The parents on LS...

[BlackLovely]

One of my best friends is dating at 42 year old man. She is 23. I will not share my opinion on this, since it will take away from the post.

 

She has introduced this man to her parents, but has allowed them to believe that he is in his late twenties, since he looks very young.

 

I have told her that she needs to be an adult and own the age difference, instead of hiding it like a naughty child. I also adore her mother and I feel sad that the poor woman doesn't know the truth. However, it is not my secret to tell and I do not want to betray my friend.

 

What would the parents on LS, think of their adult child dating someone old enough to parent them, especially if the adult child still lives at home?

 

I would like a parent's perspective, since I am not a mother and therefore cannot truly relate to parental concerns. My guess is that when children grow up, parents struggle to renegotiate the relationship, since they are used to dealing with a child and not an independent adult. I have also observed that for some parents, including my own, letting go is very challenging and this can lead to controlling behavior i.e asking very personal questions or trying to make decisions for grown people.

[LisaLee]

I would be ok with the age difference. I would not be ok with the lying.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Its very hard to watch your "adult" children in a train wreck waiting to happen. I don't think its about not wanting to let go as much as it is "protecting your investment".

 

I would be very upset and unhappy if my daughter was dating a man our age. At 22 there isn't a lot I could do about it, but I would probably make it difficult for her. I would not want to be a part of something that I believed would be hurtful to her. Its not so much the 20 year age difference as it is the difference in stages in life. If she was 40 and chose to date a 60 year old, I would be much less concerned.

 

As far as letting go goes, I'm WAY ready for that little bird to begin life on her own outside of our nest. When I see her making mistakes that will affect her ability to have a comfortable life on her own then that bothers me badly because THAT is what I've spent every day of the last 22 years trying to help her accomplish.

[BlackLovely]

Its very hard to watch your "adult" children in a train wreck waiting to happen. I don't think its about not wanting to let go as much as it is "protecting your investment".

 

I would be very upset and unhappy if my daughter was dating a man our age. At 22 there isn't a lot I could do about it, but I would probably make it difficult for her. I would not want to be a part of something that I believed would be hurtful to her. Its not so much the 20 year age difference as it is the difference in stages in life. If she was 40 and chose to date a 60 year old, I would be much less concerned.

 

As far as letting go goes, I'm WAY ready for that little bird to begin life on her own outside of our nest. When I see her making mistakes that will affect her ability to have a comfortable life on her own then that bothers me badly because THAT is what I've spent every day of the last 22 years trying to help her accomplish.

 

I have spoken to my friend, about the different stages of life being a problem. This man is desperate to get married; it's all he talks about! My friend has told me that she isn't ready to be a married mother. I have also asked her to consider how she will feel, when he is in his fifties and she is a young thirtyish woman. The fact that my friend "tries not to think of" this aspect, shows me that she has her head in the clouds.

 

When I dated men that were much too old for me, my mother was NOT pleased. I completely understand why. However, my parents held on to me much too tightly, because I was the only girl. I had to leave when I was 21, because I felt suffocated by their oppressive values, such as much less freedom for female children and only dating like, 2 guys before I married. They wanted to force me to live like it was 1955.

[Tayla]

Naturally a respectable parent would want their adult children to choose wisely of the mate they date. The behavior and the morale of the tentative prospect is often a high consideration. Yes age plays a part and it would be silly to think otherwise...Not all ages comes maturity. Its a parents lifelong quest to know the adult child makes a positive choice and is content and well regarded by the mate. I agree with the previous poster, the concealment of the true nature of the relationship would be more hurtful then just the age factor. At some point a child must skin a knee or two to understand the down falls of their actions or decisions.

[threebyfate]

Were you at our party the other night?

 

My friends and I were chatting about substantial age-gap relationships and the potential for it impacting on our children's future. Most of us agreed that the old dude or beyond-cougar should be used as target practice for shot guns, one for each parent!

[SouthernSunshine]

It's not a big deal to me. When my kid is grown she can date whoever she wants as long as she's well, and happy! If she wanted to date a grandma, that's her business. My only complaint would be the lies. Yes, I hope she marries a great guy, and makes me a grandma one day.. but that's my wish for her life.

[BlackLovely]

Were you at our party the other night?

 

My friends and I were chatting about substantial age-gap relationships and the potential for it impacting on our children's future. Most of us agreed that the old dude or beyond-cougar should be used as target practice for shot guns, one for each parent!

I suspect that this is how I would feel if I were a mother.

[hotgurl]

I think it woyld depend on the age gap, and stage of life. Once thier are out of college and on thier own I think it wouldn't matter.

 

Not that I can say much anayways my husband is 19 years older than me.

 

My mom didn't like it but tough Sh$t it is my decision. After she got past the shock of the age difference and really go to know him and see how he treated me & my daughter she got over it.

 

Age is just a number.

[Green]

Its very hard to watch your "adult" children in a train wreck waiting to happen. I don't think its about not wanting to let go as much as it is "protecting your investment".

