How long will it last

[liftedcj7on44s]

Well most of you may know my story. Me and the STBXW have been seperated for a year now. I dont know what my problem is. I still miss her, and think about her alot.

 

I have tried talking to other women but I have never been good at talking to women from the get go so for the past year I have been by myself and have not even been with another women.

 

What the hell am I doing????????

 

I suck at meeting women, and most of the time I am so stuck on my STBXW I dont even attempt to talk to other women. It's ashamed because the only way I can ever get over her is to meet someone else.

[hopesndreams]

Sorry you're hurting. I can relate to what you're saying.

 

It's been a year for you BUT you don't miss HER, you miss the life you once shared with her. She is a stranger to you now.

 

Even though it's been a year, it's perfectly normal to be thinking about her. Just don't let her take up permanent residence in your head. She ain't paying rent to be up there, so evict her. Really work on this.

 

Are you NC with her unless it has something to do with your son? If not, it will take more and more time for you to move on.

 

We all move at our own pace. Your pace, and many others, just so happens to be snail pace! It's frustrating isn't it? BUT, you have a big plus on your side. You haven't tried filling the void with a meaningless relationship. When you are ready, you will know. Why? Because you haven't had the distractions of another woman in your life. You've taken the time to really think about what you want and need. You've been on your own, working on you, putting yourself first and taking the time to grieve and heal. You've been strong. You will be rewarded.

 

Just concentrate on you and your child. One day at a time, one step at a time and in time, all will fall into place. A peacefulness and an acceptance are just around the corner.

[Gunny376]

When all is said and done?

 

You're going through "withdrawal" from "relationship addiction"

 

That's right an addiction!

 

An addiction to her, the marriage you had, the relationship you had, they life you had.

 

There are bio-chemicals in your brain housing group that cause this and prolong your recovery from your relationship with her.

 

Indeed they are so strong that its crystal meth, crack, and cocaine that attach that attach themselves to the very same neurons in the brain that cause us to so call "fall in love"

 

I've personally have never tried drugs ~ but supposedly the above enhances and heightens sex. (BTW? The best reason to never try using drugs is because you may come to like them )

 

Meeting and speaking to women is easy. The best pickup line?

 

Is "Hi!"

 

In doing so? Your going to meet those that are already married, or already in a committed relationship with someone.

 

Or your going to meet someone who's not attracted to you or your not attracted to for one reason or the other.

 

If that's the case? Your better off without them to begin with.

 

Don't take it personally ~ it may be just a case of their not ready to even date let alone get involved with someone. They've got other issues and problems to deal with ~ let alone complicate their lives with getting into a serious relationship.

 

It could be taking care of ailing parents, raising children, job issues, career issues, job stress, financial stress, or the "D" answer as in "All of the above"

 

Live your life for yourself! Wake up each and every morning and work on becoming the best you that you can become.

 

Quit worrying about the past and what was!

 

Quit worrying about things you can't do anything about nor have any control over.

 

Quit worrying about choices that other people make that have an impact on you and your life.

 

Quit worrying about the future ~ Wake each morning and be the best you that you can be. Do your best ~ give it your best ~ and give each your best each day of your life.

 

Its just this plain and simple! If you'd had known back in "tha' day" what you know now? You wouldn't be where you are now.

 

But you didn't! But you did the best that you knew at the time ~ you gave it all ~ all that you had to give and knew to give at the time.

 

Had you known back then what you know now? You wouldn't be where you at now. But you worked on and made decisions based upon your knowledge and experience at the time.

 

Its a little something I like to call "LIFE"

 

Life is what happens when you make other plans ~ things don't always work out the way you think they would nor should.

 

There's the way things are ~ and then there's the way things are ~ Just that plain and simple.

 

One can sit around and have a life long "pity party" or they can choose to get off their dead @zz and get busy living their lives.

 

Bottom line?

 

Get your @zz busy living or get your @zz busy living!

 

People come and people go!

 

But you know what?

 

There's not one single monkey that makes a show!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Wow, forum member hopesndreams pretty much hit the nail on the head with that post!

 

I have to tend to agree that more than likely you are not missing your "soon to be ex-wife" as a person, but rather your are missing the concept of having her in your life! This is all normal, if there is such a thing as normal!?!

 

Trust me when I say that I would be lying to you, if I shot off the cuff and said "I don't miss my ex-wfe"! That my friend would be a lie! I to am kind of in your boat, for you it's been one year, for me it's been 2 years and close to 5 months time and I still dabble in what your feeling now.

