freestyle Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Or at least an attempt, but how can one gloat after being led on for 10 years and then dumped? Good point.......schadenfreude masking a deeper pain instead. It's kinda sad. Some people handle their pain by being introspective, others lash out ...and try to spread their pain around.(a temporary fix at best.....)
woinlove Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Let's play your candyland... Men and woman think about me while being intimate. They look at my poster. So.... my xH had to think about how OM/OW thought of pleasuring me while attempting to pleasure their OW/MM/MW/BS/CEO/CFO/PO/PR/EA/CIA/FBI/DEA... Oh, all of this while trying to be intimate. Not the other way around... Nice to see bohog's posts bringing out such creativity.
TigerCub Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'm curious about the other side of this though...how rough is it to know that the WS is still intimate with the BS during the affair? In my case, that part didn't really bother me. Since I never had intercourse with MM - we did everything else (I dunno, in a weird way, I thought by not going all the way, I was sparing myself from getting hurt ) - yeah dumb, I know!!! As far as him having sex with baby momma, that didn't bug me (from what I knew, it didn't happen often). But...the thought that he was sleeping in bed next to her every night, it was her hand he'd hold, it was their kids they shared (that forever bond) - those thoughts were more painful to me than him having sex with her whenever she permitted it.
Owl Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 In my case, that part didn't really bother me. Since I never had intercourse with MM - we did everything else (I dunno, in a weird way, I thought by not going all the way, I was sparing myself from getting hurt ) - yeah dumb, I know!!! As far as him having sex with baby momma, that didn't bug me (from what I knew, it didn't happen often). But...the thought that he was sleeping in bed next to her every night, it was her hand he'd hold, it was their kids they shared (that forever bond) - those thoughts were more painful to me than him having sex with her whenever she permitted it. I can understand that. Sleeping next to someone is still INTIMACY, even if nothing else happens. Thanks for a good, honest response TC.
TigerCub Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I can understand that. Sleeping next to someone is still INTIMACY, even if nothing else happens. Thanks for a good, honest response TC. You're welcome Owl
Silly_Girl Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I can understand that. Sleeping next to someone is still INTIMACY, even if nothing else happens. Thanks for a good, honest response TC. I believe they didn't have sex, I believe they weren't sexually intimate, I believe they didn't even hug in bed. But I HATED the idea that after a 4 hour phone call with me, for example, when he climbed in to bed (if he didn't sleep on the sofa) it was his wife's breathing he heard as he drifted off, and not mine. Hated that she cooked his dinners and reminded him of his dental appointments... That constitutes an intimacy in my book and it hurt. But tough.
seren Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Bohogirl, I have read a number of your posts and some have been called as being deliberately worded to hurt a BS. I have thought that you were naive, or that the internet doesn't allow for nuances in the written word. But I am now of the opinion that you deliberately pose questions to belittle, disparage and hurt the BS on this fourm, it does you absolutely no credit, makes you look bitter and while you might be hurt, the BS on LS have nothing to do with your hurt - blame the WS, it's what the BS is always told to do, after all, the BS had sod all to do with your A, right? In general, the posters, be they BS,WS, OP are understanding of hurt and most try not to add to it, sure there are times when threads get heated, but in the main, people try to understand. I don't get this from your posts. I might be wrong and I hope so. Intimacy isn't just about sex, not all sex is intimate. Personally, I would find it insulting if the person I loved thought it usual to jack off to sex texts in a bathroom, trying to keep the noise down incase the kids or their partner heard, or to have to fit sex into a time when it was convinient for my lover to make plausible excuses to their spouse. I know it isn't always like that, but if that is pleasurable sex, you can keep it. As to my own reconciliation and intimacy - none of your dammed business, just think that to start to begin to regain intimacy assumes that intimacy was absent.
TinaniT Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 It seems to me that once you have decided to reconcile intimacy would be the quickest way of "bonding". I could be way off base of course. How long was it before you could be intimate with your spouse without thinking about s/he pleasuring the AP? This question is ridiculous, I think. I have had your back at other places but I don't get this one. What would the response be if a BS came in to the OW forum and asked "How long was it before you could be intimate with the MM without thinking about s/he pleasuring the BS?" Everyone has past partners. I think the hurt of the betrayal is more the point than thoughts of one's partner having been with someone else, period. I still am holding you were honest to start and you are behaving this way now since you are being attacked anyways, so you are being aggressive now-- but know that it really does not paint you in a promising light. Peace to you.