 

Relationships are about one thing SEXUAL ATTRACTION. Even and old guy like LARRY KING can be SEXY with MONEY and FAME.

 

The point is ATTRACTION controls. If you raise your kid right hopefuly they won't be attracted to the guy in the BIKER GANG.

 

But at 23 there isn't ANYTHING U CAN DO.

 

I would be very upset and unhappy if my daughter was dating a man our age. At 22 there isn't a lot I could do about it, but I would probably make it difficult for her. I would not want to be a part of something that I believed would be hurtful to her. Its not so much the 20 year age difference as it is the difference in stages in life. If she was 40 and chose to date a 60 year old, I would be much less concerned.

 

you do realize how crazy you sound. You'd be ok with 40 year old and 60 year old dating... thats like saying you'd be ok with bank of america and citi bank merging. YOU HAVE NO SAY!

 

 

 

Were you at our party the other night?

 

My friends and I were chatting about substantial age-gap relationships and the potential for it impacting on our children's future. Most of us agreed that the old dude or beyond-cougar should be used as target practice for shot guns, one for each parent!

 

I'd like to use parents who raise children who can't be trusted to make their own adult decisions as target practice.

 

I think it woyld depend on the age gap, and stage of life. Once thier are out of college and on thier own I think it wouldn't matter.

 

Not that I can say much anayways my husband is 19 years older than me.

 

My mom didn't like it but tough Sh$t it is my decision. After she got past the shock of the age difference and really go to know him and see how he treated me & my daughter she got over it.

 

Age is just a number.

 

Age is just a number and people seem to think that with out an age gap relationships just work out great... I really fail to see that.

[BlackLovely]

I think it woyld depend on the age gap, and stage of life. Once thier are out of college and on thier own I think it wouldn't matter.

 

Not that I can say much anayways my husband is 19 years older than me.

 

My mom didn't like it but tough Sh$t it is my decision. After she got past the shock of the age difference and really go to know him and see how he treated me & my daughter she got over it.

 

Age is just a number.

Age is only a number for couples, who manage the challenges that come with generational differences. Most people are realistic enough to know that sometimes the challenges outweigh the rewards. My fiance is 8 years older than me, but he cannot be my father.

[Green]

Age is only a number for couples, who manage the challenges that come with generational differences. Most people are realistic enough to know that sometimes the challenges outweigh the rewards. My fiance is 8 years older than me, but he cannot be my father.

 

Most people are realistic enough to realize that ATTRACTION controls relationships... unless you believe in arranged marriages and those often had HUGE age gaps.

[LoveAintEverything]

Whenever I hear a girl dating someone older then them to almost be their father, I almost feel that it has something to do with they did not have a good father in their life to begin with. I just think it is so wrong in so many ways..

[BlackLovely]

Whenever I hear a girl dating someone older then them to almost be their father, I almost feel that it has something to do with they did not have a good father in their life to begin with. I just think it is so wrong in so many ways..

I firmly believe this, since this is what I did myself. My friend does have issues with her father as well.

I just don't want to see her getting pressured into marriage, when she is not ready. This guy reminds me of 30 year old women, who are desperate to settle down.

She's simply too naive, to think of what the future may bring with such an old man.

What makes it worse is that I actually like this guy, aside from the obsession with marriage. He's attractive, intelligent and caring.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Relationships are about one thing SEXUAL ATTRACTION. Even and old guy like LARRY KING can be SEXY with MONEY and FAME.

 

The point is ATTRACTION controls. If you raise your kid right hopefuly they won't be attracted to the guy in the BIKER GANG.

 

But at 23 there isn't ANYTHING U CAN DO.

 

Or the manipulative midlife crisis male looking to have a fling with his daughter. But the question wasn't if there was something you can do, it was asking a parents perspective and what THEY think. Please show me where it asks what you could and can do? I do agree with you that a parent who doesn't support their college aged child has less control over their actions than those that do. Money also controls. And Larry King could NEVER be sexy, his money may be but not him!

 

 

 

you do realize how crazy you sound. You'd be ok with 40 year old and 60 year old dating... thats like saying you'd be ok with bank of america and citi bank merging. YOU HAVE NO SAY!

 

 

I would be less concerned because a 40 year old is old enough to understand the long term consequences of their decisions. I also have a right to be concerned if Citi Bank and Bank of America merge without sounding crazy but since I have investments in neither, I probably wouldn't. I never said I had a say! YOU sound like a frog that has been kissed by a young princess! I also said At 22 there isn't a lot I could do about it, but I would probably make it difficult for her./I] Since this is about a young adult who still lives at home and is presumably accepting some support from her parents.

 

 

I'd like to use parents who raise children who can't be trusted to make their own adult decisions as target practice. ummm... who sounds crazy???

 

 

 

Age is just a number and people seem to think that with out an age gap relationships just work out great... I really fail to see that.

Who said that without an age gap relationships work out perfect?

 

You might want to reread the OP, at no time did it ask what a parent would/could do under the circumstances, it asked how they would feel.