 

Speaking for myself, I do miss my ex-wife, but take caution in my words here, by throwing out the statement that I miss my ex-wife, is the only statement that my brain can associate with these feeling and emotions. But if I look at this rather than just what the brain is telling me and look deep inside my mind, which the brain and the mind are two different things, my mind rather misses the concept and or just the relationship of being with the ex-wife and or an as like person.

 

For myself, I am coming to the realization that these feelings of the concept are more likely to either go away and or lessen or weaken, if and when I find someone new in my life. When someone else starts helping me create new memories and ways of doing things and when I feel the new love and friendship, I feel this will begin to fill the vast empty void that once upon a time my ex-wife claimed as her own.

 

Your going to be "ok", you are exactly at where you need to be, feeling what needs to be felt, no matter how these feeling and thoughts make us uncomfortable they won't kill you, in the end what your feeling now will only make you stronger!

 

Don't worry yourself to much on not being to "pick up on the ladies", maybe getting the ladies right now just isn't in the cards for you. Take it easy and just relax, the ladies will come in time. As forum member hopesndreams said.....

 

"We all move at our own pace. Your pace, and many others, just so happens to be snail pace! It's frustrating isn't it? BUT, you have a big plus on your side. You haven't tried filling the void with a meaningless relationship. When you are ready, you will know. Why? Because you haven't had the distractions of another woman in your life. You've taken the time to really think about what you want and need. You've been on your own, working on you, putting yourself first and taking the time to grieve and heal. You've been strong. You will be rewarded."

 

I know right now you don't feel and or believe that these feelings will ever go away!.................can I tell you a little secret.................just for you.............no one can find out..................everyone else turn away from your monitors................this is just for liftedcj7on44s to see.................the secret is = All of this will get better in time, when time wants these feelings to vanish, and when time wants you with the new ladies, time and only time can make this all happen!

 

Now I will just back off a bit and let you ponder what all the internal and external aspects of time is in regards to my little secret to you!

 

Remember: You are not alone, if you need to talk, we are listening!

Edited September 21, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[Gunny376]

BTW ~ To answer your initial question? As to how long will it last?

 

Its the day you wake up and make the decision ~ "I'm done with this!"

 

Just that plain and simple!

[You Go Girl]

BTW ~ To answer your initial question? As to how long will it last?

 

Its the day you wake up and make the decision ~ "I'm done with this!"

 

Just that plain and simple!

 

Gunny, gotta love how you're full of good old common sense.

These days, we aren't trained in common sense, don't know how to use it, woudln't recognize it if it hit us like a brick in the face.

 

You're done when you're done...now my turn to ponder when I'm going to be done. Not today, but someday.

 

And I absolutely love hopesndreams analogy of that they aren't paying rent to be in your head! haha...that was terrific!

[TimC-M8]

only way I can ever get over her is to meet someone else.

 

As you likely know, that's not the only way. Just the most fun! Less fun, though quite effective, is simply a change of environment & activities, coupled with good old fashioned time; and you've been at this for a while, so the end may be closer than it seems.

 

My experience is that when you do get over her, it'll happen fairly quick: one moment you're having obsessive and constant dialogs with her in your head, then a couple of months pass and you realize you've mostly moved on, you have your life back, you have your self back. It'll happen.

 

Now as to meeting other women, which is important: 1. you can learn almost anything on the Internet these days, I'm sure how to meet and communicate with women is one of them (just don't pay for any scams), 2. Internet dating sites... 3. yes, it's tough for men, especially when we're out of practice, but that's part of the challenge, part of the excitement! Remember, we are men; we're hunters... 60,000 years ago, if your hunting techniques weren't working you'd find out what needed to change, and you'd change it!

 

What sport would be fun if it were easy?

 

You are single. Do you know how many married men wish they were single? Learn to enjoy the casual romantic relationships, and don't forget to also enjoy the thrill of the hunt!

[Gunny376]

As you likely know, that's not the only way. Just the most fun! Less fun, though quite effective, is simply a change of environment & activities, coupled with good old fashioned time; and you've been at this for a while, so the end may be closer than it seems.

 

My experience is that when you do get over her, it'll happen fairly quick: one moment you're having obsessive and constant dialogs with her in your head, then a couple of months pass and you realize you've mostly moved on, you have your life back, you have your self back. It'll happen.

 

Now as to meeting other women, which is important: 1. you can learn almost anything on the Internet these days, I'm sure how to meet and communicate with women is one of them (just don't pay for any scams), 2. Internet dating sites... 3. yes, it's tough for men, especially when we're out of practice, but that's part of the challenge, part of the excitement! Remember, we are men; we're hunters... 60,000 years ago, if your hunting techniques weren't working you'd find out what needed to change, and you'd change it!