Mimolicious Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I believe they didn't have sex, I believe they weren't sexually intimate, I believe they didn't even hug in bed. But I HATED the idea that after a 4 hour phone call with me, for example, when he climbed in to bed (if he didn't sleep on the sofa) it was his wife's breathing he heard as he drifted off, and not mine. Hated that she cooked his dinners and reminded him of his dental appointments... That constitutes an intimacy in my book and it hurt. But tough. Is this a clear example of how in some scenarios "jealousy" does exist from the AP? Seems like a lot of the "bs gets nada from the WS" gets displayed around here. Far more than some wish to admit.
Mimolicious Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Nice to see bohog's posts bringing out such creativity. Not all of it is fantasy or a simple imagination fart. LOL!
Silly_Girl Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Is this a clear example of how in some scenarios "jealousy" does exist from the AP? Seems like a lot of the "bs gets nada from the WS" gets displayed around here. Far more than some wish to admit. I think it does exist Mimo, in lots of cases. I think for any OW who claim to love their MM, it would be most unlikely for there to be no jealousy at all. I definitely felt it, I'm ashamed to say. I wouldn't want their relationship, I wouldn't want anything like it, but I was still jealous of aspects of their set-up, the time he spent with her.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 It seems to me that once you have decided to reconcile intimacy would be the quickest way of "bonding". I could be way off base of course. How long was it before you could be intimate with your spouse without thinking about s/he pleasuring the AP? Dear Boho; Since you have started so many controversial threads lately, I looked back at your original one. You seemed hurt, raw, honest. I could empathize with you. It has not taken long for that "real" sounding poster to completely disappear. Now all you seem to do is take pot shots at all BS's here on LS. Maybe it makes you feel better, in a bitter, vengeful way, for a brief moment. But since it has only been 3 months since you were dumped, don't you think you could be using your time better, for real healing and moving on? Is your new boyfriend somebody's husband or SO? I ask because you seem almost obsessed with trying to get women in committed relationships to "pay" for your pain, somehow.
2sure Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Intimacy between H and myself not only never stopped but actually increased during the periods he was cheating on me. It was as though he felt guilty and wanted to bond with me more than usual because of it. After D-Day...I had sex with him until I found out OW gave him an STD.
TigerCub Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I wouldn't want their relationship, I wouldn't want anything like it, but I was still jealous of aspects of their set-up, the time he spent with her. I can definitely identify with this SG. I would never want their type of relationship, but the fact that they have things together, just the fact that he goes home to her, provides for her, ultimately chose to be with her (whether is was for the kids or not) was something I found painful.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'm a BS, but nothing she's posted hurts my feelings. But I can't speak for others, of course, and I can totally understand how posts like hers can stir up unpleasant memories. I get it.. doesn't hurt my feelings either. I can just recognize a pathetic attempt at trying to get under BS's skin and a pathetic attempt at pouring salt in a wound.
crazycatlady Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 You know what, I'll play the game. First because this question does not hurt me, doesn't seem like it hurt a single BS though its obvious that was the intent, and second because eh, why not. There was exactly 1 time she and he crossed my mind when we were together (and I don't see it happening ever again). One of the things I did ask, and he was very truthful in telling me, was what happened sexually between them. I believe him when he said she wasn't a very good lay, I believe him when he said they did not do some of the things we do that would actually have hurt me and he didn't do them because of their importance between us. He was worried because what they did was something he does not do often with me and I have in the past wanted him to do more often. So he was afraid to tell me because he was worried it would upset me greater then I already was. The one time it hit me during it, was we had started to go in that direction, it hit me, and well that did pretty much kill my desire to play like that ever again, but you know what, it wasn't a way he enjoyed anyway so its really no big deal. And given a couple of things that have been said between her and I before she knew I knew.....I definately got the better lover out of him then she ever did.