 

What would the parents on LS, think of their adult child dating someone old enough to parent them, especially if the adult child still lives at home?

 

I would like a parent's perspective, since I am not a mother and therefore cannot truly relate to parental concerns.

[BlackLovely]

You might want to reread the OP, at no time did it ask what a parent would/could do under the circumstances, it asked how they would feel.

 

What would the parents on LS, think of their adult child dating someone old enough to parent them, especially if the adult child still lives at home?

 

I would like a parent's perspective, since I am not a mother and therefore cannot truly relate to parental concerns.

Easy mama. Don't let other posters upset you, especially when what they are posting is simply to obtain a reaction.

[turnera]

Whenever I hear a girl dating someone older then them to almost be their father, I almost feel that it has something to do with they did not have a good father in their life to begin with. I just think it is so wrong in so many ways..

My thoughts, too.

[threebyfate]

I suspect that this is how I would feel if I were a mother.

I look at his precious little face right now and can't imagine him being hurt by predatory individuals.

[Green]

I look at his precious little face right now and can't imagine him being hurt by predatory individuals.

 

wait till he is 23

[sb129]

I have a daughter.

 

She is nearly 1, so a bit early to be worrying about her dating just yet.

 

Of course I want the best for her- I want her to grow up happy and healthy and for her to have rich life experiences.

 

I don't want her to be hurt or sad- chances are she may be at times.

 

I can't live her life for her, or make her choices for her. If she started dating a person twice her age, if he treated her well and loved her, then I would try to accept it.

I would rather she ended up with a 40 year old gentleman than a 25 year old scumbag that abused her.

 

I think if you try to make peoples life choices for them you just end up pushing them away. As hard as it is, sometimes you have to let your friends/ loved ones make their own mistakes and learn from them.

[SouthernSunshine]

I have a daughter.

 

She is nearly 1, so a bit early to be worrying about her dating just yet.

 

Of course I want the best for her- I want her to grow up happy and healthy and for her to have rich life experiences.

 

I don't want her to be hurt or sad- chances are she may be at times.

 

I can't live her life for her, or make her choices for her. If she started dating a person twice her age, if he treated her well and loved her, then I would try to accept it.

I would rather she ended up with a 40 year old gentleman than a 25 year old scumbag that abused her.

 

I think if you try to make peoples life choices for them you just end up pushing them away. As hard as it is, sometimes you have to let your friends/ loved ones make their own mistakes and learn from them.

 

I completely agree.

[Angel1111]

As a parent, I wouldn't like it but it would bother me more if my child lied to me about it. The fact that your friend has done this is probably for one of these two reasons: she's ashamed of the age difference, and/or she knows that her parents will make an issue out of it.

 

As far as what you say about it being difficult for a parent to let go and treat a child like an adult, I have no problem with this. I would feel like I failed to do my job properly as a parent if my son were overly dependent on me by the time he grew up. My son is still fairly young (20) and in college so he still comes home fairly often and we're pretty connected. I think if he just left home at 18 and didn't bother to see me much, that would hurt. But that's not about not wanting to let go, that's about still wanting him in my life. When a person's child becomes an adult, by not letting go and not treating him/her as an adult, the parent is showing disrespect toward their child.

Edited September 27, 2010 by Angel1111

[Angel1111]

I have spoken to my friend, about the different stages of life being a problem. This man is desperate to get married; it's all he talks about! My friend has told me that she isn't ready to be a married mother. I have also asked her to consider how she will feel, when he is in his fifties and she is a young thirtyish woman. The fact that my friend "tries not to think of" this aspect, shows me that she has her head in the clouds.

 

What I wonder about is what kind of idiot man in his 40s would want to marry a woman in her early 20's. I see this stuff all the time - older guy marries younger woman, he ages and then whines to everyone in the world about how shocked he is that 5 or 10 yrs down the road, the marriage is ending or his wife is cheating on him. Men like this are just begging for trouble. If your friend makes the mistake of marrying this guy, I can basically guarantee you that she'll end up divorcing him.

[Green]

What I wonder about is what kind of idiot man in his 40s would want to marry a woman in her early 20's. I see this stuff all the time - older guy marries younger woman, he ages and then whines to everyone in the world about how shocked he is that 5 or 10 yrs down the road, the marriage is ending or his wife is cheating on him. Men like this are just begging for trouble. If your friend makes the mistake of marrying this guy, I can basically guarantee you that she'll end up divorcing him.

 

If she ends up marrying a guy her own age I can basicaly gaurantee you she'll end up divorced in 10 years.

[hotgurl]

What I wonder about is what kind of idiot man in his 40s would want to marry a woman in her early 20's. I see this stuff all the time - older guy marries younger woman, he ages and then whines to everyone in the world about how shocked he is that 5 or 10 yrs down the road, the marriage is ending or his wife is cheating on him. Men like this are just begging for trouble. If your friend makes the mistake of marrying this guy, I can basically guarantee you that she'll end up divorcing him.

 

I don't know my husband and I have been together 9 years now no cheating or divorcing. I have never been happier