 

What sport would be fun if it were easy?

 

You are single. Do you know how many married men wish they were single? Learn to enjoy the casual romantic relationships, and don't forget to also enjoy the thrill of the hunt!

 

Don't hold back Brother!

 

Stand up and testify!

[zippy's login]

It's ashamed because the only way I can ever get over her is to meet someone else.

 

Getting involved in another relationship when you have not healed from the original is risky. Getting over lost marriage can take time and while it may seem so - it has not been that long for you. Many experts suggest that it takes 1 year for every 4 years of marriage to heal. If you don't properly heal the wound it will just open up again and again. Time is the best healer. Find activities you enjoy, try to make news friend, focus on yourself and family and above all develop your spiritual relationship.

[2.50 a gallon]

Not good at talking to women?

 

Practice, Practice, Practice.

 

Begin at your local grocery store, or any store. The cash registers are manned by a majority of women.

 

When they give you their normal routine, which quite often has something along the line of "How's your day so far?", etc.

 

Understand they are stuck and bored for 8 hours are looking for a little relief, so say something they can relate to. Too hot of a day, mention, you can't wait for cooler days.

 

Your football team is playing that day, say "Great, the midgets are playing the widgets, should be a great game." If they are a football fan they might agree with you, if not you might hear them bitch about football. It does not matter, you are being friendly.

 

Do not talk doom and gloom of the STBXW sitch.

 

You are not trying to pick them up, you are just talking, just being friendly

 

After awhile, it might take months, they will recognize you, and talk more freely. Three that I frequent can't wait for me to get in their line, as they always have a new story to tell me about their cats.

 

Also, if there is a woman in front of you, and you see she is purchasing something you have not tried ask her, about it. For example, mushrooms, most people purchase the plain white mushroom, and you see the lady in front is purchasing something other, ask her, "I've never tried those, what are they like?

 

Or how do you fix them?

 

Or yellow watermelon, does it taste the same and make you teeth hurt.

 

Again, you are not trying to pick them up, just practising.

[liftedcj7on44s]

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom.

Gunny I wake up alot and say to myself that I am done with this. After about 30 minutes I am back where I was.

 

I just have a hard time coping with it all. I had a beautiful, Caring and what I thought was a wonderful wife. To me I feel I wont ever be able to find the same anymore.

 

When me and my STBXW first saw each other we both clicked instantly, everything just felt natural. I have not met anyone else that makes me feel the same.

 

I guess the easy thing to say here is I was truely in love with my STBXW and for some reason I still am.

 

I am NC with her other than having to see her every other weekend. She gets mad at me all the time asking why I dont talk to her anymore and blames me because I dont talk to her. When In reality she never even once picks up the phone to talk to me and she never wants to talk when I need to talk to her, Even when Its stuff about my son. She doesnt want to talk to me so how the hell can she throw that back on me.

 

 

I have gotten to the point that when I go pick up my son I dont even talk to her, I try to not to even look at her in the face. It really hurts though.

 

She is the type that if you dont talk to her she wont talk back. Maybe she thinks that I dont care about her so why should she care about me.

 

The reason I feel I need to meet someone else is it will give me a chance to get to know someone else and will help get my mind off her.

 

Also I joined match.com last month. So far I have found one person out of maybe 10 that I have emailed that even seem remotely intrested in me. We actually hung out sunday night but I feel nothing for her. She is not my type and it's just not there.

 

I live in a very small town and all the women here are either already married or there with someone already.

 

 

Will say this. I do meet alot of women and I talk to them in a friendly manner and laugh and joke with them. Then I get stuck, I am not good with picking up the signs of a women. I have no clue on how to tell if they are interested in me. Sure I have read alot online about the signs but I still dont understand them.

 

I never dated in HS. My past with being adopted, Abused and Drugged has really just kept me bottled up and away from people. I guess this is why I have a hard time like I do.

Edited September 22, 2010 by liftedcj7on44s

[2.50 a gallon]

Never forget that she with held your right for visitation with your son for how many months?

 

Trust me on this one. There is so much better awaiting you in the future.

 

I am a little older than you, and it has been my experience, that those that I clicked with right away, eventually crashed and burned.

 

It took me over two years to get my first date with my present lady. When we met, she had a BF, so I had to settle for friendship. Then when we began dating, I fell for her with the first kiss, but she was hesitant about getting into a rebound relationship. She had only broke up with her long time live in BF 3 months earlier, and I was the first guy she dated afterwards.

