TVguy Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Well....I don't post on here very much but I have been reading a lot over the past few motnhs....hoping to get some advice and insight into my own situation. I am a MM and have been having an affair with a MW for almost three years. We live about an hour apart and talk pretty much every day....sometimes for hours. I would not even want to guess how many hours we spent on the phone. We saw each other at least once a week on average...sometimes more and sometimes it would be two or three weeks. We both weren't the happiest at home but nothing really horrible....we just seem to hit it off right away and both got carried away and it really felt like love at first sight. We talked endlessly about leaving our spouses and starting over together. I was definitely more leaning that way than she was. She is a bit older than me and a little further down the road to no kids at home and all that goes with that. We both have children at home. There would be issues with the distance and her work would know right away that this had been going on for years. Over the past few months we have really been talking about making the decision and I had been pushing more than normal. On Friday she decided that she just couldn't make that choice to leave. She said that she loves me still but that she just couldn't hang on to it any longer and couldn't function day to day anymore. I knew it was coming but I guess I also hoped that she would choose me instead. Now I just need to cope with the loss and try to move on. Today is the first Monday in years that we haven't talked in the morning and talked about each others weekend....and it is driving me a bit crazy. I thought about her all weekend and it is taking everything I have to not call her or email her. I think the only thing I can do is let her be and if she made the wrong choice then she will contact me. I guess I just have to hold on and ride out the pain....any advice would be welcomed
Dexter Morgan Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 regardless of whether your MW is there for you now or not, I think you should divorce your wife.
pureinheart Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hi TV Guy, Well, you will possibly get flammed, which I'm sure you know that if you've read here for a few months. Can you work your M out? That is the question of the day, and in your shoes, that is where I'd start. With or without MW do you want your M? If not then I would walk.
WowReally Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 My xMM and I would talk 4-5 times a day at least and we'd text as often as we could...not having that is a huge loss so I know your pain. All you can do is let the one you think you love go and let the cards fall where they may. One day at at time.
Owl Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'd suggest first off that you try to do something that COMPLETELY changes your daytime schedule, so that the "absence" of the calls with her is a little less obvious for you. If you started out your day calling her first thing in the morning...try to get up a little earlier and go for a run/work out instead during that time. If it was on the drive to/from work...try to use that time to chat with your wife/kids/friends instead? Next, find at least one friend who can be supportive of you while you're grieving over the end of this affair. Someone who can also help you be accountable...keep you from contacting MW when you feel your resolve slipping. Pure's suggestion to see what you can do to reinvest yourself into your marriage is also spot on. This is a change in your life...so work with it. Use it to make POSITIVE changes in your life.
Author TVguy Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 I thought that my M was pretty much over. I was willing to leave it to be with her. I imagine things have gotten much worse over the time the A was going on....it wasn't great when the A started...hence the A. I was always working towards leaving so I know the M just got worse. I think I can work on it and make it better...but I am probably just settling for the kids and finances more than anything. I can't imagine doing the normal married things and not thinking or comparing them to how is was with her.
