issues that were present in our relationship before are still there. That I care about her, but that the foundation was all wrong and I need to fix myself before I can be in a relationship with her.

 

Shock!

 

A week or two after my return, I was surprised to find out she was seeing someone else, and as time has gone on all of the pieces have slowly come together, and the magic puzzle all started to make sense.

 

In hindsight I don't know what I was doing, it was a bad idea to go down because we had so much fun.

 

 

 

 

Part 3: Realization and why getting back together (right away) is a really bad idea.

When she called me that fateful day to tell me she was seeing someone else, she also said that I did not want to talk about our future.

 

Despite the fact that this was in error, I left her a 3 page note and I flew down to see her it really didn't matter what I said or did, I realized that me coming down there was not to get back together, it was some sort of inner justification so that she could say she did 'everything she could.'

 

Let me note some very basic things here:

 

 

1. If you have broken up with someone, and you guys are thinking of getting back together, you had better damned solved all your problems. Because if you haven't, and your partner has a chance to date someone better, you're hooped. It's better to break it off then come off as a whimpering idiot. You also have to suffer through the indignity of having been blatantly upgraded on.
   
2. A bad foundation is a bad foundation. It doesn't matter if you want to work it out, it needs to be rebuilt. It takes time apart to do that.
   

 

Signs were all there. Despite the fact we slept in the same bed, all the signs of resistance were there.

 

Most of us can recognize the signs of when to go in for the first kiss, well signs are also there for when there is resistance and someone has their guard up.

 

It manifested itself in different ways

 

 

• Idiosyncratic levels of intimacy, coldness vs. extreme warmth.
  
• Her saying that I came down here with the wrong expectations.
  
• Before we had sex, she wanted to know if I could have sex without being attached.
  
• The sex was not good.
  

From those points alone I could deduce the fact that she was either testing me (which I doubt), or that she was giving me every reason to not talk to her.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel that they can talk to you candidly? It takes two to tango. Relationships need a solid foundation. If you can't talk about the hard stuff, you have no place being in one.

 

When it really comes down to it, I didn't really have a chance. Look objectively at your own relationship, do you? If not, walk away for a bit. You can't fight through walls that people have put up, unless they want to take them down.

 

Long story short, you need to eject the baggage before you can get back together, otherwise it's the same old problem. Why would someone want back a mess they just got rid of? AMIRITE?

 

That spark, the fire, the light that you had will never be in someone's eyes again until that baggage you guys had is gone. This isn't going to happen by just trying to put it behind you.

 

You actually need to be a different person, with a different outlook on life.

 

Trust me when I say, sex doesn't just 'magically'become better, your relationship doesn't fix itself because you've pushed it out of your mind. Everyone needs a new slate.

I would have been wasting my time if I gave her some sort of commitment down there.

 

Getting back together is not necessarily doing yourself a favour, take advantage of what you can learn.

 

I'll edit this when I get home, I actually had some more concise points, this has gotten way to long.

Edited September 21, 2010 by durkadurka

[durkadurka]

By the way, I make no qualms about the fact that I miss my ex, I miss her a lot.

 

But to throw good money in after the bad is ****ing retarded.

[Ajax]

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where someone doesn't feel that they can talk to you candidly? It takes two to tango. Relationships need a solid foundation. If you can't talk about the hard stuff, you have no place being in one.

 

When it really comes down to it, I didn't really have a chance. Look objectively at your own relationship, do you? If not, walk away for a bit. You can't fight through walls that people have put up, unless they want to take them down.

 

 

Well I'm reluctantly going to agree with you. I opened up to my ex, but she couldn't open up to me. It probably wasn't my fault, and as much as I tried to work it out, I guess she just couldn't do it.

 

Yeah, I love her and want her back. But until she works her own stuff out, a relationship with her will be pretty obe sided.

[durkadurka]

Well I'm reluctantly going to agree with you. I opened up to my ex, but she couldn't open up to me. It probably wasn't my fault, and as much as I tried to work it out, I guess she just couldn't do it.

 

Yeah, I love her and want her back. But until she works her own stuff out, a relationship with her will be pretty obe sided.

 

Well there's two issues there.

 

1) Post relationships everyone has their guard up, so to talk candidly with another is next to impossible.

 

2) It's not just her stuff, you've gotta deal with your own stuff.

 

When you've broken up you don't deal with eachother's stuff together.

 

You deal with your ****. She deals with her ****.

 

Figure out the details later.