 

This forced me and her to build our relationship slowly, and it has paid off as in a couple of weeks it will be 15 years.

 

As to my previous post, when we met she was working a cash register. I was friendly, we became friends, and when she finally decided to get back into the dating game, I was the first her first choice.

 

Also, halloween is coming up. Do you have any halloween lights? It not get some and put them up outside. They are a neon sign to the ladies of your community that you are a fun loving guy and enjoy life.

[TimC-M8]

Many experts suggest that it takes 1 year for every 4 years of marriage to heal.

 

My wife just left after 14 years. Those "experts" are crazy! Let them wait all those years. I happen to like sex and intimacy. As long as I'm honest, I think some non-serious relationships could be just what the OP and I need.

 

Do you have any links to the one for four rule? Is there a consensus on this?

[Iconoclast]

 

What the hell am I doing????????

 

I suck at meeting women, and most of the time I am so stuck on my STBXW I dont even attempt to talk to other women.

 

You answered your own question.

Let me drop a pearl of wisdom in your pool of despair.

 

I was where you are.

I had a big neon sign over my head that said "victim", "loser", "inadequate", "save meeeeeeee".

Very unattractive.

 

One day I said to myself, f*&k this. I hate this. I want to be happy.

 

So I decided to start acting happy.

Was I happy. No. But I acted that way.

I said nice things to people, everyone, even if I didn't like them much.

Very soon after (and I do mean VERY), many people wanted to be around me. Why? Well, happy people are fun to be around. Hmmm. Makes sense.

 

This made me very happy. I started to BE happier. I acted even happier.

I attracted happy people.

 

One day Mr Happy decides to ask this very sweet girl to dinner. What she would see in me I didn't know. I was still hurt inside. She said yes.

 

That was 17 years ago. We were married 4 years later. We have been apart from one another for less that two weeks in 17 years.

I adore her. Her actions indicate the same. We still have sex almost every night.

 

Funny. She told me she was attracted to me because I was so happy and confident. Was surprised I asked her out with all the girls that wanted me. Hah. Go figure.

 

I'm so very very happy.

 

I have no enemies. Everyone likes me. I'm very successful.

 

Why?

 

Because one day long ago, " I said to myself, f*&k this. I hate this. I want to be happy.

[liftedcj7on44s]

You answered your own question.

Let me drop a pearl of wisdom in your pool of despair.

 

I was where you are.

I had a big neon sign over my head that said "victim", "loser", "inadequate", "save meeeeeeee".

Very unattractive.

 

One day I said to myself, f*&k this. I hate this. I want to be happy.

 

So I decided to start acting happy.

Was I happy. No. But I acted that way.

I said nice things to people, everyone, even if I didn't like them much.

Very soon after (and I do mean VERY), many people wanted to be around me. Why? Well, happy people are fun to be around. Hmmm. Makes sense.

 

This made me very happy. I started to BE happier. I acted even happier.

I attracted happy people.

 

One day Mr Happy decides to ask this very sweet girl to dinner. What she would see in me I didn't know. I was still hurt inside. She said yes.

 

That was 17 years ago. We were married 4 years later. We have been apart from one another for less that two weeks in 17 years.

I adore her. Her actions indicate the same. We still have sex almost every night.

 

Funny. She told me she was attracted to me because I was so happy and confident. Was surprised I asked her out with all the girls that wanted me. Hah. Go figure.

 

I'm so very very happy.

 

I have no enemies. Everyone likes me. I'm very successful.

 

Why?

 

Because one day long ago, " I said to myself, f*&k this. I hate this. I want to be happy.

 

 

I do try and act happy. But it is very hard. I have always been the type that everyone loves to hang around and makes everyone laugh but since all this im not that person anymore. Maybe I just need more time I dont know.

 

 

 

Hell I havent even had a "non-Serious" relationship since me and my wife split up. Last time I had sex was august 12 of this year and that was with my STBXW after 9 months of not even talking to each other. What a mistake that was too.

 

Sometimes I just want to grab her like a chicken and ring her neck.

Edited September 22, 2010 by liftedcj7on44s

[Iconoclast]

Then just walk up to a women you like and say hey let's go do something.

Everything starts somewhere.

Start something.

You want to change. Change something.

 

Funny how simple it all is looking back.

 

Your problem is you don't believe it yet.

[liftedcj7on44s]

Then just walk up to a women you like and say hey let's go do something.

Everything starts somewhere.

