A low-maintenance LDR. Does it work?

[Tziannia]

Thought I would never get over my ex. (See my older posts)

 

But then, a new man saw me, introduced himself and we hit it off. We met dancing, at a folk festival. Anyways, of course it's another LDR-- he was just up in my city for a week visiting university friends, and we had lots of mutual friends... Upon meeting, we spent every moment we could together while he was here, and then we decided to make a long distance commitment. The conversation is great, we're both very fit and active, we both love music and dancing, we have the same philosophies on life, and he's sexy as hell...

 

He's on Co-Op placement 1000 miles away for an engineering firm, and is supposed to be moving back to our town in January 2011. Before he left town (this was early August), he said "I am a really low maintenance long distance guy, I've been through this before, so I propose we see eachother once a month, and talk on the phone once a week, emails a few times a week... I am super busy with work and extracurricular stuff, so time will fly by and then we will be in the same town again"...He also said "Just know that when I am with you, I am with you... We may not speak every day, but just know that I will never cheat on you, you can just relax and not worry about anything..." Anyways, getting to know him, I realize he's a serious bookworm, nerdy and ethical guy... I think I can trust him, anyways, regarding his 'frame' of our LDR it makes sense--

 

And so, as he framed the LDR, we talk two-three times a week via e-mail, phone once a week... I flew down there last weekend to where he is on Co-Op, and we had an amazing and adventurous weekend together. We plan on spending Canadian Thanksgiving together, and he has asked me to be his date for a wedding in Toronto in November... He even asked if I would be interested in doing a long-distance cycling trip with him next summer... I agreed to all of the above.

 

Anyways, on Saturday he mentioned that his Co-Op in Southern Ontario might get extended until June 2011... And it's making me wonder if I should even bother continuing with this--it costs $500 to fly to see him/vice versa... And I'm just wondering if I should say "You're such an amazing guy, but maybe you should just look me up when you get back to town"-- (He has to finish his last year of Mechanical Engineering, at the university I go to). In the meantime, I'm seriously training for some road cycling competitions, I'm in a bluegrass band, I work full time and I go to school part time... I am usually out of the house 14-16 hours a day. I don't have time for a full-time relationship... I miss not having sex, like anyone would... But at this point in my life perhaps the LDR is the most reasonable thing.

 

In a nutshell, this guy is fantastic, but I am just wondering how I should 'frame' and percieve my LDR in a healthy way--so that I don't lose perspective. Anyone else been though something similar?

 

How much/little communication is healthy?

 

In the meantime, I have no interest in anyone else. I got out of a very intense LDR before this new LDR, and it seems that the men I date are always very driven by their own passions--which I admire, but it can also be a double edged sword because it seems they are always chasing their dreams first and thinking of love second... My friends are afraid that I am investing too much of myself, and I shouldn't wait for him to return to me--because I might be waiting for absolutely nothing...

 

Shall I shelf it? Or occasionally ship it down to Southern Ontario to see this potentially awesome lover?

 

Thoughts?

Edited September 21, 2010 by Tziannia

[folieadeux]

I don’t believe there is such a thing as a low maintenance LDR, because they all require a lot of work – of both parties involved. If you are satisfied with how things are going, I say go for it…but it doesn’t sound like you’re getting everything you need out of it at the moment, and that’s key. He seems to be satisfied with one thing and you seem to be needing more than he can give right now. Unfortunately, no one can really make the decision for you…you have to search within yourself and see if this is something that will be fulfilling for you. Same goes for the amount of communication…it all varies by person and everyone you talk to will have something that works a bit different for their relationship.

 

I have been in one LDR in the past (reasons for it not working out had NOTHING to do with the distance) and am about to enter into another. We can’t help where we meet people sometimes. Regardless of if you date someone across town or across the world, it’s always important to maintain your independence…make time for friends/family, concentrate on your career/school, and indulge your hobbies and in things that make you feel good.

 

Best of luck!

[aerogurl87]

I don’t believe there is such a thing as a low maintenance LDR, because they all require a lot of work – of both parties involved. If you are satisfied with how things are going, I say go for it…but it doesn’t sound like you’re getting everything you need out of it at the moment, and that’s key. He seems to be satisfied with one thing and you seem to be needing more than he can give right now. Unfortunately, no one can really make the decision for you…you have to search within yourself and see if this is something that will be fulfilling for you. Same goes for the amount of communication…it all varies by person and everyone you talk to will have something that works a bit different for their relationship.

 

I have been in one LDR in the past (reasons for it not working out had NOTHING to do with the distance) and am about to enter into another. We can’t help where we meet people sometimes. Regardless of if you date someone across town or across the world, it’s always important to maintain your independence…make time for friends/family, concentrate on your career/school, and indulge your hobbies and in things that make you feel good.

 

Best of luck!

 

I agree with folieadeux. If you're happy with the level of communication and the dynamics of your relationship, stick to it. If not, you have two options. 1) Tell him it's not working for you and try to reach a compromise or 2) tell him it's not working for you and that you two can take a chance at things when he gets back. I also agree that there is no such thing as a low maintenance LDR. By design LDRs take lots of hard work, well to be successful at least. I've been in two LDRs, one lasting 5 months and the other going on 8 months.

 

The first one was pretty hard with seeing each other every 2 months or so. This one is even harder since my boyfriend and I are managing to only see each other every 3 to 4 months. But I wouldn't trade my boyfriend for the ease of having some local guy or having my life be "easier" without him in it. So if this guy is worth the hardships of being in a LDR stick it out. If he's not or you're not in a place to work hard to keep a relationship alive, go back to being single.

[Tziannia]

Cheers you two... I agree.

He's coming to see me over Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm just so excited. Every time we manage to catch each other on the phone (about once a week), we end up laughing endlessly, and the conversation runs well over an hour. I think this is strange to say, but I just feel like he might be "the one", but neither of us are putting too much energy into each other at present because neither of us can absolutely guarantee when we're going to be in the same city again. (Tentatively January, but he may not return until next September)...

So, we're slow in the start, but I have a feeling as time goes on and we get to know eachother with every once-a-month long weekend spent together, we will probably talk more... I think he may also be respecting the fact that I got out of a relationship only 1 month prior to dating him... My ex was also a long distance to start, but he and I talked every day, by texting, several times a day even--but the conversation was always just "checking in" and fruitless "sweet nothings" lacking any real conversational substance...

 

In any case... time will tell, but there simply is no other man worth investing my time in locally, so I wait it out and see what happens...