ladydesigner Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 You know what, I'll play the game. First because this question does not hurt me, doesn't seem like it hurt a single BS though its obvious that was the intent, and second because eh, why not. There was exactly 1 time she and he crossed my mind when we were together (and I don't see it happening ever again). One of the things I did ask, and he was very truthful in telling me, was what happened sexually between them. I believe him when he said she wasn't a very good lay, I believe him when he said they did not do some of the things we do that would actually have hurt me and he didn't do them because of their importance between us. He was worried because what they did was something he does not do often with me and I have in the past wanted him to do more often. So he was afraid to tell me because he was worried it would upset me greater then I already was. The one time it hit me during it, was we had started to go in that direction, it hit me, and well that did pretty much kill my desire to play like that ever again, but you know what, it wasn't a way he enjoyed anyway so its really no big deal. And given a couple of things that have been said between her and I before she knew I knew.....I definately got the better lover out of him then she ever did. See now I wish I could say this, but unfortunately I am sure she got the great lay that my H usually is. Oh well hope it was good while it lasted because she doesn't have it anymore.
SidLyon Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 It seems to me that once you have decided to reconcile intimacy would be the quickest way of "bonding". I could be way off base of course. How long was it before you could be intimate with your spouse without thinking about s/he pleasuring the AP? Ever heard of hysterical bonding? It happens to a lot of couples including us - took us both completely by surprise! The good thing is, that nearly 2 years later we are still going strong. BTW are you the OW of my H - you keep insisting that it's one of us?
herenow Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I'll play too. Sex was never an issue, but if I was being intimate with my H and I started thinking about another man or woman for any reason, it would totally kill the mood for me. I like to be completely there with my H and not in some dream world thinking about people who don't belong. Question for Boho: Was there ever a time that you were with MM that you weren't thinking about his BW? Seems you are quite consumed with BS's. Was this always the case? Or, has it only been since you were dumped?
Spark1111 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I hated him. I was divorcing him. I had thrown him out and had told him to go get her, go be with your "soulmate." I was so angry he had lied to me. He was here begging to reconcile and I wanted no part of it. He touched the back of my neck and my hair stood up on end. Totally electric! And we started ripping each other's clothes off. But then I threw him out again. During his affair, he had told her we rarely to never had sex. Not true! Not true! At least twice a week! We had intermittent, really hot passionate encounters during our separation. (I know, I know.. but I thought, so what? I was going to enjoy MY HUSBAND even if he he did not remain my husband.) He would beg for me to go to dinner with him, take me home and start ripping my dress off of me....I welcomed it. Doubt he told her ANY of it. And when I committed to reconciling with him....well, it was amazing physically. It still is. I did have some mind movies of them together once in a blue moon. But it faded quickly. I always knew what we had physically was amazing. Their connection was more emotional. She told him how wonderful he was when I did not. Jeez, I was waiting for him to tell me that! But physically? Few people have what we have. I always knew that. And he does too. I remember the doctor asking me if we had been physical within the last six months as I was being checked for stds.... And i was embarrassed to answer, "Uh, today...before he went back to his hotel room."
Snowflower Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 OP, where are you? I've noticed that you haven't come back to respond to any of the posts on your thread, unless it was your intent to just hit and run? At any rate, I hope you find the answers here helpful to your healing.
Snowflower Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 See now I wish I could say this, but unfortunately I am sure she got the great lay that my H usually is. Oh well hope it was good while it lasted because she doesn't have it anymore. LD, are you sure about that? It could be that the physical stuff between them wasn't so great. Perhaps your H felt guilty or dirty (in a bad way) doing the actual physical act and so it wasn't like what you have with him. Have you ever asked him?
ladydesigner Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 LD, are you sure about that? It could be that the physical stuff between them wasn't so great. Perhaps your H felt guilty or dirty (in a bad way) doing the actual physical act and so it wasn't like what you have with him. Have you ever asked him? You know you have a good point here. I have never asked him...hmmm I wonder
Mimolicious Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 OP, where are you? I've noticed that you haven't come back to respond to any of the posts on your thread, unless it was your intent to just hit and run? At any rate, I hope you find the answers here helpful to your healing. Isn't that her whole point? This is what she does... then you see her post on some other thread. *IGNORE*
Dexter Morgan Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 OP, where are you? I've noticed that you haven't come back to respond to any of the posts on your thread, unless it was your intent to just hit and run? no, she hits, and then complains when she gets called on it. At any rate, I hope you find the answers here helpful to your healing. I think anyone can see that the question she posed isn't designed to help her with anything. Its designed as a backhanded slap at people that have to deal with betrayal.
Recommended Posts