Start something.

You want to change. Change something.

 

Funny how simple it all is looking back.

 

Your problem is you don't believe it yet.

 

My STBXW was too easy honestly. I should have took that as a red flag but I was just happy at the time. I never really had to work real hard with her.

 

Dating is new to me. I am pretty much a Noob at dating. LOL

[Iconoclast]

Dating is new to me. I am pretty much a Noob at dating. LOL

 

Everyone is until they start.

[Iconoclast]

I read your prior thread, and must add that your fear of abandonment must be off the charts. When you can. get counseling, read about it, find a forum.

[liftedcj7on44s]

I read your prior thread, and must add that your fear of abandonment must be off the charts. When you can. get counseling, read about it, find a forum.

 

i do need to get help. Im have been trying here this past week to get out more. Work always gets in the way of that though.

[You Go Girl]

I have some fond memories of a cj7 and some 4-wheeling. Hard to find them anymore without being rusted out I bet. I never see them on the road anymore. But then, I live in the rust belt.

[holms]

Not good at talking to women?

 

Practice, Practice, Practice.

 

Begin at your local grocery store, or any store. The cash registers are manned by a majority of women.

 

When they give you their normal routine, which quite often has something along the line of "How's your day so far?", etc.

 

Understand they are stuck and bored for 8 hours are looking for a little relief, so say something they can relate to. Too hot of a day, mention, you can't wait for cooler days.

 

Your football team is playing that day, say "Great, the midgets are playing the widgets, should be a great game." If they are a football fan they might agree with you, if not you might hear them bitch about football. It does not matter, you are being friendly.

 

Do not talk doom and gloom of the STBXW sitch.

 

You are not trying to pick them up, you are just talking, just being friendly

 

After awhile, it might take months, they will recognize you, and talk more freely. Three that I frequent can't wait for me to get in their line, as they always have a new story to tell me about their cats.

 

Also, if there is a woman in front of you, and you see she is purchasing something you have not tried ask her, about it. For example, mushrooms, most people purchase the plain white mushroom, and you see the lady in front is purchasing something other, ask her, "I've never tried those, what are they like?

 

Or how do you fix them?

 

Or yellow watermelon, does it taste the same and make you teeth hurt.

 

Again, you are not trying to pick them up, just practising.

 

To this I would like to comment that as I read this one I almost said to myself "Are you following me?"

 

I frequent a local Gas Station every night and the same girl works 4 of the 6 days a week that I stop there. I have found myself looking forward to the few minutes of interaction that we have. And I think she has too.

 

After about a month or so she started to talk more to me. It all started with the "Hows it going?" she would ask and I never talked the Doom and Gloom but I know there were a few nights I was just giving those vibes anyway, she still asked anyway.

 

Lately, last night for example was Packers v Bears Monday night football and that got brought up. I'm a Packer Fan being from Milwaukee and she just giggled at me cause her manager is a Bears Fan. We shared a few laughs about bets we had going at each of our places of employment.

 

We have had other talks about Work, School, Life in general but it always seems to be about me. She knows a lot about me but I know little about her. I know she love Country Music, is from Southern Indiana, and works 2 jobs that she hates. She knows where I work, my favorite team, that I go to school and work 6 days a week, etc. etc. I have been in line before and seen that she pegs me out at times. There was one day I had 2 ahead of me and nothing. The minute I got to the counter she smiled and said it... "Hows it going?" and my answer is always "Its going" and things go from there.

 

I guess what Im trying to say here is, Id actually like to ask this girl out and I dont know how to get past this area. If I do and get shot down I cant even go to this place again.... heh.

[What_Next]

I can empathize, oh how I can empathize. Having been with my STBX for 20 years (basically since I was 16), I never much cared to attract nor even spend much time talking to women. All my attentions were focused on her and as such I lost my "mojo".

 

After realizing my marriage was over I very quickly learned that confidence and a good sense of humour is the key to attracting the opposite sex. Of course physical attraction is also important. However, acting confident and making them laugh is the lead in.

 

The first thing is that deep down if you are still in inner peril over the loss of your wife then you will NOT exude confidence. It will be written all over your face. Learn to deal with the loss of your wife and marriage first. Once you've really done that then you are ready to move forward.

 

In my case I decided I would NOT mope around, nor would I continue to play the "poor me" card. I would get up, dust myself off and "fake it until I made it". There are still some times when I collapse in anger or lonliness when I am alone, but luckily enough I had the great fortune of meeting someone that is helping me through that.

 

Good luck, keep posting for moral support