TigerCub Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'm really sorry for your pain TVguy. I was actually surprised that you were the one more ready to leave - usually, its the guys that linger in their Ms, usually because of their kids, finances, bonds, etc, or just from fear. Since MOW has made her choice, there really isn't anything else you can do, except try to move on. You mentioned that your M is pretty bad now (after the A), and that you're concerned about going through the motions and just comparing W to OW. Those are valid concerns. But, have you considered the fact that maybe things worked out the way they did for a reason? Maybe you and your W can go to MC and try to make your marriage happier. If that doesn't work, then maybe breaking free from M is best for you, even if MOW isn't there. All you can do now to move on, is keep busy. And a tool that's helping me as well, is writing down all the bad things / disappointments experienced at the hands of my MM - that helps me actually see the situation more objectively and it stops me from wanting to contact him during NC. Maybe you can try that. I'm sorry that there isn't an easy solution to this. The heartache experienced is terrible, but you do have your kids to invest in and keep busy with and spend time/energy on. That will be good for all of you. Best of luck
ladydesigner Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I thought that my M was pretty much over. I was willing to leave it to be with her. I imagine things have gotten much worse over the time the A was going on....it wasn't great when the A started...hence the A. I was always working towards leaving so I know the M just got worse. I think I can work on it and make it better...but I am probably just settling for the kids and finances more than anything. I can't imagine doing the normal married things and not thinking or comparing them to how is was with her. I know where you are and it is not a fun place to be Welcome to LS! I also thought my M was over and would have left to be with XAP. My XAP ended with me as well. I realized since then that I was delusional and my M was what I wanted and I did not want to lose my H. We have since reconnected. Maybe this was an exit A for you, maybe not. I might explore some IC and see how you feel whether you want to stay M or move on in life. Life is too short to be miserable though. Sorry you find yourself here like many of us do, but it can be a great healer. I've learned a lot about affairs in general on LS more than I ever knew. Wish I would have found this place before I started my A.
lilbunny Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Sorry you are hurting TVguy. From what you have said you aren't happy in your M. Do you want to stay and work on it? If not then the fairest thing to your W is to be honest and give you both the chance to move on. If your heart isn't in it and you are only settling how would she feel about that? Do you think you had an A as a way out? I hope that you can either find contentment in your M or have the courage to move on. Best wishes.
Mimolicious Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 His wife maybe deserves to "know". Why is this thread on here and not on the infidelity forum? Anyway, TVGuy sorry that you are feeling like this. I wont actually hold your hand and hug you because you are an adult and more or less brought this upon yourself. I do suggest that you take a break and consider where you want to head now and what do you want out of your M (if there is any of it left). You didn't mention your W anywhere in your post, guess she's that irrevelant. Hope you find your way, without further damaging yourself and without hurting others. Best of luck.
pureinheart Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I thought that my M was pretty much over. I was willing to leave it to be with her. I imagine things have gotten much worse over the time the A was going on....it wasn't great when the A started...hence the A. I was always working towards leaving so I know the M just got worse. I think I can work on it and make it better...but I am probably just settling for the kids and finances more than anything. I can't imagine doing the normal married things and not thinking or comparing them to how is was with her. That's what I discerned, although wanted to ask first. People don't just "get into" an A for no reason, there is always a reason and it's just about figuring out what that reason is. Hey, none of this is easy...life right now is difficult for most. Could MW just be an escape, or is there really love there? Hey TV, these things can get really complicated, and my suggestion would be to settle things at home first, meaning to go or stay, there is much to consider...wow, please keep posting:)
Ellin Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I guess I just have to hold on and ride out the pain....any advice would be welcomed Hi TVguy. So sorry to hear about your pain. If you want more than an A with her (and you seem to) then you won't be happy with just an A. If that's the case, then don't contact her. If she loves you as much as you love her and if she misses you enough, she'll get in touch. If she doesn't that means her family is the most important thing to her for whatever reason. Then you'll know that your only options are: have an A with her or move on. Best of luck.
Confused4Now Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Saying it is one thing....I said it for years my marriage was crap and I needed to get out....doing it is another thing. I say use this as a reason to leave your marriage if you don't think it's salvageable. Also leaving your marriage for someone is never a good idea. Good luck.....
Author TVguy Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 This was bit of a shock for me when the A started. I had been married for more than 15 years and wasn't really unhappy....there were good time and bad times. I wasn't really looking to get out at all...never thought it was possible. I met this OMW and we hit it off instantly...we took it slow at first and met a few more times and then both made the decision to make it physical. I believe we are truly in love and I had never really had these feelings before....it all felt very new and how I had sometimes imagined it should feel. It is hard to explain. From very early on in the three year affair I was sure what I wanted. She definitely never made me promises but we both felt that she just needed more time to deicde.
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